Don't know how to talk to my husband, I'm tired!

My husband and I had a bout of marital trouble that began about a year and a half ago. At the time the trouble began we had been married for 15 1/2 years. Up until that point we had what I though was a wonderful marriage. We attended church together for many years but had stopped going about 6 or 7 years ago.

My oldest daughter became 12 and was able to babysit my 10 and 4 year old, and my husband went NUTS!!! He wanted to go out 4 and 5 days a week. Not just go out, but going to bars and clubs and hanging with a biker group (we have a bike but never hung out with these types of people, although they were very nice, it was just a lifestyle that we had not been accustomed to)

After the first week of going out every day I sat down with my husband and let him know that I did not want to continue this way and that this was not how our life had been up to this point, and that if this was the lifestyle he now wanted we could not do it together. And though he seemed to understand and be rational, every time he drank or I would say no, that I did not want to go out, it would be a major episode. Sometimes, and more often that not, it would last until 3 or 4 in the morning. Needless to say I believe this kicked my fibro into action. I became more tired and irritable, ache, and sick. The more I did not want to go the more he wanted to. In the meantime our kids were thrown into a life they had never experienced as well.

We went through many arguments, and threats of separation, even at one point I called the police because he was tearing through the house. He never became "physical" but emotionally it was overwhelming.

We are trying to repair the damage and have been for the past 5 or 6 months. He has slowed his drinking considerably. We try to still go out, not nearly as much as he would like, but we always end up in some sort of argument. Usually because he become emotional about past episodes, if I am tired and I would like to leave before 2 am, or if I just don't enjoy sitting at a bar, and it hurts to dance. I used to love dancing, on occasion, but I am so stiff! I don't know if we can ever recover and be "normal" again.

Now I have been diagnosed with fibro and as I stated in past postings, he is angry and resentful and in denial about this and the fact that it may change his lifestyle (he says ours, but this was never the true case).

I now work as an in-home day care provider and work 11 hours a day. I have a BA Degree in Elementary Education. I started work because I was fearful of not being able to care for myself and my three kids if something were to happen. I have now gotten to a point that I am so exhausted, and hurt all the time (some days are not as bad as others, but I always have some level of discomfort) I don't know how long I can keep this up.

I don't know how to talk to my husband and make everything "ok" again. I have tried MANY TIMES! We briefly went to a counselor, but that did not last long with him, plus we could not afford it. He is not for throwing our stuff out there. I have started attending church with my kids again for about 4 months now. He does not go and was actually extremely angry when I first started because it would "change" me.

Any advice or insight or anything would be greatly appreciated!

Hi Schnook,

and welcome. I'm sorry to hear all you're going through. Have you considered counseling for yourself? It sounds like a little outside help would be beneficial for you. I know you said you couldn't afford the couples counseling but most communities including possibly your church offer free counseling services. Alanon is another organization to look into. I know you said his drinking has "slowed down" but his behavior is concerning even if he isn't an alcoholic. I hope my suggestion won't be taken in the wrong light.

love and light,

Cynthia

Landa,

I'm glad that you've been thinking about it then. I really encourage you to get some counseling then even if it means offending him. You can always tell him its for you so you don't have to moan to him about how you're feeling and has nothing to do with his behavior towards you. Whether he buys that or not you need to take care of yourself.

light and love,

Cynthia

hi and welcome landa,

wow-it definitely sounds like you are having a very hard time of things right now. i am so sorry you're having issues with your husband. i would definitely second what cynthia said about seeking counseling for yourself through your church. perhaps you could talk directly to your minister/pastor/priest? i know that won't fix everything, but maybe having someone to talk through things in a positive, spiritual way might be just what you need to gain some new insight into the situation and maybe come up with a solution that will work for you?

i wish i had more input for you here, but these sorts of situations are so difficult to give advice on. marriage is so hard, isn't it? jeesh, if i'd known sometimes, you know?

anyway. i do sincerely hope you are able to find peace, friendship, and guidance at your church and hope things get better with your husband soon!

Marlee2 said...

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<FONT color=#800080>Marlee

Marlee,

Thanks for your input. I hope it doesn't sound sadistic or anything, but it's nice to hear that maybe the 15 year mark can be an issue for other couples. I feel that the whole non-baby thing and our child bearing years are finished plus the feeling that we need to make up for "lost time" may have some to do with it. I am 35 and he is soon to be 39. Our children are about to be 14, 11 and 5. I find myself feeling that these years are even more crucial for us to be greatly involved and devoted to our children. It is just not in me to let them go right now and have them learn on their own.

I pray that this season is almost over and we can begin a newer and refreshing chapter in our lives together. I hope that is possible after all the hurt!

Thanks for your time,

Landa

Oh Landa,

I wish you peace right now.  I agree with Marlee.  She's always very insightful.

I do think you should look into Alanon.  I've been in your shoes before and I attended many many Alanon meetings and learned A LOT!!!  Anyone who's "cutting back on drinking" HAS a drinking problem.  Its important to remember that your needs are just as important as his and above all, whether the kids are 14 days or 14 years old they need their parents and they need to be a priority until they leave home. (Even after in some cases)

You're stress will only compound your fibro and its tough to be in that situation.  Does your husband have any education about this dreadful syndrome?  Perhaps he needs to sit down and learn more so that he can understand your issues.

Again, I wish you all the best and hope you will find a positive course of action.

Patti

Okay, your husband is an alcoholic. You can do a search for the Alcoholics Anonymous website and the Al Anon one. All alcoholics are offended when their spouses, friends and/or relatives tell them they have a drinking problem.

You are correct when you say your children need you. In fact, having an alcoholic parent is terribly damaging for children.

There is a series of books titled, "Getting Them sober," that is phenomenal. I highly recommend it.

Patti suggested that you go to AlAnon, it is free, they have excellent books for you to read to understand his disease and you will make very close and supportive friends. Your children can attend Al Ateen.

Mind you, anything you do to make yourself better will infuriate your husband. But if you do not change your life, your children will suffer permanent damage. there is a saying, "A family member is not allowed to be healthier than the sickest alcoholic in that family." They are sick and it is emotionally abusive.

Ou are going through a very hard time. I understand, I have been there.

Do something nice for yourself every single day. In addition, contact your local domestic violence hotline. They have private support groups tha you can attend. Everything will be in secret. In addition, they have family shelters for emergency protection.

It is suggested that you have an escape plan at all times. A seperate hidden bank account, colothing in a bag, things like that.

Oh, the nightime arguements are hurting you and your children. Take care and protect you and your family. Let his drinking be his problem. Al Anon will show you how to not even argue with him and go anout your life.

Take care, keep in touch

Donnaeil

P.S. alcoholics are very controlling and VERY jealous of other relationships we foster. Even our children. I could never quite get that but man it is true. Just food for thought. Patsie

Hi Landa,

I was with my husband from the age of 17 too. I fully understand. The day my son left for college I left too. Had no family support but I did it..... I like you had a good education and learned how very much I was capable of. Please write me anytime. I am so thinking of you. Bless those children. Patsie