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Am I being unreasonable in what I ask from my fibro wife?

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Posted 10/27/2008 9:41 AM (GMT 0)
Brett

 

I have put off replying to this post because my answer is so ifferent from the others here.  I have been newly diagnosed but feel I have had this for years.

 

I push myself everyday to get up and go to work...because I HAVE to.  I have no choice.  Does it hurt? YES...Am I tired? YES...but it is something that has to be done.  I feel sometimes from reading these posts that I do no have this as bad as some others here.  And that may be why I am able to get up everyday and do what I do.  BTW I stand on my feet for 8 hours a day.  When I come home I usually crash...so yeah the house is suffering...but I make sure I do what has to be done to help support my family.  My husband is very supportive...even working 2 jobs(70-80hrs a week) he still helps me with the house.  I cook every night and he does dishes.  When he's off work (which isnt very often anymore)  he cleans...when I am off I clean.  A marriage is a 50/50 give and take thing. 

 

I agree with what others have said about maybe putting the youngens in public school.  That would give your wife some relief.  My daughter is 18 and went to public school all her life and she did great!!  Honor roll every year and her senior year she was inducted into the National Technical Honor Society.  Naaa I'm not proud LOL.  I think children NEED the interaction with other children ...it will make them a more rounded individual.

 

As far as sitting at a computer helping you with the work I feel (and this is just my opinion) that if she can sit and write emails, she could help you.  Maybe not everyday, because there are some days where I don't go neaar the puter cause my neck is hurting so bad and looking down (I can't type without looking tongue ) makes it worse.

 

I have found with having this I have to keep pushing myself.  If ...say one weekend..I lay around and do nothing, I feel so much worse that if I worked all day.  So I keep on going.

 

Just my 2 cents worth.  Hopefull I have not offended anyone.

 

~Missy~

Posted 10/27/2008 12:57 PM (GMT 0)
I'm so sorry that your family is going through this stressful period. I've had fibro for several years, and before that, I've had many other debilitating (at times) chronic illnesses.

 

My husband and I have been married for 18 years and have been together for 22 years.  At first, it was really difficult for him to deal with my illnesses (although to be fair, it wasn't nearly as difficult for him as it was for me).  But over the years, he has graciously accepted the fact that I am sick.

 

Most days I am able to function pretty well.  I get up at 5:00 am, take my daughter to school, do all of the housework, errands, laundry, shopping, cooking, child care, bill paying, etc.  But, there are days that I'm barely able to get out of bed.  My fibro is much worse today than it was five years ago.

 

What has helped our marriage the most is my husband's unconditional acceptance.  One of his favorite phrases is  "We all are doing the best we can."  That means me too.  I didn't ask for this illness; I don't wallow in it; and I really do do the best I can.  The only person who can judge what I'm "able" to do is me.

 

My husband will actually say things to me like, "You better be careful, you're going to hurt yourself if you over do it." Or, "If you do all of that, you are going to be exhausted."  These statements of unconditional acceptance make me want to help him all the more.  I do everything I can to help him out because I know he cherishes me and believes in the extent of my illness (and of course because I love him). :-)

 

I know how hard this must be for you.  I'm sure it is very hard to be responsible for providing for your family.  I don't know your wife, but she may respond so much better to unconditional acceptance and validation of her illness.  Although this is most often an "invisible" illness, it can be soooo debilitating both physically and emotionally.

 

I wish you and your wife the best.

