What about sex?

Ok I don't know how well this subject will fly but here it goes.  When I first met my hubby everything was great.  I was recently divorced and had waited so long to meet someone like Jayson and had all these hopes and dreams for our future.  When we first really "got together"so to speak it was wonderful.  Even though I was much older and had lived with chronic pain for much of my life I had recently lost a bunch of weight and joined a gym with my daughter and with the help of a trainer I was in pretty good shape.  So for a few months life was grand not a care in the world and then I fell down the rather long set of stairs in our home and broke my back. 

 

This started a long process of trying to heal and unduring several surgeries in the middle of all of this.  Needless to say our love life wasn't all it had been in fact it was almost non existent.  We still cared very much for each other and Jayson would tell me over and over that he moved here because he loves me and not for sex but that was a big part of our life specially after me spending years in a loveless marriage.  I slowly started feeling better and with some love and time and restructuring how we made love things got somewhat back to normal at least acceptable.  Then the fibro hit and all of the sudden all the pains I had got to calm down were in full force again and the fatigue was unbelieveable.  With added pain medications and so much extra pain sex became a thing of the past and I seriously didnt think about it all that aften anymore but I knew this life was very hard on Jay.

 

So occasionally we will approach the subject and even plan for it but it never goes as planned.  I always end up hurting like crazy and have no energy and most times it ends with me in tears and Jay just feeling sad.  He is still very understanding about it all because I do know that he loves me but it makes me wonder is this how life will be forever? Now with the fibro I see no end in sight to this.  Are my expectations too high?  All I know is we have altered how we do things over and over and wedsnday was Jaysons birthday.  I wanted the day to be perfect for him and that included him getting some "loving"

from me since the last time was when we were in Las Vegas the end of May.  I thought I had it all figured out.  Make sure I was well rested and had takin my pain meds about a half hour before the big event but halfway through things I started hurting and it got worse and there was no way I was going to wreck Jays one special day after making him wait so long.  So I went on with it and didnt say a thing about the pain.  Needless to say it wasn't a enjoyable exsperience for me(other then that I was making Jay happy)but I was a great actress.

 

Well yesterday I woke up in a flare.  My back was on fire and I couldnt hardly move my messed up hip and I had a raging headache,my arms and legs felt like they were 20 tons and so achey.  So I hoped for a better day today since I had lots of errands to run starting this morning but I knew 2 hours before the alarm went off when I was forced to get up because of pain that this too would not be a good day and as I was wondering about why I still hurt it hit me.......flare.   So I made some calls to rearrange my day,still got the errands just doing them slower.  And this all makes me so afraid to even try to continue with our sex life as meager as it is.

 

My question to the forum is how do others cope with this subject?  I brought it up to a pain forum I was on and it was like ppls lips were sealed.  I know we talk about trying to take care of our families and our kids and dealing with work and daily tasks but this is also an important part of the lives of couples dealing with chronic pain and fibro.  In this area I feel like I have let Jay down the most and sometimes I feel that closeness slipping away and that we live more like roommates then lovers.  Sometimes or should I say lots of times I get so paranoid that he might be approaching having sex when he is being affectionate that it actually brings about panick.  Like Oh God is that what he's thinking about? and then why shouldnt he? when things have gone from several times a day(ok that was a new romance) to maybe once every few months if he's lucky?  So is it the same for other couples? is anyone brave enough to talk about it?  I just have noone else who would even understand.  I even tried talking to my daughter who I am very open with but she was like"helloooooooo your in pain if he doesnt like it too bad!!" but thats her mom she is protecting.  Just sitting here this morning hurting and sad that what should have been a sweet and beautiful thing between us the other day has now got me in a flare and messing up my whole week and trying not to make Jayson feel guilty for any of it when he did nothing wrong.

 

Soft Hug's,

Karen

Karen,
I have found that the marriage act makes my pain disappear for about two hours. When I quizzed my doctor on this she explained that the gentle stretching, increased circulation and the natural endorphins released lead to the "pain free" time. She actually prescribed more love life for less pain.

I"m not sure where your pain is coming from but it may be time for a frank talk with your doc about what's up with your meds and sexual activity. Also, I would speak frankly with your sweetie, saying you miss the closeness and how your anxiety affects your enjoyment. There are lots of ways to make each other feel good and they do not all have to lead to the "big climax". When you love someone you want what is best for them. Jay wants what is best for you, but you have to help him find it. Perhaps some of the new lubricants that are available, along with some gentle understanding will lead to more good times in this department. You may just have to sit down and explain how you feel and how it's affecting everything.

