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Am I way off base, my points valid or am I just being a jerk... for my wife who has Fibro.

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Posted 1/18/2013 4:50 PM (GMT 0)
smartredfox -

We talked about the sleep study last night, She has to okay it through her doctor.

I do help around the house. She does the laundry. I do the dishes a lot and vacuum and clean. I am sure I could help out a lot more though. I do computer work on the side to bring in more money, but we both have full time jobs.

I fix dinner occasionally but we eat a lot of fast foods/eating out and that is one of the things I suggested we stop doing or if we do, go to places that offer gluten free menus ( which I still really don't believe in, as there is one kitchen in a restaurant and a lot going on in there )

The only part time they offer encompasses a lot of travel. She is in the medical field as well. She doesn't want that.Also part time is on a 'as needed' basis. It's hard to define a budget on that..
Posted 1/18/2013 4:58 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Acheybody -

I sleep with earplugs every night, or else I would get no sleep.

If any of the doctors have mentioned any of the things I did or have read about Fibro ( exercise, check sleep, eat better ) she has not told me about it. All I see doctors doing are writing pill prescriptions. That really frustrates the heck out of me. I have never heard her mention that they want her to do any lifestyle changes.
Posted 1/18/2013 5:12 PM (GMT 0)
Fibro$ufferer -

We would love to downsize, but because of the past housing problems, cannot. We talked about a smaller house. Maybe if the housing market gets back on it's feet and home prices rise a bit that will be doable.
My job requires me to either be close to work or be somewhere that has decent internet access. Working for the same company for over 30 years and walking away from a full retirement is not an option, so no job changes for me.

While I do snore occasionally, it is not on a regular basis. Her snoring is nightly and I have even watched her on multiple occasions as she will make one really loud snore and wake herself up and then fall back to sleep, then repeat the process in a couple of minutes.

If we could downsize which would allow her to stay at home, I would not have an issue with that. But with the understanding that our expenses would have to be meager.
Posted 1/18/2013 5:14 PM (GMT 0)
Yrsilly -

I will work on that hugging part. :-)
Posted 1/18/2013 5:25 PM (GMT 0)
ALittleLoopy -

Thanks for your post.

She has need tested as being allergic to Gluten. I am not sure if that means celiac disease or just gluten sensitivity.

.. you did not sound snippy.
Posted 1/18/2013 6:28 PM (GMT 0)
I like the fact that you came here to find solutions. I seem to be the person on here that looks on the down side of things, but here is my opinion.

I know how the financial situations can change and to be worried about it. I was working part time at a medical call center for 8 years. It was part time because my dr said i could not work more than 6 hrs a day. It really helped us pay bills. The company was wonderful working with me with being out sick and working with me on the hrs. This came to a halt on April 23rd 2012. For reasons other than fibro (it was a part of it though) i had to quit and apply for disability.

Our life changed so much. Every penny that comes in has to be applied to certain bills. No more shopping in my favorite stores, eating out is a very limited thing. My checks were taking care of our mortgage and his pay other things. So we are very worried. I even had to rehome one of my dogs to my parents.

He keeps telling me he knows that it is not my fault we are having trouble. I feel like it is. It really depresses me. Go with her and talk to the dr. See what suggestions they have. When my husband did this, he said he understood more about it.

It sounds like to me that you have talked to her about the money a lot. While it is important, make sure you let her know that her health and how she feels is most important. It is not her fault that she has fibro. It is hard for me to feel that way sometimes, but when dh tells me that when i am down, it makes a big difference. Have her come on here and talk to others. we know how it is.

No offense, no one that does not have fibro really understands all that it entails.

Good luck.

Posted 1/18/2013 6:57 PM (GMT 0)
Husband, you have gotten excellent responses from our members.  I think you can see why I suggested that your wife come here, too.  I think we could help her because we all are in her shoes and really do totally understand.  HealingWell has won awards for the kind of support we give.  I do think we are the best health support site out there!  I think it's wonderful that you are helping her the way you are, also.  You seem to be showing a lot of compassion and that is wonderful.

 

I'm glad your wife is starting to listen a little.  As for the walks, I think she will find she will have more energy and less pain if she does walk.  I started out by walking four houses down...that's as far as I could go and make it back to my house!  The next day I went five houses, etc.  I now can walk a mile.  It takes me about 25 minutes and I do really feel better and have more energy, too.  I walk daily.  Gentle exercise is VERY important.  If you sit or lay too long, you will be stiff as a board and have more pain.  

 

If she has a desk job, hopefully she will get up every half hour or so to stretch and walk for a couple of minutes.  Also, in Fibro 101, there are some wonderful stretching exercises that you can do sitting down so she could do these at her desk, too.  All this can help.   

 

I'm copying and pasting a post a member made.  You will find it below.  She posted while you were posting, too, and I don't want you to miss this.  It's really good!  This is by Judy2.

