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to tell or not to tell - that is the work place question -

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Posted 5/27/2011 3:00 AM (GMT 0)
Does anyone have any advice on whether or not to tell a supervisor about Fibro. This is the situation:

I have struggled through six years of school to get my degree in mechanical engineering and I now have a great job that has exultant flexibility that will allow me to keep it.

The company doctors are aware of my situation and have cleared me to work. I am performing well and will be getting a promotion in two months.

However, I am using all my sick days and flex time just to get through each week. My supervisor is very sharp and he has noticed that something is different about me. He has not mentioned it yet but if I keep up this way I am afraid that he will. He is really a great boss and that is so rare. I think I could re leave some tension and anxiety if he had some understanding of what I go through each day, and particularly why I can call in sick with no real "sick" symptoms the next day.

On the other hand if I do inform him it is a bridge that is burnt and I can never go back. Just not sure what to do...

Any opinions?

rolleyes
Posted 5/27/2011 5:15 AM (GMT 0)
Wow, cog~~

That's some question you are asking but as I look at it I would guess the question is somewhat common. In the long run you are the one who knows the boss the best so you can have the best insight of predicting what would happen.

When I was still working I was able to tell the people I worked with that I had a 'muscle condition' and it gave me pain problems off and on. Most were fine with that. I never heard any snide or nasty remarks from anyone including those who signed my paycheck. They knew I hadn't missed a day of work in years so when I did catch the bugs that my students carried in, I was really sick.

On the other hand it was my family whom I decided not to tell. I refused to tell my parents for a couple of good reasons. First, they were quite elderly...one near and the other over 80...when I was diagnosed with fibro. I'm the only child of 2 who interacts with them regularly and is there for them when needed. Because of a bad first marriage they became quiet worriers about me, more than I knew until much later. There was no reason to tell them of the fibro when there was nothing either one could do except worry and mom had her hands full already with dad declining from cancer and the beginnings of either dementia or Alzheimers. How could I keep it from them? Easy! I have a collapsed disk in my lower back and arthritis in my spine/neck area so mom attributed my aches and pains to that. Why should I tell her any different since it did cause me pain...just wasn't the only thing that caused pain.

And also with family, mom and day both had 5 brothers & sisters and were part of a generation who actually wrote letters regularly to each other. They phoned also but they felt a duty to pass on anything that happened to family members....even their hemorrhoids! I'm not kidding either! Well, one day my parents and an aunt and uncle came over...this aunt and uncle are the ones in the family that no one wants to have visit them. You had to keep a list of excuses if they called...lol But when the aunt came up to me she asked all about the personal problems with my colitis...in detail!! Mom had told her...and mom didn't even care for this woman. What's going on in my colon is MY business...not to be spread around like gossip of who's cousin Randy's been cheating with this time. (and that's true too.lol)

This is a very long way of saying each of our situations are so different. I know that I made the right decision with my parents but not so sure about a couple of people in the workplace. They could have spawned some rumors I heard about me once...but it's in the past now. I wish I could give you a definitive answer but then I'm not sure I should. All I can do is share what happened to me and hope others do too. Then you can see what has happened in other people's scenarios and make your best judgment call for you.

I wish you the best with your decision. Whatever way you go it will be the right one. Why? Because you made the best decision you could at the time with the information you had. Things change and sometimes we regret what we've done but you will do what's right after you weigh the odds.

Hugs,
Chutz
Posted 5/27/2011 5:33 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks Chutz for your insights. I really am not looking for an "answer" as much as trying to gather the experience of others to help me make a decision. I think I will eventually tell him something, but it may be a more "vague" description like you did.

The other idea I had is to get my doc (who is absolutely awesome) to write a formal letter explaining general things. This would help to formalize the condition as "official" which is always good.

After laying in bed for two years (which didn't help at all by the way) having lost my personal successful business of 9 years, with no job, I decided I needed to think of work that I could do with the strength I had. 6 years of school, two "lab monitoring" jobs, and a Summa Cum Laude engineering Degree later, I got a great job that allows me to support my family. Sometimes willing things can make them happen.

Life can be good, even for those who suffer.

