O/T kinda of...

I wanted to ask a couple of questions today. First of all I am a mother to two boys, ages five and six. My first question has to do with fibro affecting your family. My 6 year old has been having some trouble in school lately. The school wants to put him on ADD/ADHD medicine. I know some people here take some of those types of meds, and was looking for some insight into those. How do they make you feel? Did you take them as a child..and most importantly, will they make my little guy a zombie? I have seen so many kids that seem to lose their personalities with these medicines, that I really worry about it. And, I was also wondering if anyone thought that my having fibro could be causing him to act out? Anyone have kids that this has affected? I know I can't do as much with him as I used to be able to do, and that's bound to have an impact. I'm really worried about it, I feel so guilty. He got so mad at me the other day, over what I don't remember...because his reaction overshadowed anything else. He actually threatened me, saying he would hit me in my legs and he didn't care how bad they were hurting. He has NEVER EVER been that way. He is actually a very loving child, and often asks if we can go cuddle. It breaks my heart. His acting out in school consists of not listening, being to hyper, and talking out of turn. Does this sound like anything anyone else has experienced? It's breaking my heart. So I was wondering what you all thought about the medicine, and the fibro possibly affecting my child. I am so reluctant to put him on meds this young, but I want him to live up to his potential. I am so confused and don't know what to do. We have doctor's appointment for the 23, but I was hoping to get some feedback here so I can be well prepared. I would really appreciate anything from you all.

Since my children were grown when I got fibro I can't answer if your fibro affects your son. I do have a great nephew and granddaughter with ADHD. My nephew's behavior, before he was put on meds, was a threat to himself and others it was so bad. When my granddaughter stays with me it's like her mind is going a hundred miles an hour when she first gets up before she has her meds. I would never put a child on these meds unless it was absolutely necessary but in order to slow their minds down so they are able to concentrate and learn it is necessary and for their safety. They both would do impulsive things that could have caused them harm.

 

The meds they put children on for ADHD works the opposite for adults.

 

I know this is a hard decision to make and I'm sure you will do what is best for your son.

 

luv and hugs

Marlee

((((gentle hugs)))) I had a difficult child, and I know how hard it can be. The feelings of guilt, the missed outings, the frustration... it goes on. And it not only affects your relationship with that child, but everyone else in the family. My oldest used to have the longest tantrums, he would fly into a rage if he was expecting something to go one way and it didn't. You could try to get him away from the situation, and he would come back to us screaming uncontrollably. School was another issue, he was usually attentive and worked hard, but he coudln't be dealt any surprises to his routine. He was 4 when his brother was born, and 5 when his first sister came along. At that time, we had a move far from the rest of the family, and my dh was away for the first 6 weeks. There were times that I had to take the babies into my room and lock the door for our safety... from a 6 y/o! But other times he was so sweet and helpful.

At first I wondered about ADD, but he could sit and watch TV for lengths of time. He would play with his toy cars for an hour or two. I finally came to understand that a child with ADD would not be able to do that. Would not be able to sit at the dinner table either, come to it. So even if he did seem to be hyper at times and having difficulty focusing, I dismissed it. Even after a teacher brought it up and suggested, like you, that maybe meds would help him. I did more research and started wondering about aspergers. He did have trouble making friends, or knowing how to interact with his peers, even though he was well liked and popular. When he played with his cars, he would set them all up in a line, and he would know (and throw a tantrum) if any were moved a fraction of an inch. He also seemed to fit into the ODD category (oppositional defiant disorder).

So I waited until we could move back closer to our last home and family (Our other move was only short term). I got him into my old doctor, who referred me to a pediatrist that specialized in behaviour issues. In the meantime, I did more research into Asperger's and ODD. I came across this book:
The Explosive Child, by Ross W. Greene, Ph.D. This was an invaluable tool. The book explains how some children just can not think straight when something goes out of turn for them. I was able to see his point of view and helped him decompress when he got this way. I understand even more how these children may feel now that I have fibro. I was always sensitive to noise and too much stimulus at once, but now it is positively distracting and even makes me crazy and irrational. The difference is that as we grow, we have the tools to help us recognize these feelings are inappropriate and ways to deal and calm ourselves back down. A child needs to be taught this. By the time his first therapy session finally came along (between waiting to move back, referral, appointment, then another referral, almost a year had passed), we had made huge progress on our own with the help of this book. We were able to drop the therapy, but they kept him in the system in case I needed help doing this on my own, or he reverted.

Sorry about the long post, but I just wanted to say that even though I'm not in your shoes and your situation might be different, I do empathize and think I know some of what you may be going through. And, maybe I'm reading too much into this, but that teacher has no right, and I mean NO right, to suggest that your child be put on medication. Yes, these drugs can help tremendously for those that really need it. That's why I say I don't know your situation for sure. But I was there with a teacher too, and she was WAY off the mark. Only a doctor can diagnose ADD, and I also have to stress to trust your instincts. When I researched ADD, it never felt right to me, even though my ds fit many symptoms and signs.

I can't recommend this book enough. Good luck with your doctor's appointment. And I'd be happy to give you more of my experiences or just a shoulder to cry on if you need it. During that time, I was in contact with another mother who had a difficult child. It felt so good to unload to someone that understood. I'd be happy to give you my email if you have any questions. Please let us know how the appointment goes!

