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Posted 1/21/2009 7:07 PM (GMT 0)
Hi everyone,

It's been a while since I've written.  I have been in a bad state of mind even though I have so much of my life/fibro under control.  After being diagnosed in December of 2007, I quit my full-time job and am currently working for a one Doctor office about 30 hours a week.  I decreased my stress load and I have to tell you it made a major difference in my anxiety/panic and ultimately my pain. 

I did find myself falling into a pattern of naps after work which I felt I needed so much and thought that my entire family, including my husband supported.  Within the year I gained 10 pounds and have been effected/depressed by my diagnosis and I litterally just found a PCP that would take me.  A year and a month later I met with a new Doctor on Monday who seems to be accepting and willing to help me.

Now to my marriage two weeks ago my husband told me that he doesn't feel that chemistry with me that a husband and wife should have.  I have to tell you that I was absolutely destroyed be this.  He has been my world and my best friend since we met.  We have been married for a seven and a half years.  I thought my marriage was one that would make it through anything.  I adored him, praised him, complimented him and enjoyed him fully and in every way.  We have very little sex and that has never been on the top of my list and frankly I thought that it wasn't on the top of his.  I cried, yelled, told him I hated him for rocking my world and my girls.  He and I are both in our second marriage and we have 5 children between the two of us (12 to 18).  I have noticed for a while that he's been distant and I describe him as going through a mid life crises.  Well, I'm pissed about that.  What is this mid life crises crap and why did he marry me if he wasn't attracted?  Is it the fact that I'm ill over weight and sleep too much.  He and I have never had everything in common, but he bought I boat and although I go I don't ski, he and I like camping, but he complains that I'm not into activities that he is, yet he doesn't do these things and in trying recently to snow ski and water ski he broke a wrist, cracked a rib and I'm thinking he's angry with himself for not being as young as he'd like to be.  I'm easy to blame for him not getting out there. 

I have been working out regularly to lose the weight, sort of starving myself and cut out my naps.  We have an appointment with a marriage councelor, but this has made me look at him differently now.  I want a life long partner that loves me 10 pounds lighter or over and I want someone who would understand my illness and the alterations to my life.  As far as sex goes.  He has done nothing to attempt romance.  I assume he wants me to rock his world, but now knowing he's lost the chemisty, possilbly never had it, I'm very learly of tring to attempt romance for fear of rejection.l

Help me!!!  Give me advice, disagree with my view or whatever!  JUST REPLY!  I'm feeling a very lost.

Love,

Tricia

Posted 1/21/2009 7:32 PM (GMT 0)

Oh, Tricia, I have been wondering where you had gone! I am so sorry that you are going through this, you poor thing! I cannot imagine how badly you must feel - or how scared and disappointed.

I think lack of sex can be a big part it. Men need sex to feel close to their partners. Women tend to be the other way around...they need to feel close first, then they want sex. Men need the sex to connect, then they feel close. When there is lack of sex, I think problems within the marriage can appear worse.

I don't want to give you any more feedback or advice yet- I want to go and think about this for a while, ok? I will write more later.

I can say that I truly don't believe it is the 10 pounds, so please stop beating yourself up over that.

Big Hugs,

Kerri


Posted 1/21/2009 7:55 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Tricia,

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I have no advice, but wanted to let you know that I do care.

I hope that you can get your relationship back to where it was. I just can't understand your husband's way of thinking. Actually this makes me angry.

Please don't blame yourself, I think it is him. You are a special person with a big heart. You deserve better than this.

Luv and hugs, Karen
Posted 1/21/2009 8:02 PM (GMT 0)
Oh boy, Tricia!  I've heard this story before.  All I can say is it's pretty crummy.

 

First of all, stop blaming yourself.  You have done absolutely nothing wrong.  You are living with chronic pain and fatigue but yet are running a household and working to boot!  So what if you need a nap!  He needed a boat and that cost a lot more than a few moments of sleep!  And only ten pounds overweight?  I was ten pounds overweight within the first three months of my marriage!  So, please don't blame yourself.  You are a good, loyal person.  This isn't really about you. 