Men like to be loved, but as they age they have performance anxiety, too. All the "man drugs" advertised on TV don't help matters much, either! Every loving act doesn't have to go to the top of the mountain. Sometimes it's just a gentle back rub or a foot rub before sleep. Sometimes it's just fitting together like spoons. Talk to your guy and tell him everything. Ask him how you can make him happy, even if you are having some pain. Be truthful. He will probably surprise you.

Karen,

If you are worried about pleasing him, there are other ways besides intercourse to do that. Maybe that would be something you could think about.

My husband and I both also have health issues and it makes sex hard at times. But we do always work it out. And as Jeannie said, those endorphins get going and you feel wonderful.

I hope that you can find the answer that you are looking for.

Luv and hugs, Karen

Okay, my DH and I are probably one of the oldest couples on here, he is 65 and I'm 58. We usually make love once a week, Sat or Sun. I have become a late morning person and that's the time that works best for us now. We have gone through a lot of changes over the years and adapted to them but I won't give up sex with him til neither one of us can move. Get creative it is doable. That closness is too important to me and any pain I had before is usually forgotten about during and after.

 

Stephanie, what size of bed do you have??? We have a king and the last time we got mattresses we got two extra long twins and really don't know each other is in bed. I hate to read about couples not sharing a bed cause of fibro.

 

Alice, I waited til my mom died to have the sex talk and find out where babies come from, never found out.

 

luv and hugs

Marlee

Karen, you do have a lot more health problems and pain going on than I do so it is understandable that your not always up to it. Just keep the communication open so he can tell you what he needs. I can understand your insecurities about the age difference but if he is coming home to you every night you obviously don't have to worry. Everlasting love finds a way through all the obstacles in life.

 

luv and hugs

Marlee

Karen,

I have nothing to add to the subject beyond what has already been said, but I wanted to congratulate you on bringing up a difficult subject in such a tasteful manner. It must have been hard on you to open up like that and I commend you for doing so. You must really really love your husband very much. I applaud you.

Good luck and God bless.

Lindaloo

Sue2z,
Your pillow mention... My hubby comments quite often about me 'building my nest' before I can go to sleep. On a cold night he will remove some pillows and substitute himself for me to rest against. We have even started to laugh about the "Nest". We have a king sized bed, too. I wonder if that might be the thing to try?

Hi Karen,

boy oh boy.  After reading the responses, I'm surprised by the frequency other couples experience.  We are quite a bit more infrequent and it is a huge issue for my husband.  I will say I noticed an increase in my sex drive after starting Cymbalta.  I really wasn't thinking much about it before except in the context that I knew my husband needed it and when tensions rise, if he doesn't get that release, we wil argue about anything and everything.  I have to remind myself to work it into our schedules when it has been too long.  Is the pain in your back or is it vaginal?  It's hard to know what to suggest not knowing the source of the pain.  If it was just the pain during lovemaking, you could probably deal with it but since it sets off a flair, that's a whole other ballgame.  I try not to live in constant fear that something I do is going to set off a flair but it's always lingering there like a whisper in my head.  Anyway, sex is not generally painful for me but my husband has a hard time climaxing and usually requests that we finish manually.  This is painful because my hands, wrists, fingers, and forearms hurt all the time.  I don't like it but I like my marriage.  I don't like the side effects of some of my meds either but I figure out when the benefits outweigh the costs.  For you it may be that the costs outweigh the benefits, i don't know but I do know that sex is extremely important to men and to a healthy or even barely breathing marriage.  I did develop a strategy for dealing with the anxiety that perhaps his affection was leading to sex in his mind.  I will say something goofy like, "I love when you snuggle up close to me.  It makes me feel so safe.  I was thinking that um if you don't have something better to do on Saturday night maybe we could you know, have a little fun, drink a little wine, get down tonight (I don't think those lyrics are exactly right but it gets the point across)"  That way he knows I'm not thinking about it right now but am interested, even if I'm not up to it right now.  Plus I can plan for it, which, for me, helps a lot.  I think we will have more suggestions for you when we know what hurts.  Or maybe you just need to tone it down a bit and stop swinging from the chandalier!!  You're not 18 anymore (even if Jay is ha ha)  I crack myself up.  You can email me if you like.  Just put something in the subject line like fibro forum so i won't delete without reading.

Keep on you know, dancing.

Holly

We do have some teen girls on here so it is important to not be too explicit but with fibro they may be facing this problem themselves many years down the road when they are married.