 

Sherrine

 

Here's something it took my husband and I 30 years to figure out: when men talk about a problem, they want help with solutions. Men are very solution-oriented, and generally have trouble seeing why one should talk about something if not to solve it. When women talk about a problem, on the other hand, they want someone to listen to them and understand how they feel. Talking is part of the way we process issues so we can move on to solutions. When our men start suggesting helpful steps before we've talked it out completely, we feel pushed away and discounted. What we hear is "Do something about it, already, and stop complaining." Which I'm sure is what you all mean, because in your view of the world we've been complaining about it like, forever.

Understanding this basic difference has helped us immensely. My husband has learned to listen until he can't stand to any more, then listen with one ear, then when he hears me take a breath, ask me if I want suggestions. I've learned never to ask him more than once how he feels about a problem; if he wants to talk about that he will, and my nagging won't change his approach.

I hope this can help you two.

 

 

Posted 1/18/2013 9:43 PM (GMT 0)
I'll mention it again, if she is in a "funk", It will be hard for her to want to do/try anything. Been there - done that WAY too many times. It's only from repeated experiences that I've learned that my only way out of a funk is to force myself to take steps. ~I~ had to force myself. No one else could. I'd force myself to get out of bed, shower, get dressed, and often had to force myself to go outside. Walk, get the mail (1.5 mile walk to the mailbox), run to the bank. Short trips. Soon I'd notice my funk lifting. I'd have to force myself to exercise. Like I mentioned before, I'd set a realistic goal. Slow walk for 10 minutes. I always make it. The sneaky part it, when I get to the 10 minute mark, my body is warmed up, endorfins flowing, and I'm suddenly craving to walk longer.

I think she'll get sick and tired of feeling "sick and tired" then maybe that's when she'll start taking matters into her own hands.

How about yoga? Maybe you could learn a few beginners yoga poses. They stretch tired sore muscles and increase blood flow and often get the endorfins flowing. Don't make it sound like "exercise"... "honey, there are these great folks on the fibro board that mentioned these stretches that really help their tired sore muscles..." next thing ya know, she's doing yoga and feeling better. You can download poses on the Internet. Or there are tons of free apps if either of you have a smart phone. Free. Free. Free :-)! I'm also trying to cut back on the ambien and muscle relaxers. I learned of a free app on my iPhone "white noise lite". I've played that every night for the last week. The crickets and frogs is my favorite. It KNOCKS ME OUT! My husband doesn't realize it, but it's been knocking him out too. I haven't even woke up for a bathroom break! And that's saying a LOT for me :-)!

I'll keep your family in my prayers. Baby steps. When one thing gets better, she'll be dying to get something else mended!!

I do think you are doing an awesome job at trying! That's for sure! She's blessed! Many of us gals just get the guilt trip and learn to deal with it!
Posted 1/19/2013 1:53 PM (GMT 0)
1.5 mile walk to the mailbox?

That's a long way to a mailbox.. lol

She is making the gluten free grocery list right now, which is good.

My wife is on a few of the Fibro forums, but not sure if she is on this one. If she is, she may have seen the postings. At some point, when I feel like the time is right, I will show her my post and all the great replies. I know she thinks I am an ah*** at times, but I really do care how she feels but I don't handle these types of things well.

I really would like to thank everyone who responded to my original post. I am learning....
Posted 1/19/2013 6:32 PM (GMT 0)
She definitely needs the sleep study. If she has sleep apnea she will not get proper rest to feel better.
My husband goes with me for Dr appts. He hears what they say and it has helped him to understand what I am going thru.
With sleep and rest she may be able to continue to work. She is going to need help at home. We hired a lady that comes in twice a month and does the deep cleaning... floors, bathrooms, etc that I do not feel like doing. The srest of the month we can maintain. I have a rechargable floor sweeper that I use instead of a broom. I use a stool in the kitchen to sit on to cook and I can clean out the refrig sitting.
In short I look for ways that I can do the things that need to be done in an easier way.
Now is the time to get a disability ins in place. There is co0ming a time when she may need to be at home full time.
I hope things improve for her and for you.
Posted 1/20/2013 2:52 AM (GMT 0)
We went to the grocery store and bought all Gluten Free products as well as fruits and veggies.

I wasn't ready for the sticker shock. We have never spent that much at one time on groceries.

shocked

Post Edited (IgnorantHusband) : 1/19/2013 10:12:15 PM (GMT-7)

Posted 1/20/2013 5:04 AM (GMT 0)
Yes, it is shocking, how much more you have to spend to eat well! I hope it's worth it, though, and starts helping her feel better.

