I AM BLESSED

First let me say that I was so shocked when I saw my moms post on my perspective. I knew that she occasionally read these posts as my family has access to this site because I consider it an excellent resource for the family that I don't see every day to understand what I and others go through. The people that I love most in the world have been told about how much I love this forum and how I have "leaned" on it in days of darkness.

My mother is a valuable part of my life. I know most people would say that all mothers are a "valuable" part of anyone's life. Mine is exceptional!!!!!

My mother deals with the demons I do and I have watched her have days that have made me afraid to live with this illness. I have even told my mother that if my life was going to be as difficult at her age as it is now, I DIDNT WANT IT!!!!!!! My mother has had a life time of loneliness and disappointments but she is still here. I guess you could say that she, despite the challenges in her life, goes on.

I would encourage anyone that has children with depression to the extent I do to ask my mother some of her perspectives, she is and continues to be there for me in mind and spirit. She knows the depth of my faith and how hard I love things that mean everything to me. I am a forgiving soul that has often been a mortar to my own vices!!!!! I live a life that I didnt want and work every day to gain it back, she is right there!!!!!

Your posts always make me smile when I feel down. Thanks so much for all the words that show how much you truly care about this forum and the members. I remembered when I stumbled upon this site and how excited I was to have a place to share some of my most intimate and personal moments. I also shared it with my soulmate who cared so much about me getting well and of course my mom who always worries.

In the past couple months I have really needed you guys because of being alone and not allowing myself to share with anyone the pain I feel inside. I have found in this world we live in that the more you hide from anyone outside your comfort zone, the harder you become. Unfortunately, I have become as hard as rock to anyone outside the few people in this world I trust. I can count on one hand the number of people I will now and forever trust with my feelings. I will never let anyone get close enough to ever hurt me. I know you are saying that is not healthy and I know that, but I don't know how to do that anymore. You know when you just feel cold when it comes to people? That is me anymore. I used to really love to be around people and enjoy their company, I don't anymore, I do tolerate and put on a social face but that is it.

I just want you to know that this forum is one of the few "peoples" that I let into that circle.

Teresa, you are very sweet...thank you. I do understand greatly. I had a lot of stuff pile up on me all at once, emotionally others thought I was dealing with it well but, in my reality I was cracking.

I was diagnosed with MS shortly after I was married and never really dealt with having this disorder. My husband was a jerk and emotionally abusive so I walked out on my marriage and moved in with my mom. Because of my MS I couldnt keep up at my job I had been at for years so I had to resign and take another that paid way less. Before I was able to find an apartment I got sick again with this autonomic disorder which made me have to quit my job again and also have to stay living with mom. Since it is always uncertian when my blood pressure will drop and I will be passed out on the floor...it is dangerous for me to be on my own even though I would love to be so much. My world became very small and I made it that way. I stopped talking to friends that I had for years, I couldnt drive for the longest time so I only got to go out to doctor appointments when mom would take me. There was no point in even getting out of bed in the morning.

I dont really know what the turning point was for me. My only link to the outside world was my computer and often times when I was having an episode and was stuck in my room, laying in my recliner I would have my notebook with me and come to HW. It took a very long time and of course my mother...who I call momma has always pushed me every step of the way.

Of course I have had depression for a long, long time but when I became sick it compounded on it to a breaking point for me. I really think I would of given up without my mom this last time with this last dx. HW has also helped me a lot just reaching out to other people. In real life it is difficult for me too and I am just like you Teresa, I trust very few people. However, now that I have been getting out and trying to be more active I have noticed that when I smile at someone and say "hi" it is genuine and not put on or fake. I feel a little more open and easy. Not saying that I wont always be guarded but I dont feel like I have this mistrust sitting on me. I dont know it is weird and hard to explain.

For the longest time I was on Zoloft or Luvox and felt like I didnt have emotions, couldnt cry or when I did it was just an explosion that I had built up over time. Now I am on Effexor Xr and I feel totally differant that I have ever felt. Anyway, this doesnt have anything to do with what you posted and I am rambling here but I just was trying to say I do know what it is like when you have made your world or space so small like that. I have done that and now I am trying to climb or expand that I guess...it is difficult and scary.

But thank GOD for momma and her pushy, nosey ways...I love her so much!

I am so happy that my mom was able to open up a line of communication that allows up how we feel about our moms. I am touched by how important other people think their mothers are. There are a lot of people that dont appreciate their moms like they should.

My mother called me today to tell me how much she enjoyed writing to this forum! She felt at home with everyone and has stated that she looks forward to writing on other topics, I guess you could say that we opened up a gateway now for my mother to have a place to go with her feelings and dark days.

When speaking with my mother she stated to me how proud she was of the progress I am making with my feelings and thoughts. She sent a the post I wrote about my children to my siblings along with that she sent them the post she wrote as well.

To my dismay, my siblings were extremely negative and pointed fingers instead of looking at the essence of the post, not necessarily the post itself. I learned that they accused my mother of loving me the most and that she was also responsible for the way I was catered to by my grandmother that is deceased. There are many issues surrounding that topic and along those lines, some of the personality disorders that accompany my depression actually were rooted in the "way" I was treated differently than the other grandchildren. I live with that everyday because of the actions I have done to hurt others. I lost my last relationship due to "the self preservance of what I wanted in my life without thinking of anyone else" and until today have tried to move above that and take responsibility for change in my life. I am devastated that my own blood would bring that too light at a time when I am trying to battle every aspect in my life!!!!!!!!

I have been estranged from some of my family over the past 6 months or so because of issues in my family. I guess the thing that hurts me the most is that they are not concerned with my wellbeing and happy that I have positive thought processes going on in my life but they are more concerned with tearing "our" mother down because she wrote what she did in her post.

I guess what I have always tried to express to my siblings is that my mother and I share a special bond because of the HIDEOUS MONSTER THAT LIVES IN OUR BRAINS NAMED DEPRESSION!!! How awful is that someone you love and share blood with would consider that a reason to say "I always knew you loved her more than me?!"

I am sad and dishearted and I told my mother that she needs not regret telling me because that is why what she and I have is so rare because we share what happens in our lives no matter what, good or bad. I even said to my mom right after my surgery in November when we were discussing depression and how it still drags her down that if I was going to be like her at her age I would rather be dead!!! Yes, I said that to my mother not because of trying to hurt her but that was the way I felt. She was hurt and we talked about the reason behind that statement. That is why we will and never will hide anything from each other no matter how bad it hurts because we both know that at times, we dont talk, the beast does.

I guess that I just expected more from my family. Maybe I expect more from alot of people, doesnt mean I will get it though, huh.

I do want to thank you guys for the uplifting feeling my mom has about this forum!