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Posted 6/26/2007 3:16 PM (GMT 0)
Hey angel,

I am worried about you, that message you just sent me this morning has sent up huge red flags for me..............what is going on? Talk to us, please.
Posted 6/27/2007 8:25 AM (GMT 0)
Kitt i am so sorry i did not mean anything by that message. But yeah i was feeling really down and had alot on my mind (some not nice things aswell).
I am sorry you got worried it was not how it was meant.

I have spoken to you so you know whats going on and i will post on here later ok.

Angel
Posted 6/27/2007 9:51 AM (GMT 0)
I am going to be honest and tell you all what has been going on with me recently.



I spoke to my SW on friday and it came out what i wsa going to do and when.
But on saturday i realised that my plans would not work as my daughter would be of school that day, her school is closed, teacher training day. That completly threw me and sent me into a panic, i didnt know what to do.
Anyway i spoke to my SW again on monday and she asked me if what i said was true and was i going to do it.

I then told her what had happened and yes i was going to do it until id found out my daughter would be home.

She was relieved. I was confused, just blank.

Anyway i spoke to my SW again monday and though i would be honest with her, what did i have to loose.

But when i took my daughter to school i went home and went to bed and fell asleep. It was a way of keeping myself safe and i was so tired.
So when i spoke to her on the phone yesturday she asked me what i had been up to and i thought i'd be honest with her and tell her the truth.

She said if things carried on like this then she would have no option but get other services involved, like child social services.

Anyway she had to go as she had a patient waiting. I have therapy thursday morning. I was worried about going but i have been told that i NEED to. I am scared though.

I just think in therapy you are meant to go forward not backwards.

I just dont know what to do for the best.

I seem to have lost all direction at the moment. And feel a complete mess.
Posted 6/27/2007 11:18 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Angel,

Im so sorry that you are feels really low at the moment. Have you talked to your therapist about the problems you are having or are you going to on Thursday? Let us know how you get on. If you are still feeling so low, perhaps there needs to be a change / addition to the therapy so that you can feel "better".

We are all here for you, like we are for everyone, so you are never far away from some love and support.

Big Hugs

Darren
Posted 6/27/2007 11:23 AM (GMT 0)
Angel
Maybe I am reading between the lines here, hopefully I am but I don't think so.
I am going to tell you something..you are not thinking about what something like that does to your family.
It will tear them apart,they will always blame themselves. They will never get over it.
What about your daughter? Think about the horror she would have coming home and seeing that?
Think about your daughter having to go into therapy in order to try to deal with her nightmares for the rest of her life.
It is time that you get help,and I mean NOW
You owe it to your children. Simple as that.
Call someone,or simply walk yourself into a hospital and tell them you need help.
Please,get help for your children they do not deserve this at all.
Here are some helpful resources also:
National Suicide Hotline
1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433)
This is a combined network of the Amerian Association of Suicidology, the National Hopeline Network, CONTACT USA, and many other organizations. Call are automatically routed to the nearest crisis center to the phone from which the call for help is placed.
Helpful Web Site
http://suicidehotlines.com/ (includes Suicide Crisis Center and Depression and Suicide)
Shy
Posted 6/27/2007 12:31 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks for that, well i can assure you that the moment has passed.

Your right i was not thinking of anyone else apart from myself, i could not see past that.

I love my kids and dont want them to have to deal with something like that.

 

Thanks for the numbers, i am in UK though.

 

xxxxx

 

Posted 6/27/2007 12:45 PM (GMT 0)
Here are a few hotlines that I found for you there:

http://www.medicine.manchester.ac.uk/suicideprevention/nci/
http://www.healthyplace.com/communities/depression/suicide/crisis_centers.asp
Posted 6/27/2007 12:56 PM (GMT 0)
sad  Angel~

I didnt realize that you were going through this pain.  I am going to be totally upfront here.  The first thing I want to say is that I appreciate the fact that others here give you advice about what it would do to your family and how horrible it would be for you to make the decisions that you thought about making.  I want to validate your feelings with what you were thinking.  When you are feeling like you did, you do not think of what people in your life will go through, cold hard fact is that you are not thinking.  You want the pain to go away and I understand that and I thank God that you had the frame of mind to understand that your pain is temporary at least for awhile and that you were able to pull yourself from the depths of this awful feeling.

 

Believe me I know where you are coming from.  I guess what I want to say is that I understand that your thoughts were very real and that is what frightens me.  You thought enough to survey the circumstances around you, ie, your daughter being home and other things that kept you from doing what you were going to do.  People that are serious about their thoughts of wanting to get away from the pain, in my opinion, are more likely to look at the circumstances surrounding how and when and you did that.  Angel I agree with the others in saying that yes you must seek help when feeling like this.  Help may be different for other people, for me it is my tape recorder and tapes that I have made instead of journaling, I find in those times when I am at the worst despair in my life that I cannot write exactly how I am feeling so I tape what I am feeling.  The other avenue for me is my God and Faith as well as the guardian angel that cares about me more than life.

