fear of my own epilepsy

Hi everyone,

my name is gemma and i suffer with grandmal fits <chronical> and petit mal wich is where u stare into space for a few secconds.
i was diagnosed with epilepsy at 7 yrs old in the first year of my secondary school or high school as u say in america as i am in england :)

anyway i am 28 now and from the age of 7yrs old i have been bullied over the epilepsy, i never lived a teenage life and i went through some nasty stuff i was rapped by 3 boys hard to believe i know but its true and then one time my mum left my dad and went with my step dad it took me forever to call him dad as my brother always called him dad....he was the best dad ever tho hehe
anyway theirs only me and my brother and my brother always said yes when our stepdad sent us to his mums house to look after us of course i said no cos i didnt wanna go down that route....i was very much a daddys girl b4 my real dad left us, anyway one night i asked if i could stay the night at nannas cos we was there and it was late anyway....but the problem was only her boyfriend was there and at the time i was 11 and didnt understand that anything would happen again.!

anyway mum said yeh so i went straight to bed and my nans boyfriend came upstairs and put a film on tv for me to watch and sat next to me on the bed only to start fidleing with me! was about 3am when i cried my eyes out and made an excuse up that i missed home.
my mum didnt even believe me! but guess wot as soon as i told my real dad what this man had done we was at the police station straight away!

i am forgetting why i am actually here lol,

i have a very big fear of my epilepsy and i was bullied from the age of 7yrs for it even because of what ive just told u the police said we had to move so we moved 2hrs away from my home town....i went to a new school and everything was perfect until i had a fit in school i was put on loads of tablets even keppra and found out im allergic to that i cant even remember what else i have been on tho anyway after moveing to my new home and fitting every day even when i was in school i was daydreaming only wetting myself along with it it just got worse... so from the age of 13 to 17 i was constantly fitting and thats why i tell my friends these days that i was asleep for 5 yrs or kind of whenever i went out i didnt even know where i was going to half the time and if i was comeing home i didnt know the way home...so if i made it to where i was going and made it home again my mum would give me a £5 note and trust me even if i tried to fake it she would know as she had a call from my teacher every day!! most of the time i wouldnt go to school because on the way id wet myself!!.
anyway when i was 20 i got pregnant and because i had so many fits the doctor said i had to have an abortion...of course i argued over it and had a few fits but hardly any wich was wierd!! and cool anyway i had a baby girl and i was so upset on thinkin of how i can cope with her and what had happend in the past i had tried to kill myself 3 times!!! social services got involved b3 thast started tho and wanted to take my baby girl away due to my epilepsy being un controled!! they even offerd me the VNS inplant and that id only be offerd it the once....but at that time i said no to everything !!! after being in the hospital i was living with my mum and she was helping me look after my girl jessica so whenever i had a fit or felt like one id go to my room.

about 2 months later i moved into a house across the road with my brother and my baby and one day he had his girlfriend round and were doing things upstairs!!! i did however warn him that i was going to have a fit and that he should l;ook after jessica!! he said if he heard anything he wouyld come get her..i did try to tell him to come get her now but the words didnt come out so i pushed jess away from me as far as i could but so that i could reach her but i would have to move a bit to get to her!!! i then had a fit and when i woke up.. OMG the baby had a black eye!! i then went to hospital and had another breakdown and this time some doctor offerd me a place in a mental home called park house if anyone knows it its in england somewhere!! anyway they offerd me the place and i just there and then offerd to take all my tablets..!!! i threatend social services that if they took my daughter away from me id go mad and id die right now...but then my wunderfull mother came and told the social worker that she would take over untill i was well enuff to look after jessica again!!! so i agreed and she is now living with my mum!! just b4 i went to hospital tho i met some guy while i was going out with his friend!! i didnt cheat on my boyfriend with him he was just a funny guy and u could always laff at him he even tried to get me to kiss him so many times and i said no every single time...that was in 2003 but in 2004 just after i had jess i met him again outside the local shop he said hed been lookin for me for ages and didnt know where i lived!! so he kept on goin to the local shop where i met his friend because his other friend now had a job there and told him i was still in that area hehe.

anyway i started going out with this guy and helped me out alot!! maybe thats why my fits calmed down because i stopped daydreaming and only fitted once in a while!! but this is another thing that got me!! my next door neighbour was an old woman and every day i got up and went to her and made her breakfast and cups of tea and stayed with her then came back at dinner made her dinner....was so nice!!! she even had a son who she kept hinting to me that he didnt have a girlfriend....and then one day he was sapposed to come meet me!!! so i got up did the same for the woman made her breakfast and sat with her and waited for her son to come but while i was waiting i had a fit! i didnt know as i woke up in my house...aparantly her son took me back into my house and the next day she told me not to go round to hers again....ever!! she even told me not to speak to her when i saw her in her garden!! so after all that i developed agraphobia! i did understand her completely as she was 80yrs old and i must of scared her but it was hardly my fault...and i cried for days on end after that!!! anyway jessica then went to my mums and i ended up seeing the guy i met at the shop i was talking about b4 he helped out loads and whenever i had jessica he offerd for me to come stay at his weather i had her or not! he was so nice....i then moved in with him after a while and got pregnant with sonya my 2nd kid but as soon as he found out he told me to leave so i got my stuff and left!!! i ended up being homeless for a year after that and for some reason just because i wanted someone to talk to and to be around i ended up going out with a woman even tho we never did anything i didnt want to and i later found out she was doing the same for me...... she was on heroin and was useing me for my money! not that i cared! anyway i then split with her and got with some guy and as usual he cheated on me! only his friend was homeless too and he decided to take me to a homeless hotell he was really nice to me untill 1 night i decided to make a move on him...he went out to get us some money i went in the bathroom to have a wee.. and next thing i know im in the hospital with nothing on and a tube down my throat listening to someone getting resusitated!! it was so awfull....i phoned my nan every day weather she liked it or not and my mum...but guess wot i didnt know either of their names OR their phone numbers or that i was even pregnant.....all i was shouting for was manny that man i met outside my local shop i didnt even know his adress i was just comeing up with parts of it..!! i even pulled the tube out my throat cos i couldnt breathe!! i had loads more fits...and thats when i had sonya!! only when i had her i was walking up and down the ward talking to myself bein very silly!! anyway social came and took her away and had her adopted even tho i said b4 hand that if she stays with me for more than 2 days i want to keep her and if she goes when she is born then i dont want her...but it was for her safty as i had nowhere and cos of my fits!! as they then took her away manny came down the hallway and i told him to go run after them and bring sonya back...he tried to get her but he couldnt even see her!!