Thank you all so much for your replies! I cannot tell you how scared and guilty this all makes me feel. Someone said something about him possibly thinking I was going to die....well his grandmother, my Mom, passed away three months ago. She and I had very similar health problems and my child is astute enough to pick up on that. They were very close.
Also, as far as his attention span goes, well it varies. He has no problem watching tv for extended amounts of time, or playing games, or sitting down to dinner with us. And the time that he lashed out at me was just that one time, it never happened before and hasn't happened since.
I have had to meet with his principal twice so far this school year and been on the phone at least half a dozen times. When I talk with him his complaints are: being noisy in the halls and bathroom, talking out of turn, one time he was talking about farting at lunch time (this seemed beyond ridiculous to me), he's rolled his eyes at the teacher..in general just things like that. Some of it seems so much like normal 6 year old boy stuff to me. I will be honest and say that I don't like his principal. The man acts like he is running a military school. I am all for discipline, but not to the point where I get a phone call because he is talking in the halls. Anyhow, in both of these meetings the principal has really heavily suggested that he needs medicine, and one time he even brought in a psychologist and special ed. teacher. Now, I know he doesn't need special education. Even with all his problems he still gets above average marks in all his subjects, and places in the top percentiles on his testing scores. I found that very offensive. The psychologist never even said one word the whole meeting. Now, I might be able to get over all that and still be ok with the principal, but the man had the nerve to suggest that my child was destined for a life of crime! He said something to the effect of, "this is how a lot of criminals and degenerates start out". I don't appreciate that at all.
Anyhow, I know this is long and I thank you all for reading it and replying to me. I don't really have anyone to talk to about these things since my Mom died, and I need all the help I can get.

Wow, that principal is totally out of line!!!! I am a teacher and I can't imagine any education professional suggesting your child is destined for a life of crime. I'd suggest transferring your child to another school to get him out of that hostile environment but it sounds like he's had enough change in the last year or two. The school can not require your child to be medicated.

Learn all you can about your and your son's rights in school. Parents have a lot of power but most don't know it. Many areas have support groups for parents of kids with ADD/ADHD or other special needs and these parents would be great resources. You will learn more about ADHD and, most importantly, you'll probably find some parents that can advise you of your rights so the school doesn't bully you.

Some kids really need these meds to learn and get along with others. Without the meds, they can't focus, can't get anything done, and worst of all, they can't get along with the other kids. They become angry and disruptive when they don't take their meds. I've also worked with kids so overmedicated, they really were zombies. They are quite content but they aren't learning anything, the parents/foster parents don't care as long as the kid doesn't act up. Some kids with ADHD can focus for hours on something that really interests them, like TV or video games. Having you medicate your son is so much easier for the school than having to deal with his behavior and trying to figure out how to help him.

Many six year olds have trouble concentrating and paying attention, they talk when they should be listening, they have trouble sitting still, they are rarely quiet in the halls, and farts are a favorite topic of conversation. I'm guessing your son is having a bit more trouble than the other kids in his class. Has he always had trouble in school or is this rather recent? Meds should be a last resort, not the first thing suggested. Has your school district suffered from big budget cuts so that class sizes were increased? I've noticed some of our teachers having less patience with the disruptive kids this year because they are dealing with about ten more kids in their classroom than they used to have.

My daughter was three when I got sick and she developed terrible separation anxiety. She was afraid I was going to die if I wasn't in her sight. She got sick almost every day at school and either stayed home or got sent home. We found a wonderful counselor and she recovered. She improved a lot in the first month but it took about a year of on and off counseling to help her accept the changes in our family.

Don't feel guilty. Take care of yourself and your boys.

Thank you for your reply dagger. This is a fairly new development for my son. Last year his teacher said that he spoke out of turn some, and acted up some at the parent teacher conferences, but she never made a big deal out of it. Lord knows she never sent him to the office like his teacher this year does. Now I know, and am willing to admit that my child isn't perfect, but truly some of these issues seem like nit-picking to me. It just seems sometimes like my son was rowdy or whatever at the start of the year, and now they teacher and principal put extra focus on him. The principal even said he sits and watches my son at recess, during class and lunch. That seems like a lot of pressure on him to me. It also seems like the more you sit and stare at a kid, the easier it will be to notice every single thing they do wrong. I also think his teacher this year is new, and may not know quite how to deal with kids who aren't the cookie cutter version of a child. None of this is to say that my son doesn't have issues, he very well might, which is why I have no problem taking him to a doctor. I want him to be healthy and functioning properly, too. I just feel like some of the teacher's and principal's actions have exacerbated the situation. I do not think, as his principal said (verbatim) that, "your child just picks days where he is just going to come into school and give his teacher hell". I really do NOT feel that my son plans out days where he is going to misbehave. I also wonder why I don't get the same complaints from his Sunday school teachers, what is the difference, and why is there one? I really look forward to hearing from the doctor on this. I trust his doctor completely and will take seriously whatever advice I am given.
Once again, Dagger, thank you for your insight as a teacher and parent.

Just make sure that you keep "drilling it in" gently so you don't frighten him more by your seriousness and persistence. Maybe you can find something that he can do to help you when your fibro is bad. That may give him a slight feeling of control over the situation that might ease some of his feelings. Plus helping mommy is also a good morale boost to a child. Lisa