Back from daughters and crashing bigtime

Well well here I am again.  Ya I know I've been told before    Spent 4 days with my daughter and grandkids,the big last hoorah before school started and my SIL gets back from being out to sea. Other then a birthday party I don't go over there when he is home,we knock heads badly and for good reason but that's another story.  The main complaint I had on the last 4 day jaunt was lack of sleep and alot of pain after a day of playing with the kids in the sun but this time was different.  They had a big day of shopping planned on monday with all the sales and since I am trapped in a small town most days they included me in on this trip so I could shop as well.  I should have known big trouble was coming when we got a late start monday morning because of me moving so slow.  Was thrown right back into the no sleep thing with my grandkids taking up much of the day and by the time they got in bed and my daughter wanted me time I was already so ready for bedtime but stayed up to apease her.

 

So here I was dragging butt and every joint in my body screaming NOOOOOO and pulled myself up by the bootstraps and we were on our way.  By 4 pm I was hunched over looking more like the halloween costumes in the store then myself and the kids could see gramma was fading fast not to mention my blood sugar was bottoming out and Jakob my 8 yr old grandson was shoving smartie candies in my mouth as fast as I could chew them.  We decided to head over to an early dinner / late lunch at a pizza place.  After the confusion of getting 4 pizza's and various other sides ordered the kids dragged me over to the video games shouting GRAMMA GRAMMA ya right the whole you can doooooooo ittttttt (in my best Tony Little voice) well I couldnt do it,in fact I suck but after a hour of bending over cheering them on I was even more bent.  We had the food which also sucked bleck! (and all for over 50 dollars!)  and it was right back out into the shopping grind.  By now the kids are tired and fighting and yelling and I am tired and fighting back and yelling and my daughters friend although pleasant has horrid kids so I wanted to kill the one she brought with her and ya I got to admit I was rather mean and nasty to the little wretch

 

We finally pulled back into my daughter place to go through all thier finds(I didnt find much I was too sore to look)I call Jay and he's mad cause I forgot to call him back the night before(don't even remember saying I would but sure he is right ) and didn't tell him we were going shopping(my bad) so he had been worried all night with good reason so I apoligized every which way and then spent the rest of the night watching movies and going to bed at(you guessed it) 4 am againnnnnn.  Was woke up by kids climbing on me around 7 or 8 and knowing it was my last day there got out of bed only to find that I could barely move.  The pain was assulting me from every direction and I just wanted to cry and did.  Even the kids were scared and yelling somethings wrong with gramma.  I told everyone to just give me some time and took some pain meds and went out on the front deck in the sunshine to wait for them to work.  Omg that sunshine felt soooooo good, I never wanted to move.  I was set to go home at 2pm and although I had trouble leaving those cryin faces I was so ready to go home.

 

And of course the first day back I didnt want to dissapoint Jay by being a drag so right after getting home and unpacking I walked over to meet him at work and walk home with him and of course just had to offer to walk even farther to get him some dinner.  I was so ready for bed last night and was nodding off hours before it was time to go to bed but too stubborn to just go to bed early cause I didnt want to bail on Jay either.  I dont think I am ever going to get over this sense of feeling like I am disapointing the ppl I love.  And yet it's not just a sense if it,it is true.  If I don't go through with whatever they want of me I do dissapoint them and they still let me know it too. After thinking I had my mom understanding how hard it is for me(and you would think she would understand,she was just dx'd with fibro!!)she wasted no time in calling me when I got home to tell me all she wanted from me today.  Hey at least she was willing to wait till today even though she said she would just have to suffer till then.  Early this morning I woke up in severe pain and I was still so tired.  I took some pain meds and went back to bed only to wake within the hour feeling like I hadnt takin any pain meds at all so I took another one hoping to dull this roar of pain and here I still sit with it being too late to go back to bed and still too sore to do so even if I had the time.

 

I guess I don't want the good times to end and I know many of them will if I give in to the pain.  How do you get back those missed moments if you do pass on the good times now?  you don't and that's the plain truth.  Maybe with my other health concerns I worry that there won't be that many days left for me period and I want to leave this world with my grandchildren having only the best memories of me,memories I never had to cherish from my own grandparents.  And maybe I am still making up for all the disapointments in my daughters life,dreams that I never made come true that I am living now with her and my grandkids in the now.  I worry after having 2 strokes already if this pain I am in now is worth it or not and I truly can't give myself a good answer.  Most of the time when I am in my worst pain I am alone and others don't get to exsperience that with me not that I would wish that on them but they might understand more if they did.  Jay has been here on many occasion when I had to be picked up off the bathroom floor or helped to the bathroom but even he seems to be an out of sight out of mind person as when I tell him I have had a bad day he still seems to expect I am 100% the rest of the day. 

