homesickness.. rambling, sorry :(

A little over a year ago, I moved from Florida where I was born and raised to live with my boyfriend in Iowa. At first, I thought it was a good move and that I hated Florida and didn't want to come back.

But still to this day I get this overwhelming feeling of emptiness and guilt. I miss my family and I feel like I've ruined things for them by leaving. My dad is so upset by it that he got shingles that didn't go away for months. My mom was so depressed at first that she wasn't eating properly and was constantly going into diabetic shock, so I could've caused her to die. My sister feels abandoned and struggles with living alone with my parents because she fights with them all the time and I'm not there to take the focus off her I guess.

Then I can't stop thinking about the future. What if one or both of my parents die and I haven't seen them in months because I live 1,400 miles away? And I want to have a baby but I couldn't imagine raising a child without my own parents around. I want my mom there for me when I'm pregnant, I want them to see their grandbaby and spend time with it and spoil it... I want my sister to be around to experience being an aunt and maybe she would also learn some responsibility because she has some growing up to do...

This town really sucks. There's literally nothing to do but go to Wal-Mart, and there's no job opportunities. I managed to get a decent job but it's with a bunch of a**hole coworkers who I don't know if I could stand forever. And if my boyfriend quits his job there's not much left for him but factory work pretty much. Sure, living costs in Florida are way higher but I think we would be better off with more options, and my parents would help us out.

It's just not reasonable though. I really couldn't just pack up and leave right now. And my boyfriend doesn't want to go. Sometimes he says he does but it's just false hope for me.

I don't know how to deal with it. It hurts. The pain I feel when I think about my family, my beautiful nubby tailed boxer dog whose love I miss more than anything, the sadness I get when I look around and there's no ocean or palm trees to be seen, how it breaks my heart when my parents say they want me to come home, how I wish my boyfriend would just come with me because I couldn't leave him.. I've been more depressed in this past year than I have in my entire life. It could be because I don't have a single friend so I never do anything but mope around, and I don't exercise or anything anymore, but I wish the homesickness would at least get better. '

Does it ever get better?

Hi hardspace, I want to also welcome you to the depression forum.  Wow! Iowa...I bet there really isnt much of anything to do there .  I can relate to that some what as I live in Missouri and it is boring also, not too much around but cows and farm land but, it is beautiful here.  Somehow, someway you have to find and make your own peace with life and the situation your in.

I am sure your parents and sister miss you greatly but, you cant blame yourself for them getting sick or being ill after your absence.  Your parents are both old enough to know how to take care of themselves and even though they missed you and went though a depressive stage they should of been taking care of their health.  Sometimes, parents have a way of putting suttle guilt on their kids.  I'm not saying this is what they did but it kind of sounds like it...Also, whatever problems your sister is having with them because your not there to run interferance between them may be a good thing as perhaps she needs to learn how to deal or form a relationship with them on her own without your help.

It sounds as if your happy with your bf and want to stay with him but your just not too happy or are unsure of the living situation.  That is totally understandable.  It is difficult to move so far away from everything you know and everyone you love.  It would be the same way for him too I'm sure if the situation was reversed?  Perhaps like Shy suggested you could go home and visit for a week or so?  Or you and your bf can try to look for jobs that are closer to both of your families...like meeting in the middle sort of.  Just a suggestion. 

I am sure other members will be along to give you some more suggestions regarding this.  I hope things get better for you and do please keep us updated and feel free to post away here.  Take care