I. Can't. Do. This.

Woke up to the alarm at 6am feeling so awful I cried.

I was so tired, with a woozy feeling, that I stumbled and fell as I walked the 20 feet from my bedroom to my bathroom. I set the newly fixed heater to 80 degrees and I was still shivering.

I started my way to work on the icy roads and nearly slid off the road twice in only two miles. People decided to tailgate me as I slowed more and more panicking as every touch of the brakes or accelerator sent me spinning and weaving. They passed. I cursed at them. I can't afford the new tires I need because I'm too sick to work enough to buy them.

Finally, I pulled over at a parking lot, screaming in fear and too fatigued and in pain to handle this stress, turned around and inched my way back home. I had forgotten my cell phone, too, (I'm surprised I had even remembered to put my clothes on I was so exhausted this morning), so I had to call the office once I reached home. I couldn't find the manager's cell phone # and had to dig through files.

What was I thinking? Why did I take this job? I can't do this. I'm thinking of quitting today. I'm supposed to work 12 hours. May as well start digging my own grave--but the ground is too frozen.

Jen

Jen,

You are not horrible and lazy. I have read as you posted about multiple jobs and shook my head wondering how I would keep track in your position.

You are an energetic person laid low by this apin in the neck (trying not to swear on the forums ;) )condition. It is winter. You mentioned you were in central PA in another forum. I am up North of you in Buffalo. We are having a horrible time with the cold and it is sapping the life out of me. It sounds like the same is happening to you.

My mantra for the last few weeks has been "spring is coming". Then I will be able to do more. I will feel better. Not perfect, but we will have more energy.

For now, take care of yourself. This has been a particularly nasty winter for those of us in the North East. It can only get better.... And hopefully soon!

You can only do what you can do. If it helps, I have the same issue with driving. Some days, I just cant. You have a right to be frustrated, you arent horrible and you arent lazy. Your plans are just ahead of your body right now. That will change.

Take care Jen.

Thanks Jenni. I was doing great at the job which is why they wanted me to do full time. But I can't hack the hours. What can I do, but accept that.

All the jobs I do are just little things, an hour or two or three here and there. The dance is most evenings. I may be fine today by evening, we'll see. Right now I am under three blankets, one is a an electric blanket, the heat is at 76 degrees and I am shaking a nd shivering and can't stop. I feel like I have a fever again, but I don't . What is that??

I have a request to go live with my aunt, who needs some supervision, not major care. I'd be rent free, work a few hours a week, small stipend. I am seriously looking at that in a few months. I have to give up the notion that a regular job is never going to work in my life.

Sorry about the vent. I just don't want to dump on my family and friends...

I know I must sound so spoiled to most saying hubs is okay with me not working, but that isn't even simple. He is self employed, and while he is overwhelmed with work for the foreseeable future, in his industry (construction) it's either feast or famine. I'm 47 yrs old, so if I'm out of the job market for even a short amount of time, it will be so very hard to get back in. Keeping health insurance, handling co-pays, etc. All things that weigh on my mind. My overactive, already confused, stressed out mind.

Venting helps. Vent all you need to.

Keep a positive outlook, Ms. TD. Negative statements about yourself or your abilities will just drag you down further. We all need to vent now and again, but remember to turn the situation around in your mind to focus on accomplishments.

"What might those be," I hear you asking? Well, you discovered a limit, and got valuable information. You didn't continue to push when your body said no. You stopped and rested. It is so frustrating. Hurtful. But even these things are important in the learning process.

Stop calling yourself names and making comparisons.

I know how being alone feels. I lived 7 years alone, with BF in another state. I remember the time I was woken in the middle of the night with a bat in the bedroom. My body shot awake in fight position. After some ineffective screaming and cowering, I got a broom, turned on all the lights, and opened the back door. It took me an hour, but I got it out. My body just shut down after it got resolved, though. I got up at my normal time, and went to work, but had a flare for sometime after.

I cannot remember if you are seeing a therapist, but it can be very helpful to help build your self-esteem with the new fibro-you.

BE well. You did well.

TD, I really feel for you. If I was in your position I would go live with my aunt. You need less stress. While you live with her hired a lawyer and get on SSDI.

I wish the best for you.

I remember these days, a couple of years ago now. What I think may have happened was you were at the start of a heavy (fatigue) flare, and then pushed your already maximized adrebal fatigue into flight or fight and now you're just running on adrenalin fumes. I don't envy you -- I do this to myself a few times a year and it takes quite a while to get back to 'normal' if you don't IMMEDIATLEY lock yourself to your bed for a 12-24 hr sleep cycle, with zero stimulus (no text, no computer, no tv, only light reading just to tire out your eyes to get to sleep). Nothing, I repeat nothing, would fix me like a self-rxed embargo of stimulus.

As for the financial/job situation, I had the luxury of being younger but it still didn't make leaving work to recuperate any easier. I liquified an IRA, quit my FT stressball job and began to work PT as a temp. And I don't regret it one bit, even after this break was extended an additional 6 months. (Although I need to admit that I have now been working FT again for 6 months and I need a vacation, at least a week. I'm pooped.) My husbands work is also sun-driven, so it's made it tough trying to eliminate expenses. Having now been at work again FT, I can see that with more money, more problems (represent! Haha Hip hop lovers will appreciate that one!). It means that while I can afford more things, I can't enjoy them because I am too tired. I can afford a gym, but I am too tired to use it. Etc etc etc.