 

It is so true that most of us were and are perfectionists and pleasers and maybe thats what helped bring us to this place in our lives now.  It seems a shame that wanting to have things a certain way or to be there for eveyone would be punished by this dreaded disease.  So then what? the slackers have a great life with no pain?  seems so sometimes.  Maybe I just think too darn much and I am so thankful I have this place to unload my feelings on when I am alone and in pain and don't know what to do to get through it.  At any rate who knows how many times I will be in this place until I just give out for good.  Hope my days arent that numbered cause even with all the pain the last four days I sure had some great moments inbetween like pile ups full of laughter rolling on the bed in the mornings and heck, pileups in the easy chair too when everyone wants to sit on grammas lap at once and Lauren looking up at me and saying she has the most beautiful gramma in the whole world or Jakob slapping me a high 5 and saying gramma your the best!!! even now these memories warm my heart and bring tears to my eyes and I think how do you say no to that?  thanx for listening

 

Soft Hug's,

Karen

Karen,

I am the same way as you, I hate to disappoint my family.  I do so many stupid things that just get me into trouble.  But how do you look into the faces of your loved ones and say no.  It's hard to change a whole lifetime of behavior.  We are caretakers and we need to see the joy on the faces of our loved ones.  It makes us feel needed and loved.  Even though you had a busy weekend, it sounds like you made some great memories.  Next time, pace yourself and let your daughter know that you need to get to bed at a respectible hour so that you can be more productive the next day.  And if that doesn't work, we are always here to listen.  I hope you get some much needed rest.

Meggie 

 QTKaren,

That was one of the most beautiful, sincere, honest posts I have read in a long time. Thank you for sharing that with us, even though I know just typing it and revealing your heart, fears and hopes had to have worn you out.

Alot of what you said sounds like me.  I miss my grandkids because I cannot drive that far and they are so busy.  BUT, they know their Gigi (thats me! lol) loves them so much and I know they love me and that laughter and giggles truly is priceless.

Again, thank you for sharing that. I hope you get your much needed rest and hopefully get back to YOUR LEVEL  of YOUR WELLNESS as soon as possible.

Breath

 Dear QTKaren: i take care of my Dad who has alzheimers. about once every four months, one of my sons or a brother comes here to give me a day and a half off. Usually I go to a motel, and just visit when it's physically possible with my other son, his girlfriend, and occasionally other relatives. When I'm in pain, I cry. I just can't stand it, it hurts so bad. On the two occasions over the past two years, when I stayed with my son(s), I was curled up on the sofa in a warm fuzzy blanket, crying. They know I was hit by a truck in 2002, but they don't understand how the Fibro settles in where the original injury was, limited my recovery (the Physical Therapist fired me, saying, we can't help you anymore due to the fibro.) So, it is what it is, it's the best I can do. I have to set limits or I'll end up paying a hugh price for pushing hrough the pain and making myself do things, I know I will pay for dearly. I hope my family understands, I don't think they do. Pain for most people comes, responds to short=term treatment and is gone. With us, it comes and stays, and tays and stays. How can someone who hasn't experienced this, going to know that we're not just attention seeking, self-absorbed, sissies. Because there are no outside signs, no open gaping wounds, we're not believed. Even the doctors treat us as drug seeking lepers. Yes, dear Karen, set limits, and cry if you need to (it actually releases endorphins) so might be therapeutic. When Gramma is crying tell them you're crying to make yourself feel better. Hugs. 

Karen, it took a long time for me to realize I ran on guilt and fear. My maternal grandmother never acknowledged her grandchildren existed. I was 27 when she died and never had a conversation with the women. I felt nothing when she died cause she meant nothing to me. My mother and I were like oil and water and she wasn't the best grandmother either although better than her mother was. So I lived my life in fear of being like these women when it come to my children and then grandchildren and really didn't know what normal was. I have been so determined to be a better mother and grandmother than they were that I think I have the word "sucker" tattooed on my forehead that only my children and grandchildren can see. When I leave this world I only want them to have happy memories of me and I sure don't want them to not feel love for me cause I was never there for them. But I finally had to make my own normal and set limits. You can only do what you can do and yes I wish I had more energy for my grandchildren, this isn't the way it was suppose to be, but it is the way it is. I talk to my grandchildren and I make special time for each one and it is never enough time as far as I'm concerned but it is all I can do. You know if truth be known I'm sure my grandchildren never give it a thought that I don't spend enough time with them. It's all guilt and fear that I have put on myself. It's taking me a long time but I am getting much better at this. I'm so far from being like my grandmother and mother and I finally realize that.

