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Posted 8/22/2008 3:55 PM (GMT 0)
I am having huge problems with my son and knew that everyone here would understand and maybe have some advice. I don't post very often but read all the time. My son is 14. As if that age isn't bad enough, he has a mother with fibro. He is extremely angry at me. The other day I told him to help me with vacuuming because my back was killing me and he told me to "quite making excuses." I was more than a bit shocked to hear him say that. I had brain surgery four years ago and got fibro as a result of that whole experience. My son told me that my surgery was five years ago and I needed to get over it. I sat him down immediately and tried to talk to him and explain everything very calmly. I started to cry though and he told me "don't make this emotional." I was beside myself. Apparently his father, (we are divorced) feels this way and has told him so. He lives with his dad and I really have very little influence over him. I have tried so hard to get him to live with me but he just won't. Now I know why. I tried giving him some brochures to read about fibro and all he says is I don't need to read anything. I really miss the loving son I had before my surgery. :( Any advice? Thanks for listening.
Posted 8/22/2008 4:57 PM (GMT 0)
Fussy,

 

I'm probably the last person here who can give you advice about this.  I don't have children and have never been married.  However, I do have family members with this type of "get over it" attitude.  So, I'm willing to try to help.

 

First of all, your son is 14-you're right, that's bad enough, LOL. tongue   But, he is obviously getting this attitude from his father (in my opinion).  I don't know what your relationship is like with your ex, but if it's strained, I'm sure this negative attitude isn't just about the fibro. rolleyes

 

I grew up with a father who convinced me that I should never show any emotion-crying was not an option-and when I was sick, I needed to just "suck it up."  This made me very resentful and our relationship was strained for years. sad

 

Is there anyone in your family (besides his dad), that can sit him down and explain things to him?  Obviously, he doesn't understand what fibro can do to you, and the horrible pain and frustration you go through on a daily basis.  Also, he may be in denial, or just going through his own growing pains of being a 14 year old boy.  What I mean is, he may have his own issues to deal with.  Again, I don't know all the details about your relationship with your ex, but it sounds like no one is on the same page.  It also sounds like your son is resentful towards you about something.  Would it be possible to talk to your ex and explain to him how your son is acting?

 

Anyway, I really don't feel like I've given you any advice, but I hope that something I said has helped.  If anything, you can always come here and vent, and maybe those with children have some better suggestions.  I really do wish you well. :-)

Posted 8/22/2008 5:04 PM (GMT 0)
Candie,
Unfortunately it looks like his father is poisoning him against fibromyalgia. In addition, your son is 14. So unless I am mistaken and my children are abnormal, you would probably missing your loving son from 5 years ago, whether or not you had the surgery.

My advice is that your son needs to help with the vacuuming even if you are feeling terrific and you shouldn't have to tell him it is because your back hurts. It is possible that he has learned that if he bullies you, you will back off and not make him do any work. That would be a reasonable response from you because when you back off, he stops bullying you. The key is to not give in. "Im sorry you feel that way, but you must vacuum. After you vacuum, you can play video games. . ." It is hard to do. But if you have some leverage, that will help. You can reward him with something he wants (extra video game time or something) when he complies. You can take away something when he doesn't. (do it all calmly like you have been doing).

I have no idea on how to get him to understand fibro. Personally, I think it will be difficult with your ex telling him things. Several years back someone was gossipping about my dh and I so bad that friends called and told us they didn't want anything more to do with us. We didn't defend ourselves because they believed it so strongly. We just lived like we always do and as if the lies weren't true (which they werent) and our friends eventually realized who the bad guy was. Maybe that will work for your son.
Good luck,
Sue
Posted 8/22/2008 5:26 PM (GMT 0)
Candie, you have gotten some good advice from everyone that has posted so far.  Your son needs a good lesson on respecting authority, first of all.  With this attitude, it could really hurt him in his life.  Sue's advice is good.  Do NOT back down.  I know it's hard, but you are the parent...he is the child.  He needs to help around the house.  Ask him why he thinks he should get a free ride here!  You are a family and everyone should have responsibilities for the family to work correctly.  It won't be easy, but you really need to do this.  I'm pretty sure that your ex has played into this, too, because your son is showing such a lack of compassion.

 

Now, what type of doctor do you see?  Does your doctor understand your pain, your surgery, etc?  If so, take your son with  you to an appointment.  My doctor doesn't have me undress (He's too frightened to look!  smhair )so if your's does, maybe make an exception on that day.  Let the doctor know you are bringing him with  you and the doctor may be able to get through to your son that you are not faking this illness.

 

I'm so sorry you are going through all of this.  It's bad enough to have fibro but you have to put up with and angry ex-husband who could be really hurting your son  He will have a problem getting ahead in life  with an attitude and lack of respect for authority.  Let us know how it goes and I'll be praying that your son will come around for you.

