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Need help w/son who has girlfriend problems - my heart is breaking for him

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Posted 9/20/2007 8:51 PM (GMT 0)
I have not posted for some time as have been really busy and have been feeling so much better. My problem is my son who has been dating a girl for 2 yrs. They have gotten quite serious, talking marriage and children. The problem is she has gone away to another state to graduate school and has met someone else she thinks she might be interested in at least to date right now. This is all a big turn around as she said in the past she could not live without him and loved him so and has never felt about anyone the way she has my son.  Now all of a sudden she is intrigued by this guy. He lives in the apt above hers.  They have not dated yet but have gone out to lunch and talk alot.  My son could sense in their conversations the past week that something was different and he asked her and she told him.  She says she still loves him but does not want to be exclusive anymore so he is going to date too.  The problem is he is just heartbroken and so am I.  I just don't know what to tell him to make him feel better.  It used to be that she was too clingy and he was pulling away from her.  Now that she is gone he has fallen so hard for her and can't imagine his life without her. He has been staying with me at my house even though he just bought a condo.  He does not want to be alone.  He is crying all the time and is having a hard time doing his job and just managing life in general.  What can I do to help him?  I don't know much about the dating world for 20 and 30 somethings.  Is going on line to an internet service a good way to meet someone?  I think it is important for him to try to build a new social life.  He does have a lot of friends both male and female.  I am hoping someone can fix him up.  He has not dated all that much and didn't care about breakups in the past.  Why do we hurt so badly for our children!! And what if anything can I do to keep him from going off the deep end?  He does see a counselor twice a month.  Any advice would be so greatly appreciated. I am crying all the time too and don't want to get back into my bad depression.  Please help!
Posted 9/21/2007 3:30 AM (GMT 0)

Aurora, so sorry no one has responded. I have no children myself, but remember so well when this happened to me with a breakup but my mother was there for me. Of course she told me I was young and someone else would come along and I didn't believe it or want anyone else, but I know her heart ached for me too.

I think what you are doing--just being there for him and giving him hugs and telling him how much you do ache for him will help. It sounds so trite to say that time will heal, but it does. I remember the hole in my heart and the feeling that nothing but that person could repair it and it didn't happen.

Why does it have to be so painful to love????

Posted 9/21/2007 3:48 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks so much for your reply Korissa.  I am doing my best and my son knows I am always here for him.  It is true that time does heal.  It is getting through that time that is so hard.

Posted 9/21/2007 5:53 AM (GMT 0)

Aurora,

We all hate to see our children hurt.  I don't know if it is such a good idea to try to fix him up with someone new right now.  He is probably going to have to walk through this pain and give himself a little time to heal before he starts dating again.  That's just my opinion.

Most of us have been where he is and we know how painful it can be. But we also know that when it has happened to us, there was not really anything that anyone could really do to change the situation for us.  about how you can do at this point is just love and support him.

Take care!

Carla

Posted 9/21/2007 12:19 PM (GMT 0)
Aurora

I have a soon to be 20 yr old daughter,and I have had to console her thru heartbreaks and it does break your heart that is for sure. The last thing we want to do is see our children hurting.

In my opinion all you can really do is just listen. He knows you can't make the pain go away,and you can't do anything about the relationship. He is going to be fine, just needs to grieve for awhile.

Remember your first heartbreak? It feels like someone has taken a rock and smashed your heart,and you think the tears will never stop. But they do,and then you wake up one morning and don't even think about it.

One thing I do want to say is I think you have raised a very caring and loving man. Kudos to you for that.
There are so many guys out there that just quite frankly don't care whose heart they break,and will never commit to one person.

With your question to the internet dating sites... they work for some people,and it can be fun to search and meet new people. I would not rush him yet though,he needs to get over her before he starts a new relationship. A rebound relationship can hurt all people involved.

Stay strong and keep us posted.

Shy
Posted 9/21/2007 7:24 PM (GMT 0)
It is heartbreaking to watch those that we love go through difficult situations. The truth is that the only thing you can do is validate how he feels by backing off and letting him be responsible for his feelings. This does not of course mean that you aren't there for support because he will need that but you can't fix this for him.
Posted 9/21/2007 9:51 PM (GMT 0)
Just want to thank all of you who replied to my post yesterday about my son.  He is doing better. He moved into his new condo today and he has lots of weekend plans with groups of friends.  I think that will do a lot to help him cope - knowing he has such good friends is a big help.  I was just so upset yesterday and guess I wanted instant answers which was unrealistic.  Sometimes when you hurt so bad you strike back.  As far as my son's girlfriend, she texted messaged him today and said she truly loved him and looks forward to their plans in Oct. That is well and good i guess but I told him not to let her off the hook.  He still needs to go on with his life and if she truly wants to be with him she is going to have to work hard to earn back his trust. So we will just see what happens.  I guess one of my problems is I am so attached to my sons and love them so much that I get too involved.  Being divorced for over 20 years I guess I just depend on them too much.  I do have a life of my own with friends and a social life but it is hard to be alone.

Posted 9/21/2007 10:08 PM (GMT 0)
this is my first post !  anyway, its so hard when someone breaks your heart, especially in your 20's b/c we only live in the present...i don't think we are able to see thru the immediate emotions, and realize how much life there is to live.  its such a transitional age -- as i am learning right now.  my advice to you, as mom, would to give him a little kick in the butt -- make him leave the house, help him shop for new furniture for his new pad, go and do something totally distracting.  its so easy for us to wallow, especially if we are depression-prone.  what he misses is the comfort of having someone to call his own, but it is equally as important to learn that its ok to be alone.  they say time heals all wounds for a reason, and sometimes thats all it takes.  good luck!

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