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Loved one with Fibromyalgia - pushing away

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Posted 8/3/2011 7:22 PM (GMT 0)
Hi there, I'm hoping that someone will be able to give me some advice on how to help or stop doing whatever I am doing wrong. My partner of 5 months told me he had ME when we first met, and it has been a difficult relationship. Not on my part, I adore him and would do anything to help him. But he does suffer from depression and has had moments when he has pushed me away. about a week ago, out of the blue, he told me that he didn't want the relationship anymore, that he hated his life and didn't want to drag me down with him. I gave him the space that he asked for, and wished every moment i was by his side to help him through it, but respected his decision. He has since told me that although he still loves me, he can only be friends, as he can't cope with his life anymore.
I am sorry if I am sounding selfish...I adore this man, would do anything for him, and it is so painful to watch him push me away or pull away from me, when I think that right now he needs a person who loves him to help him through it. he doesn't have many friends. I just don't know what to do to help him, I don't know whether to just walk away, to keep by his side. It is so painful to watch someone you love hurting like he is and not being able to do anything for him.
Im sorry if I sound selfish, one evening we were planning our future, the next afternoon he texts he wants no more relationship between us. I just want to help him through whatever he's going to go through.
Posted 8/4/2011 3:55 PM (GMT 0)
It sounds to me he is suffering from some major depression. When I get like that I feel helpless/hopeless and tend to push away those who love me the most. I don't know why I do that, I certainly know it's not the right thing to do, but for some reason that is my response.

I go "underground" and withdraw from everyone, but of course the most withdrawn I get, the deeper the depression grows. It is such a tough battle. If we're not fighting one thing, we're battling another, and some days it just feels too overwhelming and it's easy to give up and not want to drag others down with us.

I'm sorry that you're facing a situation like this. It must be very difficult to be in your shoes right now.
Posted 8/4/2011 4:54 PM (GMT 0)
Depression does horrible things to the one that has it and to those that love him/her. I know when I am depressed (mine comes in waves, waxes and wanes and sometimes weeks can go by and I'm fine) I feel as if I am falling into a dark hole that I can't climb out of. If you can picture that dark hole, well, there's really no room for anyone else. I realize it's difficult to really understand; there you are, just wanting to love him and he's pushing you away. You both might want to consider counseling, separately, or maybe together, guess it depends on how you and the therapist feels. One year of psychotherapy helped me through a lifetime of depression, of "stuffing" my feelings down, trying not to feel them. I'm not cured, but oh so much better. I have learned how to cope with depression. The therapist gave me the tools.
I wish you well
Miriam
Posted 8/4/2011 5:03 PM (GMT 0)
Hi, Marie, and welcome.  I totally agree with Crush and Miriam.  This is more of a psychological problem right now.  He sees no future with fibro but there sure it one!  I've had a good life in spite of this illness and he can, too. 

 

My husband suffered from depression and I was finally able to get him help.  He went to a psychiatrist.  They know the right meds for the type of depression someone is suffering from.  They know more about the medications than GPs do, I think.  My husband went from a withdrawn person to the social director of the neighborhood once he was put on the right medication!

 

We have some good ideas that could help with his fibro pain, too.  I use a couple of supplements that have really helped me.  They are malic acid/magnesium supplements and vitamin D3 supplements.  Many with fibro are lacking these and if you are deficient, you will have more pain and fatigue.  Also, see if he will go out for a walk with you.  Walking helps with the pain and the gentle exercise will help raise the serotonin levels and that will make him feel better, too.  If you sit or lay too much with fibro you will be stiff as a board and in more pain.

Tell him about us, too!  He can check out the forum, read posts, etc. and get some ideas there, too.  Be sure you and he checks out Fibro 101...the second thread on the forum.  There are links to good info about fibro and you folks will learn a lot there.

I'll be praying that you can get through to him and help him seek the help he needs.  Please let us know how things go for you.

Sherrine 

Posted 8/9/2011 8:15 PM (GMT 0)
Hello there, sorry I haven't replied before. Thank you so much for your supportive comments. It helped me to put things into perspective, and not to think so much of myself, but what was actually going through my friend's mind and heart first.
We have started communicating again, slowly he is being able to talk about it. Now that he has gone through this episode of depression, he is able to talk a little about it and how he is feeling about the Fibromyalgia. So, thank you, very much. I shall keep you posted!
Posted 8/9/2011 8:28 PM (GMT 0)
This is good news!  It might take some time but it is well worth it.

 

Sherrine

Posted 8/9/2011 10:16 PM (GMT 0)
I've pushed relationships away after I got diagnosed, and it's something I'm still working on (not doing).

My last boyfriend and I were together for 3 years and before that we were really good friends. He knew me before I was sick. After I got sick, he couldn't handle it and the relationship ended. I have always been very independent and took care of myself. The last year he and I were together, I was completely dependent on him, especially financially (even though before the FM, I made considerably more money than he did).

My issue has been that even though I'm much better now, I still struggle with flairs that either cost me my job or my financial stability. I really don't want to be dependent on another person, especially after only one bad experience.

A person I have been dating for the past year told me that while it's commendable to not WANT to be dependent, that we are all dependent on others in some capacity, and we shouldn't take away their decision if they want to help or support.

That really opened my eyes. I love helping other people, and I wouldn't want that taken away from me.

What may help too, is let the person know how their friendship/relationship benefits you. Let them know all the ways they are an asset in your life. When you are depressed or limited in what you can do, it's difficult to keep this stuff in mind.
Posted 10/16/2011 12:53 PM (GMT 0)
Hello there,
I posted a few weeks ago, about my friend who was suffering from depression through the fibromyalgia and pushing all of us away. Just wanted to let you know, that although there are still bad days, he is very slowly, but at least able to, move towards accepting our help and support.
Thank you all for your messages, sorry I havent thanked you before.
Best regards to all
Posted 10/16/2011 4:57 PM (GMT 0)
Hi marie65,

I've read that walking and proper nutrition, and supplements can help depression. Also, since I know what it's like to have fibro and currrently very comfortable with the relationship I'm in I would advise you to not expect too much of him. I'm glad my boyfriend doesn't push me to do things and he's always there to listen.

Good luck to you.
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