Being single...

Hi,

I just thought I'd write a little about my situation in hopes someone feels the same or can give me any comfort.

I moved to nyc almost 2 years ago not knowing anyone and have made very few new friends since, none of them close..and of course, im single. I'm only 24 but ive never had a relationship that wasn't anything but ridiculous which makes being single even harder even tho i know im young...just not knowing if im even capable of having one that will last scares the heck out of me since having a family is really all i know i want for my future.

i was walking around the park yesterday and its impossible not to get depressed, seeing friends having picnics, and couples kissing, etc, etc.

i know being single is OK...but im not ok with it :(
i just want to not be so miserable about it.

i do what i can, i go to meetup groups to meet new people, i do online dating, so no one can accuse me of not trying....but im still stuck here, lonely and sad.

any words of wisdom?

Hi Jenni,

I can TOTALLY relate to where you are coming from in terms of being single. I am 22 and I have never had a relationship of any kind. (Not even the ones that dont last) and I am definately one of the grimacers! Everywhere I look there are couples "eating each others faces" (So to speak!). I can't even watch the TV without a couple kissing. I think if you are missing something you notice it much more. I never knew how many Silver Ford Escorts there were in the UK until I totalled mine.

People say that being single is OK, but they are usually the people that have not been single for a long period of time (Years) or they have just broken up with someone. You will find your knight in shining armour... its just that he's hiding at the moment.

Keep your chin up & your eyes open... he's out there somewhere and you dont want to miss him!  

Darren

Jenni.  I agree with much of what Sarah said.  But I have a little more to add.  I am just about 40 and was divorced about 2 1/2 years ago from my husband.  We were married for 14 years and had been together for about 22 years.  We had met when I was 15 years old and were married when I was 21.

I understand how you feel about the loneliness.  When my two daughters go to bed each night or at their dad's on Saturday nights I feel so isolated and alone.  I lost many of "our" friends when we divorced and had lost almost all of mine during our marriage.  My former husband somehow always found fault with each of my friends and/or most activities that I had engaged in. 

It truly hurts to see couples together and especially when they look so happy. And it fuels my depression and feelings of "I'm just not good enough."  But like Sarah said, I am trying to push these feelings aside and am now trying to better myself first.  I am currently in a graduate program to become a teacher.  I know I will feel accomplished and confident when I finally achieve it.  I need to lose a "ton" of weight and I need to learn how to like myself.  So yes, I have many doubts (plus more) than you had expressed.

What I am trying to do now is figure out who I am and who I would like to become.  I will soon be venturing out to try to pursue other interests such as sewing, taking "how to" classes at home depot, learn appropriate ettiquette and more.  My therapist says this will all build my self confidence and help me to feel whole and complete.  I'm not even close to that yet, but that's my goal.  Could this work for you?  Rather than looking for that "perfect" soulmate right now--work on making yourself happy first and you will come across as a much happier and better person.

And in regards to those all so happy couples that you see in the park - appearances can be very deceiving.  We don't know how long those happy moments last or the true quality of those relationships.  I know in my marriage everyone thought we were the perfect couple.  We always presented ourselves well and my husband did not show his judgemental and controlling traits to others.  It was always in the privacy of our own home.  We honestly do not know what goes on behind closed doors.  While being alone can make us desperately miserable it can also make us happy to know that we are free to be ourselves and do not have to mold ourselves into what someone else wants us to be.  Many of my "happily married" friends have often expressed their envy to me that they wish they could change places with me so that they didn't always have to accomodate the needs of someone else.

You sound like a mature 24 year old.  My advice is to use this time wisely to develop your own interests to become the person that you would like to be.  I was too young when I entered into my own relationship.  If you use this time to strenghten your inner core you will one day have a relationship where you will feel confident, proud, satisfied and happy.

In closing, the next time you see the hugging couples in the park try not to think of how alone you are.  Instead, try to realize that you are lucky in many other ways.  Let go of some of your fears and things should fall into place.

I wish you the best.  And when you are lonely come back to this forum.  We are all here to share our pain and victories together.

Cass

I can completely relate Jenni - I live near a beach and park, and I see "happy" couples *constantly* - walking their dog, holding hands, picnic-ing, etc. It can be incredibly nauseating and upsetting to see what everyone else has and what I don't. And then I feel so guilty for envying them - why shouldn't people be happy and enjoying themselves?!? But like Cass said (which I hadn't thought of either), we don't know what's going on the rest of the time (thanks for that Cass!). What we see is probably only a small part of the picture.

Being alone is so hard - but somehow we have to find a way to be happy within ourselves before we can have a healthy relationship with anyone else. Probably sounds corny, but it's true. But it's still so hard - I totally relate - and my "happy" friends don't have these feelings at all. They cannot relate, which makes me feel even worse and borderline nutty (ie. what's wrong with me that I feel this way???)