I miss the old me.

So what happened -- did you quit the 12 hr job (eek!! I can barely handle 8 hrs!)

I just appreciate those who have listened to me without accusing me of being too negative, or focusing on being pessimistic. I don't dump my feelings this intensively on my family. I have to hold the fort, be positive for aging parents, etc. Sometimes it piles up and I get it out. I didn't come on here to be told to be this or be that, especially to be positive when I'm not in the mood, or I'm too exhausted to even smile. That's unrealistic and I think not empathetic, and well not cool.

I actually do see a therapist once or twice a month and I mourn the old me, talk about relationship issues, etc. I'm a very capable person, and very positive in teaching my dance classes.

Jen

Thanks, LJ!

For those who think I am such a downer, Here is how amazing my day was. I got up,at 6:30, worked at the office from 8-4' taking calls working on schedules, etc. From 8-12' I was really hurting. At one point I went into a back room and did some gentle yoga over a break. (I could feel my muscles seizing up). I had a half hour to get the studio and then I taught 7 dance classes from 4:30-8:30: acro, ballet, modern, advanced ballet, 2 kids yoga classes. Much of the time I am demonstrating. Acro class always wants to the jungle improvisation dance I made up (by negative old me). I stopped at the grocery store on the way home which is a half hour drive, on icy roads.

I ate like a pig when I got as I didn't have dinner.

I think I have a right to whine and woe every once in a while...

Jen

Post Edited (tangodancer101) : 2/19/2015 9:24:37 PM (GMT-7)

I'm glad you are doing better. You might have to think about a few life changes though. With fibro we usually can't continue the way we did before fibro. I find you totally amazing that you can teach all these dancing classes plus hold a job down! If you keep suffering like this you have to ask yourself if it's worth all the pain it's creating. Your body is telling you something.

Perhaps this schedule change will help you. If not, maybe just giving up a couple of dancing classes would do the trick! You still would be doing what you love to do but not suffering like you are right now. Just a thought....

Sherrine

I find mornings really knock the starch out of me, too. Doesn't matter how much sleep I get or when I go to bed, if I have to get up and out before 9:00 it makes for a very hard day. It seems really stupid, but the extra 20 or 30 minutes of sleep needed to get me past 8:30 am makes a HUGE impact on how the rest of the day goes. And give me 2 mornings in a row when I have to be up before 8:30?? No energy & pain for days trying to catch up again!!

So, I've scheduled my life for the last few years around events that start at 10 am or later. Sometimes I'll schedule something for 9 am, but life is just so very much easier if I wait a bit.

I figure my body has some magic rejuvenation that happens between 1 am - 9 am and if I miss out on it... well, that's all she wrote!

Tango, wow you do so much!! I would be happy if I got all you do in a day done in a week!! I don't think you're negative, you're human!! Anyway I'm so glad you're feeling better. Try and not push yourself to hard.

It is very hard to have to come to terms that you can't perform the duties of your work. I hated to give up my job but I just could no longer work with pain. I would get to just after lunch and the pain was unbearable. It was not fair for my Employer and not fair for me. The travel to work was well over an hour whether by car or transit. I had to stop driving as my neck and head are full of pain and stiffness.

While Employers can be sympathetic and for a time may put up with a lot of sick leave it is understandably hard to have an Employee who is not well and not at work. Someone has to fill in. My Husband always says that people may feel sorry for you but at the end of the day it is not them that are not well.

If you can get disability you may need a lawyer to help. I am in Canada. Laws are similar. My employer did have disability for their employees. Many do not. If you are working and paying into Federal Pension programs you can apply for disability. Again, you need good Doctors to fill out forms and a Lawyer if you need one.

It was a big issue in deciding if I was to be deemed permanently disabled. Things did get settled. I still must always be trying to get better to possibly return to my job. I must complete mandatory Insurance forms.

I have had one thing after another since I stopped working. Have been to numerous Physiotherapy sessions. Tried acupuncture and trigger point therapy. I still get nerve blocks. I did like going to Physio in a heated pool. Trying to get into one at the end of March. Not sure about the pain in my arm yet. I have to get an ultrasound done on my shoulder/AC joints.

I thought I would be so bored at home. At first I equated getting out of the house was like having a prison pass. I worked since I was 17. I now have accepted that I will never be pain free. I can still be useful but have had way too many setbacks. I still keep trying. You do something and you feel good about it but it sometimes comes with a price. More pain. My illnesses are life changing but we have not given up everything in life. We went to a party put on by my Husband's employer on the weekend. I had to watch the young people having fun dancing. That part of getting old and getting old with illnesses does truly suck.

Can sympathize with everyone, I do feel badly for us all.

Loring

Osteoarthritis in Multiple Joints, Fibromyalgia, Neuralgia, Chronic Daily Headaches, I.B., Hard of Hearing...