I'm So Depressed

My week has been filled with depression and anxiety. As you all know there are good days and bad days - this felt like each day just repeated itself. I turned 50 back in June which didn't help much with the depression. My husband of 12 years forgot which started this downhill spiral.

My sister passed away almost 2 years ago from cancer - she fought it for 2 years. I was laid off not long after her diagnosis which gave us time to be together; I'm grateful for every moment we had. Turning 50 was huge since she didn't get too, she passed a month before her 50th birthday and 2 days before Thanksgiving. I was there with her along with her husband holding her hand. I kissed her forehead for the very last time.

Honestly she didn’t understand about my depression, anxiety or Fibro until she got sick, she experienced the horrible panic attacks, depression and of course the pain from cancer. I've heard far too many times "get over it" and wasn't about to say that to her. I was as supportive as I could be. Nevertheless, the loss of her is huge. Our mother passed away 3 years prior and my baby sister lives out of town.

Her husband just sold their house so there were things that she and he wanted the family to have. I can smell her perfume on some things which I've had to clean off. This hurts so much that my throat hurts. At this moment I want to wake up from this nightmare. The pain has literally taken on a life of its own and it won't stop. Anything can trigger a moment frozen in time of what she/we went through. Her crying, pain, prayers; she just wanted to spend more time with her husband. All the while helping others, she was active in her church and had many friends. It was so hard for her to be the one who needed the help. I remember the first time I drove her to Dallas for radiation - she tried to give me money for gas.

I can't breathe, I can't stop hurting and no one hears me. I'm a somewhat functioning deeply depressed person which is draining me. My poor husband got the talk in the kitchen tonight - I'm so scared of living because I fear dying; I've been this way my whole life. All the what if's to my husband - will he still take care of my son if I die? Will he help my son (who just turned 23 and is obese) get a job and have a place to live? Yes, I know it must be my fault that my son is obese or that I'm not helping him by letting him live at home - I've heard all things. So please don't go there. These are my fears, phobias and my son.

My husband works 60 hours a week and drives two hours each way to and from work - he's tired and stressed out. I tried to talk to him but honestly it's just putting a burden on him that he doesn't need. I've closed myself off way before my sister died so there are no friends to share with; no insurance which getting to the doctor is rough. He does the bare minimum since he knows there is no insurance. I'm thinking that maybe what I'm getting is bronchitis on top of having a fibro flare.

I come to the forums when I remember you all are here And post in the wrong spot; sometimes sharing takes too much energy.

 

I gave you a subject line so you will get more responses.

 

Sherrine

Post Edited By Moderator (Sherrine) : 8/20/2012 7:34:31 AM (GMT-6)

Hi, Bitters.  I'm so sorry you are going through such a tough time.  I've had situations like this happen twice in my life.  The first was the loss of my father, my father-in-law, and my sister-in-law (she was only 43) in a five month span of time.  The other was when I lost my husband suddenly of a heart attack and my mother then had a brainstem stroke 17 days later.  It's so hard because we love these people so much. 

 

I was thrown into a depression...yes me!...when my husband died.  I was somewhat like Madisen.  I didn't drink but I did go to bed every night asking God to take me because I didn't want to be here anymore.  Of course, that was quite selfish of me because I wasn't taking into consideration all the people that love me...including my children.  At times like these, though, you just don't think clearly.

 

I almost did become a recluse because I also closed myself off.  I had just moved to Florida and didn't know anyone so this was very simple for me to do.  Thank goodness that I realized that this was NOT a healthy way of handling things.  I joined a widow/widowers group and would go out to lunch with them.  Every time a lunch would come up, I would have to force myself to go but I'm so glad I did.  Please, don't shut yourself off to others.  Humans need others.  We were not created to be alone. 

 

I also headed to grief therapy!  Yes, you can do that, too.  Call your local hospital and they can tell you of a group.  My group therapy was free.  It does help you get a grasp of your feelings and helps you through the stages of grief.

 

I also did a lot of walking and looking at all the beauty around me.  I was trying to escape all the negative things my mind was causing and this helped and helps me a lot.  When you look at the flowers, trees, critters, and even the beautiful sky with the cloud formations, this can make you smile.  Of course, I did a lot of praying when I was walking and also when I was at home. 