 

Now don't get me wrong.  I'm not implying that your husband hasn't been loyal.  But, he probably is suffering from some depression.  As men get older many of them just can't age gracefully.  They see their "machoism" heading out the door.  They look at their life and realize it's "passing them by."  Yeah, I don't get it either.  We women see the same thing but we also value our investment in our marriages.  Anyway, men are just so different.  Try to understand where he is coming from.

 

You don't hate him either.  I'm sorry you got angry and said that.  That can make matters worse.  I know I'd apologize for saying that.  You don't hate him but you hate what he said to you and how it made you feel.  You acted out in anger...hence saying what you said.  

 

He is attracted to you or he wouldn't have married you in the first place.  After all, he'd been married before so he had a better idea what he was looking for and you fit the bill.  But, this is depression, I believe, caused by his "midlife" evaluation.  Men seem to think the grass is greener on the other side of the fence.  We all know that isn't true. 

 

It's so difficult because we reach an age where we start going in different directions.  The key is to let your spouse know where you are headed so that you both can go there together.  If they don't want to go in that direction, find a direction that is pleasing to both of you.  Marriage is work...there is no doubt about it.  You have to let the ego go and work together...both of you.

 

Two people from different backgrounds are never alike.  Even twins are not alike.  We all have differences with our spouses.  The key is to work together and have the give and take.  You are probably doing that already but your husband wants more "take" than "give".  Remember that no one is perfect.  There are things that he does that probably irritate you but you have been able to overlook them.  He probably will tell you of things you do that irritate him.  You both have to work together to come together in the middle.

 

If I were you I would just keep working with him.  Let him know you love him and I think you will also find out more of what is going on during the counseling sessions.  Continue with your job, your running the household, and even your naps!  The "normalcy" will be comforting to your children.  Don't starve yourself for him, either.  If YOU want to lose the weight, do it in a sensible manner..just for yourself.  If he sees that you are jumping through hoops for him, more "demands" could be made.  It's good to try to change things that bother each other but that is a two way street...not one way/one person only.  If he starts an argument, look pleasant and confident and tell him you are not open to that.  That when he calms down, you will be more than willing to sit down and have a level-headed discussion with him.  Be in control of yourself and show confidence.  If he values the marriage he will be willing to work with you to come to a happy medium. 

 

It kind of sounds like he is in the "me-me" mode.  He's only thinking of himself.  I'm sure he hasn't been Prince Charming all of those years, either.  I think you'll find out more in the counseling that will help you too.  It's a good sign that he's even willing to do that!  If he really didn't care, a team of wild horses wouldn't be able to drag him to a counselor if he's like most men I have known.  So, stay strong, confident, and in control of yourself.  He won't know what to do!  He probably expects you to absolutely fall apart without him.  That won't happen and the strength will probably be very attractive to him.  Hope this helps.  I'm not a counselor.  I'm just voicing my opinion and what I would do in this situation.

 

Sherrine     

Posted 1/21/2009 8:28 PM (GMT 0)
Oh gosh you poor thing! I can't imagine what that would be like.
But others have said it well - don't blame yourself. But don't blame him either. Him saying you don't have the same "chemistry" or whatever may just have been his was of expressing his grief over the change in you. (Not the weight, just the illness I mean.) There is a grieving process that both we, and our spouses, go through - whether we recognize it or not. My husband had to go through the loss of me sleeping with him in the same bed cuz he kept waking me up at night and then I'd be up for hours on end.

The marriage counsellor, if s/he's a good one, will help you both to express your feelings more clearly and OWN them, rather than projecting feelings of grief onto the other.

I wish you all the best
Posted 1/21/2009 8:38 PM (GMT 0)
Sherrine,

You are really good at this.  I so needed to hear what you wrote.  I have to say that these replies have helped me to feel better.  I do believe that he's in a depression, but it's hard to remain strong when you are feeling he isn't in love as you thought he was.  I do believe that remaining in control and not allowing this to devistate me is what I have to do for my sanity and my two girls that live with us.  I hope to understand more of what's in his head at counceling and yet on the other hand I'm preparing myself to be let down.  Why is it ok that men drop bombs like this and yet if the table was turned, he could be diagnosed with anything and I would have stood by him without any question.  Now I'm so hurt that I question my ability to get over this.

