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Posted 10/31/2010 12:04 AM (GMT 0)
So I've been absent on here for about a week. I was home visiting my parents. I will try and make this as short and sweet as possible.

My mom:  64, cancer survivor, ~fairlyy~ healthy now considering past, pretty energetic and a STRONG desire to get out and about and really enjoy life.

My dad: 79, terrible health, 24/7 pain, bowel problems, aotric stenosis, alzheimers, dimentia (sp?), CHF, neuropathy, very MEAN, DEMANDING, VERY unstable on his feet (uses walker, scooter), can't be left alone. Do have to mention he's a veteran of 31 years active duty.

The problem: My parents act like they HATE HATE HATE each other. My dad is (excuse the language) an a-double"S"-hole. The meaness from my dad is something he's had all his life (as long as I've been alive - nothing new) but with alzheimers and dimentia, its WORSE! The short part of this story (haha) is that I've been home for the last 2 weeks.  I've been under MAJOR stress being there. It's a hostile environment.  They pull the "he said she said" crap with me and when each one gets me alone, they bad mouth the other.  The sad part, I fear this is going to do my mom in. She doesn't know how to handle him anymore.  If he were only forgetful and needy, she'd have no problem taking care if him. But hes a JERK to her on top of it. I heard him telling her the other night "I could just smack you across the face".  My mom (and the rest of us) are caught between a rock and a hard place because despite all his problems and short comings, he's still of too sound mind to place him in a care facitlty. My mom feels guilty even thinking about doing it. But he can't care for himself. The VA would pay for it but after his expenses are met, he'd have $91 left every month from his pension and retiremen, social security, etc. My mom relies on that money for their house payment, car payment, etc.

So: in summary, my dad requires care but my mom is almost at the end of the rope in caring for him. My dad has too much of his mind left for us to justify placing him in a nursing home. Does anyone know of any other options that might meet a middle ground.

My mom would love to divorce him cuz he really doesn't deserve the wonderful care she gives.  But she feels guilty doing that this late in life. She pays caregivers to come here and there but she always has the feeling of doom lurking over her cuz she always has to go back home and as soon as she walks in the door, he starts on her. The first step I said she needed to do was get counseling for herself to learn how to deal with these difficult changes taking place in their life.  This CRAP has put me in a flare for the past week and I haven't felt like breathing let along write on the message board.  I'm at my own house now for a couple days then a LONG trip to Iowa to visit my husband. Calgone take me away!!

Posted 10/31/2010 2:32 AM (GMT 0)
((Mrs Mike)) Oh boy, haven't you been having the fun time? :( I'm sorry you're in such a sad situation.

Seriously, I think you're 100% right about the counseling for your mom, but for your dad, what about assisted living? Or would that not be enough help?

Both my parents ended their lives in nursing homes, and they were fully with-it mentally. Their bodies just needed 24-hr care, and neither my brother nor I were up to it physically, unfortunately. I hated to do it, and I hated the places, but that's another story.

I hope you can relax some and separate yourself from your parents' relationship, but that's so hard!!

Debbie
Posted 10/31/2010 6:28 AM (GMT 0)
Mrs_Mike,

My grandmother went through a stage of anger & aggression during her last five years with dementia. My aunt was able to get adult daycare covered by Medicare to help take care of her during the day, three days a week. The last two years, she spent in a nursing home until her wits were all but gone and she could nothing but sleep and moan. I've know people that have gone into assisted living, it costs about 3,000-5,000 a month for a one/two bedroom apt.

I have known angry, older people that have been prescribed Valuim to help calm them. My best friend's father is at a VA nursing home due to constant strokes and inability to care for himself. My friends mom (70) was just unable to care for him anymore. He required 24/7 care and began accussing my friend of trying to poison him and even threatened to get a gun to kill anyone that went near him. Sometimes it's in the best interest of the loved one to be where they can be cared for by some else.

I hope your mom can find comfort in any decision she needs to make in the next few months. I would support her and comfort her as she deals with this situation. It's probably hard for her to deal with your father..the basic feeling of love and/or fear of being alone has probably kept her from filing divorce. She needs to forgive herself for feeling guilty for taking a few moments to herself. I used to put my kids (infant age) in their crib when they were having a three hour crying spree so that I could recoup with a cup of tea without ever feeling a bit of guilt. Maybe that's why they are still living..

