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Does He Know I am in a Flair? (vent)

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Posted 11/24/2008 3:35 AM (GMT 0)
I am wondering if my husband knows I am in pain & picks a fight because of that. It seems we only fight when I am hurting to the point that I can't fight. It's like he has a radar sense that picks up that I am weakened & then he picks that time to fight with me. It sucks! mad

It's bad enough that I have to feel this way, it is unbareable that I have to do it alone. I try to tell him how I feel and that I am in pain, all he hears is "don't touch me". He says he is afraid to touch me (because he will hurt me), but he won't take the time to find out what he could do to help me feel better or where he can touch me. cry

More & more I think that he is not the person I want to spend the rest of my life with, but I am a Christian & I do not believe in divorce (only if he cheated on me, then it's on him). sad

We have 1 child together & he is the only father my son (from another marriage) knows. We have been together for over 15 years (married 9).

What do I do??? confused

Posted 11/24/2008 4:56 AM (GMT 0)
Hi there, I am blowing you kisses of solidarity, I want you to put these in your pockets and when you need to squint your eyes and say "grrrrdRRR!", take some out and clow them in the air. They will gather around you and help you know love is around. I'll bet your post causes lots of nods, as in many of us can relate. I think that sometimes the men in our lives are great problem solvers, esp. at work, and wonder why their problem solving skills don't work at home, when they bark a command, they are used to it being followed to the letter and seeing results. :) I jest, but I'm serious at the same time. Maybe when this happens, you can take advantage of the moment and ask if there is another way he might try to tell you what is on his mind, rather than the fighting, because you don't understand that. I know it might sound crazy, but my massage therapist suggested it for me, and I tried it, and it diffused the situation quickly, because I didn't shout back or cry or scream, I just calmly stood my ground. That said, however, I would not want to see you staying in this situation if it is becoming abusive. Being Christian is wonderful, but I don't think that God meant you to follow Him by way of being abused to prove your faith in Him. Do you have any family that you can stay with for a few days? Can he go with you to the doc, and have the doc explain what you mean when you say you are in pain? That he may be translating "please be careful with me" as "don't touch me". I am with you, please let us know how you are, and remember we are all here for you. Peace!
Posted 11/24/2008 5:12 AM (GMT 0)
I am sorry that your husband messes with you while you are in a flare. There has to be a way to get through to him. What about having him read some about fibro, either on the internet or here. Can you talk to him about how you feel when you are flaring? Talk to him when both of you are in an open mood. You need to be honest and show how he makes you feel.

I am concerned that you are staying with him and are not happy. All of that can make your fibro worse. You might to have to make some changes for your health sake.

Keep posting
hugs, Karen
Posted 11/24/2008 6:16 AM (GMT 0)

Hi Mom,

I am sorry this is happening. It is tough to be with someone when you are not happy.  Do you think he would go to counseling with you?  Breathing is always helpful when you get stressed.   I don't believe in divorce either (but sometimes it is necessary).  I hope that you can solve this problem with your husband.

Gentle hug,

Sue

Posted 11/24/2008 3:01 PM (GMT 0)
Mom it is so hard for others to understand what we feel. Is he confused and frustrated about how you feel and maybe not showing it properly??? I try to put myself in my families shoes when it comes to fibro and if I didn't live in this body everyday with the pain and fatigue it would be very hard for me to understand how a person could feel like this.

 

Maybe there needs to be a fibro manual for our families. If someone could find the words to write all the symptoms and feelings out that everyone could understand. It is so very hard to describe what we are feeling. I know I'm at a loss for words sometimes in how to explain a pain to my DH.

 

Even though they may not understand it all I still think education is the best. Maybe have him come on here and read the post others write about how they feel so he knows it's not just you feeling these things.

