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Posted 3/2/2007 6:50 PM (GMT 0)
 

I remember someone on here telling me: "Take baby steps" and that's something I repeat to myself when I feel like this and it helps me. I suppose I've had to deal with a lot more than the average person so I'm bound to be affected by it all, but it's just so unfair and no-one ever seems to understand how down and useless I feel.

Sorry I don't know where I'm going with this, I just felt I needed to offload my thoughts to people who actually understand how it feels.     

Post Edited (polly_pet) : 9/17/2007 3:37:11 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 3/2/2007 9:49 PM (GMT 0)
I totally understand how you feel. I may only be 15, but I'm feeling just the same as you do. Actually, there are a lot of similarities with you and me. All my grandparents, all four, died in the time frame of one year. Just on after another. I guess that's where my depression all started. I wish I had the drive to move on in school. I feel hopeless in school, and it's really hard to continue in school.

I hope you get into another University, and maybe finally, you can restart your life.

?
Posted 3/3/2007 1:00 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Polly
Going to that school was a great huge step. Kids in school can be so mean...I don't understand it at all.
I am going to encourage you to really think about going back to school. My daughter graduated last year,and I have been begging her to look into colleges. She has a full time job,and I am afraid that she is stuck now. I keep telling her that she does not want to work for $9 and hour for the rest of her life. She is very scared,and has a reason why she does not want to do something everytime I bring it up.
Baby steps is a good way to go.
Have you been to the doctor to talk to them about how you have been feeling?

Shy
Posted 3/3/2007 5:53 PM (GMT 0)
Hi polly, It is good to see you back here :-)   I am very sorry about your mom, I am sure that it was it terrible thing for you to go through with her loss.  I wonder if you still had your dad that cared for you after that? or did you live with grandparents? 

There are lots of kids and adults that have self esteem issues.  These do usually begin in childhood and can be from a traumatic event or an unstable upbringing.  Kids can be so mean to each other and not even realize how much it does tear away at the other persons outlook of themselves.  The thing is that you have to build your armor around yourself and know that your better then those people who say those hateful things.  Those people and their "words" dont matter and shouldnt matter...they are not friends.  It is hard not to let it hurt you but when you find yourself and your inner strength it will all just fall away.

Polly, it sounds like you may be suffering with some kind of anxiety problem.  I wonder if you have been to see a doctor about any of the feelings you have had or are having?  If not I strongly recommend that you do.  I think you will find that it may be helpful especially if you are able to find the right balance in learning of what is going on and how to control it.  Please do keep posting and letting us know how your doing...take care

Posted 3/3/2007 8:16 PM (GMT 0)
Polly, my mother died when I was two and a half years old. I was so young I could not even go to the funeral. We did not do any kind of grief work or grief counselling in my family. My father hardly talked about my mother. Because we did not grieve as a family or as individuals, we could not move on from her death. My father acted out his grief by having affairs, and my brother and I ended up shutting down whole parts of ourselves. I urge you to at least consider some kind of grief counselling. Grief is hard. It is the ditch digging kind of hard work, and the only way out of it is through it. When you avoid grief, it eventually comes out, and generally in destructive (self and other) ways.
Posted 3/3/2007 8:38 PM (GMT 0)

All is not lost Polly - from your post I can see that you are really making good progress and working hard towards feeling better about yourself..Being motivated to study is all good - well done :-) At 19 you have your whole life ahead of you..don't be too hard on yourself - we are all different and only really acheive when we are in the right frame of mind to so.

Seeking medical advice and maybe a little counselling would be a great idea - you may well be suprised how much of a difference this makes to your life :)

Look forward to reading your next post.

Maree

Posted 3/10/2007 12:01 AM (GMT 0)
"So now after things like this happening my brain seems to think that it's just too risky to be in social situations. I am so scared of being made to feel stupid and worthless like I have done in the past. However, a part of me really wants to fight it...why the hell should I be made to feel inadequate by these idiots? Especially since it all happened long ago! Often depression and anxiety go hand in hand, but I think that my main problem is the anxiety and that my depression is a by-product of that. "

Whoa, this part really resonates with me, polly. You hit a nerve. There is that unanswerable question: Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Does depression kick in anxiety? Or does anxiety kick in depression? I don't even think the top psychiatrists know the answer to that one, the two are so intertwined. And then when the depression sets up shop in your brain for an extended period of time, your thoughts get so distorted and full of the negative that it becomes nearly impossible to see anything positive -- in you or in the world around you. It's for that reason, researchers and psychiatrists say, that it's important to not only take medication to balance the brain chemistry but also to go to therapy to get the thinking back into perspective.

In Alcoholics Anonymous, they call that out-of-whack thinking "stinkin' thinkin', and I've been really smelling the place up lately, just like you. That's part of the disease, polly. "Things" or "We" really aren't that bad, it just seems that way because of our warped perspectives.

I can tell by your posts how bright you are, and the fighter is still there, inside you. You even said "...why in hell should I be made to feel inadequate by these idiots?" Right on, sister! Why should you, indeed? I say fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Get on your boxing gloves and step on into the ring. I think you are ready to fight, or why would you be here?

A good cognitive therapist can help you in your fight. I know, I know, you're anxious about that, it means you need to leave the house, your comfort zone, your usual thinking patterns, your predictable behaviors, blah blah blah. I know. Believe me, I don't do a zippity doo dah all the way to therapy, either. I just keep showing up. It helps.

zinniagirl
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