HealingWell
Search Close Search
☰

My son...I am a horrible mom!

Support Forums
>
Depression
✚ New Topic ✚ Reply
❬ ❬ Previous Thread |Next Thread ❭ ❭
Posted 10/24/2007 12:08 PM (GMT 0)
I am going to have a nervous breakdown before this is all over I think....
First for those that do not know. My X husband has full custody of my son. I had to move 2 hours away from my X due to mental and physical abuse even after we were divorced.

My son called me on Sunday,they had a huge blowout at their house and his step mom freaked out and took her girls and left.
I guess it was pretty bad.
I did not tell my son what he wanted to hear,I told him that he is 17 and my daughter will be 20 and they need to grow up and stop fighting and that I do not blame his step mom because her little ones do not need to be around that.
My son stopped taking his med in July...no one would give me a straight answer on that,I knew something was not right but he did not want to tell me. He claims the med does not work.
Now his dad is calling me and is telling me that my son is out of hand and that they have to do something because none of them can live like that.
I am so frustrated because my daughter is saying things like "your son wants to control everyone,your son won't let the argument stop and he will follow you from room to room and beat on the door if you try to lock yourself away ect ect.
I told her that is what his dad did for 13 years!!! I don't understand why she does not see it.
I told his dad last night that I know what my son is capable of because I lived it. That is why he can't live with me. I told his dad that I asked for his help several times and all I heard was "it's not my fault that you can't handle your son".
He just basically ignored me. He made this monster,and now he can't accept it.
Bottom line is this, they made an appointment to start counseling again next Wednesday. His counselor does not think it is because he is not taking his med because he is getting straight A's in school and if it was the med he would be having problems at school and at work,which he is not.
He is a very angry and controlling kid,so he has to go to counseling and try to act right or he has to move out. The X called my brother last night to see if that was a possibility to live with him,I am still waiting on an answer for that.
I am waiting to find out what is going to happen. If he goes to my brother's I am calling child support and getting that sent to my brother..the X claims that he will write a check to my brother every month for the child support,but I don't trust him at all.

My b/f keeps saying that this is not my problem...he doesn't get it at all.
I can't have my son live with me,no matter where I am. That makes me feel horrible. But at some point I have to know my limits. I have been med free now for 2 years and I refuse to go back to where I was before.
I am 120lbs,he is almost 300 and when that kid decides I am in his line of rage,I really can't do anything.
If he starts again at the house the counselor told them to call the police. Since he has a record,he will go straight to Meyer Hall. That scares me to death.
When we lived together he took a baseball bat to me, I had no choice but call the police who took him. That was after the police being there several times with him going after me,I was always afraid to let them take him,but I did not have any choice that time.
I have been trying to get a hold of him all night,and now this morning but no one answers the phone. I just need to hear his voice,know he is ok and hoping that he has decided to make the right decision.
All they are asking him is to go to counseling and act like a human being simple as that.

We are going there on Saturday,maybe Friday night if I don't get an answer from someone before that. I can't sleep,I am ready to explode!

Thanks for letting me vent...
Posted 10/24/2007 2:10 PM (GMT 0)

Im so sorry that this has gone so wrong for you shy. You have been through so much in your life and if anyone deserves a smooth ride its you. If yuou have to call the police, then you have to. With a weight difference like that, it is not worth putting yourself at risk. I think your son needs professional help, but unless he wants to go I dont think he is going to be persuaded. Sometimes it is better to distance yourself dfrom the problem and let him hit bottom than to try and fix something that is dead against you. I can only imagine how hard it is as a parent (Bearing in mind i dont have kids) but know that we are all here for you.

Darren

Posted 10/24/2007 5:33 PM (GMT 0)
It is hard Darren..in fact it sucks
My son decided to write a letter to his dad,and told him how much he hated his step mom,how he was going to break her down ect ect. So,now she is saying that if he is there she is not coming home.
Son has to move out of dad's today.
He won't listen to me,I told him to say he was sorry that he has to fix this but he wont.