 

Austen

Posted 10/27/2008 3:24 PM (GMT 0)
I am trying to see things from both sides. If your wife said she will try let her try but remember if she cant do it she warned you, She might actually end up liking it. Your children are not to young to help especilly the 8 year old can in fact put the shoes in the boxes the five year old can take them out. They can both help load and unload the dish washer, they can wash down cabinets and counter tops in kitchen. I have a 15 and 13 year old. They started having chores for as long as I can remember. trust me when I tell you a five year old can work very hard when they know that they have to get something done for a special treat like ice cream the 8 year old maybe an allowance. I work 3 days a week cleaning houses there are days I dont think i am going to be able to finish the house I am in. I come home and sit on the couch and even though I am so exhausted sometimes I cant sleep because I am in so much pain.My husband took a big pay cut and I have to work it is not an option. Yes it does take me a couple hours to grocery shop some days. becaus the fog is so thick I have to back track like a dozen or so times. I think you should definatly try to make it work for you for your wife and for your kids
Lee Ann
Posted 10/28/2008 6:34 PM (GMT 0)
Brett,
I skimmed thru this post and want to ask some things.
Is your wife on any pain medication, particularly prescription?
Does she take any SSRI antidepressants?
Does she take any supplements to help her with fatigue?
Does she suffer from Seasonal Afffected Disorder (S.A.D.)?

Do you ever just go and do things as a family such as a local museum or park, pumpkin shopping, apple picking, anything inexpensive and together?
Do you have any church affiliation that you use for emotional support?

Do the children know what fibro is and how much do they do as far as chores around the house go?

Fibro affects the whole family much the same as if your wife were blind or had lost the use of her legs. She is still your wife but the family needs to rally around and pitch in to make things work smoothly. Years ago when more families owned farms children as young as four had farm chores to do with animals depending upon them for food and water. Children will rise to the occasion if they are asked and being needed will instill a sense of usefulness in them. I'd recommend that the kids join in the family chores.

I'd also recommend that you explain to your wife your feelings of being overwhelmed by all the tasks in front of you and try to get her to explain her feelings to you. That way, with it all out on the table you can tackle this thing together and take it one step at a time. Baby steps... And also, while you are at it perhaps you could try to find ways to cut expenses more? Wish I could help more but a more complete picture will make it so we all can give better options to you.
Posted 10/29/2008 5:25 PM (GMT 0)
I am a wife with fibro. I do not ahve children at home, let that be clear first. I do what you are asking your wife to do. I also have Crohn's and lots of back damage. We own a shop and I help run that too. Now, I have days where I just cannot do it. But I keep them few and far between. I do our Ebay listings. This includes photographing, writing the description, packing and shipping. I also help with customers, and even fully run the shop alone while my husband is out painting and roofing.

I could not do this without heavy narcotics. But, I am a person who pushes through my pain. Not everyone is built that way. But, it may do her some good to help a little. It does give a sense of accomplishment.

I fully respect and honor her devotion to home schooling. I do hope you will not have to stop doing this. Children get so much more out of homeschooling. It is a wonderful thing that I wish I had done.
Posted 11/8/2008 2:34 AM (GMT 0)

Hello Brett,

I can empathize with your wife's pain and fatigue, as I have fibro as well.  But, I am of the mindset that engaging in life and remaining active is the best therapy for fibro...for the pain, fatigue and depression.

If your wife was previously an active person and Fibro knocked her down, she may just not realize that there is still a strong person inside of her.  It is easy to feel beat down by this thing.. it hurts!!  But, fighting through the pain and fatigue...getting up and getting involved..is what I have found to be the best treatment. 

I believe that your wife could help with at least some of the tasks that you need done.  If she were to start with one or two tasks, she may build up the confidence over time and eventually take on one or two more.  Focusing on taking picures and working on the internet will take the focus off the pain and fatigue.  This will only help her.

It sounds like you put a lot of effort into taking care of your family and making things easier on your wife by ordering pizza, etc. and managing your business.  It is easy to see why the both of you may be physically spent...you from managing your household / business and her from managing pain and fatigue.  I believe that her at least trying to help with the business will only do the both of you good.  On her good days, she can accomplish more.  On her not so good days, she can do less....but still something (even if only taking one photo).

I hope all works out for the both of you.  Please feel free to post again.

Take care,

Kerri

Posted 11/8/2008 5:15 AM (GMT 0)
Hey wait. You are rearing homeschoolers. They can help, mine did. Why any man would leave the woman and children he loved and move somewhere else I do not know. Go home.

Donnaeil
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