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Posted 7/30/2008 3:42 AM (GMT 0)
What is your opinion?  As we come to accept the chronic illness(es) we live with and adapt our lives accordingly, do we intentionally stop the progression of relationships with "new" people in our lives because we find ourselves so misunderstood?  Do we stay to ourselves more because it's just too exhausting to constantly "explain" how we are feeling today and don't want to bore others with our problems? Or, is it just a comfort zone we reach that each of us are satisfied with just to make it through another day.  I know I appreciate my life much more now than before and try to reap the benefits of each good moment now.  However, I have come to a point of contentment.  Not necessarily not motivated to try new things or new relationships, just not as aggressive about it.  I hope this is making sense to each of you because I think I like where I am in my life right now with the exception of the constant pain.  I guess I just want to know this is not some form of social withdrawal creeping in my back door.  Thanks for listening and your comments! :-)
Posted 7/30/2008 4:45 AM (GMT 0)
Hi broomhilda,

I've never quite thought about this before...from this angle at least. I'm not a very social person...except on the forum. The me that lives here in Washington, out in the woods, likes to stay home and just try to get thru each day as I can. I don't do change at all well nor do I like surprises. I don't seek out new people and guess I don't do much to push friendships much any more. I do some but like you, not much any more.

Are we withdrawing socially? Maybe, but is that awful? Not necessarily, IMHO. We are doing the best we can and some days just keeping any sanity at all is difficult. The rest of the 'regular' world has no idea what it's like to just get up and function, let alone have a social life. If it's not doc appointments (which IS our social life) then we're just trying to keep the pain level to a dull roar. We have to try to not let depression creep in and who wouldn't be depressed with what we face every day. Looking toward the future is scary!

For me I am learning an entire new lifestyle since I am not able to work any more...doctor's orders. So my contacts will lessen more now that I'm at home all the time. I'm not worried about it...but that's my opinion. I used to be out in front pushing and pushing...but after life beat me down a few times I sit back more and just quietly do my own thing. It's what I have to do to survive.

Hopefully something in this made sense somewhere,
Chutzie
Posted 7/30/2008 5:17 AM (GMT 0)

Hi Broomhilda~  I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety/panic about the same time that I was dxd with Fibro and for me socialization is a big stressful problem.  For example... I'm new to my office and I work part-time so it's about lunch time when we all walk out of the office at the same time.  I'm invited often to go to lunch with the girls or even go to events outside of work and I decline with excusses such as... oh my kids are home waiting for me or I have things to do.  The truth is I'd really rather be home with my family or home waiting for them to come home.  Being social stresses me out something awful.  I do often feel there is no point in telling new people of my Fibro for fear of rejection and disbelieve.  My social enxciety is so bad that I get hives and D before going any place even work sometimes, because of the stress it can cause me.  It's just awful.  I don't think avoiding certain thing is so bad.  The only worry that I have of becoming the hermit I long to be is I have four active teenages and an active young at heart husband and they don't want to hear me say no all the time.

To answer your question, I do feel that it is a form of social withdrawal.

How helpful am I...

~Tricia

Posted 7/30/2008 7:48 AM (GMT 0)
Broomhilda, I don't think we intentionally withdraw, but it just seems to happen. I am always afraid that I will have to spend hours trying to explain my condition. Then I have to worry about what they are going to think. I also know that I never know when there will be a flare and I don't want to be at the call of friends when I have a flare. I don't like having to bow out of things or say no, so I think I just avoid that situation coming up. Some of our friends understand so it is not too hard, but others have not always been understanding. I did not like going through that and furthermore putting my husband through that situation. You can not be too socially active with FMS, but you can try. I always believe that tomorrow is another day, and it might be better. So I keep trying when I can. Never say you can't be social, just with limitations of your body. Maybe not a good answer, but the only one I have.