I talked to both his school counselor and his regular counselor, regular counselor is telling me that due to my son's past history that he is not allowed to live with me because of his violence towards me.
You would think that would be a wake up call but it is not.
I am hoping my brother will let him stay with him for a couple of weeks,but I don't want to add more pressure to my brother. He is only 17!! he will 18 in June,but he doesn't care.
I am at work and can't think straight,I just need to take some sick time and go home. But there is nothing I can do there even.
I am waiting on them to call me back. X took the rest of the day off of work to go home and deal with our son,but I know them both and it is just going to be a fight. There is no talking to either one of them when they are like this.
I hate this!!!
Posted 10/24/2007 7:20 PM (GMT 0)
May I play Devils Advocate? My parents divorced when I was 7. My dad raised us and this was a good thing cuz my mom is an alcoholic and has depression/anxiety. I know how hard it is to have a step-mom. I gained mine when I moved to a new school in which I hated...ppl teased me, ect ,ect, I tried to commit suicide, my step mom was a dry drunk then went into treatment for alcoholism and I use to call her Tilla the Hun cuz she was a perfectionist where everything HAD to be perfect and when I dusted she would do the white glove test. Sometimes to this day she doesn't realize why I am sooooooo insane but that is cuz she has been in AA for almost 25 yrs. I am where she was then only more insane. I had two step-brothers too. We would fight and then report back to our own parents and get them to take sides. What a dysfunction then...we put the FUN in dysfunction...uff'da! Anyway, life is hard being divorced and not having custody of children but remember, they didn't ask for this either. Sorry if I sound like I am taking sides. Just pick up clues from your sonw/ depression ect. and keep going to counseling. I have spent almost half of my life w/ depression but am dealing w/ it now cuz I have kids and For them. To MAKE me a better mom. TC. Kota

"God grant me the serenity, to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference."
***********************************
Depression
Epilepsy
Anxiety
RLS
peri-menopause
chronic fatigue
Fibromyalgia
Neutropenia
Factor V Leiden Mutation
Posted 10/24/2007 7:58 PM (GMT 0)
Shy

YOU are not a HORRID mom
Like you posted you know you cannot have him there you have tried so many times and it has not worked and yes what if in a rage he hurts you ??

Stick to your guns and let ex know how you felt when you NEVER had his support thru all you went thru ........

I would also hope the uncle will take him in and yes get the support sent there ........

YOU do need to take some down time n just worry about you and nothing else

WE know you love him and we also know you are a great MOM so just let this fall into place and dont let it get to you more than it is already.........your B/F I wish he would understand and support you sis you so need it right now for sure......remember we are here for you this time k .....you need us for a change .......LET us help and care and support you thru this Hades

Luvs ya
SIS

Am here if you need to talk.........
Posted 10/25/2007 2:07 AM (GMT 0)
Hello Shy,

Let me start by saying that you are not a horrible mother, not even close. Everyone makes mistakes.

As a teenager, I know how stressful adolescence can be,. For your son being 17, I can only imagine the stress on him; college, highschool, and not to mention his condition. My mother went through this with my aunt, who's BP and has some sort of Panic Disorder (I think) They were always very close, until she stopped taking her medication. The things she went through with her would take hours to explain. But I would have to agree with Darren; Sometimes letting them hit rock bottom is the best thing you can do.

But don't be so hard on yourself, this is not your fault. I can tell by the way you talk to me, a kid, that you are a good mother, who cares for her children more than words can explain. You will get through this; You have alot of people behind you.

Ciddy
Posted 10/25/2007 3:13 AM (GMT 0)

Shy

You are not and never could be a horrible Mother.  You are a Mother that was handed a huge burden and you have dealt with it to the best of your ability.  You cannot change other people and your X is always going to be the way he is.

He has custody of your son and it looks like things are not working so he needs to set up a plan, you cannot ride in on a big white horse and save this situation as bad as you want to.

