Hello

its me again and i cant sleep yet another night. i have had a problem with sleeping since i was about 10 or 11. I was touched by someone that my family trusted who used to stay at our house ocasionally. I never told anyone i was to scared (this person was 3 times the size of me, besides he was kinda slow) and i knew my dad would kill him and i couldnt risk my dad getting in trouble. Which i think this person knew. Besides he was very well trusted and i didnt think anyone besides my parents would believe me. I have never told anyone about this, i just burried it with alot of other stuff and tried to forget about it. The hardest thing for me was pretending nothing ever happened and being around this person alot. i guess now i realized i should have told someone along time ago and maybe i wouldnt feel like i do now, i think that is where my trust issues come in. i dont know why i now find it easier to sit here and type all of this out on here i guess its because its like keeping a journal, which i never did because i feared somone would find it. my parents were always active in our lives and always talked to us about everything but for some reason i could never return the favor. i am going to try to go to bed my daughter gets up early so i will be back tomorrow i really need to get all of this stuff out i feel like it is destroying me

Hi Marie
I too wanted to welcome you to the forum,we are very glad that you found us and I am sure you will find the support that you are looking for.

You have been through so much in your life,and it does sound like your mom was very overprotective of you..but being a mom I know how that can be. I can't imagine loosing a brother. It sounds like you have not dealt with the grief of that even, since you have been hiding your feelings.
The person that touched you is a very sick person. And it is hard to tell. But,at some point you have got to tell your parents. Especially if that person is still in your lives.
One thing I worry about is that person being around other small children.
believe me,I know how molestation can tear you apart. And I know how not telling because you are too scared can tear you apart.

We are here for you.

Shy

Hi there,

I am 23 in March so I am a similar age to you and can sympathise. Even though what happened with this man was a long time ago, you would probably still benifit from talking about it rather than keping it bottled up. Things like that fester away in the back of your mind and come back to haunt you decades down the line. Its better out than in, thats for sure. As for going out, I can sympathise there as well as I had a car accident in June 2006. I can ride in a car, but I am nervous sometimes. Especially when some nutter in front decides to do something stupid. As for driving, I have to wait until December this year to get my licence back due to my epilepsy and I am looking forward to having it back again, but in the same breath, I am dreading driving again. I dont know if I can do it. Im sure I have the knowledge, but I dont know if I can do it psychologically. I can completely understand what you are going through. What I would do is start by driving to the end of the street and back. Then work your way up to bigger distances... round the block, to the shop etc... Before you know it you will be driving you and your daughter to Arkansas for moose hunting season! (I live in the UK, but I think thats where moose live!   )

Please remember you are not on your own and you can talk to us any time.

Darren 

Marie

Please keep in mind that we are not doctors,but with the problems of driving ect. It sounds to me like you are having major panic attacks. That is something that can be treated.
I have to watch myself when I am driving because I too get panic attacks..not as bad as you,but I find myself doing the breathing exercise when I am going over a bridge,or in the winter when the roads are slick. Many times I have had to pull over and get a grip on myself.
Have you ever been to the doctor? Have you ever been diagnosed with depression?
Is that an option for you?

Shy

hello everyone i am so glad this week is almost over, friday my husband was on his way to work and hit a deer at 60 mph, he didnt get hurt which i am so thankful for but he totaled out the only car we have. The deer was a doe that weighed about 160 lbs so we got very luck. Then his dad came over and told me that him adn his daughter had to be tested for hepatitus b. Which really freaked me out because i have been watching her for about 3 months now. i dont know what kind of sign it is but then i paid my phonebill and the last 3 digits on the conformation # was 666. and this all happened in one day. i am feeling so stressed out right now i dont know what to do, it seems like im finally seeing light from this dark hole i dug myself into to being burried againg

Hiya,

shy has given you some great advice regarding the Hepatitis. It is not as scary as you might think and there is a mine of information on Hep forum. As for the deer, i can only imagine wat thats like... it doesnt happen very often in the UK. Are you able to replace the car?

