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Posted 5/4/2012 8:24 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Friends,

This question doesn't have much to do with fibro but I sure find at times that stress can make the symptoms worse. And hearing people's opinions in this forum is certainly a godsend.

If I could ask you a personal question to see what you think. My husband's younger 50 year old brother hasn't worked for a few years and his wife just lost her unemployment. She is looking for a job but she isn't willing to lower her standards and take a job that isn't as good as what she had. She was an accountant for many years for her father's business that went under. Both she and my husband's brother don't seem to be trying very hard to find employment especially my husband's brother. He sits at home every day smoking pot (my husband says for his back) and he drinks and watches TV all day. 

My question is my husband has talked about somewhat supporting his brother and his brother's wife. He said he would never allow them to end up on the street and lose their home. Even though my husband can afford to give us a semi comfortable lifestyle though we live very frugally (if that's a word), it doesn't feel right to me for him to not give his brother some kind of ultimatum if he and his wife don't find work like "If you're not trying very hard to find a job, I'll help you through this rough time but for only a specified amount of time."

My husband is planning to say something like: "You can't count on me forever" and nothing else.

I'm considering asking my husband to meet with an alcoholic anonymous counselor about this subject.

Thanks.

Post Edited (always wondering if) : 5/4/2012 2:28:58 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 5/4/2012 12:48 PM (GMT 0)
Remember....you asked! 

 

They are both adults and should be responsible for their own actions.  It's not like they are disabled and can't do any type of work.  THEY are making these bad choices so, if this were me, I wouldn't give them a penny!  Why should you work hard and give them money so they can sit at home, etc.?  They sure can find money for pot, cigarettes, and booze!  They also have a house that they could take out a second mortgage if they needed the money.  Or, they could sell the house and get an apartment if they want to sit at home and not work.  But the bottom line is, they need to take care of themselves.  They need to get off their butts and get busy...even if it means working at McDonald's flipping burgers.  If they want to eat, they need to work for it...like most of us do.

 

I'm a very compassionate person who helps people who NEED help.  I sponsor two children through World Vision, give to my ministry, and also give to a local food and shelter ministry.  I'm not tight-fisted.  I'm just a firm believer that life is made up of choices and what we choose, we should be held responsible for.  Good choices make life far happier.  

 

Sherrine 

Posted 5/4/2012 1:17 PM (GMT 0)
Ditto to everything Sherrine said. We have helped both a friend and a family member financially in the past, and both times it ended up being either uncomfortable or just plain disastrous. Also, both times the people didn't necessarily "need" the money to survive; it just made their lives easier. We learned our lesson and will never do it again.

I also sponsor a child overseas and give to my local church and food pantry regularly. I also donate to other organizations seasonally, but I have drawn the line at this point in my life and won't give cash to friends, family, or strangers. I would especially be reluctant to try to help someone who doesn't appear to try to be helping himself/herself (barring physical or mental illness).

If your dh really feels compelled to help financially, maybe he could tell them that he is able to give them X amount of money for X amount of months. That way they have a finite amount of money within a defined time period. Otherwise, I'm afraid you will end up adopting a couple of 50 year olds.

Good luck. I hope you find a solution that both you and your hubby are comfortable with.
Posted 5/4/2012 1:56 PM (GMT 0)
I agree with Sherrine,

This is not your problem, this is theirs. Are they staying with you? I sure hope not. Stick to your guns. Take care of you...

Best wishes,

Hugs, Karen
Posted 5/4/2012 2:08 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks so much, everyone. This really helps me to deal with this situation knowing that how I feel isn't cold hearted and not compassionate like my husband thinks.

I spoke to a g/f this morning and she told me I shouldn't rock the boat and just trust my husband. Frustrating, thanks for your reassurance.


I would really like us to move away from his brother because my husband acts more like a father to him than a brother. I could just see if something happened to them my husband would want to be there to take care of them.

Thanks again Sherrine, Karen, and AustenFan. We're going to begin seeing a therapist together very soon and talk to him about alanon. Not sure if that's spelled right. I think this will be the most important topic we discuss.

Thank goodness for friends like you and therapists.

Post Edited (always wondering if) : 5/4/2012 8:11:26 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 5/4/2012 2:22 PM (GMT 0)
I think I would have to agree with the others. The only thing is that his brother that smokes pot and drinks is probably aware that it might be hard to get a job. Most places do drug screens now and it takes about a month to leave your system to have a clean drug screen. He might be so dependent that he doesn't have the will power to help himself. Who knows the wife might be in with him. I might would talk with the brother and see what assistance are out there for chemical dependency. I would never help pay for a drug program because you will be out of thousands of dollars. As sometime they need to be accountable for themselves. What is probably happened is your husband has cushioned their lifestyle some and it keeps them from hitting rock bottom. Your husband has become an enabler. Sometimes people do recover and get on with their lives because they are so tired of hitting rock bottom. Talking with an dependency counselor is a great thing, they will also lead you in the direction of alanon. You be surprised how much free chemical dependency treatments are out there at least in my state. Good luck!