Tootiemoose
Posted 7/30/2008 12:53 PM (GMT 0)
I find this a very interesting question. I imagined it was just my personality because I've always been a bit backward. But these days I do try to avoid any stressful situation because it brings pain. And meeting new people too me has always been stressful. The main worry for me now is not remembering people's names and etc. I envy the people who have bubbly personalities and seem to always have something to say. I've always put it off to just be a product of my childhood. I am essentially an only child and we moved around a great deal when I was young. I never really learned the social skills people take for granted. More withdrawn than I used to be, yes. And angry that Fibro has placed limitations on my life. I could be a recluse...I fanaticize at times of owning my own island somewhere. I find a different flavor of my life now...like licorice...I hate licorice! Maybe I shall have to develop a taste for it???  
Posted 7/30/2008 2:02 PM (GMT 0)
I use to be a social butterfly. Over the past 10 years since the fatigue started I have lost touch with a lot of people. When you decline invitations so many times people stop inviting you to things. I do not have the energy to entertain people at my house like I use to. Just getting my house cleaned is too much for me and I have to have help doing it. It takes energy to keep relationships going and I don't have energy to spend on anyone but my family. I'm sure there are people out there that have taken it personally. Normal people can't comprehend the fact that it takes energy to socialize. I never use to think about the energy it took. I don't even talk on the phone like I use to. In the evenings when people are home is my worse time of day for pain and energy. Never thought I would think of talking on the phone as taking energy but it does.

 

So yes, I have become comfortable in my little world but not by choice. I always make time for my family no matter how I feel.

 

I have lived here for three years and I haven't looked to start new friendships. Really haven't given it much thought. My DH is out in the world everyday and deals with people so when he gets home he has had his fill of people.

 

Now that I have thought about my life it sounds quite sad and maybe I should make more of and effort instead of living in my little world. Thanks Broomhilda.

 

luv and hugs

Marlee

 

 

Posted 7/30/2008 2:32 PM (GMT 0)

BroomHilda-

You have stated perfectly the way I have been feeling. I too have the feeling of contentment. I feel like my home is my own little world and I am satisifed staying around here doing what I feel that I can do at any given moment. The good thing about this DD is that I have learned to lighten up on myself. I am slowly backing away from perfectionism. I am not there yet but I am evolving. I sometimes worry that I am withdrawing socially. I have also come to realize that when I am home all of my comfort measures are here-my heating pad, pain meds, favorite pillow, etc- just in case I need them. I feel like these things are my security blanket and that is part of the reason I have become such a home body. I am much more appreciative of things around me and stop to "smell the roses" more often. For that I am thankful :-) ...

Cyndi

Posted 7/30/2008 3:04 PM (GMT 0)

This is a really interesting question.  Obviously, most of you that "know" me think of me as the wild & crazy girl who can talk to anyone.  Well, yes, this is true, but I think I am that way because I am so desperate for human interaction (even if it is cyber interaction).  I truly thank God that I found a place where people will listen to me-even though I tend to babble incessantly. redface

 

But, then there is the other side of me that is angry at the people who have "forgotten" about me.  I rarely talk to any of my friends (the actual human contact friends) anymore.  I have tried to reach out to them, but I've come to a point where I can't be the one who gives and gives, and gets nothing in return.  It's really hard when you offer your hand to someone and he or she won't take it. eyes   And don't even get me started on trying to explain fibro to them. mad  

But, I also like my solitude.  Ever since I moved out of my parent's house, I have lived by myself.  I'm telling you, there's nothing like waking up at 3 AM, turning all the lights on, grabbing that ice cream out of the fridge and watching whatever you want on TV.  LOL-there's no one there to get up and ask, "What the hell are you doing?" :-)

 

So, basically, I guess I fall into that "social butterfly/isolated/like my alone time" category.  In simpler terms, I'm a big old mess! tongue

Posted 7/30/2008 7:56 PM (GMT 0)
I could easily become a recluse and have been concerned about that.  I am the happiest when I'm home.  Not only because of the comfort my home gives me for my fibro but also the fact that I'm legally deaf.  I have my computer, closed captioning, besides my hot shower any time I want it and my rice bag.  yeah    But, I refuse to let illnesses do this to me.  If I do, I know me and I know I will withdraw more and more.  That's not living so I make myself do things.