 

Still....when I see something that belonged to these people or remember certain memories, I will tear up.  I miss them so this is natural thing to do.  It isn't natural to close myself off and create a lonely world for myself.  This looks like what you are starting to do.  Please don't do that.  Start getting out again.  Call a friend and set up a lunch date.  You won't feel like going but get dressed, get make-up on and head out the door.  You will be glad you did!  You will feel better once you are on the road. 

 

Perhaps join a club of some sort.  Every community has clubs.  Just call your Chamber of Commerce and they can let you know what is available.  It could be a club that plays cards, a political club, a genealogical club...there has to be something of interest to  you.  This will be something new you didn't do when your loved ones were around and that could help, also.  You would meet new people and make more friends and your life would start to open up again. 

 

I did all of this and managed to pull myself out of that deep depression.  It took months but I did it.  If I can do it, so can  you!  Just take one day at a time and expect it to be a good day.  Do not look at the negative things in  your life but look at all the positive things....and you do have many!  We just tend to zero in on the negative things when we are depressed.  Maybe make a list that lists the positive things and the negative things.  Don't forget the things we take for granted....our sight, hearing, able to walk and get around, etc.  These are magnificent blessings and not everyone has them either.  

 

I will be praying that you will start to feel better soon.  All of this will also help with your stress which will help with your fibro.  Do take care and let us know how you are doing because we really do care about you.

 

Sherrine  

I am so sorry for what you have been and are going through. Come here anytime you need to talk. I agree, try to find a counselor. Look on line to see if there are any help centers in your area that use the sliding fee schedule.

@ Sherrine

Thank you for this post. I want to use it as a daily reminder of 'how to'.

I have become way too reclusive and want to take some baby steps toward change. :)

I’ve taken the advice offered and looked for some counseling in my area; a local hospice offers bereavement counseling for free. I do take medication for both depression and anxiety. Last week my doctor increased my anti-depressant so we shall see how that goes.

I’m at the point that it almost sounds like a form of PTSD; I just don’t know maybe just grief. All of my life I’ve learned to live with my fear of dying – not acceptance by a long shot. When my mom died it was one of my worst fears coming to life. My baby sister called me and I left work to go be with our mom; when I walked in my sister Leslie said “I didn’t think you would come.” My response was simple – I had to be here. I’m thankful that my mom wasn’t living when my sister died; she was the oldest of us three.

To lose your mom is bad enough but to lose your oldest sister 2 years later it just horrible. My baby sister lost her dad one year before we lost Leslie. We have a lot to deal with. I’ve had to step up where Leslie left off so now I’m learning how to be a diplomat – it sucks.

I am as Sherrine put it a recluse and it's not what I want or need. I do want to say that 2 weeks prior to being laid off of work I spoke openly about my fibro to my bosses. One reason being was the lifting – I was the trade show manager and had to do it all myself. I needed help with the heavy lifting noting that my doctor gave me a 20lb limit. I firmly believe that was the reason that I was laid off. With that being said – I took it very personal. It's neither here nor there just a fact.

Lastly, let me address my son. He is an asthmatic who has been on prednisone since he was 2; no I’m not responsible for his weight but have been told that I was when he was younger. Today, he asked me to take him to fill out a job application. That made my morning. I was thrilled to help him. I’ve offered so many ways to help but knowing it has to be him that wants to make a change. I saw that today in him and I’m proud – I think I told him too many times 

Thank you all for listening and hearing me. I’ve made a post-it note to come back. I’m in need of friends; I’m starting here.

I am so sorry for what u are going through :( depression can be the lonelyest time of your life) my father is dying of cancer and the slow long enevabitiy of it all is so hard, so I just wanted to let you know there is positive energy coming towards you and I hope u can embrace it!!!!
Stay well
Azumi
When in the dark I just remember that we are the university trying to understand itself.

OMG, i mean universe, darn my fibro fog he,he...............   well if that dont make ya laugh A very silly Azumi

Bitters, in your last post you sound better than in your first post and that is good.  I'm so glad you are taking steps now to help yourself.  There is a wonderful life out there just waiting for you!