Thank you all for your thoughts.  I truely appreciate you and your willingness to share your oppinions.  Women never let me down.  I'm greatful to be raising two awesome girls.

Sincerely,

Tricia

 

Posted 1/21/2009 8:43 PM (GMT 0)

Ladies.....

I will try and give a Man's perspective to this......These are not my views, but I will try and let you into a man's mind.

Men do not know how to "nurse" a sick loved one. We do our best to fix things and get you what you need. When we are sick we tend to withdraw and heal, so when our woman gets sick we withdraw and let them heal. Through this withdrawal you become less attractive to us. This is forced in order to tame our own hormonal needs while you are sick. Men generally do not want to have sex with their wife when she is ill. If you are in a flare and are ill or fatigued continuously, then the man stays withdrawn. The less sex we have with our wife the more withdrawn we become...sooner or later resentment starts to set in....

Kerri is absolutely right about a couple things ( I applaud your insight into the male mind!!:) )

"Women tend to be the other way around...they need to feel close first, then they want sex. Men need the sex to connect, then they feel close." (Kerri)

It is good that he has talked to you about the lack of chemistry because that means he still has interest in making things right. It is not easy for a man to say that and is his cry for help. Many men would go outside the marriage for the chemistry that he needs. You two need to have an honest discussion about what is going on. You need to resolve the sex issue seperately. He needs to know that his needs will be taken care of and that you understand how he feels. After he has disregarded the sex issue you can discuss the things that you need as a couple.

Never let a man feel attacked or he will withdraw. Always let a man withdraw and he will not go as far into his cave and after a bit he will be open to talking again. You can not expect a man to be instantly ready to talk about emotional issues. You must slowly guide him into these discussions and allow him to address his emotions. 

DO NOT USE HIS WORDS AGAINST HIM OR HE WILL NOT PROVIDE YOU WITH ANY MORE AMMUNITION

DO NOT ISSUE ULTIMATUMS OR YOU WILL BE DISAPPOINTED WITH THE OUTCOME

DO NOT ACT LIKE SEX IS A FAVOR YOU DO FOR HIM .... IT IS NOT EASY FOR A MAN TO NOT HAVE CONTROL OF HIS SEX LIFE

I have to get some work done or I would keep going... I hope that I was able to help in any way....feel free to ask questions. I am pretty straight forward and never mind giving my opinion.... :) 

Posted 1/21/2009 8:51 PM (GMT 0)
Jo,
Thanks for that. I don't know how Tulips will read it, or if I will help her. But just to let you know that it has helped ME to see a few things from "his" side. My husband is supportive, but I do notice that he's the most content if he can run to the drugstore for me for Tylenol or a new hot water bottle. "Moral support" is more difficult. Even just keeping me company by watching TV together seems harder for him that retreating when I'm sickest. Interesting insights you have.
Posted 1/21/2009 10:32 PM (GMT 0)
Tricia, I wasn't able to read all of everyone else's posts to you, I'm having a little problem consentrating today - I'm in horrible pain, so forgive me if I repeat anything someone else has said... BUT first off, let me say that I feel for you, I really really do, I am SORRY.. My husband is everything to me and if that happened between us, I'd be in bad shape... so I really am sorry that you have to go through this. BUT in my opinion, you don't need to "starve yourself" to lose weight when that might not even be the reason why he is feeling this way... it probably is not the reason actually!! Even if you LOST 10 pounds, he'd probably still be feeling this way, maybe due to your sex life... men feel the need for intimacy in a relationship, especially a marriage.. exactly what Kerri told you: men need sex in order to feel close, not like women, we need to feel close usually and then the sex!