Your story reminds me of my over aggressive father-in-law can sometimes be down right mean and my husband has unfortunately pciked up that bad habit. I think I would have left years ago if it weren't for the kids. I feel for her and yourself. I hope that you both can find peace in the difficult decisions that will be needed in the coming months/years.
Posted 10/31/2010 12:08 PM (GMT 0)
It's such a hard decision to make. If my mom could put him in an assissited living facility and still aford her home/car/bills, she would. But they take all but $91 of my dad's money and believe me, my mom has EARNED the rights to that money and needs it :-(. I might have her look into the adult day care thing. I think the VA offered it before so that my mom could get out on her own but my mom said they didn't want a stranger in their house when my dad couldn't keep after them. Dad pretty much lives n the family room down stairs. The kitchen (along with most valuables) is upstairs. I asked my mom the other day "What do you care more about? Having peace of mind or a couple necklaces stolen??" She did give me that "Hmmmm" face. Aside from getting couseling for her self, I told her she needed to talk privately with Dad's PC and make sure she knew exactly what he was doing, including the threats. Don't get me wrong, I love my dad (though sometimes it's hard to) but he sure can be a mean miserable SOB. Makes it uneasy for anyone of us to be around. My dad has 3 children to his first marriage. One lives 20 minues away and he hears from her about 1 time every 4 to 6 months. One lives 6 hours away and comes home every month (kudos to her!!) and I love 4.5 hours away and I am home WAY TOO MUCH!! My half brother lives on the other side of the country but just flew home for a week and I have a while brother that lives 1 mile from them but he's a state trooper and works every shift they can get cuz money is tight. SO... Anyway. HELP!! :-) (I slept good last night, always feels good to be in your own bed!)
Posted 10/31/2010 12:14 PM (GMT 0)
Mrs. Mike....Unfortunately have been in your shoes also, but with my FIL.  He got to the point where he would sneak out of the house, walk to the bank and take out cash advances on two credit cards that were in both his and my MIL's name, thinking it was 'free money'.  He called us one day and told us to go to Chase Bank to get ours...the free money, that is.  He took a second mortgage out on their house....took the application home and forged my MIL's name.  He has locked himself in a room with these giant padlocks and after he went into a nursing home, we blasted the door down and he had been buying every gadget known to man on the Shopping Channel.  They were stacked up like cord wood against all four walls, including several cases of Noxema!  And yes...he was mean and aggressive and would come after us with a baseball bat until he realized who we were.  He took the car and left it in a parking lot...got lost...the police brought him home and it took two weeks to fiind the car.  He also let robbers into the house and sat in a chair and watched them take over $15000 worth of jewelry and art work...he thought they were the 'meter men'.

My MIL got a lawyer, got him declared imcompetent and filed bankruptcy in his name.  He then was elligible for Medicaid and we finally put him in a County facility before he killed one of us.  There was no choice...the abuse was intolerable and after the robbery, he continued to invite strangers in the house when my MIL was out of the house, even after hiring someone to stay with him when she had to leave for appointments etc. (she and three others quit after he threatened them physically).   I do know Medicare will pay for someone to come into the house.  Your mother needs some kind of relief..it will take a toll on her and the rest of the family.  Maybe you could check into that option as while they were there with your father, you mom could leave and get some 'alone time'. 

And my FIL's favorite saying was..."Mind your own business...oh, I forgot, you don't have a mind."  If he only knew how absurd that was...

I hope you can find a way to get some help for your mom and your family.

Hugs

Donna

Posted 10/31/2010 6:06 PM (GMT 0)
WOW donna!! What a terrible experience!! I'm not sure of the medicare or the medicaid. If I heard my mom right, they dropped the medicare as they had a $1200 deductable to meet before medicare would kick in. Why pay that when the VA takes care of everything. I'll have to ask her about it. It's just getting nuts. Of course we aren't quite where you were. He has had friends drive him around and he's gathering information on how to buy one of those road legal 3 wheeled motorcycles?? He thinks he can ride down to the hardware store still!! The Dr's said he's not alowed to drive but he secretly sent in for his driver's license renewal without my mom knowing. He won't drive a regular vehicle. THANK GOD!! but I don't know why he thinks he can operate anything else without hurting himself or someone else in the meantime. Thanks for the replies everyone. I'm gonna enjoy my peace and quiet at my house one more night then back to their house I go *grumble grumble*. Wish us luck!
Posted 10/31/2010 6:16 PM (GMT 0)
I'm on Medicare and the deductible isn't nearly that much.  It changes from year to year.  I think it was a little over $100 last year. 