 

I understand where others will say "think about your family" and how that will affect them but really you just want to say "what about me and how I feel, does anyone really care about me and why must I feel like this to make the people in my life happy because I am alive?"  Brutal reality for us is that at that point in time it is about "OUR" pain not others no matter how much we love them, that is the understanding that most people dont realize.

 

Be strong and have faith and you know no matter how bad you feel, I am with you in thought and you know that!!

 

Hugs

 

 

Posted 6/27/2007 1:10 PM (GMT 0)
Angel,
I too am from the UK but currently living oversas, Shy and others have offered you great advice already and I'm sure you can imagine the hurt that your daughter alone would feel if you did take such drastic steps.
It is so important that you get correct treatment so that you can win the battle with depression if not the battle can be a very lonely and hurtful place as quite clearly you know.
I am so new to depression that I really am struggling to offer good advice, but you know if you can manage to get the right treatment and support, life can be so good.
I have added the details of a website below, I don't know if it's any good or not but it might be worth checking it out.
My last point is this, if things do get too bad again get back to your GP you deserve to feel better and once your medical team get the right balance in counselling/meds I'm sure you too can see a better life.
http://www.depressionalliance.org/docs/help/help.html
Take care.
Dave
Posted 6/27/2007 1:14 PM (GMT 0)
Angel,
Here's another link that might be useful.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/health/conditions/mental_health/emotion_suicide.shtml#if_you're_considering_suicide
Please take time to read it and give it serious consideration.
Take care.
Dave
Posted 6/27/2007 9:55 PM (GMT 0)
Dear Angel,
Well I feel like I have a bit of egg on my face as Teresa said it very well:
]"I understand where others will say "think about your family" and how that will affect them but really you just want to say "what about me and how I feel, does anyone really care about me and why must I feel like this to make the people in my life happy because I am alive?" Brutal reality for us is that at that point in time it is about "OUR" pain not others no matter how much we love them, that is the understanding that most people dont realize."

She is right, it is about your pain and I have been going on about other's reaction. So forgive me for not validating your pain more.

It does not change my mind about seeking help right away and talking to someone but it puts a new slant on your reasoning.

I think it also helps you to recognize how great your pain is and I so want you to just yell out until someone helps you. I know you called crisis more than once and were blown off. Not right. But don't stop with them.

Work on the CBT tomorrow at therapy.

Your stressors are huge, your a single parent, one son with autism, one daughter angry at how her life is..............sweetie you have more than your share of issues to deal with. I believe in you and want you to get help so please keep talking to these wonderful members, to me and to the others.

Never think we do not understand. (((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))

Love
Mum Kitt
Posted 6/28/2007 9:09 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Angel,

The best people I can think of if you need someone to talk to would be the Smaritans. I have left the phone number here for you. It is a 24-7 helpline and they will talk to you for as long as you need to. 08457 90 90 90 - Samaritans
We are all really worried about you and would love to hear from you again.

Much love and BIG hugs

Darren
Posted 6/28/2007 9:33 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks all,  I am still here just so tired.

 

Not got much to say 

 

Thanks again  xx

Posted 6/28/2007 12:13 PM (GMT 0)
Angel
I am sorry if I sounded harsh with my post..I guess I should have told you where I was coming from.
3 years ago my best friend since grade school called me. We had a very weird 10 minute conversation. She lived 2 hrs away from me. I panicked. I had no idea that she was taking it that far.
I called her mom,who lived a few blocks away from her. I got into my car,and while driving I kept calling my best friends phone. No answer.
I arrived to find the ambulance in front of her house. Her daughter was sitting in the bathroom in shock. She did not know where she was,she did not know her name.
She had cancer,and after her mom left us she gave up at the young age of 9.(that was 8 months after her mom left us)
All of that tore that family apart as you can imagine.
To this day Angel,I blame myself for not seeing the signs. I had been going through a very abusive marriage and my best friend kept telling me to get out. But,she never told me how bad her state of depression was.
Her husband and society is what took her down.
I have a hard time dealing with the day that it happened each year. It has not gotten better as time passes,I just miss her more it seems.
A few months later her mom gave me a few things,one was my best friends diary. It took me over a year to even take it out of the box. Another 6 months to read it. That killed me. I have never picked it up again. I have so much guilt that I did not see the signs then.
I know that you are feeling so much pain that you don't think there is anything that can make it better.
I pray that you get the help you need so that you are able to wake up and feel safe and happy one day.

Shy
Posted 6/28/2007 12:45 PM (GMT 0)
Shy

 

I am so sorry to hear what happened with your friend and her daughter.

It was not your fault at all.  I know i am very good at hiding the way i feel around other people.  I can put on the fake smile etc but inside i am hurting like mad / falling apart.

 

Sometimes i wish i could tell the world how i feel but when it comes to it there is only a handful of people that really know.

At the moment my online friends/family know about this latest episode.  And the mental health team.  I saw my therapist this morning and let it all out to him.

We went through my cupboard were i keep my meds and we went through them and he took some away. i had some old meds in there aswell that he took.  He was going to dispose of them at the chemist.