Thanks again for the input and I hope to hear others experiences on this topic.
Posted 5/27/2011 6:19 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Cognizance,

I have been wondering about the exact same thing lately. Should i tell them? Should i not?
Only difference with me is my boss is NOT very nice... In fact to be quite honest he is a complete prick ;) For that reason i am at the moment leaning more towards the not telling...
I have told my closest colleague that i 'might' have an issue with my muscles (again a rather vague explanation) and that i need to see a doctor about it and that i'm yet unsure of the amoun of problems it might or might not cause in my work envirement.
My absolute biggest issue at work though is the stress factor... I work in the diamond business for Indian people and they are very pushy all the time. U can never ever do anything right for these people. I have also been taking quite a few sick days lately, also with vague symptoms like i have a migraine or i feel fluish or whatever, and my boss is starting to ask more and more questions since i take double the sick days that the other employees do...
This adds an extra question for me: wouldn't it be better for me in the long run to change jobs all together?
Since i'm struggling with the same thing i also look forward to everyone elses experiences.
As said above it will mainly be dependant on your very own situation.
In my case i will delay my desicion untill my drs appointment and take it from there ;)

Good luck with finding your answers!

Fiona
Posted 5/27/2011 10:34 PM (GMT 0)
Famengel,

I think you are right not to tell if you can have a good understanding and professional relationship with your boss. If he doesn't respect you now it will only be worse if you tell. On the other hand it is important to have good reasons for sick days so it is a real Dilemma.

I would strongly suggest that you consider another type of work. And don't be afraid of looking really long term. Sometimes things seem so unattainable and far away, but time passes and you can make real changes. Think about it. Imagine yourself in your new job with your same symptoms and what it would take not to be stressed about it. If you can see it, you can get there. good Luck.
Posted 5/28/2011 1:02 AM (GMT 0)
I don't know where you live but I would give a call to your local labor board, or what ever would be the equal of.
Just a thought.
Posted 5/28/2011 1:54 AM (GMT 0)
Great question! I'm still on the fence about this one. It is such a huge part of our lives, yet, sadly, I truly believe that the majority of people have no idea how disabling fibromyalgia can be and thus, will not understand the gravity of your diagnosis. I'm sure I'm not alone in saying that I've met doctors who didn't even understand the symptoms of this condition - how would your average layperson be able to understand it and be compassionate? I have been reluctant to disclose it to many, many people and when I have finally broken down and tried to explain why I have no energy to clean my house, to go grocery shopping, to go on playdates, etc., I never, ever get the desired response. People see how functional you are at various times (largely because we are all trying to appear as functional and able bodied as possible!) and so if you tell them how you feel sick 100% of the time, and are always in pain, etc., they just think you're being dramatic, I think. In an employment setting, there are other ramifications you must consider- is your boss going to choose you when she has a challenging project that is going to require a lot of time and energy? or is she going to worry that it will stress you out and affect your health and you won't be able to come through for her? If she has you, and another employee that are equivalent in all other areas, who will she pick? Why give her a reason to pick the other guy? Now, it'd be one thing if your boss approached you in this hypothetical situation and said, "Hey, Cognizance, I have this big project coming up and I could really use your help. It will require you to put in about 60 hour weeks next month and may even require some all nighters, do you think you could do it?" If that happened you could give her an honest answer, but we all live in the real world and this isn't (typically) how decisions are made.

So, no, I don't think I would fully disclose, and I have in an employment situation and it was disastrous and I "exposed myself" needlessly. Good luck in whatever you decide!
Posted 5/28/2011 2:23 AM (GMT 0)
Hey Andrea11,

I have been in a work situation where I hid my problems very effectively...until I fell down in the hallway one day and couldn't move at all. My employer freaked out when three paramedics hauled me off on a flat board with a neck brace, siren blaring and all. They asked me not to come back untill I had "resolved" the issue. It was right before I went back to school and so I didn't fight it, but I never included them in my work history... smilewinkgrin

So I think the important thing is getting to a place where you can be an asset to your employer is unique way. I have been fortunate to have done a lot of extra studying on heat transfer and fluid dynamics in school and three months ago a key person quit and I was asked to head up the small new department because I was the only one who had any inkling of the knowledge at the time.

