"Stand by my man" - losing hope

Really trying~

The most important thing I can implore to you is if you truly love this man, dont back down!!  I know that it is the worst thing a person can live with in this world!  I had the love of my life tore apart by depression and I was trying to get better.  I understand your frustration with him not going to the appointment and maybe other things that you find unacceptable, but please know that when you are depressed you are unable to make good decisions and you will make decisions in order to be able to control the things in life that he  can, going into work instead of the appointment is more important to him for maybe reasons that you dont understand.

 

The love that you share will prove to be unconditional and with that will make you strong and able to stand side by side and fight.  I had this and believe me, for once in my life I felt safe and protected in my feelings and I knew that as hard as the depression was, my "baby" as I refer to him was never going to let anything happen to me,  I dont have that now and it is the most horrible thing in the world that a person that deals with depression can go through!  The abandoness and loss of someone that was your confidant is as devasting as the depression itself.  This is something that I would encourage you to think about when he is at his lowest.  He doesnt want to be there but he is and without you, he may never reach a level where he could be healthy.  I know that this sounds like you should deal with his depression and not your needs, and believe me i am not saying that.  It is so important that your needs are met as well.  I would be lying if I said that at times it will be a decision that is easy to make but remember that it is your health that is a gift to both of you. 

 

Hang in there and know that from the opposite side of depression, it is one of the most valuable things in his life knowing that he has you. 

I miss my 2%er and his support and love with my depression.  I miss knowing that no matter how hard the depression knocks me down that he was there AT ANY TIME to hold me and fight to the death against depression to make sure I was ok.  It was not my depression that chased him from me but at times I wish it was because he was a great soldier and I really miss that.

 

Do what you can to encourage and listen, do make sure that you let him know how you are feeling and what is important to you, even though we have depression you need to take care of you too!!!

God Bless You!!

 

 

Really
I agree with all of the advice you have been given,it is so hard to go to the first appointment when you have depression. It hurts the pride and scares you to death. And I think it is harder for men to admit it since they have been trained all of their lives to be strong and not show their emotions.

Keep on him,and I also suggest you getting some type of counseling yourself as it is a known fact that depression can drag everyone else down too.

Keep us posted and stay strong

Shy

Hi Really Trying - I'm sorry, I just now saw this post. Glad you like the signature.

I'm sorry to hear about the set back with your husband. I can only echo the supportive words above. In my scenario, my wife denies that she's depressed. Her stance now is that it's me and my situation (meaning that I have two kids and an ex-wife that I have to work a schedule with) that she can't handle anymore. She says that she thought that she could handle it, but she can't, so she's leaving and divorcing me. Oooookay.

I'm not sure if you saw my other posting about her being diagnosed with a sugar addiction (from a psychiatrist), but she has denied that as well. She tried going off of sugar for two weeks to (her words) prove me wrong about it (me and the psychiatrist), but she only lasted six days. She's now back on sugar. She says it makes her feel better and she has more energy.

So, I'm dealing with similar denial from my wife and I'm just not sure what I can do anymore. She has a few good days (like Friday and Saturday) and then it's like she's afraid of it being good, so she derails things again so that she has an excuse to leave. She's going to say and do anything to justify her leaving this marriage. I am convinced that there's nothing that I can do to stop her at this point.

I am just so upset that she promised me everything in the world. We got married, I adopted her two kids, and then we had a baby together. How in the world did I miss anything? I tell you, when all is said and done, I may be on this board for my own depression!

;-)

Hang in there. I'm here (you can Email me directly if you'd like) for you in any way I can be.

Rick..l.

I know this muist be hard for you at the moment but if your husband is going to re-schedule the appointment thats got to be a good thing. Have you tried offering to make it for him to save him the hassle?

Welcome to Healing Well and I am sorry we meet under these circumstances. You have made a wise choice in joining this forum as the members know where your coming from and what you have been going through.