 

Good luck

luv and hugs

Marlee

Posted 11/24/2008 4:23 PM (GMT 0)
Mominmich2: Print out the "Letter from Fibromyalgia, 3rd or 4th post on today's forum. It is so subjective. It might help. Also, although we may be toughing it out, trying to remain as functional as possible, dispite the pain and exhaustion, it is a reality that when mom is unhappy, everybody is unhappy. I take care of my aging Dad with Alzheimers, and sometimes when I hurt really bad, and he starts asking me all these questions, I can't respond. It is taking every shred of energy I can muster just to get the basics done, ie. cook, pay bills, housework, errands. I am short tempered sometimes. I know this and try to exit the situation when I feel really bad, b/c my Dad who is totally dependent on me for Everything, becomes very insecure when I can't respond, or can't solve a problem he's having. It probably feels like a threat to your husband that you are "pulling back" from him. Therefore he reacts with hostility, common when threatened. Occasionally, it helps to have a "Safe" word, one word that means "I love you to pieces, however, I am in pain and need a little time-out." Good luck. You and he must have something significant if you've been together for fifteen years. Don't however, accept the abuse. A wise lady told me "you get what you'll settle for".
Posted 11/24/2008 5:00 PM (GMT 0)

I have offered for him to go with me to my Rhumy appointments, but he "can't" for one reason or another. But I go with him to any/all dr appointments he has.

I don't know...some days are good and some just stink.

Sera Smiles said...
Hi there, I am blowing you kisses of solidarity, I want you to put these in your pockets and when you need to squint your eyes and say "grrrrdRRR!", take some out and clow them in the air. They will gather around you and help you know love is around. I'll bet your post causes lots of nods, as in many of us can relate. I think that sometimes the men in our lives are great problem solvers, esp. at work, and wonder why their problem solving skills don't work at home, when they bark a command, they are used to it being followed to the letter and seeing results. :) I jest, but I'm serious at the same time. Maybe when this happens, you can take advantage of the moment and ask if there is another way he might try to tell you what is on his mind, rather than the fighting, because you don't understand that. I know it might sound crazy, but my massage therapist suggested it for me, and I tried it, and it diffused the situation quickly, because I didn't shout back or cry or scream, I just calmly stood my ground. That said, however, I would not want to see you staying in this situation if it is becoming abusive. Being Christian is wonderful, but I don't think that God meant you to follow Him by way of being abused to prove your faith in Him. Do you have any family that you can stay with for a few days? Can he go with you to the doc, and have the doc explain what you mean when you say you are in pain? That he may be translating "please be careful with me" as "don't touch me". I am with you, please let us know how you are, and remember we are all here for you. Peace!

Posted 11/24/2008 7:12 PM (GMT 0)
I am sorry that you are fighting with hubby you say that the only time he picks a fight is when you are in a flare, Maybe he knows you are stressed, then he gets stressed and does not know what to do with the burden of the stress. I know that my husbands moods are definatley a spin from mine, When the kids have just about pushed me to the edge he swoops in and starts letting them know its enough with out me even saying a word. Maybe you should ask him and tell him that when you are in a flare that his mood must pick up on it and that he gets cranky and that you really need his patience at that point and time. Just a thought If you are really and truly un happy then you need to make a change.
Just my blundering thoughts.
LeeAnn
Posted 11/24/2008 10:21 PM (GMT 0)

We have tried counseling, but never really tackled the subject of my fibro. I stopped going because all we ever taled about was his issues (not mine).

Things are a little better today. He never actually apologizes, he just acts nicer.

I don't know what the answer is, but when I am in pain like that I just can't deal with him.

Statgeek said...

Hi Mom,

I am sorry this is happening. It is tough to be with someone when you are not happy.  Do you think he would go to counseling with you?  Breathing is always helpful when you get stressed.   I don't believe in divorce either (but sometimes it is necessary).  I hope that you can solve this problem with your husband.

