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Dating? Awkward- need advice! Ladies and Gentlemen!

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Posted 7/5/2010 10:22 AM (GMT 0)
Okay- so I have been on the Fibromyalgia wheel for awhile now and have decided that its going to be awhile before I get anywhere. Some days I feel terrible and same days I feel almost close to normal. But I am about to be 37 and I have decided that Fibro doesn't have the right to anymore of my time unless absolutely necessary (flares). So I am still searching for a great Pain Mgt doctor and I have a great lead- an appt in Aug with a doc at Rush-Copley in Chicago. Which for those of you not familiar with Illinois is a teaching hospital- so I am keeping my fingers crossed! And to add to my hope my new doc is a Rheumy who specializes in Lupus and Fibro with interests in both. So okay-next.
Here is where I can use some input. I have not had a date in about 3 years- since I was engaged. And that was when the Fibro started (even though the dx took a lot longer!). And I am REALLY out of practice on the regular stuff let alone the Fibro stuff. Also, the last time I dated I was literally 90 lbs lighter (thank you meds!) and three years younger. So I have some confidence issues. I used to be one of those ladies that got noticed when they walked into a place and then my personality could take over. Now, I am all anxiety and my mouth doesn't work and I stutter so I wind up saying nothing. Plus my whole world has become Fibro so how do I not talk about it? And if I don't, I feel like a used car salesman hiding a bad rebuild!
See???? I need some advice before all of the anxiety puts me back in the house before I even get out there! I could also use some really great success stories on relationships that started out and how they worked out! Come on Fibromites- help a sister out! I need some stories on how you started out, how you introduced your significant other to your fibro (and other stuff if you have it) and how you are keeping the relationship going especially through the tough times. How you handle the weirdo fibro stuff would be great to know!

Thanks guys!!!
Posted 7/5/2010 11:56 AM (GMT 0)
SadSickTired,

It's so exciting to hear that you are working on getting "out there" again. That is a sign that the you, before fibro, is still there! I'm so happy for you in the doctor from Chicago. That is great.

The only thing I can really speak to, that you asked about, is the weight issue. My fibro dx was in January of 2007. I have gained 70 pounds during that time. I think my weight gain has to do with inactivity and eating for comfort. What better than a chocolate candy bar when one is in pain? Anyway, I'm only 5' tall, so these added pounds made my self-esteem go down in the tanker over these past 3 1/2 years.

I was fortunate enough to learn about a wellness program, run by a doctor, in April of this year. I walk now, and stick to my eating program. I have lost 31 pounds, and feel so good - except for the pain - which does not go away, in spite of what friends and others think, when it comes to fibro and weight. It is easier for me to get around though. And that's an improvement. Weight loss is a mind set - do it when you are ready, and not before. Also, do it for yourself....not anyone else.

I think it is so awesome that you want to get back into dating. I'm guessing that your good looks and personality are still there - you just think they aren't because of the demoralization of being in pain all the time. It's just plain hard on our whole psyche. Just get out there and be you. You can do this!
Posted 7/5/2010 1:33 PM (GMT 0)
please ... it does not matter how much you weigh ... it's what you do with it. For example, I'm a pretty big girl, so will you find me out and about in an itsy bitsy teeny weeny yellow polka dot bikini? ... no ma'am! Choose clothes that accentuate what you want them to and cover what you want them to.
Posted 7/5/2010 4:28 PM (GMT 0)
Sad, I do relate to what you're saying, though I was already married a few years before my fibro really became an issue - and my husband has stuck by me through it all, not that he always REALLY gets it.  But he believes me, at least - that took some work.  And I know he loves me.

However, I haven't been so lucky with other people.  I've lost some of my oldest and dearest friends and relatives, and all I can think of is that they just don't "get" me.  I don't feel like I go on and on about my problems; in fact, I'm a great listener and commiserator.  Maybe I forget what they tell me, and they're offended when I don't remember something?  Maybe I'm a downer because I can't keep up with them?  Whatever it is, it hurts a lot.  Even my son thinks this all originated in my head and my head has to get me out of it  rolleyes  .

All you can do is be yourself.  Try to be positive, I guess that goes without saying, but what else can you do? 

Posted 7/5/2010 10:52 PM (GMT 0)
You've had some great replies to this. :)

When I read your post and got to the part where you spoke of yourself negatively, and you envisioned future episodes going negatively, I thought, "Oh no, her self esteem needs work!" My self esteem is pretty bad, too, so I really understand.

Try to catch yourself when you're painting a picture in your head of how badly things might turn out in a given situation. Your future is NOT written. Just because some things happened in the past a certain way doesn't mean they have to go that way forever.

Remember the movie, Groundhog's Day, where Bill Murray's character had to replay the same day over and over? We with low self esteem think the same thing will keep replaying. We think it will replay badly. But look what happened in the movie - he broke the cycle. :) We can break our negative cycle, too.

As for dating, why not just take it a little slower and see if you can build your confidence by just meeting any-old-body as an acquaintance first? I mean, men, women, children, little green men, whatever - just friendly conversations. Once you gain your confidence back that way, seeing how people recognize your value as a human, the step toward dating won't seem so different.
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