PLEASE don't think it is your fault though!!!! It seems he simply is just thinking of himself. You should think truly about what will make YOU happy.. don't get yourself worked up, or change your eating habits now, because it may just make your Fibro flare up and make matters A WHOLE LOT WORSE.

Tell yourself that you ARE GOOD ENOUGH, because I know that you are feeling like you're not.. and that's not the case!!!!!

______________________________________________

21 years old

Fibromyalgia, Bipolar Disorder, OCD, Irrational fears

Posted 1/21/2009 11:02 PM (GMT 0)
Gee, my husband and I must have lived on a different planet!   smilewinkgrin   Yes, sex is one part of a marriage but it shouldn't be the main part of a marriage...something that would cause your spouse to throw in the towel!

 

My husband and I loved being together and doing things together.  We didn't always like the same things.  He loved playing golf...I hated it.  I only played if he couldn't find another partner to play with.  We were looking forward to retirement so we could enjoy life together and work wouldn't separate us. 

 

Sex wasn't a huge issue for him or for me.  Our marriage was a partnership.  We had common goals, morals, our children, etc. and that, along with some give and take, kept our marriage humming.  It wasn't what happened in the bedroom.

 

I know I'm glad that we found each other and had many good years together.  They were not always perfect and we had our trials, just like everyone  has but we talked and worked things out and headed in the right direction.  Tricia, I know  you will get some of your questions answered when the counseling starts.  Meanwhile, if you want to talk, don't hesitate to email me.

 

Sherrine

 

Posted 1/22/2009 12:01 AM (GMT 0)
I really think that the counseling is going to help you both. Be as open as you can and honest. Try to get as much out on the table as possible. This will work out. Don't give up and most of all, don't blame yourself.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 1/22/2009 12:45 AM (GMT 0)

Sorry to hear that.  I know how much it hurts when it feels like a relationship is falling apart.

And I can't let Jokat go it alone here.  I'm pretty hesitant here to buy into the "mid-life crisis" thing.  I've seen it cause some strange things, but I suspect it's more about depression and monotony of a routine that never changes.  During the counseling, bring up the subject of depression (probably you both are).  Ask him if he feels bored - and what would change that.  Finding things that would break up his routine might help a lot.

Just my own experience in these things -  I think sex is usually not the real issue - it's a symptom.  If you'll take care of the other things in the relationship, the sex will pretty much take care of itself.  Just my experience with a poor relationship that didn't work out and a good one.

And remember - someone has to be willing to take a chance and reach out to the other.  And yes, we are vulnerable and risk rejection.  But it has to be done to break down the barriers that are forming.  If one of you doesn't do it, things will continue to get worse.

I don't know.  I just seems like marriage is one of those things where either you're growing together or you're growing apart.  With the additional health challenges, hopefully you'll find a new way to grow together.

I tend to have "non-standard" views on most things, but I hoped this has helped in some small way..

 

Posted 1/22/2009 1:13 AM (GMT 0)

Thank you all so much!  Hearing other views has helped me to see that he might just be going through something and we just might be able to work through it.  I'm holding on to hope for our counceling session.  I do know that I can't fall into a living coma because of my Fibro and this scare has helped me to realize I too can improve my quality of life so that I remain true to myself and the person that he fell in love with.  I do know that this is an issue that he needs to work through, but it takes two to make a marriage work and I'm in it to win it.  I just hope he is to.

Thank you again,
Tricia

Posted 1/22/2009 2:07 PM (GMT 0)
Good advice from Dr. Phil:

The only person you can fix or control is you. The two of you need to have an honest discussion about what each of you feel is lacking in your marriage. The other needs to agree to do their part by listening and making sure that their behavior is not contributing to what ails the relationship.

When my wife and I get into a bad stretch, we sit down and talk it over. We then agree to drop the baggage and move forward with each of us controlling our part and actively reaching out to the other. This will only work if you drop what has happened previously and move ahead. You can not fix it if you carry the old into the new.
Posted 1/22/2009 2:24 PM (GMT 0)

Before my husband and I were together, he was engaged to someone who, about 8 months into their relationship, 'came down' w/ Fibro & CFS.