 

luv and hugs

Marlee

Hi guys,

 

Feeling much better today.  Pain levels are almost back to normal.  Yesterday was a hard day for me I hurt like crazy all day and was so tired and later in the afternoon I started feeling really Ill to the point of throwing up several times and was running a temp.  Not sure what that was all about except maybe my body was protesting in every way possible.  My grandkids have already learned some limits with me like not jumping on me or hanging on me and asking before climbing into my lap.  The 2 smallest still put thier hands up all the time for me to pick them up but then Jakob will chime in with"gramma hurts and can't do that anymore".  I let him know if it's ok at that time as it's pretty hard to make Kirsten understand since even though shes almost 3 yrs old it's more like dealing with a 18 month old baby.  Playing inside can be hard too at times because Jakob always wants me to play cars on the floor with him as does Lauren with her dollhouse but as much as I try to do this I always have to get up a few minutes later cause its too painful in that position.  This last visit Jakob and I devised a system with me sitting on his bed and him on the floor and making high ramps to run his cars on and then for Lauren I told her if we brought a chair in her room for me to sit on I could still play with her and her huge dollhouse but gramma would have to "live" on the upper floors so she came up with a plan that I was a rich lady and she was my maid and would bring things up to me lol.  As for Danielle she still cant understand why gramma can't bend way over to push baby strollers with her and Kirsten likes to be tossed up in the air and theres no way I can do that so we lay on the bed and I tickle her and play peek a boo there and she loves for me to read to her same for all the kids.  Each night before bed my daughter has the kids form a half circle around her on the floor and she reads them a couple stories so I get to fill in for that when I visit.

 

These kids have so much energy and are so full of life.  Today after my doctors appt I have to go over to my moms to clean her apartment up since she is having a state inspection for her section 8 housing and if that place isnt in top shape they write her up and come back ten days later to make sure all the violations have been fixed and if its still not done then they cancel her housing and she is homeless.  I asked her to please do some stuff today so I wont have so much to do when I come home but she is still in slow and slower mode most of the time.  Her attitude is getting better since I finally convinced her to go on prozac for her clinical deppresion.  That was a huge move on her part as we have been trying for at least 10 years to get her to get help.  She is also taking Lyrica now and not taking nearly so much narcotics so she said she finally understands that for some pain that narcotics are not the answer.  She had a mountain of laundry waiting for me yesterday but I got that all done last night and just have to deliver it to her and get her to put it away.  I told her if one batch of clothes isnt put away by the time she needs clothes done again that I wont wash more till the first batch is put away and she found out fast that I meant it lol.

 

Well gotta go and start getting ready for my appt today time for the whole shower and shaving thing.  Kelly....I promise to write back to you by tomorrow morning.  I did get your e-mail and havent forgot =)

 

Soft Hug's,

Karen

Okay Jeannie I will tell you it gets easier as they get older if that is what you want to hear, hehehe. It does get easier in some ways and harder in other ways.

 

I have found you don't have to be good at sports or a ballerina to make beautiful memories with your grandchildren. They don't remember the home cooked meals as much as they do grandma spending one on one time with them talking and drawing pictures. Going to one store shopping with them and letting them pick out something they like is as good as an all day shopping trip for a child. Taking a short walk and holding hands is as good as a trip around the world to them. Having a tea party or picnic is as great as the fanciest restaurant. Curling up in bed together and watching one of their favorite movies til they fall asleep is a biggy. It's not the quantity of time spent it's the quality of time they remember.

 

We have figured out all kinds of ways around fibro to live our lives so it's the same with grandchildren.

 

luv and hugs

Marlee

We already do the non traditional meal for x-mas eve when the whole family gets together. We all meet in the club house at my mom's apartment and we each pitch in with different deli meats and cheeses, chips and breads and then some bring store bought dessert and I usually bring a few pies and sweet breads. That way the kids can be fed early and then the adults can eat when they please while everyone opens gifts. Jayson and I usually have a quiet meal and x-mas day but thanksgiving is the killer for me since I do all the cooking and baking for days in advance. My daughter is learning some things but other then her there are no other cooks in the family. Heck my brother has to beg to get a tuna sandwich out of his wife. My SILand niece are strictly dine out and take out all the way.