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Feeling under-appreciated...

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Posted 6/6/2009 10:45 PM (GMT 0)
Lately I have been feeling a little under-appreciated. I have been trying my hardest to keep the house clean and take care of my son's and husband's needs. I feel like I have been doing a pretty good job at it, too. But I feel like whatever I do is not appreciated. And sometimes I feel like my husband gets mad at me for cleaning. I know he is just worried that I will overdo it, which I do have a tendency to do, but I just feel like he doesn't appreciate what I do all that much. Whenever he does something, I tell him that I really appreciate it. I thank him a lot for anything he does. But he rarely does that for me. Sometimes I feel like whatever I do just isn't enough. I don't know. Maybe I am imagining all of this, but I can't help but feel this way. I don't want to say anything to him because I don't want to hurt his feelings.

Today, I cut my son's hair, gave him a bath (which is insanely hard on my back and legs), cleaned the bathtub, picked up toys, swept the carpet, done a few things for my husband, and I am in the middle of doing my son's laundry. I am really tired, and I feel a little depressed because I just feel like whatever I do isn't enough and it doesn't warrant even a small thank you. Am I being selfish? I just don't know what to do about how I am feeling. shakehead

Posted 6/6/2009 11:12 PM (GMT 0)
I wouldn't think that telling him how you feel should "hurt his feelings", depending on how you say it. If you can speak in I-statements only, then you would "own" your feelings and not be projecting them on him. For example, if you were to say "I really feel unappreciated when I do so much housework" - then that's an I-statement, indicative of YOUR feelings, and says nothing about him. It's just about you. If he TAKES IT as an insult, that's his perogative. I wouldn't take it as an insult if my spouse told me that. I would respond with "oh gosh. That's really sad. What could I do to help you feel more appreciated?"
Posted 6/6/2009 11:37 PM (GMT 0)
I just really don't know how to approach him about it. He keeps asking me what is wrong, and I just tell him nothing. If I were to tell him the truth, then I know I would end up saying something like, "I just don't feel like you appreciate the things that I do around here." And I don't think that is a wise thing to say. I don't want to say the wrong thing, and I don't want to hurt his feelings. I don't want to make him feel guilty or anything. But, at the same time, I would like it if he just said thank you for the things that I do around here. Because it IS hard on me to do much, and when I do it, he usually just says something like, "Don't overdo it honey." I don't get a thank you. I don't really get anything like that. Every once in a while, I will, but most of the time it's like it doesn't even matter to him that I have done things. I know he loves me and everything, but I just don't feel like he appreciates it when I do things around the house.
Posted 6/7/2009 1:06 AM (GMT 0)
Well, maybe you could talk to him and say, "Honey, I know you appreciate all I do to keep the house clean, etc, etc, but it's really important for me to hear you say thank you." Communication can be better if you use statements that start with "I need ..." or "I want ..."
Posted 6/7/2009 2:28 AM (GMT 0)
I guess I could give it a try, but I just don't know. I am just so scared of hurting his feelings. I don't want him to feel guilty or anything. I really don't. I know that some people just think they other people know that they are appreciated without saying anything, but I am not usually one of those people. I need to be told that what I do is appreciated. A simple thank you can go a long way with me.
Posted 6/7/2009 5:29 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Sassy!

I do like the ideas above about focusing on how you feel and not blaming him in your sentences. I have lived with this for many years and do know how you feel but I finally did say something and...the sky didn't fall in, the sun kept rising and even the flowers bloomed in spring. ... but it's not funny when it's happening to you.

Here's my take... I felt, and still often feel, as you do about not wanting to hurt his feelings. But aren't yours being hurt? And why would you think it would hurt his feelings? Has he ever said anything to make you believe that? Are you afraid of him? or that he may leave? Communication is everything in a relationship. Without it the love seems to fade away. And over time it does nothing but get worse if you aren't able to talk things through. He probably has no idea you feel this way and may be very sorry that he's hurt your feelings for so long. He likely will wonder why you didn't say something sooner.