I remember him saying that it was like watching a death, in a way. The woman he fell in love with changed into someone he no longer recognized. He never once blamed her, but the truth was he went through a loss too because of the illness. He felt helpless, felt he could not take care of her. Nothing he could do could take away her pain or fatigue and that made him feel like he was not a useful partner. Sex became almost non-existent and they grew apart. He said something that I will never forget, "People who are sick think that they are the only ones who suffer. They don't appreciate that their partners suffer too, often in silence to remain strong."

I'm sharing this story to show what some spouses/partners go through when they watch their loved-ones suffer. Neither you nor your husband is wrong or insensitive or unloving. He is reaching out to you, trying to share his true feelings. Although it is so difficult to hear (I would be devistated too if my husband were to have that talk with me), it is good that he is opening up and letting you in. I think it's important to be open to hearing this from him, no matter how difficult it may be. It's the only way you two can move toward healing.

I think it's wonderful that Jokat was able to share such wonderful insight into the male mind. It seems, from your recent post, that this insight did help you. It helped me too, by reinforcing what I already knew to be true about my own husband. :)

I wish you all the best, Tricia. I'm so sorry for your troubles. I really hope that, through counseling, you two are able to find a way through this.

Kerri

Posted 1/22/2009 5:31 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Tricia,

I'm so sorry for the pain you're going through...I know the hurt very well. Many of those same symptoms and comments were present in my ex...and for him he was having an affair. Tricia...it's NOT you! And whether or not he is involved with someone else the problem lies in him. You and I both know that 10# or water skiing or any other kind or 'fun' as just excuses for him to focus the blame anywhere but on himself. Please don't lower yourself to trying to 'please' him. I tried that and it was the most devastating, and may I say stupid, thing I could have done. Afterwords his comment was, "I just did that to see if there were any more feelings for you...and there aren't". Never let another person do something like that to you.

You are a wonderful person who deserves respect and to be treated with honesty. I'm guessing he's not being honest about what's really going on. Hopefully more will come out in counseling and I'm sure it will. Councilors see right through anything he may try to pull. They've seen it all.

In my case I was happy to see him go because I was in a miserable and abusive marriage. I was naive' and this was finally a way out after 20 years of misery. For you this has to be the most painful thing you can endure, but you will survive. If he doesn't love you and/or wants someone else, losing weight or trying to 'satisfy' him isn't going to do anything but degrade you. Please keep your head up high and respect yourself! We do and we care about you. Please keep in touch and feel free to email.

Love and hugs,
Chutzie
Posted 1/22/2009 5:51 PM (GMT 0)

Wow..*starts passing out honorary PHD's in Counseling and Philosophy* this is an amazing thread.

tulip,I'm so sorry for this suffering..I understand so well,Steve and I are almost to the point ya'll are(sans boat..lol)not really fighting but I can feel something brewing,and its a bit malevolent.And as far as the sex goes...I can see his point,I was a very sexual woman before this...but after this mess took hold,I had to hang up my hand cuffs.... devil smilewinkgrin   and if I could handle it, I would love nothing better than to hole up in a hotel in the Smokies for about 4 days and be able to flat tear him up....*sighs*

and fat?!I've gained 20lbs.in the last year...I'm almost 6ft tall but my belly is atrocious...only to the painter Rubin would I be considered hot....*double sigh*

Posted 1/22/2009 7:53 PM (GMT 0)
The ten pounds gained has nothing to do with anything.

about a year ago my wife and I had a talk where she revealed that she had mourned the loss of her JoJo (my nickname). That was my first real "AHA" moment when I realized how my fibro was truly affecting her. Since that moment I have made it a point to live, work, and love through the pain. I quit all of the meds that contributed to my fatigue, I have found new ways to motivate myself, and I quit complaining. I have the inner strength to will myself into a positive mood and before long it gets easier and easier. I do not nap, sleep late, or make excuses for not doing things. I push myself to be as much of the old JoJo as I can be. I purposely pay extra attention to my wife because I want her to know that "IT" is not her. That is what alot of our loved ones believe, they think that we have lost interest in them, do not want to do things with them, or are upset with them. Everyone internalizes it to their detriment.

