How much can one person take before they break?

How much, I wonder, does it take before someone eventually just has a complete breakdown? Going through the same thing day after day, trying to just make it through one more day. Sometimes I have to take my day a minute at a time, or even one second at a time. I feel close to edge of a breakdown. I don't know what to do about it. I don't want to tell any of my family. I don't want them to worry. I really don't even want to be around anyone. I just want to be by myself, but when I do isolate myself and no one comes asking about me, I feel abandoned. It's a weird feeling. When someone does come find me, I can't wait for them to leave so I can be alone in my misery.

It's the pain, the fatigue, the depression from being in pain and tired all the time. It's the responsibilities that I have that I have a hard time fulfilling. It's believing that I am useless and worthless because of my Fibro. It's pushing myself too hard to do the things that I need to do, trying to prove to myself that I'm not worthless, but then all I want to do is nothing after several days of pushing so hard.

I'm sorry. I feel like I am babbling.

Tikismykitty,
I have been where you are and it is not fun. I know that you don't want your family to worry but you really need to talk to them or someone you feel you can confide in. You are depressed and it's difficult to get out of that funk by yourself. I don't no how you feel about antidepressants but they really do help. It took time for me to get the right one and the right dose but I did get there and although I still have fatigue and pain, I actually smile and mean it.

I hope you feel better soon but know we are here if you need to talk.

Meggie

Hey Tiki, can I ask if you are taking any meds??? I am asking because before I was put on Nortriptyline, I was at the end of my breaking point. I had nothing left to give and didn't know how to feel good about anything. Nortriptyline is an antidepressant of sorts but it helps me get the deep sleep I need, which in turn helps everything else kinda fall in to place and make life better than it was going. You need to talk to your family or at least one member, so they can help you get to feeling better. And yes we have all had to deal with our own self esteem demons with these diseases, so know that you are not alone ever.

Tiki, You're not alone. And I know exactly how you feel. A few months ago I broke so to speak and started crying...and literally could not stop. It was bizarre because I normally do not cry easily...Anyhow. I had reached my breaking point and I broke. I think I cried for 8 hours straight or some wild amount of time and almost all night. I sobbed, wailed and screamed. No one could console me... I thought I had gone totally mad. It was everything coming out at once. I was angry and mad at myself for being a "burden" (conjured this up in my head) I was upset at family members for not understanding me...just an accumulation of too much going on in my life and way too much stress. It was awful. Stress triggered it and I flaring and giving up and in...I have always been a fairly strong person emotionally but I "broke"... And that was possibly the most healing thing that has EVER happened to me...I let it all out and after I had passed out from exhaustion I woke up and even though my eyes were swollen shut from all of the tears I felt so much better. My family understood to back off a bit (too much overwhelms me) and my life improved. I think it frightened them a whole bunch,too. Scared me.                  Everyone has their own breaking point and their own way of getting past it and it is ok to break. It will happen eventually to all of us and even to me again I'm sure. Some might need therapy. Others might need something else. My crying fit helped me. ( it was my way of healing I guess) Please find your way of getting through it and once you do it will pass. And things will be a bit brighter. It is ok to break as long as you have help dealing with it. Please talk to someone. And you will be ok. We're all going to be ok.

Tiki...not only have you helped a few other people (like ginny) by speaking our internal dialogues out loud, but you've also shown that you are trying to help yourself. To speak it to someone else means that you want hep. And people are willing to help. We're all willing to listen, a lot of us are willing to give encouragement. You just need to keep remembering that sometimes we do have to go only one second at a time. We've all been there at some point or another.

You mentioned that you push yourself too hard to do the things that you need to do and end up paying for it by being laid up in bed, or out of commission the next couple of days. The trick, for me at least, is to pace yourself. Not only do you need to pace yourself so that you don't damage yourself, but there's a second (and important) part to pacing yourself and these activities. By not pushing yourself so hard all the time you won't end up with those downtime days. By doing a little bit every day - not only is it getting done, but also you start getting a sense of accomplishment.

One of the things that I used to do (and am STILL guilty of) is to fail at pacing myself. If i push too hard to try and get everything done in one day, I end up getting myself stuck in bed for a day or two as well. And then while I'm stuck in the bed I start kicking myself cause now as far as I'm concerned I'm useless cause I'm not doing anything. I'm just laying around and being miserable. ..........Is this starting to sound familiar?...........

