Spouse of a diabetic and feeling frustrated....

I hope no one thinks I am a horrible person when I get through saying all this, but I am at my wits end. 

I have been married to a type I diabetic for 3 years now and he is the love of my life.  He was diagnosed when he was 7 years old, and is now 29.  He has had 3 retinal re-attachment surgeries in the past 2 years, was completely blind for 6 weeks while healing, and was told to get his diabetes in control.  I have been supportive, working 2 jobs while he was out of work for his surgeries and blindness to make ends meet.

Now, I am pregnant with our first baby, due in a week, on bed rest because my blood pressure is so high, and he can't even help himself.  It seems like every weekend I am having to take care of him.  He is always dropping low.  I can recognize the signs and try to politely remind him to go get some cereal or juice, and he gets upset with me, or worse, verbally abusive. 

How is he going to be there for me and our daughter if he can't even take care of himself?  I feel like I will never be able to leave her alone with him.  He has a 7 year old son who understands Daddy's diabetic and knows what to do in an emergency, but a newborn can't. 

He's always talking about how he wants to be a police officer, and he's working on getting into shape, and getting an insulin pump. However, I feel like it's all talk, and nothing behind it.  I was the one who finally got him into an endo 4 years ago. 

I want to be supportive.  Both my parents had type II, so I'm not new to the ups and downs of this disease.  I know it's not easy on him, but I feel like I can't handle taking care of myself, a newborn, and him because he can't or won't take care of himself.

Does anyone have any advice?  I love him so much, but I feel so angry at him right now and I feel like all I ever get from him are excuses and apologies later.  I can't do this and do right by my daughter. 

Don't mean to stir the pot but it sounds to me like he has maybe been "taken care of" for most of his life. 22 yrs as a type1, he should have learned something. You may want to speak to the mother of his son and find out how she coped when she had a baby and he was having lows. I wouldn't be telling him to get some juice, I'd be telling him to check his sugar! Can't argue with someone asking you to check your sugar.

If he's having lows then he isn't eating or medicating correctly. And if he is blind, who is giving him his insulin? And, he should know how to eat with his insulin so if he's not doing it... well he's waiting for someone to do it for him. I'm going to pray for you because I can't think what you can do... You need some friends, your mom, a sister, someone to help you manage. Maybe his mom is the one who needs to come and take care of him so you can take care of the baby. She knows him better than anyone.

daykin, his mood swings may or may not be related to his blood sugar.  It's true that sometimes very high or very low blood sugar may cause a change in personality but there might be something else going on.  If you cannot have a 'reasonable' talk with him about these problems and how they are upsetting the family, then try to talk to his doctor.  Your husband might need a different kind of therapy or medication other than for diabetes.  Good luck.

He is a type 1 and also a major factor in this is that he works 3rd shift. I know he is tired, your body is just confused and then to add diabetes to it just adds another straw to the camels back. We are working on getting a pump as I mentioned earlier, hopefully this will get his bloodsugars more even. I wish that they would put him on a depression medication, but they have not (not sure why as it has been mentioned). Thanks for all of your thoughts and concerns. We will just hold on for the ride and grit our teeth!

Hi daykin and welcome to the family!

I am also married to a Type 1. We will be married 34 yrs later this summer. He has been a diabetic for almost 28 yrs, originally dx a Type 2.  A yr later when he almost died, the drs discovered he was a Type 1.

He also worked the 3rd shift for most of our married life. That does throw off the whole flow in your body. Especially, if he switches to a 'regular' schedule on his days off.   1 1/2 yr ago, he almost died from a massive low sugar and as we now believe, a heart attack. Shortly after that he went on the insulin pump.

Most times my DH is a very laid back guy, very easy going. When his sugar is 'off', he gets very confused, digs his heels in. Stubborn pain in the *** comes to mind.        He had a tough time trying to get all the details of using the pump. His dr and the trainer were/are very patient w/ him and very supportive of me.