Of course you are good enough, we are all good enough... we just have to really believe it and install it in ourselves, so it shines through.

At least you are trying online dating and meetup groups - that's probably more than some people do. I joined a dance class in January, which I really enjoy. There's no guys in it, but that's not why I joined - I did that for myself. I would keep doing what you're doing... just keep talking to people, meeting as many people as possible, growing your network, and invite people to do things instead of waiting for people to ask you (which is what I'm guilty of).

Hang in there - it will happen - you just have to believe in yourself and all the good qualities that you have to offer!

Buddy, I'm feeling you! and with exposure to central park, all that's even tougher on a single. I hate cliche' sp? (time worn, one-size-fits-all) advise so I'll share this:
I have no problem getting dates either, but deep inside I have this self-defeating feeling like; "I fear you won't like me when you really get to know me"
They usually hang in there, with me, until I bring "my prophecy " to fruition :)
Good Luck and I hope your feeling better soon.

Jeni

Think of your date as an experience and don't assume it will be a disaster.  Keep an open mind and  remind yourself you are a kind and caring person, you deserve to have some fun............so off you go and have fun.

Miracles do happen you know?

i actually had 2 dates this weekend, and its all getting to be too much...i want to find someone so bad so i know i have to keep doing this but i also should be taking a break...its too hard...i had a great time on both dates, one moreso than the other, and its all just a game waiting to find out which one will call me, which one will actually want a relationship, and IF on the slight chance they do, will I want them...its a corny phrase, but my heart hurts....i feel so crapty today, just knowing i have to wait for something to happen or not to happen. i wish i could just enjoy the great date i had last night, i got to ride on a motorcycle for the first time! i should be in a good mood today! but im really really not :(

Do you like to read books? Maybe there's a book club you could join near you?

I just looked on Meetup.com and there's a ton of book clubs in NYC.

I'd think it would be a fun way of meeting other women too, and they might try to fix you up with a friend of their husband or whatever.

24 is still really young though. If you're going on tons of dates, then someone will click with you and things will turn out.

Can you go out to the movies with girlfriends instead? I think you're combining your loneliness and your dating prospects together, when you should treat them separately. That is, if you make lots of girlfriends, and fill up that loneliness with just general socializing, you won't put so much pressure on yourself to find that one special guy. Then, before you know it, that guy will find you, and you'll have him, a house, two dogs, 2 kids and a new minivan.

Jenni dear, I am a little concerned that you mentioned you have been dating for so long a period of time and not had a serious relationship that lasted over a month.  I wonder if you have certain requirements that you look for in a guy?  Perhaps, you may have some of those standards set too high? or not high enough? I don't know... But when you say your tired and frustrated, no matter how much you long for a relationship, how about just giving yourself a break for a while.  Believe me you wont miss out on the perfect guy while you are MIA.

Do something good for yourself like joining a health club.  This is a wonderful place to meet/make some girlfriends and not to mention there are guys there too...But that aside it does sound like you need some female interaction, someone to talk to and go out on the town with.  It may also help with some of loneliness and curb some of that need to have a relationship right now.

Hey Girls,

You all are still pretty young when it comes to the dating world.  In cosmopolitan areas, like NYC, a lot of singles work on their careers for several years, and don't get down to serious dating until much later than areas that are more suburban.  You notice the people that are doing things you would like to be doing yourselves.  You probably just tune out all the other singles doing the watching exercise. 

Do something wacky.  Get a Super Shooter water gun, sit on a park bench, and shoot any cute guy that passes by.  Or maybe aim at them if you are pretty good with a frisbee.  Heck, borrow someone's dog and take it for a walk.  Recreation areas are great people meeting locations.  Everyone is trying to relax, have fun, people watch, etc...  Give it a try, you might just meet someone really compatible.  Plus, daytime meetings or get togethers are much less stressful than night dates.  No worrying about who calls who first, what outfit to wear, where to go, transportation, make out or not, etc....

Be grateful that you are on the beginning side.  Your story is yet to be written.  I, on the other hand, am on the other side.  I've had two major relationships in my life, strangely both lasted about 8 yrs.  I'm now 42, divorced, and living on disability.  My prospects of finding a new mate are pretty slim, and at this age, any available man has a huge amount of baggage dragging behind him.  Heck, when you end up single at my age, you wonder if you'll ever have sex again.  Last year I had a hot 3mth torrid fling with an old friend, and it was the best sex I've ever had, literally.  I think I'm ruined for life now.  It can't possibly ever get better.  Seems like it's all downhill from here.

Good luck to you youngin's.  I'm sure the right guy is just around the corner.  Let us know things go.

SPECIAL NOTE TO JOEHEALINGNOW:  You come across as being superior, in fact pretty pompous.  Maybe your next post won't sound like you are a know-it-all.  Just an observation.

Leigh Ann