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I dont know if I can handle it!!!!

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Posted 1/27/2009 8:38 PM (GMT 0)

Ok here's the deal.  On Febuary 23rd my daughter is going in for cosmetic surgery.  She is spending the night of the surgery in a motel near the hospital and will come home the next day.  I am supposed to go to her house the day of the surgery to start taking care of her 4 kids.  My duties while there are

 

Get the kids up and ready for school each day including making thier breakfast and make sure they are dressed and do the girls hair and make sure they are dressed and then a nieghbor will pick them up to take them to the bus stop.

 

The younger girl doesnt go to school till later for pm kindergarten so she leaves at 12 pm so I have to give her lunch before she leaves.

 

My duties around the house will be doing laundry for all six family members daily.  Mopping thier large kitchen and entry way each day.  Vacumming the whole 2,200 sq foot home each day.  making sure all the dishes are done and the counters wiped at all times.

 

Making all the meals for all 6 of them each day.  Clean both bathrooms every other day.  Take care of thier 5 cats including feeding them and keeping the litter boxes clean.  KNowing my son in law I will be taking care of my daughter which means helping her to the bathroom and bathing and bringing her meals.

 

They have a special needs toddler with a feeding tube so I will have to give her meds through her tube when the nurse isnt there as well as flushing her tube and setting up her tube feeds all of which I do not know how to do now but will be taught when I get there.  I will also have to set up a tube feed in the middle of the night and make sure Kirsten is changed at that time as she will pee through everything if not changed during the night.

 

I need to bathe all 4 kids nightly.  And helop with any homework.  My son in law has made it clear during my daughters recouperation time he will be doing nothing to help specially with housework.  So after spending 5 days out there and coming back home I will need to take the bus out there every other day to do housework for several weeks.

 

There will be no naps during the day if I had a bad night as there will be children to take care of and chores to do,I am hoping my doctor will put me on Provigil(sp) to help keep me awake during the day.  Normally I dont vacuum or mop floors at my own home due to pain let alone making sure every surface is dusted and wiped and my daughters home is twice the size of my apartment.  She doesnt have any other family or friends that can come in to work,I wont say help because I will be doing it all.  And for the grand total of 20 dollars a day.  Thats why my son in law says he shouldnt help out because thats what I'm getting paid for!!!  He had said that he would take care of Barb but I cant see him helping her at all as his way of thinking is he works out of the home and its not his job to do anything once he gets home.  I am seriously panicking.  My daughter has ADHD and her home is spotless most of the time and she acts like she expects the same for when I am there.  Omg normally I would never even agree to attempt taking care of all the kids and I have never been in charge of taking care of Kirstens special needs!!

 

It is making nme sick to my stomach each day thinking about what is coming next month,I am so scared I wont be able to handle all of this.  My daughter acts like its no big deal because she doesnt have anyone else to count on but omg she knows what my life is like here at home.  I not only have the fibro but multiple other chronic pain things and me overdoing at home can put me in a terrible flare and I will be doing all the things that put me in a flare for 5 straight days!!! I mean forget the money issue,I wouldnt be doing this if I didnt love my daughter and grandkids but ya it was rather insulting when they make 60 thousand dollars a year and that doesnt count his military bonuses during the year and the 10 grand they get back in taxes each year and they offer me 20 bucks a day?  Gee I wonder how much a babysitter for 5 days and a housekeeper and cook would cost? but that isnt worth talking about with them because her hubby already thinks its a whole lot of money yet he spends more on a motor bike part in one day.

 

I guess I will just have to push through pain and fatigue while there,what else can I do ?  Just really not looking forward to that week.

 

Soft Hug's,

Karen

Posted 1/27/2009 9:00 PM (GMT 0)

Karen, Here is a word I have learned in the past few years that has helped me immensely:  NO!!!!