anyway she was adopted and as i tell people that story these days they believe it wasnt due to my epilepsy as i have proof that it was due to my epilepsy and aparantly manny being on drugs when he didnt even smoke...manny offerd me to move in with him and i said yes straight away after a long chat in the hospital room we bothe sobbed our eyes out cos i even told him i couldnt have sex with him ever and it wasnt his fault!! anyway after that chat we went outside and i had a fag!! only for him to be asking me to marry him!! i said yes straight away to that as well as it was so cute!!

after that i came to his house when i was discharged and everything went ok... and weather u believe it or not i had stopped my petit daydreaming!! i also didnt have a fit for a long while!! manny took me shopping in town and baught me all my clothes and what i needed to make a new start for my life!!!! i wasnt depressed i wasnt how i was all them years ago nothing was wrong it was like i didnt have epilepsy and everything had just vanished!!
early 2006 we met this couple who lived underneath us as we were in a flat at the time!! and every day we would go see them and chill out!! but one day i was braiding mannys hair as he is black and the girl that lived down stairs offerd to help..so we went down their and did mannys hair... straight after manny went in the bathroom to see his results!!! was a bit of a while so i went in and asked him what he thaught only to find him and this girl snoggin the face off each other!! i told her boyfriend but he was so drunk he didnt believe me.. i cant even remember what i did and i couldnt leave him because i had no choice but to stay...i had nowhere to go and as i had some time to spend with sonya while she was with her carer i couldnt leave as the court were decideing weather sonya was to come home to us or be adopted!! anyway she was adopted a month later....and manny was still going downstairs to see this girl...one day he told me to stop following him and that he can do what he wants and go where ever he wants.... but can he go down to her flat without me if he is there doing things with her?!?! thats when i started havin fits again....that girl even kidnapped me once by useing mannys car to do something and he said yes aslong as i go with her...she was driving so fast down the roads...the petrol even ran out..it was lucky that i found mannys friend and told her to stop so i could borrow a £5 off him then i ran to him cos she wouldnt let me out at first!!! anyway i ran to him and told him and he soon sorted her out!! manny and this girl in 2006 were even bullying me over stupid stuff and he said he wasnt gunna marry me even tho i was glad at the time!! but then after that or a few months later we agreed to try again as things were getting better he didnt see that girl anymore...or so i thaught! so in 2007 i had a baby boy george and we got married on 29thdecember 2007 alot of things have been going on since tho and i would love to tell u them but i explained all that because it is 2012 now and in the past 3 weeks...since my girls birthday...i gave birth to 5 babies in total and now have 4 jess 8yrs george 4yrs faye <faith> 3 and ben 1 nearly 2 anyway the fits i had in 2005 i had in may... i woke up in hospital i didnt know anyone i didnt even know that i had kids!!! and i was so shocked.... and now since 2005 i suffer from amnesia...agraphobia epilepsy anxiety attacand a few other things yet to be diagnosed.....and because of my wunderfull story that is why i have a fear of my own epilepsy!!! and i really hate it so if there is anyone out there who can help or have any ideas....i would love it so much as i am still with manny and i will never leave him now..... their is something their and i dont know what it is but since i have been with him i have only had a few fits and that is litrely a few times in a year!!! when i used to have them every day....i still dont take my tablets or since 3 weeks ago when i had the biggest scare!! im back on epilim 500 twice daily and calobazam once at night!! and he has seen me have the worst fists ever!!! till this day he is still by my side and has not left me.. and every day i will love that man no matter what he does..but as i am getting stronger we do argue sometimes anyway please send your replies as i would love the advice so much as people round here in real life cant help me at all!!!

hi,

i used my bro and his friends too when i was young,

and as for the police.....they moved me because when i was bullied for a long time the ones who bullied me where kids too and the ones who raped me part from my stepdad's mums boyfriend!! were all kids so they moved us away from them as the police thaught i was comeing on with a mental illness and they thaught that i got the wrong idea about things!!! when i didnt!!! so they they decided to move us to somewhere where we could all start again.

it did work for a while even tho i am married now with 3kids at home and the other 2 away from me...i still dont have any friends as my husband and i had an argument and he told me to not speak to any of his friends. I have 3 kids in my house and i am going to die anytime who knows but theirs more of a chance in people with epilepsy obviously anyway i havnt even had a night out since last yr!!! when all i wanna go do is have some fresh air!! as i am stuck in this place 24/7 and the only time i go out is when i do the weekly shop and people think im mad cos i spend all day doing it hehe the rest of the time im picking kids up from skool or taking them in taxi!! ................i dunno wot else to say atm only cos the husband has gone out on his own as he does every weekend and im tryin to phone him lol <typical wife> thanks for the reply tho and god forbid u have a phasectamy lol ive already been sterolised due to my epilepsy as im not aloud to have anymore kids....i died having my 5th kid aparantly i didnt even see him for 2 days!!!