I must admit it has been like drinking from a fire hose trying to fill the shoes of a three PHD and two masters degree holding employee. Bit it is a great opportunity and I am recieving a promotion in two months. So I have been blessed. I have also forced myself NOT to work more than 40 hours even though it is a 60 hour a week job. So I am not performing as other people would....but I am still the only one who can do the work turn This allows me to have some flexibility in how much I do and when.

I think in the end I will discuss my Fibro with my Boss but it will be in a structured private setting with documentation from my doctor. He is bound by company policy not to disclose any medical information about his employees to anyone else in the company. Also, I really don't think he would anyway. He really is a great boss.

I am so sorry for those of us who can't work. It is so important to our self esteem and our sanity. We were made to work. Even if you cannot hold a job I would encourage everyone to try to find something that is productive to help structure your life. Doing for others is a great way to not become to self absorbed with is a real danger with chronic pain.

Thanks for all your input and It is so good to hear from others who struggle with the same issues. This forum has been great for me. So thanks All, and never give up trying.

"A healthy attitude can heal a sick body"
Posted 5/28/2011 2:27 AM (GMT 0)
From my experience I would say do not tell. I was diagnosed long ago, over 22 years and at that time most people had never heard of FM. They simply did not understand and one gentleman even asked me if I was 10 years older than I told him because of all the aches and pains I had... nice, huh? In the business world, it's about money, bottom line...management wants to see production. People that are absent are not productive. I would try very hard to not say too much.
Posted 5/28/2011 11:49 AM (GMT 0)
" In the business world, it's about money, bottom line...management wants to see production. People that are absent are not productive. I would try very hard to not say too much." - MT Lady
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EXACTLY, MT Lady!! Cognizance, you know your boss best, as well as all the other factors involved. My concern in this type of situation (and this is not directed at your situation, specifically, but anyone who is grappling with this serious question) is fear of the unknown - what happens if the boss gets promoted to a different division, transferred, moves to a different company, etc., and then you no longer have that person to "protect you" and find yourself with a new, less understanding supervisor. Or what happens if someone comes along with the equivalent experience, skills, education, etc. who is NOT sick so often and racking up the insurance bills? Ayy, decisions, decisions, right?

I agree w/your advice regarding staying busy, Cognizance. I think one would only tend to get more depressed and thus feel worse physically if they didn't try to at least attempt to be productive with their time, but of course that all depends on how bad their condition is. I know some of you are in so much pain and your condition is so severe that it is exhausting just to leave your house. Best wishes to all.
Posted 5/28/2011 9:56 PM (GMT 0)
I, too, struggled with whether or not to tell my employer. I work in an insurance company as a phone customer service rep, and we are a small department (only 15 people), and while my immediate supervisor is okay, our company has a history of finding ways to make people with chronic issues go away. I went several months before approaching the subject.
I'm kind of close with the ladies that sit in the same row as me, and every one of them has/had some kind of health problem (one lady has been battling breast cancer for a long time), so I mentioned it to them only, and asked that they not say anything. I felt that since we were so dependent upon each other, being such a small team, I owed it to them to fill them in on my problem, and the havoc it could wreak. There were several times when the pain in my arms and/or collarbone area was so bad, it hurt to type and even reach over to answer the phone. Oftentimes, I had to simply sit and rest until the pain subsided. I wanted them to be aware that I wasn't goofing off, I truly hurt but did not want to stay home.
After a few weeks, seeing how responsive, and even curious, they were about my condition, I finally braved facing my manager. I sat down with her and explained what was going on, that I was under a doctor's care, and that I would work to the best of my abilities, but would occasionally need a few minutes of down time. I was surprised that she was very understanding. She notified HR and said every accommodation would be made to make my work space easier. Things were rearranged in my work space so I would not have to move my arms much when in a flare, and I could remain off the phone during a flare, as long as it was not too long.
Personally, I did it mainly for my coworkers, as being away from my job during bad times meant more work for them to take on. Secondly, by informing my employer early on, I feel I have secured my position from being compromised should my condition worsen considerably. I didn't want them to come back later on and ask, "If it was that bad, why didn't you say something?" and avoid being labeled a cheat.
You have to weigh the pros and cons, because it is something progressive, so you can't go back on it later and claim it has gotten better so you don't get in trouble. Also, if it's apparent at this stage that it will be problematic later on, then if you have the opportunity, perhaps another job may help. There are good employers out there, and there are bad ones. But it has to be whatever choice you are comfortable with. Since fibro is being brought out into the public eye more, you stand a good chance you'll have not just a legally-compliant employer, but a sympathetic one as well. Good luck, and sending lots of soft hugs!
Posted 5/31/2011 4:01 PM (GMT 0)
I go through this every single quarter at school.
I haven't and don't want to tell the DRC (disability resource center) at school even though it would "help" if I really needed an issue resolved.
I could technically get priority registration, extra time on tests, note taker and rides to and from classes, and much more. I don't want to tell them.. not sure why.