 

I never turn down an invitation...even if I have to bring my heating pad along with me.  I reciprocate, too, by entertaining people in my home several times a year.  It's hard for me, but truly worth it.  I try to go out with a friend for lunch at least once a week.  I do travel some and we have some local dinner theaters, etc., that I sign up for and pay for.  When the time comes to go on one of these little day trips, I NEVER want to go and drag my feet getting dressed and wish I had never signed up for it.  But, 90% of the time I end up having a good time!  These things get me out of the house and keeps me in contact with my friends.  I feel that is so important.

 

Also, I don't feel I owe anyone an explanation as to how I feel so that isn't an issue with me.  That's personal and so I usually don't mention it.  If someone asks how am I doing, I just say "Fine, thank you!"  It's a waste of breath and energy to try to explain my health issues to people.  They don't understant fibro and they don't understand deafness, either!  I "look like I can hear"!  I've had people remark, "But you speak just fine."  I can hear myself speak but I can't understand when someone speaksto me without reading lips.  So, I just don't bother saying anything and enjoy the things that I can enjoy.

 

This was a great question!  Got me thinking.

 

Sherrine

Posted 7/30/2008 8:54 PM (GMT 0)
BroomHilda-

Yes, I think the pain and discomfort has something to do with living a more solitary life. But, there are positives: I pray more often, I read more often, and of course, I rest more often. There is something comfortable about being content with your own self. I could be very angry about not being teaching but I help the boy next door with his math. I talk more on the phone especially to those who do not go out often like myself.
Contentment comes in many ways. I found out the hard way that getting emotionally upset worsens the fibro. Hence, I try to garden and do things that relax me.

Sunny Dottie
Posted 7/30/2008 10:50 PM (GMT 0)
Sunny Dottie, I don't mind my own company either. After having kids in the house for so many years and still having them sometimes it feels pretty good to me.

 

But it is strange how we can fall into habits and not even think about it til someone else brings it up.

 

Oh Little Miss Sunshine, are you going to entertain me every night when I move in??? devil

 

luv and hugs

Marlee

Posted 7/31/2008 2:14 AM (GMT 0)

I’m glad you asked this question Broomhilda.  I’ve been thinking about it for a couple of weeks myself.   For me, I would say that I’ve been keeping more to myself because it’s a safe zone rather than a comfort zone and what Chutz said about how exhausting it can be to socialize, really hit home.   I lost a friend at work because of it.  It’s a long story but basically she’s the type of person who loves to laugh and joke around a lot, I mean A LOT.  It became too exhausting for me when I started to feel the aches and pains.   I became cranky and snappy and now she no longer wants to deal with that.   I used to feel bad and even depressed about it because I never acted like that before.  For so long I stubbornly didn’t accept that something was wrong and because of that I wasn’t learning how to cope.  But now I’ve finally accepted that I do have limitations and I’m learning to recognize more and more what makes me tired and I’m even learning how to keep the crankiness to  a minimum.  I don’t feel bad anymore about what happened with my friend, it’s a shame but I don’t feel bad.  It’s over and done, time to move on.  I definitely think I will be coming out of my safe zone a little and be more social again.   And those that like me for who I am now, well then, they are the ones worth socializing with anyway. tongue

 

 

Posted 7/31/2008 3:40 AM (GMT 0)
I have thought about this topic a lot over the past couple years.  I had realized, I was getting comfortable with just hanging out with my kids, (an ex-husband who I think liked to tell everyone I had fibro so people would feel sorry for him) and one close friend.  After seeing my sister almost die of colon cancer, I realized how short life really is.  I missed the perky puppy personality I used to have.  I am trying to venture out and to interact with people more.  I am making some really interesting aquaintances. (and I got rid of the husband who was encouraging me to be sick)  There are days when it is hard to follow through, but as others said, once I get out, I enjoy it.  I just have to make myself take that first step. 
Posted 7/31/2008 4:14 AM (GMT 0)
Well now that we've all had our group therapy session for the day, I vote we just move on (pun intended).