I am sorry but I can't even imagine them asking you knowing your medical history.  If this was a life saving surgery then I probably would have a whole different answer.  Not that you should do it all but help.  But this is cosmetic, elective, not necessary surgery.  If they can't afford to pay someone to come in & help, then she shouldn't be doing it.

You are living in your own home & have your own necessary things that need done.  Your lazy SIL needs to take care of his own responsibilities, this is his wife, his kids & his home.  All his responsibilities.   Please don't be guilted into doing this.  Please think of yourself.  They can afford to pay someone to do even part of the stuff that needs to be done.  I say for $20.00 you should say you will get the kids off to each of their schools & then go home for the day.  When you daughter is home then they can hire someone to care for her & the children if your Lazy SIL won't do it.  Yes the 20.00 was an insult, no one else would do it for that so lets get "Mom".  No way & if you need me to I will be there in a flash to back you up. Please, please, please say No & think of yourself because believe me, they are not thinking of you, just themselves.  Very Selfish people.  I know she is your daughter & you love her, I love each of my children dearly, but I have laid down the law & have quit being the fill in & the free or cheap helper.   Let me know if you need some help with this.  I will write them a letter telling them "NO".  I am so good at it now.  Many, many gentle hugs, Denise 

Posted 1/27/2009 9:07 PM (GMT 0)
There is no way I'd become a slave for anyone.  They can hire a nanny and a cleaning lady.  I'd love to see them do that for 20 bucks a day!  Just say NO!  If you go through with this, you will be USED over and over again.  I guess that's going to be your choice.  Think long and hard before you go.  You do have time to back out.  You have a chronic illness and they are only thinking of themselves.

 

Sherrine

Posted 1/27/2009 10:23 PM (GMT 0)
Adults who can arrange a surgery and can also come up with a plan for taking care of the kids. I mean besides taking the easy way out and saying "Only grandma can do it."

My opinion is the same as what Denise and Sherrine are saying. Just say "No." You'll feel guilty for 15 minutes or so, get over it, and save yourself a lot of stress and anxiety. They are putting you into a really unfair and unreasonable position.
Posted 1/27/2009 11:06 PM (GMT 0)
Absolutely. And I'm appalled at your son in law. This isn't like grabbing the best seats on a bus: a person can't just declare he's going to do nothing and dump all the work on another person. This is HIS wife, HIS home, HIS children... and therefore HIS responsibility.

Stand up for yourself. Protect your health. Say no. After all, will they be coming to take care of your and your house if you go into a terrible flare because of this?

Ivy.
Posted 1/27/2009 11:57 PM (GMT 0)
i have to agree with everyone else on this one. say NO!!!! this is WAY too much to ask someone with your health concerns to do, especially for an elective surgery. i'd tell them-hey, either SIL helps me out, or you'll have to just find someone else. there is no excuse for him not helping out his wife in THEIR home with THEIR kids! your daughter made the choice to marry him and makes the choice daily to put up with him if he won't help out, but YOU don't have to put up him!

i will be praying that you find the strength to tell them no here. it just doesn't sound like something you need to be doing!

{{{{{hugs}}}}}
Posted 1/27/2009 11:57 PM (GMT 0)
QTKaren,omg.OK...I know you love your daughter,but..there is no way on Gods green earth in your condition I would let somebody take advantage of you in such a fashion.That has to be the most ridiculos thing I have ever heard.I'm sure your daughter needs your help,but that husband needs to be smaked upside the head.If hes not goingto help,is it because he doesn't want her to have this surgery?Good Grief....my mother would laugh in my face and tell me to get bent if I came at her with such a request.You are a good personand don't deserve to be treated as such.Slavery was outlawed 100 yrs ago.

(wanders off muttering,"20dollars a day....")