Once I started pacing myself, not only were things getting done, but it also started making me feel better about it. Cause by pacing, every single day I was able to say, "At least I accomplished xxx today, and now I can check that off my list of stuff to have to do." Or it was now something that was able to be put back at the bottom of the rotating list - such as housework tasks. But that sense of having achieved something every single day is/was what saves me from depression coming around so often.

I am bi-polar and have much more of a tendency to the depressive side than to the manic side. And I'm very good at finding reasons to pick on myself, or to de-value, or to discount myself. That's why it's so important for me to have that "I accomplished something today" come around every day. And yes, if it weren't for anti-depressants I'd be a thousand times harder on myself than I am already.

I hope this makes you understand that yes, you are valuable to not only your family but to people around here as well. And yes, you can get through this. We get through these things. Sometimes we're not sure how we do it, but we get through.

Tiki, you have gotten excellent suggestions on this thread.  I suffered from depression only once in my life and it was when my husband died suddenly.  Depression is downright painful!  But, I kept putting one foot in front of the other and kept making myself be a part of society and eventually I came out of it.

 

I think, deep down, you know you are not a burden.  You have an illness.  If your husband was sick, would you think he was a burden to you?  Of course not!  So, don't believe that junk when it rises up in your mind.  Talk to those bad thoughts and order them to leave.  I know it sounds strange, but you can have control of your thinking.  We have so much strength in our bodies and we only use a fraction of it.  Then start looking around and look at all the things you CAN do and DID do.  You may not accomplish what you want to in one day but you do accomplish things.  The things you didn't get done will be there tomorrow and you can get to them then.

 

Positive thinking is what has gotten me through all the problems I have had.  I not only have to alter things to accomodate fibro, but I have to alter things for my ostomy and my severe hearing impairment.  I am legally deaf.  But, instead of being angry that I have to do these things, I'm so thankful that I'm able to be independent and enjoy this beautiful life.  There are a lot of wonderful things in life. 

 

One of my children the other day said that she can't believe how blessed she is NOW.  I told her that she has always been blessed but didn't realize it because she had never looked!  It's true for you too.  Right off the bat, you have a husband that loves you and cares so much about you.  That's a HUGE blessing!  Maybe make a list of all the blessings you have and all that you are thankful for.  I think it would be a real eyeopener and would help to chase this negative thinking away. 

 

I am getting off my soapbox now!     But, please think about what I have said.  Even when I'm in a horrible flare, I know there are better days ahead and that has helped me get through them with a smile on my face.  You see, that makes me victorious and it make fibro the big loser.

 

Sherrine 

hi tiki, I do understand how hard it is and here at this forum you are not alone, many of us have struggled with the same kind of feelings.

I had a breakdown about 5 yrs ago. after that, I spent a number of years in therapy and on meds for depression and anxiety. best thing I did for my health was get therapy. the amount of flares I experience now is less because I am not totally stressed out all the time. so for me, therapy not only improved my mental health but also the quality of my life because my health is so much better.

it is a hard load to carry. some people can carry it better then others. for me, because of PTSD problems, I didn't carry it very well, and I broke pretty quickly. I felt hopeless. I don't feel that anymore, and if I can find hope and joy, I really believe anyone can.

big hugs,
kellie

My husband understands, but somehow, I always feel like he is trying to manipulate me into feeling sorry for him. He has had back problems mosts of his life, and he doesn't have insurance. He told me the other night that he is in pain and tired everyday too, but he pushes through it, and that is what I need to do too. He told me it would take time, but the whole time we were talking, I felt like he was trying to get me to feel sorry for him, when he was supposed to be comforting me. I don't know. Maybe I am paranoid.

Everyone on here has given really good advice, and I really appreciate it. I don't feel so alone when I read the posts on this board. A lot of thoughts are rushing through my head right now, so I am going to go before I start rambling incoherently.

I won't say I've been where you girls are at cause I did not get fibro til my family was pretty much raised. I was in my 50s when I was dxd and for that I am very thankful. I was a very strong woman that prided herself on being able to do it all. I was a perfectionist and no one could do anything around the house as well as I could so it was easier for me to do it myself to begin with. That made for a pretty easy life for my family.

 

Fibro set in slowly for me and it took quite awhile before I just couldn't keep up with everything and everybody anymore. I went through the depression, anger and why me phase. It wasn't fair, what had I ever done to deserve this DD. I would push and push myself to still try to keep up with everything. I didn't know any other way to live my life but full steam ahead. The new body I was in was foreign to me and it was failing to live up to my expectations. I couldn't get it to do the things my mind wanted it to do and it was very frustrating and depressing.