I'm the type who's feelings and emotions are directly wired to my tear ducts...lol Any emotion makes my eyes leak. So if I start talking to hubby about something that concerns me or is emotional the tears start on the first sentence. Then I feel like a fool and it makes me not want to even start the conversation. So...I've resorted to writing notes to get the conversation started. It breaks the ice and lets you say what you want with carefully chosen words. Doesn't have to be a long letter unless that's what you need. Maybe just a few words on how you've been feeling lately and ask if you two can have some quiet time together to talk about your feelings and love for him.

Now, look down at your left hand, ring finger. That is a symbol of the love you two promised to share and that also means it's a two way street with equal partners. Please don't assign yourself less than the 50% share you deserve....OK? Your feelings and needs count just as much as his do but he has to know how you feel or he likely thinks things are just fine the way they are. No matter how long you've been married, he's not any better at reading your mind today as when you first met. Talk...and I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.

Hugs,
Chutzie <--been there many times
Posted 6/7/2009 1:36 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks Chutz. Your response was really helpful. No, I am not afraid of my husband, and I know he would not leave me. He just tends to feel guilty over little things that shouldn't really bother him. That is what I am worried about. But, you are right. I really do need to get my feelings out in the open. And I am glad to know that I am not the only person who will write notes to people to explain how I feel. It is nice to know that I am not the only one who does that. I don't know why, but sometimes when I am speaking about my emotions and stuff, I get all tongue-tied, or I will chicken out from what I was going to say. So, when I think that will happen, I write a note instead. That way, I can think about what I want to say, write it down, and then hand it over before I chicken out. LOL. Thank you all so much for you wonderful advice. I think I may let my hubby read this forum...I let him read my journal sometimes, and that helps him understand exactly how I feel, and he usually doesn't respond badly. Thanks again everyone. *soft hugs to all*

 

Posted 6/7/2009 3:22 PM (GMT 0)
You know up til the past few years I did it all took care of the house, yard, cleaned the basement and garage all my DH did was go to work and bring home the money. I was a perfectionist and no one could do it as well as I could so did it all myself, even our three sons got off easy when it came to doing things around the house. Fibro changed all that and my DH now does the yard work, suppose to be in charge of kitchen duty since he likes to cook, he vacuums the carpets and taking out the trash and getting it out on pickup day. He still works and I do thank him for his help. Why??? I do a fraction of what I use to be able to do in a day and it takes all my energy and there are days when I wonder why I use my precious energy cleaning instead of doing something enjoyable cause you can't tell I did anything. I don't get a thank you, I know how hard that must have been on you doing that, most of the time I don't think he even notices anything I've done. Honestly, when it comes to the house if you don't need a shovel to walk through it he doesn't think it needs to be cleaned unless company is coming. Believe me I am tempted sometimes to lie to him and tell him someone is coming for a weekend to get him in the cleaning gear, lol. Don't ask me how a perfectionist and the world's biggest slob has made it together all these years but we have.

 

My point is if your DH is anything like mine it's not that your not appreciated they just don't see that it is necessary to do the things we do. I swear my DH's eyes filter out dirt and he can't see it.

 

luv and hugs

Marlee

Posted 6/7/2009 6:29 PM (GMT 0)
Can I give you a little advice, looking back on two broken marriages? They say that hindsight is twenty twenty, you know. If your husband asks you what is wrong, and you say, "nothing" then you cannot be upset at him if he assumes that nothing is wrong, or if he doesn't know what is wrong. No one can read minds.

Communication is the most important thing in any relationship. Everyone has given you excellent advice, and if I knew then what I know now, I may have saved my first marriage (the second was doomed from the start).

I think that Marlee probably hit the nail on the head... it's not that he doesn't appreciate what you're doing, it's more like he just doesn't register it completely. I mean, unless the house is a pigsty every day and suddenly you go in a cleaning frenzy and clean it spotless, who is going to register that it's being cleaned?

People take for granted that things get done - kids take for granted that food is put before them every day and they get new clothes when they need it. Non bread winners take for granted that money is put in the bank and the bread winners go off to earn the money with a vague notion it involves work of some kind. Bread winners take for granted that the house is clean and dinner is made. It's only when something out of the ordinary happens that people take notice... Sure, that's a simplification, and everyone's lives are a bit more complex than that, but maybe that makes some kind of sense?
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