Post Edited (ak angel) : 5/4/2012 8:26:14 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 5/4/2012 2:35 PM (GMT 0)
Our women's bible study from Beth Moore just discussed this topic. It is fine to help people in need but we must be careful that we are not keeping them from encountering their "God moments" etc. Sometimes the hard things in life are meant to bring us closer to God.

It is hard not to want to intervene for those we love but sometimes we do more harm than good. I would recommend praying about it. Also, sometimes cash isn't the best idea. Food to stock the fridge or actually paying a bill directly with them might be best. They may not use the cash for the purpose you intend it for and then it will really put a strain on the whole relationship thing.

I sure hope you are able to work things out with your spouse and find a way to support them you can both agree on.
Posted 5/4/2012 6:43 PM (GMT 0)
Your husband could give his brother a doosy... he can say to his brother "I will help support you for ____ amount of time under these circumstances of you will go to rehab for abuse of drugs and alchol. If you chose to not agree to my terms and conditions then I will not help you"
.
He may realize some things.... but first and foremost, pray about it and see what God wants. In all honesty, cash is not the best choice, as he can buy more pot with it or drinks. If you are to help, it needs to be something like you buying food, you paying rent, you paying electric bill all directly with them. I had a friend I helped by giving her money to help take care of her child. She abused that, and kept coming to me for money, and I noticed the baby (6months old) didn't have hardly any diapers, food. Like she told me she needed. I noticed she was acting funny. I asked her "what did you do with the money I gave you for the diapers and formula?" and she responded "I got them" I said "Where? I dont see them? You are lying to me and I do not appreciate that. If you really need my help you are going to be honest to me." She admitted to doing pot. So I offered her an offer that insured me the baby was taken care of. I told her "tell you what, you leave her with me and you can come and visit. However, you dont come to get her til you are clean. She will be well taken care of, and I even have baby stuff in my storage." She agreed to that, and that also ensured that the child was being taken care of. I pulled the crib, swing, highchair, booster and stroller out of storage and I took care of her. Fortunally, at the time I was working child care and what I did was enroll her in the same day care. So she went to work with me and everything. By doing that, I helped her like she needed help, but I have given my friend rules to follow. She would call only once a week. I ended up keeping the child til she was 1 til her other best friend called dhs on her.
Posted 5/5/2012 4:19 AM (GMT 0)
I'm a social worker and agree with everything stated above. Giving them financial assistance will only enable them to continue the lifestyle they are living. Assisting them with rent, food etc will also keep them from hitting rock bottom however they need to hit rock bottom to realise they need to make some changes. The only assistance I would give is to refer them to a substance misuse program and job seeker programs. It is called tough love and whilst your husband might not want to see them living on the streets, his form of assistance will only make their situation worse - it will not help them in the long run and will only place stress and strain on your own relationship. If the wife is desperate, she will get a job anywhere, so obviously she's not desperate enough yet. The most important thing is to assist them to make change themselves, not to help them continue the lifestyle they are living.

I wish you all the best.

Cheers Lou :)
Posted 5/5/2012 9:40 AM (GMT 0)
Wow, everyone, thank you.

Lou, you are so right. These are the things I've learned through the years in how to handle a situation like this. Hearing from all of you gives me the support I needed.

Smurfy Shadow, what a wonderful person you are to step in like you did. You helped out both of them in a big way. Spicecurry, yes prayer gets us through a lot. Without God in our lives dealing with what comes our way would make life so much more difficult.

Akangel, yes, you are so right. I've talked with my husband about how they should experience heading toward rock bottom. He doesn't seem to understand.

But I have good news. We're attending a alanon meeting Monday night. Does anyone know or has anyone heard what it's like? I'm going to attend the meeting with my husband for emotional support, to learn more on how I can help, and to also learn how this should be handled. We have to attend a meeting to get a one on one appointment.

This is a strange question but a person with fibro and chemical sensitivity has to be so careful. Might they allow smokers to smoke at these meetings? If so, I definitely would not be able to go. My husband is also sensitive to cigarette smoke.

Other question, my husband says he's just going there to listen and he won't participate. Will he be required to participate especially to get that one on one appointment?

Thanks so much everyone!

Post Edited (always wondering if) : 5/5/2012 3:43:53 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 5/5/2012 10:48 AM (GMT 0)
Hi,

I just wanted to share that my husband has woke up and he seems frustrated with me and the situation. He didn't get much sleep and sleep isn't an issue for him.

His family is going out to lunch today and I had told him yesterday that it would probably be better that I not be there because they might sense something is wrong between us. My husband said he didn't want me there either because I might state something negative afterwards about his family.

Last night he told me that I should trust him and just try to be patient for a while longer and wait for his brother and sister-in-law to get a job.

Help! But, thanks, I'm doing better than I was thanks to this forum.
Posted 5/5/2012 12:04 PM (GMT 0)
We are here to support you. I hope that your husband is making the right decision. Sometimes we have to step back and let them make mistakes. As long as it doesn't put you in a financial bind. I am not saying he is making a mistake, I just hope he isn't. I hope he isn't enabling them to continue their life style.

Know that you are doing the best that you can. Try not to let this stress you out as it will only make you feel worse with the fibromyalgia. Take it one day at a time. Keep praying...

Hugs, Karen
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