We go w/ each other for dr appts. I would prepare the papers to present to the drs, so all information was there. (List of meds, doses, allergies, all drs, and specific questions for this visit) My DH keeps his records of all his readings. The regular times the dr wants, and all the times when he goes low or high. He also keeps a record of anything out of the ordinary, if he gets sick, etc. My suggestion, dr encouraged.

I went basically to keep track of what the dr said, I would write the notes on my copy of the report. My DH didn't want to 'bother' the dr w/ somethings. Finally, I said, 'I'm talking to the dr.' DH didn't always remember how something was to be done. He 'Remembered' the instructions differently from how they were given. My DH was told the right way to do each step, again. I wrote down everything.

The past couple of yrs have been very difficult, I well understand - hold on tight and grit your teeth. Oh Yeah!

Do you go w/ him for his dr appts, would he accept your going w/ him? If not, I would suggest you speak w/ his dr. by phone. If you go for the visit, write down everything you notice, what is happening at the time. Hopefully, this will help to get him on track and your family life a bit more settled. My prayers are w/ you.

God bless.  Alice.

My insulin pump changed my life!!!

I know that everyone has a different experiences - amazing, liberating, life changing freedom was mine.

For the first 23 years with diabetes I was pretty difficult to those who tried to help me with my condition. Aside from the impact the condition has on your mood from sugar fluctuation, I was also angry - very angry. I didn't take very good care of myself because I figured diabetes was going to kill me anyways, I might as well enjoy life. Nice attitude I know, but it really made sense to me at the time. In addition to the pump I did see a therapist to help me come to terms with my diabetes. I was diagnosed when i was 8 and had to endure the teen years with diabetes. It wasn't until I was in my mid to late twenties that I really had the maturity to start coping.

The reason why I was so resentful to those who tried to help me was because they always expected me to adjust my lifestyle to my diabetes. I wanted my diabetes to adjust to me. I was young, a student and paid my bills by working as a waitress. I wanted to party, stay out late, eat what i wanted, work the busy shifts etc.

Although there is a lot to learn when switching to the pump, it gave me so much more freedom in my life style. I could waitress the long shifts with no breaks because I had a basal dose insulin constantly running. I didn't have to worry about my insulin wearing off mid-shift and feeling sick because my sugar spiked. I had insulin programmed to meet my specific need during the night, so no more highs in the morning making it difficult to get out of bed.

Also when I go out with friend I have more flexibility in what I can eat. I just tell the pump the carbs I am eating and it suggests a dose based on how I have programmed it. I test 2 hours after eating and the pump will suggest a corrective dose if i have miscalculated the restaurant food. It takes into consideration the active insulin, so there is minimal risk of stacking and lows.

You aren't awful for having concerns about the people you love. And you certainly aren't awful for not wanting to endure abusive behavior. What I needed was to feel a sense success. That came to me through the pump. I never could get the needles to work very well for me, even when i was on 4-5 needles a day. It just didn't suit my lifestyle and I was resentful about having to change my life for this stupid condition that I did nothing to deserve.

Ultimately your spouse has to want to change. If they want to there are resources. If they don't want to change that is a larger challenge...With that said, you need to do what is best for you and your children. Only you know what that is. By talking to people and hearing/reading yourself it will help you sort out what you are feeling.

I'm really sorry for you in this situation.  I can only imagine the frustration!  Would he have the same blase attitude if one of your children had diabetes?  Could your child just stop treatment like that?  What about if you were the diabetic?  Would he be ok if you decided you didn't want to follow any kind of diet or take diabetes med?

If no amount of talking, arguing, convincing works, read him the riot act.  Uncontrolled blood sugar will eventually kill him.  The heart, eyes, kidneys, liver, circulation, nerves can all be damaged.  Uncontrolled blood sugar over time can lead to blindness and amputations.  All because he doesn't want to take meds or eat better?

Then, tell him to draw up a will. 

You know, I was mad when I wrote all that!  And frustrated.  What can you do when the other person is that stubborn?  Will he listen to a doctor?  Does he really understand the complications that can hurt him?  And, yes, what if the situation were reversed?  And after all that, he still won't see the 'light'?  I don't know.  A family intervention?  A doctor intervention?  I suppose you could call it tough love but tell him to make sure his insurance policy is paid up and tell him to pick out his plot! 