Your husband is in a very bad place right now and he is in denial. He cannot be allowed to continue this way so I hope you are strong enough to get him back to the physicians and the therapy.
Please make an appointment for you to talk one on one with a therapist on how this is affecting your whole family. Yes it is a slow process with lots of bumps in the road but you cannot get started down the road until he is willing to accept he needs help. Talk to his physician and explain his missuse of his medications.
You mentioned your children want you to leave, are you saying they want you to leave and take them with you? How sad for all of you.
Stay with us and keep posting.
You have my support and hugs.

Wifeofdepression

I agree with Darren,the abuse of the meds needs to stop right away. And as a person that was in your husbands shoes,let me tell you it is easy to go down that road.
I took more than what I was supposed to with my meds,it was so easy to think "things are bad right now,so I need just one more"... then it got to the point to where I was calling my doctor for more before I should have been. I just wanted to be out of it,simple as that.

They need to consider giving him something different. That does not make him so tired...and then he needs to understand what can happen if he takes more than prescribed.


Please keep us posted and stay strong!!

Shy

Hello Wifeofdepression,

I am so glad that you also found this forum for support. Everyone here is very helpful and it has been beneficial for me, at least, to hear others' perspective since I cannot fully discuss my husband's depression with friends and family.

We are both in a difficult situation, while we love our husbands we are very much hurting from their condition and are at a loss of what to do. It sounded like things were getting better for you for a while and then things went down again. I am also hoping with you that things get better when your kids return.

I have not yet asked my husband if he has rescheduled his first appointment with the therapist. I am trying hard to show him that I have the faith and trust in him that he will do this in his own regard... trying to take the approach that this faith and trust in him will help build his esteem and also trying to make the idea of going to the therapist a positive move.

But at the same time I feel like he needs the push to get going... Darren on this forum has made a good suggestion for me to make the appointment for him (thank you!), I am going to see if he makes the appointment in the next week and then call the therapist at the end of next week. I have to face the fact that the appointment really might not happen if left to his own devices.

We have had a good week this week. And today he really opened up and talked to me in a way he hasn't in a very, very long time. He did have a couple glasses of red wine after work while we were getting dinner ready, which I think helped a lot to relax him.

I know my husband is stressed with work, he strives for perfection and feels lousy when he feels he has failed the executives and peers. (which is what I think is a great contributing factor to his depression) This week it seems the executives realized his contributions to the company - and actually verbalized it to him - and I think it boosted his mood and confidence. I know we all look for approval from those around us in our own ways, but to have happiness directly linked to this approval is something I have a hard time understanding. Even with my encouragement about the greatness of his work, it wasn't enough.

But I am learning more and more that a man's professional success is much more demanding on a personal level for a man than for a woman, more than I can ever know or understand as a woman. His financial contributions to our family exceed mine, but over the past couple years I have received a lot of recognition in my company. I know he was happy for me, but at the same time his company was going through challenging times and I know he blamed himself for things (even though the challenges were due to budgetary reasons, not his lack of effort). So I think part of his depression is also due to his work situation.

I'll post an update in about a week... and look forward to keeping up with you, too, Wifeofdepression.

Hi Everyone,

Thought I would update you all on my week. My husband spent all but one day out of the last 6 in bed. He sees nothing wrong with this. The only day he was not in bed was the day he went to the therapist and psychiatrist. He actually told the psychiatrist he was 100% better. The psychiatrist told him that he was evasive and wants him to bring me to the next appointment.  The first half of the week I was out of town. He was home alone with the kids. The kids were miserable. When he stumbled down stairs he could barely stand, was argumentative and slurred his words. Conversations were forgotten. He is adamant that the week in bed was due to a bad back and not depression. There is always a reason other than depression why he is in bed.

This week he is to be out of town on a trip with our son. Son does not want to go, but husband adamant that they must go. Yesterday after a huge discussion regarding the trip and whether he should go I left. When I got back he was out biking. When he arrived home he wanted positive feedback for getting out of bed at 3 in the afternoon and riding 10 miles. Today he is back in bed because he is so sore. It is a vicious cycle.

The dr appts are set for the 16th.

I want off the roller coaster.

L.

