Very Concerned Husband - At the End of My Rope

You have the perspective now of someone who feels well.  Let's see - how did you feel the last time you had the flu?  How did you spend your day?  Did you have a lot of creative ideas and a lot of energy to do things?  A lot of motivation?  So ... imagine feeling that way more or less every day.  What would your days be like? 

A good many of us only have the energy for 2 or 3 hrs of activity (some less).  I think everyone here so far has agreed that your wife's energy budget could be devoted to more productive things.  But try to view the world thru the eyes of someone who doesn't feel well most of the time.

Or look at it like this.  Spending  time on a laptop is escapism, but it doesn't translate very well into being about to work a regular schedule with pressure, deadlines, etc.  Usually they write employment accomodations that are necessary for a handicapped person to return to work.  So ... why don't you sit down and write some for your wife.  Be honest and objective.  If the accomodations include things like frequent periods of rest. tolerance for inattention errors of various kinds, extra time to do things, missing a lot of work time for bad days, allowance for periods of not getting along with other employees or management, etc.  ... well ... does it describe any real job?  Would YOU hire her the way she is now?

A couple of observations based on personal experience.

You feel that your wife is in denial.  Probably nothing is going to change until she is ready to move on to the next stage.  That's anger - and will be really fun .... but keep a clinical perspective and don't take it personally.

Going to counseling - or sending someone to a psychiatrist etc. -  with the intent to "fix" them else isn't likely to be productive.  As already suggested, get some counseling for yourself. 

As far as a possible divorce - when kids are involved, it will solve some problems but create a whole set of new ones.  I appreciate the tough spot your in.  If you lawyer up, she will too.  Unless she has some independent savings or something, by the time it's done, you'll end up paying for both lawyers.

You're right to be concerned about finances- umm ... I think you are also responsible for any debts she incurs.

I don't know which state you live in - but there are many where your wife will be treated preferentially when it comes to child custody.  If it goes to divorce, you may see less of your kids than you do now.  I wouldn't count too much either on anything she may say about you'll have custody of the kids.  Her lawyer will have a huge influence with her ... and there's no way to predict how she will feel after talking with a lawyer.  It might not be accurate to think you'll have custody of the kids because you're being the "responsible" parent.

Here are the social security disability requirements for affective disorders like depression and anxiety.  Look over the list - you'll be able to see where your wife fits into this - and also what's typical.  Like impaired social/ family functioning.

12.04 Affective disorders: Characterized by a disturbance of mood, accompanied by a full or partial manic or depressive syndrome. Mood refers to a prolonged emotion that colors the whole psychic life; it generally involves either depression or elation.

The required level of severity for these disorders is met when the requirements in both A and B are satisfied, or when the requirements in C are satisfied.

A. Medically documented persistence, either continuous or intermittent, of one of the following:

1. Depressive syndrome characterized by at least four of the following:

a. Anhedonia or pervasive loss of interest in almost all activities; or

b. Appetite disturbance with change in weight; or

c. Sleep disturbance; or

d. Psychomotor agitation or retardation; or

e. Decreased energy; or

f. Feelings of guilt or worthlessness; or

g. Difficulty concentrating or thinking; or

h. Thoughts of suicide; or

i. Hallucinations, delusions, or paranoid thinking; or

2. Manic syndrome characterized by at least three of the following:

a. Hyperactivity; or

b. Pressure of speech; or

c. Flight of ideas; or

d. Inflated self-esteem; or

e. Decreased need for sleep; or

f. Easy distractibility; or

g. Involvement in activities that have a high probability of painful consequences which are not recognized; or

h. Hallucinations, delusions or paranoid thinking; or

3. Bipolar syndrome with a history of episodic periods manifested by the full symptomatic picture of both manic and depressive syndromes (and currently characterized by either or both syndromes);

AND

B. Resulting in at least two of the following:

1. Marked restriction of activities of daily living; or

2. Marked difficulties in maintaining social functioning; or

3. Marked difficulties in maintaining concentration, persistence, or pace; or

4. Repeated episodes of decompensation, each of extended duration;

OR

C. Medically documented history of a chronic affective disorder of at least 2 years' duration that has caused more than a minimal limitation of ability to do basic work activities, with symptoms or signs currently attenuated by medication or psychosocial support, and one of the following:

1. Repeated episodes of decompensation, each of extended duration; or

2. A residual disease process that has resulted in such marginal adjustment that even a minimal increase in mental demands or change in the environment would be predicted to cause the individual to decompensate; or

3. Current history of 1 or more years' inability to function outside a highly supportive living arrangement, with an indication of continued need for such an arrangement.

On a forum like this - well - we do the best we can to provide support to each other.  But we really don't have personal insight into what is going on.  And we aren't qualified to diagnose anything anyways. 

From what you have written - i do tend to think your wife is seriously disabled.  Maybe accepting that would bring you to a new perspective on the whole situation. 

Ugh ... I'm tired out now from writing this and don't have the energy to try proof it again and get out the rest of the typos, so I hope this is ok.  I really empathize with your tough spot and wanted to try and help a little.  I haven't exactly sugar coated anything either, but it's better to know than not.