Some teachers, I never tell, others I tell right off the bat if I know something about the class I might not be able to do. Other ones, I get called aside if they notice something different and others I tell them later on in the quarter if I have a problem with something specific. Like My English class went on a hike, I told them to make sure they didn't mind me lagging behind on it. That was 8 weeks in out of 10.
my business classes I tend not to tell, but physical activities are limited anyways in there.
Posted 6/3/2011 9:08 AM (GMT 0)
The first thing I would do is find out if your company has an intermittent leave policy. I used to work for a very large computer company, and they had several types of leaves. For me, an intermittent leave was a godsend because I was allowed X number of days per week I could miss work, and not have it count towards the attendance policy, I just didn't get paid for the time off if I didn't have vacation or sick time accrued. If this option is available to you, make sure you find out how many hours/time you need to have put in in order to qualify. I found out that my doctor requested too much time for me to be able to miss work, and then I no longer qualified and was let go.

The downside was my boss wanted me to send an email to everyone on my team, explaining why I missed so much work. I wish I would have said no to that request, because for those that don't understand, it created some resentment, however for my lead, it created more understanding because his wife has Fibro too. Another personal downside was that another manager took an interest in asking me how I felt everyday, on a scale of 1 to 10. At first it was nice to have someone care, but then it was annoying and felt kind of invasive because even if I feel like a 3, I'd like to perform like I was at 10 (10 meaning feeling great).

My advice would be, find out what protections your company offers and utilize them, even if you don't need it now, for job protection and peace of mind for the future.
Posted 6/3/2011 12:49 PM (GMT 0)
I work in a hospital and personally I am very open about this disease with every one. I am lucky where my progression of Fibro does not cause me to loose time from work. I have issues where sometimes I forget things, or have problems with the "fog" but everyone is very understanding.

I agree with the other post that I would check into the policy of your work place as regards to taking time off. But if you have an understanding boss who values your work and you can talk to. Sit him down and discuss it with him and see where it goes if worse comes to worse you can do like the other post suggests and try to find something that will work with you.

Gina
Posted 6/3/2011 7:32 PM (GMT 0)
I work for a nursing home run by the state.  I get a lot of sick leave.  I am a private person by nature and was not telling anyone what was going on with me.  I know I am able to get my job done, but sometimes I need to leave early, take some sick time, and I have a lot of doctor's appointments. 

I ended up telling both my former boss and my present boss.  Both were understanding.  I felt like you, that they were wondering what was going on with all the time off. 

For me it was better to be honest, then having someone question whether I am faking sick days or taking advantage (since I know they look at patterns of employees).  the only disadvantage is when my boss would constantly ask how I was feeling.  He means well, but this is a chronic illness that is not going anywhere.  When I have a flare up I don't want someone constantly saying "how are you feeling now?" when I am trying to ignore it and live a normal life.  I guess that just goes back to my desire to be a private person.

Good luck with the decision.  I think it depends on a lot of variables, the type of place you work at, the type of boss you have, and how you handle your job.

Posted 6/5/2011 5:35 PM (GMT 0)
All I can say is be very careful who you trust because this could happen to anyone:

http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/toronto/story/2011/03/03/dental-assistant-lawsuit.html

The worst part was she hadn't even been diagnosed yet!
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