Debbie
Posted 1/21/2013 5:22 PM (GMT 0)
I believe you want to help your wife. My suggestion is that you take over all the cooking/shopping duties. Then you can make gluten/sugar/salt free food for her. I know if someone cooks for me, I eat it regardless of how I feel about the meal plan. I am just so overjoyed to not have to shop/cook/clean up for one meal. Possibly, she has a lot of pain when walking. I have spinal stenosis in addition to fibro and can only walk about a block before the pain becomes too intense. Help her to find some exercise that she enjoys and will be happy doing.
Posted 1/21/2013 8:23 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Husband, Welcome to Healing Well. Glad you found us. I think sweet not ignorant should be the word if you go buying her stuff she will for sure love and making dinner! If you want, you can come over to my place lol just kidding.

With her sleeping habbit, it sounds like UARS aka Upper Airway Resistance Syndrome. I have UARS, and what I do is snore, wake up with a light gasp, repeat. It sounds like you're right on with a sleep study. No one believed me that I had a form of apnea, did a study even and got told I didn't have it. I went in for surgery, and the anastelogist (sp) asked me when I woke if I had sleep apnea, I told him I hadn't been dx'd with it but I thought I had it. He agreed, and while in ICU (I won a free trip into ICU) he rx'd me a cpap that goes along with my breathing. I seriously, hadn't felt better rested in my life. So when I got out, I went to the teaching hospital where my endo and oncologist is, and did a second sleep study, and found out about the UARS.
However, I am not a doctor, and can not diagnose.

You need to tell her for sure, gently about how you feel. Perhaps you can help her out and do dinner 3 times a week, the grocery shopping, trash, so on. You can make simple changes like that to help with the stress and to get her to relax some. With fibro, even I had to learn to slow down, and listen to my body. When its yelling, I must take a break. Is there a way maybe you can help her get breaks in? Like have her sit down to read something or watch something with you? Or you can even draw her a hot bath and let her soak. Medications help some, she may need an adjustment. Only a doctor can help with meds.
Posted 1/23/2013 2:08 AM (GMT 0)
Well I have fibromyaliga and you have to look at it she has it and you don't I'm not trying to be mean or sound nasty but you as her husband first u have to try to help her u have to try to understand it and does make u very tired u also have to understand that what may work for some ppl may not work for her she's tired a lot because of the constant pain and she doesn't wanna execise because of the pain I'm that way I am to where if I do anything it makes the pain worse and I can't move is she that way also for her meds she might not even have to change them she just may need a higher dose that's what they did to me or she may need to change depends on her doctor I'm just trying to help so I hope u don't take this message the wrong way

Post Edited (difeterci2) : 1/22/2013 7:14:48 PM (GMT-7)

Posted 2/3/2013 4:54 AM (GMT 0)
I think you rock. I wish I could get my husband to visit this site sometime. I'm not sure if he has even bothered to do a Google search on Fibromyalgia, and I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm a hypochondriac. :(
Posted 2/3/2013 3:50 PM (GMT 0)
Fibromyalgia is a tough diagnosis, and there is a lot going on in this thread, but I do want to say that fibromyalgia fatigue can be as great or greater problem than the pain. Have you come across the term "fibro fog"? No one seems to know exactly what's going on, whether it's the result of not sleeping well or the result of our unrelenting pain, or whether it's an entity in itself, but it is REAL. We fibromyalgia people often don't focus well and often can't concentrate, whether especially tired or not. I know I have trouble processing information sometimes, just thinking things through. My thinking starts to feel like a tightly finished puzzle being pulled apart. Personally I think I have trouble with spatial issues, but I've never discussed it with anyone. There is no way your should be on the road for 45 minutes a day on top of working a full day, especially if she is not sleeping well on top of all the other fibromyalgia misery. I already knew that, but the doctor who did my sleep study actually wrote on my report not to drive when I haven't slept well. Which was never. I have a diagnosis now and treatment and sleep better.

Your life has and will change because your wife has fibromyalgia, there's no way around it. I'm glad you are trying so hard to figure this out. My husband couldn't understand, did not want to understand, how anyone could possibly be so tired until after he was diagnosed with Parkinson's, and now he knows. I am 65 and am planning to retire very soon, eleven months before I am able to start collecting my full social security. The financial hit is going to be catastrophic, but I've worked 25 years with fibromyalgia and I just can't go it any more. I had an envious job though, working as a non professional in a professional environment, where 180 days a year, 6.5 hours a day was considered full time for full benefits including insurance. In your case, if your wife really does have to keep on working to keep you afloat, you are going to have to do everything possible to make it possible for her to make it through each day, and that's going to be tough. But when the going gets tough, the tough get going! Right?

I know I am rambling, but I've been writing other stuff for a while and I'm losing my focus. That happens in a relatively short amount of time, and the only thing I can do about it is shut up and quit writing!

Figuring out fibromyalgia is a journey. You aren't going to get it all figured out at one time and your understanding will change and evolve. Would you have less trouble understanding a more concrete diagnosis such as rheumatoid arthritis? If so, work really hard to think of fibromyalgia in those more concrete terms. Make sense?

Post Edited (Ruth1225) : 2/3/2013 8:57:34 AM (GMT-7)

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