 

Sherrine

Posted 8/22/2008 5:40 PM (GMT 0)

Hi Candie,

Breathe.  Did your son push your buttons?  Did he get you flustered, upset, and doubting your parenting skills?  Well then, pat yourself on the back for a job well done!  He's doing what he's supposed to be doing during this developmental stage, frustrating as that is.  The developmental task of a teenager is almost identical to that of a toddler so if you feel like you're talking to a sulking, pouting, egocentric two year old sometimes, that would be why. rolleyes (Next time he rolls his eyes at you, try asking him if he can see his brain when he does that turn ) The task is to assert independence and discover who he is apart from you and it's just as annoying in the teenage years as it is in the toddler years.  The key, and the difficult part (coming from a child therapist and parent educator who is way better at teaching this than practicing it!!) is to keep your cool and pretend it doesn't bother you and then state a simple expectation attached to an action on your part such as, "I love you too much to argue with you.  As soon as you have finished that chore, I'll be happy to drive you to ball practice--or give you back the remote control, or x-box or whatever" and then WALK AWAY and refuse to respond in any way to the arguing, whining, pouting, whatever.  I know that what he said to you was very hurtful and if you didn't have brain surgery and fibro, it would have been something else just as hurtful.  I'd like to gently suggest that the loving child you had before the surgery was a loving child because he was ten and you raised him well and that the rebellious 14 year old you have now is testing his wings and would more than likely have attitude whether you had fibro or not.  The good news is that it is a stage and there are parenting strategies for it and that when they work through it, the typical course of development is to pretty much be as they were before horrible adolescence so if you had a caring, considerate, and loving child before this stage, you can expect to see him again in a couple of years.  In the meantime, kick the ex's butt for talking negatively about you!  That is not good divorce co-parenting practice and is more hurtful to your son, believe it or not, than it is to you.  Take care of you.  Get out the baby photos and remember why you love this kid, give him a hug or high five, and go soak in a tub or read a book and leave him with the task of figuring out if he's going to help out or not.  If all else fails, he will eventually get hungry and that's when you can hand him a bag of trail mix and tell him you'll be enjoying your meal that you prepared just for you or ordered from a restaurant in the den or on the porch and that you will be happy to do all the things that you do for him as soon as you are feeling respected.  Ofcourse if you are going to use these techniques, they have to be done matter of factly without any angry tone at all.  I know I'll get some bashing responses to this for suggesting you deprive him of food--believe me, he'll live and he'll gain a new respect for all the things you do for him.  Good luck.

Holly

Posted 8/22/2008 8:31 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Holly,
Do you do parent training? What program do you use? send me an email about it if you have time. I would like to hear more about your program. Parent training is offered at my university by the child psychologist. I haven't helped out with it because I have so many other things to do, but have visited and it teaches some very good things.
Sue
Posted 8/22/2008 9:14 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks for all the great advice. Yes, his father is influencing him in a negative way and just lies to me when I try to speak to him. Sooo, no help there, but I will stay strong. I refuse to be disrespected in my home and most of our arguing starts there but I will continue to work on staying calm. I have found that it is a LOT easier to stay calm when I don't have the energy to give a rats you know what anyway. Anyway, thanks again everyone for the wonderful advice and I will certainly keep it in my mind next time he comes over.
Posted 8/22/2008 9:53 PM (GMT 0)

Statgeek said...
Hi Holly,
Do you do parent training? What program do you use? send me an email about it if you have time. I would like to hear more about your program. Parent training is offered at my university by the child psychologist. I haven't helped out with it because I have so many other things to do, but have visited and it teaches some very good things.
Sue

Hi Sue,

I don't know how to email you!  Forums usually have a way to pm right?  Oh, could it be that email link on the top of the page? tongue

Posted 8/23/2008 1:09 AM (GMT 0)
Holly,
Oops! I made it visible now. Try clicking on statgeek and see if you can see my email.
Sue
Posted 8/23/2008 2:18 AM (GMT 0)

Hi Fussy,

This is the third time I have tried to respond to your post and it is so hard because I can actually feel your pain from what you wrote. Our kids are our sore spots and they truly do have the power to hurt us so much and yet they also have the power to make us get on our hands and knees and thank God for them!

Just let him know you love him unconditionally. He will come around. I know when my angelic son turned 14  I thought someone had taken my real son and replaced him with a smart mouth, sneering piece of work! He did grow out of it, he now has 3 boys of his own now so his love for me has never been more apparent! I am sorry you are going thru this. I wish I had something etter to say or suggest. Just know this forum has some great people and people here are so kind and understanding. I wish you luck and happiness and some compassion. Please take care of YOURSELF!

Breath

Posted 8/24/2008 1:37 AM (GMT 0)
sad  You poor thing, it must really hurt you inside even though you know why.  Giving him a brochure was a good idea, that is what I did with my daughter of same age who said a similar thing to me once in an argument.  She now understands but still does nothing arouond the house.  I think when I was well I spoilt them.  Dont know if you can do anything else,  keep it up subtely maybe and when he is older maybe he will understand.  Try talk to husband but im sure you already have.  It hurts when those closest dont understand and dont lend a hand.  It took a long time to get my family to understand but I dont get much help.  My daughter now hugs me when im in pain but the household duties well I think I will just give up.  Dont give up just keep at it in small doses.  Really wish I could help you more. cry cry     suez2
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