Posted 1/28/2009 2:50 AM (GMT 0)
This is very interesting to me. First off, if it's cosmetic surgery, couldn't it wait until a more convenient time, like when the SIL takes his vacation time to take care of the house and kids? Secondly, my mom just had both knees replaced and she watches my 2 year old for me during the day. We worked it out. My dad took the first week off from work to be with her and my sister and I alternated taking sick days to watch my daughter. During this time having a spotless house was secondary, besides mom was too doped up to know the difference between a dust bunny and a bottle of bleach! My point is, once you get married it is no longer your parent's responsibility to take care of your needs. Isn't that the point of a spouse in the first place? It sounds like you need to set limits with them. Offer to help to the extent that you feel comfortable, but all of the stress it is putting on you right now will cause a flare. It also sounds as if your daughter and SIL don't understand fibro. My one last bit of advise for you is to be honest with your daughter and tell her NO! She should know better than to ask such a huge favor ($20 a day makes it a favor!) knowing the physical condition you are in.
Posted 1/28/2009 3:24 AM (GMT 0)

I'm with the rest on this. Just tell her that you are in no shape yourself to handle everything that they are asking. (they should already know this) You may feel bad and they may make you feel bad, but it will pass and they'll get over it.

If this was an emergency and they had no time to line anyone up, then it would be different, but even then I would say to find others to come in and take turns on helping out.

They still have time to line someone up. Maybe a cleaning service to come in when they want & someone for the kids and meals. Don't let yourself feel like you have to do it. With all of the worrying you are doing over this, you're going to end up in a flare!

Please call your daughter and explain to her that you are in no way able to do it all and that they will have to get someone else. You can always go over and visit with your daughter when she gets home and maybe help your grandkids do homework or something, or just go over and visit. Just do what you feel like doing and then you can go home and rest in your own bed.

I sure hope it all works out for you. Don't let anyone make you feel like this is something you should do!

Hugs!!  Margie

Posted 1/28/2009 5:18 AM (GMT 0)
He sounds like a total you know what and she should not of put this on you.  You Must say No.  You cant do it physically anyways, no matter how good your intentions or how hard you try.  I cant vacuum or mop my place , my husband does it occaisonally as needed. This is not your problem, they obviously dont understand your needs at all.  Please say no.    sue2z

Posted 1/28/2009 9:05 AM (GMT 0)
Karen, after reading your post I agree with you that this stressful situation has great potential for harming your health. Perhaps there is as middle ground that you can offer- maybe you can help each day with something small but significant- helping with homework before dinner and helping get the baths started. Then you go home while their Dad finishes the bath and does the bedtime thing. HOWEVER, I would not agree to a thing until you have a firm commitment from Dad to do his part. SIL needs to "Daddy-up" and take care of his family. In fact, the situation calls for alot of coordination so that it all gets done and I would encourage an actual calendar for the shifts everyone is going to take. This may sound silly or petty, but trust me- sometimes the extreme health crises require extreme organization. Again, tho- lets get real.... Daddy asks for help only when he has met his limits; he doesn't get to choose not to help. Take care of YOU!
Posted 1/28/2009 11:18 AM (GMT 0)
HI,

Absolutely NO. By compromising yourself like this you are sending a message that it is OK. Sorry but I have really changed in the past few months. I too have been a major "giver" my entire life but now it is my turn to NEED some. So is it yours. Saying NO is actually very liberating. Of course you will do it with tact and explain it will just kill you to take this on. This is not the time to attack the SIL. Obviously your daughter is in denial about how bad off you are. You'd be surprised how she may respond when she realizes you cannot. You can be there to supervise the person in charge, that's enough girl. AMEN!!!