Hi WifeOfDepression,

Im really sorry to hear that things are not getting any better for you. Your husband is in denial and its a terrible stage to have to go through, but a stage we all have to go through. The fact that he is seeing a therapist is a good sign. Like Shy, I only hope that he is able to see what he is doing to you and your children. Spending 6 days a week in bed isnt helping him either. I know its easier said than done, but getting him to exercise for an hour a day in the sunshine would do him a world of good.

Have Strength and Take Care

Darren

Thanks for all the encouragement. As he is on vacation this week alot of the stress that is brough on by him being in bed is removed. After negotiation son and husband agreed to forgo the camping trip and go to cities near by. It was a good resolution. Today they are going to museums.
I agree he needs more therapy than once every two weeks, but he will not go. Trying to be happy with his minimal efforts is hard. He wants praise that he is going, he thinks this is a huge effort. He says that his sleeping is not a big deal, that I am making it into a big deal.
We will have to see what happens next................

Shy,

My men are off to a baseball game. Son seems happy, which is good as my husband cancelled their plans yesterday to stay in bed. I got called out of town yesterday. When I called home I found my son upset but told me he could not tell me why he was upset or my husband would be mad with him. Of course I then knew that husband was in bed.

As his psychiatrist and therapist both want me at his next appointment I sat down with a calendar to note the days he has gotten out of bed before 4 in the afternoon. It is about 1 out of 7 days in the last three weeks!!

I dont get it. He is on 30 mg of lexapro. He seems lighter in his moods. I am worried as there are days when his speech is slurred and he forgets conversations, plus sometimes his behavior is just plain odd. This week, the one day he left the house, he got his head shave ala Britney Spears???? He said he wanted to make me happy--his hair seems to be thinning since he started the lexapro-- I mentioned suggesting we purchase a volumizing shampoo, but I never said to shave his head.

We received a report from his endrocronologist which said there is an some type of unformed 6 mm thing on his thyroid, as it is not clear they recommend waiting a year before another look. She also recommended that he go to an aggressive internist, and was kind enough to find someone who is curious and wants to take the case. He said he feels like he has seen enough doctors and just wants to work with his psychiatrist and therapist. Which means he wants me to work with them, as last week he was no evasive they want him to bring me in--i give a more concise picture they told him. I really like this psychiatrist, the first one was a nightmare. He believed my husbands story of being 100% better on 10 mg of lexapro, when there had been no change. This psychiatrist saw thru my husband response that he was 100% better--and told him to bring me in for the next visit.

Frankly I have my own therapist. She is wonderful. I would never dream of taking my husband. Besides you all she is the only one I have to vent all my frustrations with his depression.  Husband has to want to get better. I feel that he wants me to go to his dr so that he can blame me if he does not recover. I get blamed for a lot around here.

Several months ago I gave him a deadline of June 3, 2007 to start to get out of bed. He says that the meds are working and eventually he will be well enough to get out of bed. But when. School starts in a few weeks. This is a crucial year for our daughter. I do not need her being upset. I want to give him the benefit of trying to get better--but what is trying??? I need to define that in my mind. For weeks I have been asking that Husband give me a go to work time and a get home time schedule that he will adhere too--so far nothing. I do not have a viable consequence.

I need to figure this out.

L

Hi L,

Im glad your son seems happy even though he was so upset the day before. Did everything go well? Im sure I remember in the back of my mind someone saying to me about strange behaviour and linking it to Lepraxo, but it was only a temp thing for about a month when he first started taking it. As for the Britney Spears thing... I can possibly relate to that and it might not be as strange as it first looks. Its a case of reading between the lines. (Something I have learned to do very well!) His hair is thinning and you suggest a volumising shampoo. That says to him: "I agree your hair is thinning, lets change that because I dont like it" (That might not be what you mean, but thats probably how he sees it) So his reaction is to stop it thinning completely (I.e. cut it off, since a shaved head is accepted for men) I too, would rather shave my head once my hair starts thinning badly. (Which wont be long at this rate!)

I hope this is of some use to you and I hope things start to improve for you

Darren