 

If your father's doctor said he shouldn't drive anymore, I'd get that licence from him.  He could kill himself and also innocent people.  He sounds like a danger to your Mom, himself, and anyone around him.  I think he is mentally sicker than you realize.  I'd check the VA and see what is available for Alzheimer's people.  I know we have a place in town for people suffering from Alzheimer's and the doors are locked.  They cannot get out and harm themselves and others.  I'm sure there are places like that for you too. 

 

Look into getting a durable power of attorney.  Talk to your Mom about this.  She could get it.  This would allow her to sell the house if she needed to without his signature.  She can draw on your father's social security, I believe, and that could help her through.  This way, your Dad would be taken care of and your Mom could start enjoying life.  This is torture what she is going through.  No one needs to live that way.

 

Let us know what you find out.

 

Sherrine

Posted 10/31/2010 10:04 PM (GMT 0)
MrsMike, (edited for my fibro fog mistake.)

If your dad was in the military, he should be able to apply for Tricare for Life program. Has he been declared disabled by the VA? If not, you need to start that process.

Go to the nearest VA Rep. in their area and find out what he qualifies for exactly and get the DD214 (his discharge paperwork.) The VA will not pay your mother as a care giver. They will however pay a child. You can then disperse it as needed. This will be added to their income IF they qualify as having a need.

If you dad was in a war time WWII, Korea, Viet NAM, or Persian Gulf he hs benefits that other soldiers do not have. You can not apply without the DD214 though. (As a side note, if you dad did serve during this time, should your mother ever become seriously ill, she qualifies for $$ to help take care of her as well if they fall into the income category the VA allows for. They deduct all of the medical expenses from income. This includes buying him diapers or band aids down to alcohol bottles.)

We are in the process of getting my husband declared disabled with the VA. We are fighting for $$$ to pay our daughter for all of the extra care.

You might also want to check in with Meals on Wheels............to get your mom a break and in my mother's area, this was free food. In SC and a few other states, the Elderly can qualify for a cleaner to come in for 2 free hours a week. (My mom has this and the lady cleans my mother's home very well. She cleans the sheets on mom's bed, will re-dress the bed, bathroom, vacuums, mops and will wash dishes if needed.)

Go to the Agency over the elderly in their area to see what benefits your mother can apply to have. Even if Mom can do some of these things, this could give her a break. They told us that if we were taking care of Mom, this would give us a 2 hour break of someone being in the home so we could run errands.

Medicare told us they will not pay for in home caregivers. They will pay for nursing home IF they have used all of their money and sold mom's home. We are just now coming up on the 5 yr waiting period for the house to be out of Mom's name so it is safe from having to be sold. It is in our name should Mom ever have to go to the nursing home. (She has TIAs and dementia going on , so this is a real possibility.)

I really feel for you! You will need to go in person because you get better answers this way. Let your dad's dr know that he renewed his driver's license and he can take legal action to get that pulled if he has said no more driving. (We let MOmma keep her license, but she knows she can not drive anymore..........she did sneak in the car and drove it threw the yard, but she set the alarm off and it scared her so badly not knowing how to turn it off, that she has not attempted this again. A neighbor had to come to her aid. We also told her that her auto insurance will not pay for an accident should she drive. her sitter drives her on errands.)

I hope this helps you some. Each state is different, so phone calls and appts are necessary, but hopefully your mom can get some help. (and you as well! This DOES take a toll on the children and is very stressful for fibromites to handle.)
Posted 10/31/2010 10:08 PM (GMT 0)
With dementia issues, you might get some help from the mental health agency in their area as well.
Posted 11/2/2010 8:31 PM (GMT 0)
This is just my opinion, and it may sound harsh, but if you want your mom to live, your dad needs to go into a facility and you and your siblings need to find out a way for him to do it. When my mom went into the nursing home before she died, she went straight from the hospital to the nursing home and they didn't count any of my dad's money as income. He was able to keep all his income. My mom was on hospice and Medicaid.

I truly believe if my mom had put my dad in a nursing home instead of trying to take care of him (stroke, mid dementia, terrible attitude, very rude, sometimes physically threatening, lack of hygiene, outbursts), she would be alive today and not in the grave for the past four years. Even though she had emphysema, I think the stress of taking care of him made it so much worse that she finally just gave up and decided if she couldn't change the situation she lost her will to live and died herself.

My father is intelligent enough he can fool the doctors into thinking he is capable of doing a lot of things himself.
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