 

Then there was the family that did not understand the new me and the fatigue and pain. I didn't understand it so how was I suppose to explain it to anyone else. So I just kept on plodding along pushing and pushing this new body I was in cause that was what was expected of me. I mean you can't really tell your family that you have a new body that your living in and it's a lemon.

 

Then almost 17 mos ago our oldest grandson was killed in Iraq. He wasn't quite 21 yrs old. I shut down and didn't do anything for three months but sit and cry. The psychological pain was worse than the physical pain I was feeling. I barely moved for those three months and lost a lot of physical strength.

 

Last August in my weakened state I decided I had to find some help for this disorder I had called fibro and I found this forum. They kept telling me I had to move, had to move. For whatever reason I did slowly start moving more and I did regain some of my physical strength but I'm still not back to where I was physically before Michael was killed and the pain has increased greatly in the past 17 mos.

 

But mentally I have come a long ways when it comes to the fibro. My mind has accepted the new body I live in and I have learned when given lemons, make lemonade. I stopped dwelling on all I can't do and starting being thankful for all I can still do. I have realized how short life is and we can chose how we live it. We are in control of our thoughts even though we may not be in control of our bodies. I heard something on TV the other night. Spend your time enjoying the birds instead of trying to figure out how you can fly.

 

You girls will get to where some of us are with fibro. It takes time and a lot of positive self talk to get here. I've let go of the perfectionism and it is really rather nice not being self driven all the time to be perfect.

 

luv and hugs

Marlee

Tiki,

I went through the same thing with my husband.  He made me feel bad for not doing the things he thought I should be.  Things got so bad between us .  I checked out emotionally with him.  I knew that he loved me but he just didn't get it, I felt so alone.  This forum helped me feel so much better and I have accepted my limitations.  It helps so much to have someone to talk to.  My husband noticed this difference in me and asked me why.  I told him, I have people who understand, I don't feel so alone.  This seemed to get his attention and he started doing some research on his own.  Then one day when I was leaving work, I found a card in my car, it was from my husband.  He wrote a note in the card.  It was very touching and made me cry.  He admitted that he had not been there for me and he knew that it was wrong.  He apologized for his behavior.  He did write that he was having a very hard time seeing me in so much pain and not be able to fix it, he just didn't no how to behave.  The best thing he wrote was that he was ready to be a better husband.  This was two weeks ago and things are so much better so don't give up on your husband, maybe he just needs to find his way.  This horrible illness affects everyone in the family and they all need to adjust.  Unfortunately it's not an easy adjustment for any of them.

Everyone is right, stay positive.

Marlee, I am so sorry to hear about your grandson.  I can't even image such a loss .

Meggie

Hello Tiki

 

Please do not feel that you are alone in this as all of us know just what it feels like to go through when you want to be left alone.  I myself have been there many times and i find that it is becaused i am so tired that i can not push myself anymore.

 

I think if i could only sleep until i wasn`t tired anymore i would be ok but that never happens so i just try to take it one day at a time.  My bet is that you were a go getter and you find it very hard to not beable to keep up that part, i was like that and my mind tells me i can, but my body tells me i can`t .

 

Please just hang in there with the rest of us and know that you are in our thoughts.

 

 

Mamakitty,
I really was a go-getter when I was healthier, and I still want to be. I loved to run around and do silly things, I loved to get things done, and whenever I was stressed, I would clean. Now when I am stressed, I try to clean, but I just can't get it done the way I want to because I am more limited now. It really sucks. It's nice to know that I am not alone in this. I mean, I feel so alone sometimes, but it is nice to know, it is comforting to know, that there are other people out there who are going through exactly what I am.

Donnaeil,
I was in physical therapy for a while, but I really didn't enjoy it. I did pool therapy, and I love to swim, but it wasn't like that. I felt worse instead of better after each session.
If I had a membership to the YMCA, I would go swimming, or I might try to play a little racketball. But I can't afford it. I wish I could. The woman's locker room has a hot tub. I love hot tubs.
You say that I need the light, but, most often, being outside in the light gives me a really bad headache. I used to love to go to the park and do the little trail that they have there. Now I can't even do that. I have always loved to hike, and I love Turkey Run State Park, but I just can't handle the hiking anymore. It is really depressing that I can't do the things that I love to do. I always feel really at ease when I am out in a park, I feel so stress-free. I don't know what to do.
Whenever I go to the doctor and they ask me if I exercise, I tell them taking care of my son is my exercise. LOL