He said that he did not think hospitilisation was best for me as he thinks that as i was making progress with him before we can work on it and get back on track again.

He wants to treat me within the community and thinks it can be done.

 

He will be coming back on tuesday and we are going to work on the way i am thinking and try and turn my thoughts around, but break them down and analyse them.

 

I want to thank you all for your help and support.  I still feel really bad and i know this is going to be really hard work, i just dont know if i am strong enough to do it.

 

xxx

Posted 6/28/2007 3:00 PM (GMT 0)
Angel,
I certainly think you are strong enough to do it and with the help of your therapist and the caring understanding people here on HW I believe you can get through this. I remember a person once told me if it isn't worth fighting for it isn't worth having, so however painful and difficult life can be, just remember it's because your life is worth so much.
Take care.
Dave
Posted 6/28/2007 4:00 PM (GMT 0)
Hey Angel
You know that I believe in you and I understand your pain better today thanks to the posts here.
You are always worried about me and that speaks volumes. When I shared with you my issues yesterday you were immediately there to support me and that shows me you can be tough enough to work through this with your therapist.
If you can reach out to help others when your in pain, how caring is that. You are a valuable member of this forum and you support your friends thru emails and IM. You know some day we may meet and won't you be surprised to find out we can have fun?
Life can be good between the bad times.
Just keep on talking and don't shut down because then you start misjudging yourself and let the pain overwhelm you.
(((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))
Your Mum accross the ocean.
Love ya
Posted 6/28/2007 8:53 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks Dave and kitt (my online mum)

 

Thanks for your replies, i really appreciate you being there for me.  I love my online family and friends, i really do.  Without you i dont know what i would do.  I am just sorry i dont have any words of wisdom for you lot in your time of need.  But just know i love you!!#

 

I will be honest with you and start to tell you how i feel daily and hope that you dont get fed up with me.........

I am feeling really low but am trying to think positive, it is really hard though.  I feel that i am really tired, both physically and emotionally.  I will have to keep this short as i cant say too much.

 

I will be back at some time tomorrow.

 

I am beginning to realise that you lot are there to help and support me.

I have issues with trust and find it hard to trust people with my feelings.

 

But am beginning to feel a bit more relaxed here.  I would hate to get on anyones nerves, that would just bring me right down if i new that was happening.

 

A big thank you to all of you.

 

 

Angel  xx

 

 

Posted 6/28/2007 10:09 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Angel,

We don't know each other, but I've read quite a few of your recent posts. I'm pretty sure that everyone would agree with me when I say that I can't imagine a single thing you could say that would get on anyone's nerves here. This is THE place where you can be yourself and say EXACTLY what is on your mind. I'm very glad to see that you are still checking in here and sharing your very personal experiences. It shows a lot about your character. You're a fighter and even though this is painful and it seems as if you don't have the strength, it's obvious that you do have a lot of strength. You will persevere and thrive.

I belive in you,

Rick...
Posted 6/28/2007 11:34 PM (GMT 0)
Hey Angel,

Rick said it better than I could..................you could never get on our nerves, we are not here to judge and you do help many. I know that as I have seen your posts of support and I have received ecards from you when I was so ill, every day you were online helping me.

You help me now as I help you. We are equal here.
Posted 6/29/2007 7:14 AM (GMT 0)
Angel,
like has been said already you can never get on anyones nerves here, we are all here to help each other because we all suffer in our own way and come here for and to offer support for each other.
I was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis (UC) a few years ago and because of my job I am unable to share my thoughts and feelings with my work colleagues, I am in the Army, we are supposed to be fit, healthy and strong both physically and mentally, I have let the side down, because I'm no longer fit, strong or healthy, I feel such a failure and have done since diagnosis. Since finding this website I have had so much support from others suffering and have never been judged or belittled for feeling the way I do, I really don't know what I would have done had I not found this website.
Having recently been diagnosed with depression I already had trust and faith that I would get support and the advice I needed from this website, by caring compassionate people and that is exactly what has happened, members of HW have always been here for me through my difficult times and they, myself included are here for you too, admittedly we don't have a magic wand and we can't fix anything for you but we are there to support you as much as we can, with all our combined strength you are certainly strong enough to deal with anything smile you just have to keep talking to us and your healthcare team so we can offer you the best advice and support and we can get through the difficult times together.
Take care.
Dave
Posted 6/29/2007 3:54 PM (GMT 0)
Happy birthday Angel.

Hang in there; it's obvious you are so important to many people. Things will look up eventually.
Posted 6/29/2007 3:56 PM (GMT 0)
HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANGEL!!
Posted 6/30/2007 12:02 PM (GMT 0)
Angel
How are you today?
Shy
Posted 6/30/2007 12:26 PM (GMT 0)
thanks for the birthday wishes.

 

I am so glad that it is over.

 

I am feeling really rubbish today.  Didnt sleep well last night.  Just want to curl up.  Feeling useless really, but hey i am still here.

 

Got some confusing thoughts going round my head as yesturday was going to be 'the day'.

 

I will be back later.  Thanks 

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