Darren

Hello everyone, just like to say Merry Christmas first of all. I just wanted to give everyone an update. I went to the dr and was put on some meds. I have been on 3 different kinds. Right now they switched me to xanax. I thought I was finally going to get better and work through all of this stuff I kept bottled up for so long and I was doing good. Then on December 06 at around 4am the highway patrol and the coronor showed up and came to tell us that my 18 yr old sister had been killed in a car accident on her way home from a friends house. The accident happened around 1130 pm and midnight but they had a hard time notifying us because the car had caught on fire and she was trapped inside. So we had to bury another one of my siblings. My oldest brother died in an accident in our old front yard when a birdbath fell over on him and hurt his head. And now 24 yrs later my mom and dad have to go through this nightmare again. I am about to loose my mind I cant sleep I can barly concentrate on anything anymore or sit still for any amount of time at all. Everything is just crazy. My dad had life insurance this time so we thought we had everything taken care of but we were wrong. My mom and d ad just recently had to file bankruptcy because a couple years ago my 20 yr old sister had totaled out their car and we had full coverage insurance and they only paid a portion of the car off and then sold the car to the junkyard without my parents consent. So in order to get them to quit harrassing them they filed bankruptcy. Well anyway a couple of days ago they got a letter and now when the insurance money gets released to them before they pay for anything they have to turn it over to their bankruptcy lawyer and then they will take it and pay off anything they filed on and if their is anything left then in 6 to 12 months they will write them another check. Its like they think we planned for all of this to happen and we knew they were going to get some money and just wanted to get out of paying their bills. Which is not the case none of us have any money, we never have. My mom has panic disorder, chronic manic depression and somthing else she has had since my brother died. Thats why we all live in the same yard. We are a very close family and do everything together we always have. My dad traded moms minivan off for a bigger older model doublewide that way he could give each of the kids their own room. The furnace only works on one side so they heat the rest with a wood stove and electric heaters. He used to sell his truck everyyear around christmas time just to make sure we always had a nice christmas. They used to let kids whose parents were seperated come and stay with us and treat them the same as they treated us which was fine with all of us because we know they love us and we wanted to share that love with others. My sister was the type of person who was always smiling she never met a stranger and I have not heard one person to say they didnt like her. She had a loving giving spirt and when she smiled she lit up the room. During the holidays our church helps familys in need with food baskets, last year my sister took 2 of her checks and only took out enough to get back and forth to work and then donated the rest to help families in need. She was always sharing her things and giving things away she was very loyal to her family and her friends she stood up for what she believed in. We are really going to miss her. I guess the hardest part was because of the fire we had to have her funeral with a closed casket so it was really hard for me to deal with it because she always prided herself in the way she looked and she was very beautiful. I dont know what i am going to do i know that with it being the holidays it is very hard, my brother died around Easter and now my sister right before Christmas so I dont know what we are going to do. We let the younger kids open their presents last week and we are only cooking dinner because everything was already out. Well I need to quit typing for now my baby woke up and I need to try to get her back to sleep.

I was just wondering they put me on xanax the day that my sister died because the paxil wasnt working and now im get really angry and aggervated for no reason, is this normal or should i go back to the dr and have them change my meds? I am under alot of stress right now I am dealing with alot. I just finally unburried all of the feelings that I kept inside from the past and then my sister died and its getting tough to handle, I dont know what I am doing anymore, one min I am happy and then for no reason i get mad and aggervated and go off on people not meaning to. I have done this b4 but it was b4 i started taking anything when all of the other stuff was going on in the past, i kinda feel like a teenager with my hormones raging again and i dont like it. thanks in advance this site has really hekped because i never really could talk to anyone about all of this stuff and there is noone to talk to here cause we are all greving right now and i dont want to upset anyone more. but im starting to worry myself.