I'll end this thread with the fact that I enjoy my solitude and family and see myself leading an ongoing productive lifestyle.  Even at home I  never lack for things to do, just the energy to see them through sometimes.  I am far from a couch potatoe in fact I hate most of the t.v. shows on now anyway. So I guess what I'm trying to say is that if others see my life as social withdrawal then so be it.  I'm happy and I could give a rat's behind what others think anyway! yeah

Posted 7/31/2008 4:44 AM (GMT 0)
Well said... Broomhilda!  I agree.  I do love being at home and with family.  The fact is that I don't need much more.  I don't enjoy social gatherings aside from family gatherings.  I feel that I need the time to replenish what work and the outside world takes out of me.  I also believe that it's a gift to love being in your home and with your family.  I grew up with a father that yelled and had a temper everyday.  My marriage, family and home life is heaven to me and I'm very greatful for that.  Fibro is my only problem... the darn thing.

Thank you for the post it was interresting and it shed light on some things for me and others I assume.

Love & hugs,

Tricia

Posted 7/31/2008 5:16 AM (GMT 0)
Broomhilda, I just read your post and thought about myself in this situation.  As I've said before, I'm an extrovert and I think it might be a personality thing.  Being a minister's wife causes me to have a lot of social outings.  Someone is always asking us to go somewhere, and you can't go with one couple without hurting someone else's feelings.  (I know I need to learn how to say no).  Then I work at school and my job requires a lot of extra hours of training etc.  I am around a lot of people in a weeks time but I love it.  But just lately I have noticed I love being home more even though I'm a social butterfly.  I complain to my dh that I never get the chance anymore.  Maybe that's why I'm always worn out.

 

Thanks for bringing this subject to our attention.  It might be that I do need to slow down and enjoy my home life more.

 

God Bless!

Shannon

Posted 7/31/2008 5:37 AM (GMT 0)
I think this is a great question. I, too, have been pondering this topic for months now. I am a paradox to people who know me. I am bubbly, very personable, have tons of southern charm and courtesy- but the other truth is that I am an extreme introvert. I don't really like being around people all that much- in fact, things like concerts and where large crowds are gathered seriously upset and overwhelm me. I can be alone for many, many days at a time and never once would I think to myself, "I need to get out and see people!". For now, I workn out of the house and I know that I could become a recluse with no effort at all, and I doubt that I would ever mind it, except I know what would happen to me LOL I would become hugely fat, completely lose my social skills, end up with dozens of cats, and never experience life outside my itty world ever again. So I force myself to try and get out at least 4 days a week, I go to museums, consignment stores, libraries, etc. But I am happier at home. Its a battle I fight each day and I have been wondering lately why I am fighting at all.

Peace!

Posted 7/31/2008 6:52 PM (GMT 0)
I am so glad I came across this site/topic - Thank you! I second-guessed myself time and time again as to whether I was normal or not in regards to this topic. I was always a homebody, but now due to my chronic pain (Diagnosis is Fibro), I stay home now more than ever. And I like being home!! :-) My mother, my boyfriend are always pushing me to "go out" and "do things". Don't get me wrong I'm not a total hermit, I do go out. I work 40 hours a week (in pain) and by the time I get home, I'm depleted, and I don't want to do anything but watch "House" - lol

My boyfriend who I've only been dating for 3 years and that's about the same time I was cursed with Fibro: is a go-go-go type person. So I'm taking bets to see how long this relationship will work?!?! lol...

Anyway... again many thanks to you all for just "being here"

Karen S...
Posted 7/31/2008 9:40 PM (GMT 0)
Hi, Karen, and welcome to the fibromyalgia forum!  Yes, you are now not alone!  We have some wonderful people here that will help you, with good advice and ideas, to live a full and enjoyable life!  Be sure to check out the Fibro 101 thread...the second thread from the top of the forum. There are links to many good things about fibro.

 

I'm so happy that you joined us and am looking forward to hearing more from you soon!