 

Suez, I found your post very sad. I hope you find relief from the pain and can welcome your hubby back in your bed.

 

Several years ago I did something that wasn't too smart and pulled every muscle in my lower back. Actually, it was a few days before 9/11 and the only way I could sleep for weeks was to put my back up against my DH's at night for support. So don't kick them out of your beds use them to your advantage. Mine has an on and off switch and can sleep in any position so it's like having a big old heating pad in bed with me.

 

I need to make new pillows today for my nest. The fiber fill is getting clumpy and won't fluff the way it should. I use cotton pillow covers with zippers and fill them to my liking with fiber fill. I like them understuffed for my head so I can tuck some under my neck for support.

 

luv and hugs

Marlee

QTK,

 

LOL-I sent you an email, but after reading everyone's posts, I probably could have just posted it here (although, I'd have to say a few things in a more politically correct way LOL).  Anyway, I wish I had the guts to ask this question a long time ago.  It's interesting how so many of us have wanted to ask the same thing.  Thanks for having the nerve, my sister in babbling!

My fibro doesn't cause me any problems in this department but the endometriosis and abdominal adhesions cause occasional problems. My guy is also a lot younger than I am. We use creativity and humor to deal with any difficulties.

Your guy needs to lose weight. My guy lost 50 lbs and it made a world of difference. It takes a lot of pressure off of you and gives you more options with positions. I can not stress how much of a difference it made. Don't take all the blame for this. It is not just your problem. After reading your story, I'm amazed you can do it at all!

If you only try at night, maybe a different time of day will help. Don't fear it or constantly worry about a flare, that's the sure way to get one. Put the age difference out of your mind, remember - he chose to be with you. Have a frank discussion that flirting and loving caresses are just that, it does not mean that you can do it that day. This means you have to have a clear way to signal when you will do it. You may also discuss that you'd be willing to try but he needs to understand that you may need to stop before he'd like to.

I am also one of those people that will freely talk about anything so I will do my best to keep my next suggestion PG-13. He needs to be just about "ready" before you attempt the togetherness. He can even get himself ready, with any help you can give, so that the difficult part is over in a minute or two. When he is getting "ready", you can talk in a sexy or naughty manner, or maybe try stroking his body (his whole body) with a feather, piece of silk, a string of beads, anything that creates a different sensation. This keeps you a part of the act without requiring too much of you. It may feel uncomfortable at first, but most change is. Sometimes we get so silly, no one can finish anything with all the laughter.

If you can go to a decent "adult store" you can find things that could add interest. Not all adult stores are sleazy but it does take a lot of nerve to walk into even a nice one the first time. Go with your guy or find an adventurous girlfriend. They don't just sell kinky stuff but stay out of any back room! You can remain completely anonymous if you pay with cash. You can also browse an online store, it may give you ideas. Make it an adventure.

Showing him that you are interested and making an effort despite your challenges may cause him to do his part and lose some weight. Talk to your doctor or gyn. I am sure you won't be the first person to ask your doctor for help and advice on sex. It is considered a quality of life issue and is just as important as any other things you do. If it wasn't important, why would insurance companies pay for Viagra?

I hope I haven't offended anyone. I tried to keep this PG.

Well I'm not sure how much help I'll be since I've hardly had any experience. I know that when I was with my first bf, it was many years before I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. The first time we made love, well it was the most painful thing I'd ever experienced and had to stop after five minutes. We did try a couple more times and it didn't hurt as much but was still very painful and was never enjoyable for me. I did try to please him in other ways but those never worked out. Either my hands would cramp up or my gag reflex was too strong if you get my meaning.

On top of finding intercourse to be painful, I've always had a really low libido so I'm hardly ever interested in doing more than cuddling.

It kind of makes me grateful that I'm in a long distance relationship right now. We rarely ever see each other so these issues have never come up.

Dagger,

You did a great job and beleive me I have already been there on some of the suggestions. We have even "shopped" together so thats not an issue. The weight thing is easier said then done. One week he does ok and then the next he is right back to snackie heaven. The man likes to eat and I am aprouching this more from a health standpoint with him then appearence but its not going well. We are shopping for a new bed and maybe that will do the trick after medication changes I am alot more interested now so the ball is in his court. I have told him if he made more of an effort he would be peasantly surprized but its not fair for me to do this all on my own and I am letting him know that. You guys have all been great on this and its like fibro and other pain related things have takin so much from us I just dont want a decent sex life to pass any of us by.

Soft Hug's and Good Luck
Karen