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Letting people feel how they feel

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Posted 12/27/2010 11:51 PM (GMT 0)
I'm a bit steamed up.  I just got home from visiting a 90-year-old friend and her family (she was my mother's best friend for over 50 years.)  When I got there, her daughter told me that anything I could say to make her mother feel more positive about her situation would be good.

Well, I'm sorry, but that's not the relationship I have with this woman!  I really don't feel it's my place to point out to her that she is in a relatively good assisted living place (she knows) and that people are doing what they can for her (she knows!)  The fact is that she's dying, and she is too weak to do anything for herself, and she is not too happy about this - which I think is normal.  She is still more sweet and caring  than most people I know.  Of course, it's not acceptable to make everyone around you miserable and act out aggressively toward people - but that's not the case here.

When my parents were dying, they did not appreciate all the "now now, you've had a good, long life"-s and the false cheer.  I feel that in order to come to terms with what's happening, my friend should be allowed to grieve her many losses without constantly hearing, "Smile!  It's not THAT bad!" or "Well, at least you've got a roof over your head!"

Agree or disagree?  confused

Posted 12/28/2010 1:36 AM (GMT 0)
I agree, wholeheartedly!
Posted 12/28/2010 2:14 AM (GMT 0)
I totally agree. Your friend's family probably means well, but they are way off base. "Their" way would not ease your friend's suffering or help her come to terms w/her situation. Saying "smilte" all the time to a person in her situation would be disrespectful, in my mind, and would rob her of her human dignity. Just my two, three and four cents.

Sorry, I just feel strongly about this issue.

V
Posted 12/28/2010 2:51 AM (GMT 0)
Good to hear that I'm not alone here. I feel strongly about it, too. I think we are so afraid of death (as a culture) that we sometimes try to deny its coming, almost until the end. I've been visiting this woman at least twice a month for over a year, so I'm not coming into this situation cold. Her daughter lives very far away and only gets home 3 times a year, so I understand she's probably in shock.

My friend is confused in some ways, such as where her room is in relation to her husband's (they say this is due to Parkinson's) so she's on a memory care unit. But in other ways, in using language to express her memories and feelings, she's remarkably articulate and clear. My own personal belief is that (possibly) part of her is already starting to go into another realm - call it what you will. It seems to me that she just wants to be heard, to have her feelings acknowledged. That's not too much to ask! She's always been one of the most gracious people I've ever known...even now, she apologizes for not getting up when I come in.

It's really pretty heartbreaking.

Debbie
Posted 12/28/2010 5:32 AM (GMT 0)
I agree. It is much better to be in an environment to be allowed to be real. Encouragement and uplifting talk is good and helpful. But what you are describing is invalidating. It is difficult enough to feel bad than to have to also feel guilty for feeling bad. Sounds like your good friend is a wonderful person and is feeling like any human would feel. Can you uplift her without saying, "yeah, but . . . " Maybe some good news or happy stories would be nourishing to her soul.

Sue
PS - I also don't like to dwell on feeling bad either. I like to be just "regular."
Posted 12/29/2010 4:25 AM (GMT 0)
I'm another who agrees with you. It sounds like the daughter has her head in the sand on this one. One comment I hear from my daughter, as well as a few others in my world, is..."It's all good." NO, sometimes it's NOT all good and I sure don't appreciating people blowing off things that are important, to me at least, with this type of thinking. Seems like the daughter might fall into this camp.

I've spent enough time visiting people I love in nursing homes and I also agree that they just want someone to talk to and to actually listen to them. Recalling the past, sharing stories and memories is very important to many, especially as they face the end of life. Think about it. Would most of us like to be alone, no one to share our 'stories' with, no one who we feel is really listening? I'm sure the nurses listen but on a very different level than family and/or friends.

Hopefully this daughter will go home and as unkind as it may sound to say this...maybe staying home is the best thing she can do for mom. Love shows through so easily. If people come to visit out of duty it shows like a flashing beacon. If they come out of love, like you do, then the warmth and caring comes through to the one you are visiting.

Keep up the great job!
Chutz
Posted 12/29/2010 5:09 AM (GMT 0)

You are her friend.  Her daughter is unable to be that for her.  Her daughter wants you to do things her way so she does not have to feel so bad.  Her daughter is somebody to feel sorry for, and pray for (if you pray).  Your friend who is dying is better off than her daughter.  Your friend knows how to express herself.

Went through a similar situation.  I did what was best for the dying person, not the physically healthy one who couldnt come to terms with a sick mother.  I do not regret one bit of it either.

I apologize for being harsh, you touched a raw nerve! 

Posted 12/29/2010 3:41 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you both, Chutz and Free Spirit. You make me feel better for not "playing along." I also get annoyed by people saying, "It's all good!" Another one that really gets me is, "Oh, you're fine," when I try to explain why I need help with my groceries. My daughters tell me I'm being silly about this, just way too sensitive.

Well, yeah, I guess I am too sensitive - that's what I'm trying to say :) but I'm not "fine!"

Debbie
Posted 12/29/2010 8:13 PM (GMT 0)
Maybe the daughter doesn't know any other way to cope with it. And saying that everything is fine makes her feel okay with the situation. I see where you are coming from, but I don't think that the daughter knows any other way to deal with the fact that her mother is dieing. We should all pray for her for strength.

You are a good friend. Your friend is lucky to have you around.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 12/29/2010 10:58 PM (GMT 0)
Debbie, I absolutely agree with you. You probably know her mother better than she does and you don't need someone telling you to say, YOU know what to say. Do your thing and the daughter just has to accept it, she will probably be leaving again. My 2 cents.
Posted 12/29/2010 11:28 PM (GMT 0)
My experiance working as an activity aide(years ago) with the
elderly taught me that people want to have their concerns heard.
they want to know that you are truly listening and care and that you
are there for them. I have found that most elderly people enjoy
talking about their youth and fond memories of friends and family.

Patients should also be able to discuss their fears and discomfort
openly...the most important thing is to know someone truly cares.

Debbie, both you and your elderly friend are so blessed to have
one another.

Hugs, Robin
Posted 12/30/2010 6:27 PM (GMT 0)
I agree completely. I sounds like maybe it's the daughter that needs her Mom to be positive and can't handle thinking that her mother isn't happily embracing the end of her life with open arms. Her request that you encourage her Mom to be positive isn't for Mom's benefit, it's for the daughter. It sounds like the daughter is just not strong enough to be able to be there in the way her Mom really needs.

I agree that it isn't your job right now to be there for the daughter. Comfort for the daughter comes later. Be there for your friend, your Mom's friend. Listen to her fears, her memories, whatever SHE needs. Comfort for the Mom during her last days/months in whatever form that takes is what is important now. I don't think any of us are happy about the idea of dying. Accepting the idea that we all will and being happy about it are two completely different things. No one ever said that we had to be happy about it. :) I'm glad that your friend has you to listen to her.
Posted 12/30/2010 7:05 PM (GMT 0)
OH! I agree also. some people don't want to hear about it. Some people say that's all I talk about is my medical issues but when you live with pain everyday of your life it's kind of all ya think about. My husband and I both live with chronic pain and we complain about it constantly to eachother it makes us feel better to talk about it.
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