 

Living in fear is horrible.  I suffered from that and, because of that, I suffered from anxiety, too.  Then I read the scripture I have in my signature and that all changed.  I am now much more at peace and when anxiety wants to rear it's head, I dismiss it and get busy doing something.  Worrying about the future is totally useless because we don't know what the future holds for us anyway.  I rather expend my energy doing something else.

 

You have lived in fear all your life.  That has to be horrible.  I went to church every Sunday since childhood and was taught (and I totally believe) that we don't die...just our bodies do.  They wear out but what makes us the person we are lives on.  Consequently, I don't fear dying.  I'm 65 years old.  I don't want to die because I don't want to leave my children but I believe we will all be together again for eternity.  This helps me so much when loved ones pass on because I believe I will be together with them again.  I hope you can come to that conclusion, too, because it will give you peace.

 

If you really feel you were laid off because you couldn't lift the weight...doctor's orders...but you were doing everything else, then your employer probably broke the law.  Here is a like to the Americans With Disabilities Act that you might be interested in. 

 

http://www.ada.gov/pubs/adastatute08mark.htm#12112

If your son is taking Prednisone, this explains a lot about his weight and he probably looks larger than what he really is.  I had to take Prednisone for a while for Crohn's disease and I looked like the Pillsbury Doughboy.  Not fun.  It's difficult enough to have an illness but then to have society judge you is quite difficult.  He's a young man and he can take care of this situation when he is ready.  It's not your fault.  I'm sure you never forced food down his throat.  Some people gain so easily and medication can add to that.  I have been fighting my weight since I was in fifth grade.  Not fun.  

I'm very happy that he is looking for a job now.  This is great news.  He is ready to step out and get living.  You need to do that, too.  I truly hope you go the the grief therapy.  It will help you and there will be others that you can tell your stories to...face to face...and they will totally understand.  You can reach out to one another and help one another, too, and that really helps with depression.  Just knowing you are helping another person while being helped yourself will make  you feel better.

Let us know what you do because we really do care about you.

 

Woolrow, I'm so glad my post is helping you.  I'm just telling you what I did to jumpstart my life...since I didn't have a life at that period of time.  I'm so glad I made the effort.  Life is good and God is good!  I wouldn't have wanted to miss the years, since my husband died, for anything.  I look forward to each new day with anticipation because I expect it to be a good one.  If it isn't, I can deal with it because I'll be looking forward to tomorrow with anticipation. 

Sherrine 

This group is totally amazing, I read through everyone's posts and help, advise, personal stories, so inspiring. I believe grieving must happen if you do not do it at the time it will happen when you least expect it.
Most hospitals or doctors can refer to for counselling, sometimes it's free. You said your sister had cancer I know the cancer society here offers free counselling. Been there it helped me make many positive changes.
Also what about spending a few hours volunteering during the week, I will be trying that after this summer is over. I am going to ask if the cancer centre here needs help with rides for patients going to or from treatment. I am also asking at goodwill if I can help out.
I agree btw you are not responsible for your adult son, you are being so sweet driving him to find work but as an adult that as well should be his job.

You were laid off quite a long time ago so it's most likely too late for that job.  I just wanted you to know this in case you get another job.

 

You usually get reviews when you work.  Save them.  If your reviews are good and suddenly you are physically unable to do something and then you are laid off...THAT's how you know.  Always keep your reviews.

 

I'm glad  you are doing better today!  I'm so glad Rose mentioned volunteering.  I meant to but forgot.  Gee...I wonder why?     That does help.  I did mention helping one another in grief therapy so that is a great start, too.  I love helping others.  It not only brings a smile to their faces and makes them feel good, it does the same for me! 

 

I'm glad you son is starting to move forward.  Do you have a relative or a good friend that would like to help him learn how to drive?  Around here, they teach that in high school!  They have driving instruction classes.  It's a shame he didn't have access to that.  But I hope he's on the road soon and enjoying a great new job.  He would be so happy and you would be thrilled. 

 

Sherrine