Patsie
Posted 1/28/2009 7:19 PM (GMT 0)
I hope you all dont mind but I sent your reponses to my daughter just now. It will be interesting to see how fast my phone rings. Last night she called and said what are you doing tomorrow? I said why do you ask? at first she said that she had a nurse for Kirsten so she thought she could come visit with me while the kids were in school and I was thinking how nice and then she said she wanted me to frost her hair!! I told her I had a doctors appt which I do but she pouted a min and then said ok gotta go. Hell she even knows that me frosting her hair takes alot out of me but apparently hasnt added all these times up in her head yet because she is desperate right now. The surgery has already been set and paid for but what gets me is this is taking place during her hubbys vacation so he will be off work the whole time. There is no reasoning with this man he will not help. I dont know maybe she can get a few girlfriends to help a lil with housework even though they dont do any of thier own lol Barb usually cleans for them. But I was thinking ofsomething concerning money and when Barb was staying at this halfway house for patiants and family members when her preemie was at the hospital there Barb got paid to clean ppls rooms and big bucks at that. She got like 60 bucks to clean a single room with bathroom for about an hour or twos work so she knows whats fair but I have a feeling she will be giving me the 100 bucks out of her child support for her 2 older kids and not getting any money from the hubby but why should he? he is paying for her new boobs. And as for her having elective surgery Barb has waited 9 years of nursing her children for this and went from a size d cup to a minus A so I understand her wanted this so desperatly. She has told me she doesnt even feel like a woman anymore. I am torn torn torn and then you have the kids ohhhh gramma will take care of us!!!!!
Posted 1/28/2009 7:43 PM (GMT 0)
I don't know if this will help you Karen, but when my kids were just babies, I would meet my DH at the door when he came in. I took the keys, said I'll be back in three hours and left. I did't leave food or clean clothes or anything for two screaming babies. I just walked out the door. My husband had to learn to take care of them himself and he did a good job. He also really ended up spending lots of time with them and liking it. If your SIL is left alone with the kids, he'll have no choice but to feed them and get them to bed. Maybe not with a good bath, but still. If he has no choice, he'll have to do it. Diane
Posted 1/28/2009 7:50 PM (GMT 0)
As usual, I agree with Sherrine.. Just say no!!! I think your daughter isn't being fair to you, her husband or her kids by expecting so much from someone that has some serious limitations. She needs to put some $$ aside and hire a professional to help. Get that lug of a husband to lend a hand too.
Sorry, I know it sounds kind of tough, but if you're freaking out about this, you really need to let her know in enough time to find someone else to help.
Helping her out for a week could cause you to be in agony for months.
Take care,
Posted 1/29/2009 7:49 AM (GMT 0)
I talked to my daughter and she said dinner meals would be pre made for me and that her hubby can vacuum and mop and do the garbage cans. She said she does appreciate this and before and she wouldnt aski if there was anyone else. I got the provigil and will have to cut back on meds this next few weeks to have extra for bad days and there will be bad days. Oh and I cant go home at the end of the day. Its too far and I dont drive and noone to take me home and her hubby couldnt cause then there would be noone there for Barb or the kids while he was gone and I woulndt ask him anyways. I can use her comp and will let yuou know how it is going when I do go I guess. Oh and I found out today I do have arthritis in my ankles and hands so far and he is sending me to the ruemy to check for MS as I have alot of the symptoms and my balance and strength has worsened and something to do with some bloodwork too.
Posted 1/29/2009 1:25 PM (GMT 0)
QTKaren,How in the world did I guess itwas boobs.When I read the first  post,I thought 'I bet shes getting boobs.'It sounds like maybe its getting alittle better help wise,but its still to much.I agree with the girls,you'll wind up with a flare.Do they really belive you are sick,or do they think your makeing all this up?I'm with you on the friend part,they could help.And if hubbys on vacation at the  time,well....he should step up.cause really in the end the boobs are for his benifit,they'll make her feel good about herself,but hubbys getting the real treat.

Posted 1/29/2009 1:53 PM (GMT 0)
Orchid, I had to laugh about the hubby note. It is a serious decision anyway... hope she has given it REAL thought.

Anyway wondering how the trip and doctor went??? Was it Emory?? Patsie
Posted 1/29/2009 2:33 PM (GMT 0)
Hey Sweetie,

I would offer your daughter and SIL the $20.00 a day to find someone else. How selfish of them....! Elective surgery to boot...they need to rethink their priorities, and start helping Mom a bit more!