 

Sherrine

Posted 8/1/2008 6:16 AM (GMT 0)
I have found over time I have stopped all contact.  I couldnt handle being treated crazy by the docs and then having my family not understanding the intensity of the pain or why I couldnt go out to their places and trying to get them to come here .

No one without fibro could understand the TYPE of pain,  and i am just to tired to try explain so I spend my time on my own

I just wish I had of known about the forum before.  this is contact anyways, anyone wants to chat here i am.

Posted 8/1/2008 12:24 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Karen S and Sue2z and welcome to our family. Your going to love it here. This forum is made of caring people that are always here for you. Read and learn, ask questions and vent.

 

Broomhilda, you have made us stop and take a look at our social lives or lack of in some cases.

 

luv and hugs

Marlee

Posted 8/2/2008 11:46 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you Mods :) for the Welcome! I am so thankful for this place. It helps me to know, of course, that there are others out there who have similar feelings, experience, and sadly pain.
Posted 8/2/2008 4:38 PM (GMT 0)

I believe I have had FMS since I was a child, and I used to be active w/ my friends. As a teenager and young woman I had my crowd and we always were doing something. As a young wife and mother, I was always on the go, w/ work in and out of the house. I have noticed that in the past 10 yrs I have a harder time keeping up w/ a social life. I have always been the one to do the b/d parties for my children and the holiday parties for my extended family. I finally gave up the b/d parties for my children. Of course we celebrate in house but not w/ half the state here lol. I had to give up most of the holiday parties. I just don't have the energy to handle all those ppl, I am hopeful to continue the Christmas Eve dinner, we will see. I don't much care for talking on the phone, so long calls are out. I am the person who does the cards or notes to remember b/d or anniversaries or just because. I have backed away from a lot of to dos. I can't deal w/ all the noise or confusion. I need smaller gatherings. My younger sis insists that I should go out and meet new ppl and do this or that. She will push until I finally have to say 'leave me alone' I am not stupid, I know what I can handle and what I can't. She thrives on noise and drama.

I like being in my home, or my yd. I enjoy being w/ my DH and my children. I like being w/ my 'puppy'.  I can take small amts of time w/ some family members. Some of them are just overpowering. I know I've changed, but this is where I'm at this time in my life. I'm not unfriendly or unkind, I just need peace. My version, not someone else's version.  My sister said I'm going to a crazy old lady w/ cats. I said I will not, I'll be an old lady w/ dogs.  Enough rambling.  God bless.  Alice.

Posted 8/2/2008 5:44 PM (GMT 0)
I am unhappy with the amount of social life I can deal with. I can't stand out in the drive or lawn and visit with neighbors, because my feet hurt too much. I frequently miss church because I don't feel well enough to get up, get ready and go. I used to do lots of things with friends and groups, other parents when my kids were little and softball/volleyball when I was younger. Now I only have enough energy to stay home, read, watch TV (which is often terrible) I don't have the energy to dance, which I love, or even go to a movie and sit in one of those uncomfortable chairs for 2 hours. My husband travels most of the week and my children are gone, so I'm alone a lot and I hate it. (I'm also having a crabby day) Diane
Posted 8/2/2008 6:36 PM (GMT 0)
Alice maybe we are social burnouts. I use to do all the birthday and holiday stuff, still do Thanksgiving and one Christmas for the kids. My niece is taking on more of the stuff I use to do, she is high energy. Maybe we are at an age where it is time to pass the torch to someone else.

 

I could become a crazy dog lady too but DH won't give an inch on getting a puppy. I know I said I would never have another dog but it is so empty here. He has a life outside of this house five days a week. I may have to start puppy sitting to get my fix.

 

Red Diane, I'm sorry you don't have enough interaction with people. I would go bonkers if my DH traveled too. Would you feel up to starting a card club at your house??? Maybe have some of the church ladies over for a game of bingo or something.

 

I guess having youngest son close and grandchildren in and out all the time I don't notice being alone.

 

Feel better.

 

luv and hugs

Marlee

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