Okay so I really am starting to hate my life, actually its nothing new. But im really depressed right now and for the past week or so. Last night I let out some frustration and broke my cell phone in half, that was smart! Felt good though...lol
So I get depressed about alot of things, I basically compare myself to others and determine that Im a loser. I feel okay when im by myself but going out in public, especially fun places like bars or clubs really sets me off. I cant stand being around happy sucsessful, confident people, I am none of those and I hate being reminded of it.
I feel worthless, I havent had a real girlfreind in about 10 years now, only a few flings that last a week or so. Im 27 and have only had a few sexual experiances, all of which have been huge let downs. I have serious performance anxiety and as soon as a girl realizes that, they leave. Which only adds to the anxiety the next time. Im assuming there wont be a next time. Im actually a really nice fun guy, so attracting girls is not that bad, just keeping them is impossible, I should just lye and say im a virgin, but even then, most would hit the road...lol
This year Ive also developed Panic Disorder, which just further confirms that fact that im not like everyone else. But ive been dealing with it pretty well.
But im in a hole... I feel so misreble and depressed to even get myself out. Ive tryed reaching out to my best freinds, but they seem weirded out. Like they dont really get whats bothering me. Its almost impossible now for me to have a good attitude about things. They try taking me out to "let go" and have fun. But I cant even do that, I CANNOT LET GO. I would LOVE TO!!! But I just think more and more about what a failure I am and down the spiral I go.
I dont know what to do. I dont have insurance right now to see a counselor, but I will starting in feburary. But in the mean time, I just want to be a differant person. I want to be normal.
Thanks for listening, most people wont.