"It's not the load that breaks you down, it's the way that you carry it."

PS- January 5th I started the low carb diet and have lost 8 pounds........ and my pain has lessened.......coincidence maybe or maybe not.
Posted 1/22/2009 8:11 PM (GMT 0)
This is a wonderful post, Jokat!  You really are special!  I'm sure your wife knows how much you love her.

 

I'm glad you are losing weight on the low carb diet.  I lost 85 pounds doing that!  Losing the weight helped me move better and moving better made me more active.  The extra activity has helped overall with the pain.  I'm glad you are getting good results, too!  Thanks for sharing.

 

Sherrine

Posted 1/22/2009 8:27 PM (GMT 0)
Tricia: Remember "in sickness and in health"?? Sounds like your husband needs to be reminded...

you didn't ask for this, and no, he didn't either.

But, he did make a covenant with you. Love is a decision, and he needs to decide to love you through this, and you him, as no amount of chemistry can overcome the health issues you BOTH have in front of you.

I wish you well, and pray that you both will come through this difficult time, together.
Posted 1/22/2009 8:44 PM (GMT 0)

"It's not the load that breaks you down, it's the way that you carry it." (Jokat)

Wow, Jokat, I cannot tell you how much your post moved me. That was really wonderful. I have no doubt that it will help many people on here.

 

Posted 1/22/2009 9:18 PM (GMT 0)
Tricia, I'm so sorry you are going through this but the info you have gotten has been amazing. It's even made me think about a few things today. I think I sometimes spend too much time dwelling on my problems and need to dwell on Ken more. I'm so glad our men have spoken up on this.

 

I always think about the old couple that had been married for 75 yrs and when someone asked them what the secret to their long marriage was she spoke up and said, "we never fell out of love at the same time". I think that pretty much says it all.

 

luv and hugs

Marlee

Posted 1/23/2009 3:23 AM (GMT 0)

Wow... you are all so great.  We went to our first counceling session today.  A man councelor listened to our story, my husband explained that he's lost that chemistry you feel for a wife.  I said, that I think he's going through a mid life crises of a sort.  The man told us that he thinks my husband's expectations of marriage is unrealistic.  I have to say even though I was some what relieved to hear it, I still watched his face... thinking, but I still lost that chemistry... what about that?

I do need to work out and get healthy.  I don't want fibro to take over my life and change who I am.  So, I will work on me and we will go to counceling and if I end up feeling better about myself then great.  If we break up at least I'll look good single.  Just kidding!!!

I felt better after our session, my husband said, he felt a bit ganged up on.  We have an appointment next week.  We'll see how it goes.

All your comments have helped me tremendously.  I have especially appreciated Jokat's posts.  Part of me wants to open up his head and see what the heck he's thinking and the other part of me wants to smack his head.

I'll keep you posted and all comments are welcome!

Hugs,
Tricia

Posted 1/23/2009 4:04 PM (GMT 0)
Of course he feels ganged up on.  No one is agreeing with him and he wants to put the blame on you!  I think it's great you had a male counselor.  If you had a female one he could point to that and say the women are sticking together.  What you really may have seen on his face was some confusion since a male counselor was basically in your court.  I think he will be reexamining his thought patterns now.

 

I'm glad you are feeling a little better and everything does work for the good.

 

Sherrine

Posted 1/23/2009 5:44 PM (GMT 0)
Sherrine is right on here!!! Often people go to counselors for validation of their 'side' of the story. When it doesn't happen they are not at all happy and turn to blaming any and everyone around them. That's a patter my ex took in life...when he did something 'wrong' his first move was to throw blame in every direction. Part of it was a camouflage so no one would see what HE was doing. The louder he was about something the more it was obvious that he was guilty of the same sin.

Hang in there...you're doing awesome!
Chutzie
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