Gentle hug,

Sue


Posted 11/24/2008 10:28 PM (GMT 0)
I would do that but he wouldn't believe me because I don't look like I am in that much pain & I don't look like I am having a hard time. He sees how I have an issue with remembering things when I am talking (like remembering what I was going to say next or what an object is called), so he knows there is a problem.

tyno3 said...
Mominmich2: Print out the "Letter from Fibromyalgia, 3rd or 4th post on today's forum. It is so subjective. It might help. Also, although we may be toughing it out, trying to remain as functional as possible, dispite the pain and exhaustion, it is a reality that when mom is unhappy, everybody is unhappy. I take care of my aging Dad with Alzheimers, and sometimes when I hurt really bad, and he starts asking me all these questions, I can't respond. It is taking every shred of energy I can muster just to get the basics done, ie. cook, pay bills, housework, errands. I am short tempered sometimes. I know this and try to exit the situation when I feel really bad, b/c my Dad who is totally dependent on me for Everything, becomes very insecure when I can't respond, or can't solve a problem he's having. It probably feels like a threat to your husband that you are "pulling back" from him. Therefore he reacts with hostility, common when threatened. Occasionally, it helps to have a "Safe" word, one word that means "I love you to pieces, however, I am in pain and need a little time-out." Good luck. You and he must have something significant if you've been together for fifteen years. Don't however, accept the abuse. A wise lady told me "you get what you'll settle for".

Posted 11/25/2008 4:11 AM (GMT 0)
Maybe you should write him a letter yourself and tell him how you feel. Then tell him that it hurts you when he picks on you when you are flaring.

There are other invisible diseases such as depression. That is a hard one whe people can't understand it.

I would go back to counseling and bring up the topic of yourself until it is discussed. You are going to have to do something or you are going to have a miserable life. You will either have to talk to him, show him some stuff off of the forum, or write him a letter explaining how you feel. If none of this, go back to counseling and make yourself be heard. This is the only way that it is going to get any better for you. You must act on something, or you are going to be very unhappy in your marraige.

Do you do any walking? It is such good exercise and it gives you time to sort things out in your mind. It losens up your muscles so that they aren't so tense. The tension causes more pain. I don't know why I brought this up, for some reason I guess. Fibrofog LOL... Walking has really helped me. I think that it would help you too. Please think about your own happiness in this relationship. But before you do anything, get the communication line open and clarify how you are feeling.

Best wishes

Hugs, Karen

PS I am in Michigan too. Lots of snow. Do you have any where you are?
Posted 11/25/2008 4:56 PM (GMT 0)

It is so strange that you suggest a letter, I just sent a huge email to him. I do walk daily (it has helped me lose over 30 lbs smilewinkgrin . I agree, it is excellent for my fibro but sometimes I still have a flare.

I went to my dr today (hubby knew I had an appointment this morning...too early for him to go with me of course) and when I got home...not a word about how my appointment went or anything. If he has to go to the dr, I am expected to go with him, but I guess that his health is the only important one (because HE works & I don't).

I just don't know........

getting by said...
Maybe you should write him a letter yourself and tell him how you feel. Then tell him that it hurts you when he picks on you when you are flaring.

There are other invisible diseases such as depression. That is a hard one whe people can't understand it.

I would go back to counseling and bring up the topic of yourself until it is discussed. You are going to have to do something or you are going to have a miserable life. You will either have to talk to him, show him some stuff off of the forum, or write him a letter explaining how you feel. If none of this, go back to counseling and make yourself be heard. This is the only way that it is going to get any better for you. You must act on something, or you are going to be very unhappy in your marraige.

Do you do any walking? It is such good exercise and it gives you time to sort things out in your mind. It losens up your muscles so that they aren't so tense. The tension causes more pain. I don't know why I brought this up, for some reason I guess. Fibrofog LOL... Walking has really helped me. I think that it would help you too. Please think about your own happiness in this relationship. But before you do anything, get the communication line open and clarify how you are feeling.

Best wishes

Hugs, Karen

PS I am in Michigan too. Lots of snow. Do you have any where you are?

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