Love to you darling...and STAY HOME....! Take care of you~!

Posted 1/29/2009 2:58 PM (GMT 0)

hey patsie...No it wasn't Emory.it was a rhemy in Lawrenceville and she was awsome,i belive i have some hope.she was very interested in my illnesses and seems very willing to help.she did not give me any pain meds but she did give me Restoril for sleep.She wants to see if maybe getting my sleep patterns on track might help.I was all for that,at least its a start.No one else has even attempted anything.So we will start there,and she ordered a bunch of labs.I felt a real connection with this lady and she Hugged me!omg I couldn't belive it,no doc has ever been this....genuine.maybe the tide is turning.

oh yea..and the boob thing... eyes does this mean after she gets hers,does he get a penis enlargement and pec implants for her? devil

Posted 1/29/2009 3:50 PM (GMT 0)
What are you nuts, it's all one way for the gals!!!! At least too many of us. What man have you ever known that is not "cock proud"??? now interpret that as you wish too, just funning people!!!

GREAT news on the doc. I will tell you my sleep is everything. If it goes nutsy my pain is much worse. Fibro is definitely a sleep disorder thing too. What else is new, it affects everything.

Anyway it's a start as you said so that's so good.

Patsie
Posted 1/29/2009 5:04 PM (GMT 0)
Hey, I've been an a cup all my life and ya know what people come up to me
an says I'm lucky to be small, as they get pain from being big in size. you should tell
her this, plus I can find plenty of things to pad my bra with if I should want...I have at times...
As for that lazy no good of a hubby not to pick up a finger to take care of his own kids, tell
him he could be report to social services..what a lazy bum...
But I will say a prayer for you as you'll need all the strenght you can get
and lots of soft hugz.....
Posted 1/29/2009 5:13 PM (GMT 0)

Hi Karen-

Your last post was better then the first post, there is no way you could have done all that! It sounds like things are covered a little better.

Let us know what the rheumy says-

GamJill

Posted 1/29/2009 6:28 PM (GMT 0)
Karen, I hope that your SIL will wake up and smell the coffee! The idea of not knowing how to deal with the feeding tube and to be responsible for your grandchild's health would be the 1 BIGGIE that would send me over the edge into a fibro flare alone!

Your SIL needs to be responsible for this child's care.

Has your DD even considered that having this elective surgery could start fibro in her own system? I pray not, but there is no way in your know what that I would do elective surgery with this disease in my family tree and a possiblity or getting it.

If you feel you must help out, then I would go and see the kiddos off to school and then sit in the recliner and rest.

If SIL doesn't like it, you can always go home and he can get the kiddos off to school as well.

Hope you get it all squared away and that you stay healthy.
Posted 1/29/2009 7:17 PM (GMT 0)
Karen, a family member of mine had breast augmentation and didn't need to be taken care of.  She was home in a few hours after surgery and was sitting outside in the sunshine enjoying herself.  Yes, there was a little discomfort but the doctor gave her medication to ease that.  It's not that big of a deal that you have to be there for five days and not even be able to come home.  You mean a neighbor of hers wouldn't take you home? 

 

One other question.  Where is your daughter and son-in-law when you need all the help with your Mom?  You seem to be doing everyone's dirty work and I know why.  It's because you will do it.  You allow yourself to be treated like this and this will go on and on and on until either you learn to say "NO" or you keel over. 

 

I don't mean to be so rough on you but you really need to see what is going on in  your life.  You are doing a lot with  your husband, too, like going and helping him at his work.  You are a giving person but enough is enough.  You are doing all of the giving and your family is doing all the taking and you are the one paying the BIG price for it.  Think it over.  As I said in my first post on this thread, it's going to be your choice.

 

Sherrine

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