The last thing you need is to end up back where you were.  You have worked hard to come this far, so now it is time to stay in the moment and know that some how, some way this will get solved.  I know you are a caring and loving Mom and this is heart breaking for you but sweetie, put yourself first. 

Living in constant chaos is a stressor that will wear you down.  You have so much potential for happiness, look for that brass ring and grab it.  Tell you ex-husband to take a deep breath and deal with your son.  He is his son too and the apple did not fall far from the tree so he best remember your safety is at risk here.

Many hugs and I am sorry you are hurting so bad.

Count on us, we are here and we are your safety net.

Luvs ya kiddo,

Kitt

Posted 10/25/2007 4:29 AM (GMT 0)

Shy,

I hadn't heard you mention anything about him in a week or so and I was hoping things had gotten better.  You know you are not a horrible mom, so please stop that negative thinking.  Things are just out of control, but it's not your fault.

Your son is bipolar and he hasn't be taking his medication for some time.  As far as his father thinking that he is taking his medication because because his grades are good, aren't a lot of bipolar patients very creative when they are off their medication?

You have done everything you can do for your son.  Your ex has custody, he is the responsible parent.  I know this is much easier said than done, but I think you do need to take some time off for yourself.  I think you need to pray a lot for your son and ask others to pray for him.  You know we are praying for both of you, rely on us.  I strongly recommend that you go to some Al-Anon meetings.  I know your son is not an alcoholic, but these meetings would help you so much.  Most areas even have meetings for parents.  Regardless, I think Al-Anon meetings would help you.  Go every day if you have to.  Find a meeting tomorrow, not an AA meeting, but Al-Anon.

Shy, when my oldest daughter was in high school, we did an intervention for alcohol and put her in treatment.  Before we totally figured out what for sure what was going on and what we needed to do, I was going out of my mind, thinking I was going to lose her. We did the intervention when she was 17 while we still could. It took a second trip back to treatment at her request when she was 19, but now she is a very successful young lady with a beautiful little girl.

I feel your pain.

Love and prayers,

Carla

Posted 10/25/2007 10:22 AM (GMT 0)

I too dont believe for one minute that you are a horrible mother. You have done far more than most would manage already. You obviously care and want to help your son and thats nothing to be ashamed of... neither is running out of ideas. Teenagers are difficult at the best of times... I should know, my sister is one! lol Taking time out for yourself is a great idea. A weekend in the mountains, by the lake, on the dirt-track etc... (depending on what you like I suppose!) Just give us the nod and we will cover the forum so dont worry about that... there are plenty of volunteers im sure!

Darren

Posted 10/25/2007 12:07 PM (GMT 0)
Hi everyone

Thank you all for your kinds words,advice and sympathy...many of those words hit home,and I needed that. Support is not there for me anywhere else but here!

After all day of dealing with my son and the X,calling upteen million times.each in a rage and making so many threats. I finally told my son to go to bed for awhile until he calmed down.
Then I called X and told him that he needed to take a deep breath and deal with our son as a parent. And to remember he is only 17 and has medical issues and that he needs to remember where our son learned how to do the things that are causing problems.
I asked X if he would like me to remind him? He said no..he didn't need that (of course)

My son is at my brother's house for a few days,until the counseling starts.
Brother has no problem with that,as my son respects him alot,and loves to be with him.
I am waiting to see if the "couple of days" turns into longer. If it does I am going to make sure that the child support that I pay is sent to my brother not X. I wonder if he thought about that? Probably not.


I see my son on Saturday,and will be spending the whole weekend with him.
He is safe,and was way to tired last night to talk more. So,I am going to let him be as far as finding out what he wants to do from here for right now.
I told him that in order for us to heal,he has to make the right decisions and we have to know he is safe.

It just kills me to think of my baby in so much pain,I want his world to be perfect..but I should have picked a different dad for that.

Sorry for the long post.

Shy
✚ New Topic ✚ Reply