Sigh - losing my mind!

Ran out of meds on Tuesday, hard time sleeping without them and dr apt not until tuesday. When hubby got home friday from work I bawled like a baby with relief that I had managed the ouse and kids until he got home and could finally take some me time til he went to work on Monday. Not how my weekend played out. He is struggling with alcohol use which turns him into an unpleasant man to live with. I have worked with him for four years, and have gotten him sober monday to friday, but come friday all bets are off. I don't know why I thought he might take it easy when I am so ill, but not even close. He tried his best friday, but he acme to bed drunk and kept elbowing me, trying to push me to the edge of the bed, etc, so I had to go sleep on the couch. Saturday I was lucky enough to get a nap, but spent two hours having some weird lucid nightmare about being blind and helpless. Saturday night when I finally got to sleep had a weird dream about a dog viciously biting my posterior, and actually felt severe and intense pain int he dream. When I woke up this morning I was ins o much severe back pain that I could harldy move a muscle. Still went to my part time job and almsot worked my whole shift, despite the frequent yelps of pain that I could not supress. Came home to tipsy hubby who loves to sneak up behind me and scare me just to see me jump, and I lost my cool with him because it hurt so very much. Then I stepped on a very thick lapel pin and it got lodged into my foot, got it out but now my foot hurts, my back hurts, and my tipsy hubby spent an hour telling me he did not like the way I got distant and cold when he drinks, why don't I lighten up and party, and if I am going to be such a B&$*ch about it, then he feels I should know that he thinks I am fat, a slob, a bad housekeeper, fat, a jerk, an idiot, etc,, while my four year old daughter overheard it all.

So now i am in agony, another night on the couch, and a serious talk with my  daughter in the morning about it all.

I am a bit overweight, about 40 lbs. My housekeeping takes a backseat most days due to the terrible fatigue, and I think I deserve a medal just for being awake to watch our children, even if I have been spending a little too much time lately being cranky with them due - again - to the fatigue thaat leaves me feeling like I can't control my temper. I try to make up for it when I can muster up the energy to bake with them or play hide and seek, but the guilt is still there. 

I guess the real reason I am so sad tonight is that my best friend is out of town, and she is the only one who comes close to understanding what my home life is like. I just feel like I need a vacation from all of this, even though I only work two days a week. An afternoon or weekend with no one wanting me, needing me,  maybe a massage, or a movie by myself. I love my children, but am starting to feel like I would be a better mom for them if I had some time, unfortuantely hubby disagrees strongly. He is very insecure and views any attempt to be alone or take time for me as an attempt to leave him. Plus, me not home means he not drink, and that be bad for he.

Oh god, I just want him to grow up and understand. Now I have vented, and hope for a few pats on the back. I am crying now just knowing that somewhere out there someone will read this and say just the right thing to make me feel better. I just want a few cyber-hugs.

Thanks in advance, and I will return the favor when you need them.

I'm so sorry you are having such a hard time right now, You have come to the right place because we all know how you feel when it comes to the pain. We all need time to ourselves once in a while to be able to deal with the pain and the everyday life. It sounds like you may have to make a decision about your life. Dealing with the pain and taking care of kids is sometimes more than we can handle and if your husband is only making things worst then it may come to the point that you have to get away from your husband in order to make life better for you and your kids.  And maybe if you put him out he might go and get some help. You are not helping him, yourself or your child by allowing him to speak to you that way in your home, especially in front of your child. Trust me when i say you have to get your child out of those situations. As a child i was raised in an abusive home and it affected my whole life (I am 50 now) and having to go through theropy because of it. You are stronger than you think and you are going to have to do whatever you have to do to take care of you and your child. If he loves you then he will get help and you can have a better life in the future. You are not alone and we are all here to support you through it. My prayers will be with you.

Tressia

No - he doesn't know! He says because he can be sober Monday to friday, and not wake up with a beer in his hand then he can't be an alcoholic. But I think differently. I see the way it changes him, and I see how he uses his allcohol to get as drunk as possible. Like a greedy dog. He even makes sure he soesn't eat a lot so the alcohol will affect him more. Silly man. Of course he denies everything and says I just have an attitude. But I agree with you, something has to change, and soon. I am starting a new business in two months, and hoping that it won't be too long before I can support me and the two girls. And at least monday to friday are fine . I just don't know how many more of these weekends I can tolerate. Thanks for the supprot. Maybe I will give al-anon a call. It can't hurt.
You guys are the best.