Fishingirl, I really think the only thing you can do is let him work it out. He has all the facts he needs to make a good decision, but just can't admit to himself that he isn't invulnerable. I know a bit about that, it isn't easy to face the fact that you'll never again be what you've always considered "normal." Not keeping foods that aren't on his diet is a good start, as is cooking meals within his plan. It's really the only help you can give when he won't accept any other help from you.

You might tell him you won't be able to afford some treat - eating out, vacation, whatever - because you're spending the money on a huge life insurance policy on him. My brother-in-law followed the same course your husband is on and died of a massive heart attack at 50. Would your husband really like to leave you and your family to fend for yourselves?

Good luck to both of you, and I hope he resolves it before there are serious complications.

I understand about denial.  I was in denial when my doctor first ordered a blood sugar meter for me and had me take a GTT.  You're right that he has to come around by himself and realize this is a condition he must face.  Yeah, no one wants to face a health-related problem but at least this can be managed and pretty much controlled with some lifestyle change along with meds if needed.  We eat fairly healthy food in our house but I don't eat any rice, potatoes, pasta or bread.  I do eat most kinds of meat, lots of vegetables (but no potatoes, carrots or other root vegetables).  You can peel zucchini into strips and saute them and they can be a substitute for noodles.  Boiled and mashed cauliflower can sub for mashed potatoes.  So there are lots of ways to get around the food issue.  Check out the stickies at the top of our forum for some food suggestions.  Ask him to read some of our threads here and come and asked questions if he wants.  We promise not to bite!  

Thank you all for the good ideas. Jim1969, that is an idea I never would have thought of to put a loaded syringe on his plate. One of the many reasons I am asking him to go to the doctor is that the insulin that he does have is all expired so even if he did decide to take it, it is probably not any good anymore so I will have to call the doctor to get a new prescription. Since the verbal stuff sure isn't working, maybe the non-verbal will.

WillC, you have a good point. Note, however, that this wife indicates her husband really isn't doing anything to help himself. Also remember that we're all diabetic also, so we know the balancing act that is required.

Congrats on 30 years. My hubby and I have 44 years in, and we have to accommodate a number of health situations. It's not fun and it's not easy, but I guess what doesn't kill us really does make us stronger, eh?

I just stumbled onto this thread from a general internet search for "spouses of diabetics." I am so glad to have found all of you. It's so good to hear replies from people who have diabetes and also to have a place to voice concerns and frustrations as a non-diabetic spouse. I vent most of the time to my four adult children and that isn't fair to their dad, but I need someone to talk to about the craziness of this disease or I'm going to explode! Our story is similar to many of yours. We've been married for 37 years by the grace of God. I've told him (when I'm really mad) that if he were merely alcoholic I would have been gone a long time ago and no one would think less of me, but since he's diabetic....I would be the horrible person abandoning him. He was diagnosed at 35 (and I think he probably had symptoms at 25). He was in denial for 15 years....piddled around with pills, diet...never exercised. Started insulin 13 years ago. Had a silent heart attack. end stage kidney failure, kidney transplant, one toe amputated, osteomyelitis surgery on the other foot, PAD, leukemia from transplant drugs and cataract surgeries. I've been very involved in all this medical drama and supportive through each procedure. What is really getting to me is the way he acts at home.... I don't know how much more I can take of the mood swings, apathy, lying and just watching him waiting to die. It's really depressing ....BUT, if I can manage to blast him from his chair and we go somewhere, he is the life of the party. Funny, friendly, cheerful. He's driving me crazy. Sometimes I think he is trying to MAKE me leave (which I offered to do, if that would make his life easier.) He goes to the doctor regularly---he really likes to go to any kind of medical facility. When I've insisted to medical personnel that he is depressed, he is assessed and "Mr. Happy Guy" always passes the test with flying colors.

Has anyone else experienced this Jekyll/Hyde type thing?