Party updateh

Hurray for you, Kathy!

This just sounds so wonderful in every way.

And you're right, it is your mother's loss.

I'm glad the rest of you didn't let her drag you down.

It is rally hard to get close to my mother, maybe it was the way she was brought up I don't know. From things she has said to me after I finally told her one of my unncles abused me as a child I had repressed that memory until after we got married. Any how I am sure my grandfather abused my mother. And my sister agreed tonight it made sense of things she told us as we were growing up. My parents never loved each other it was arranged by bother of their families. Money was exchanged from what has been said to me from my parents and some of my uncles and Aunts. I can tel you there was not a time in my life or my sisters when we can remember them ever being nice to each other. After my younger sister was born they never shared a bed again.
So as my sister said tonight we had a very tough upbring. But as we agreed it has made us better parents. Because we know what it is like never having our parents love us. Only once in my life has my mother ever told me she loved me. It was after she had been to see a counciler for some things in her life.
My Dad well he is a very sad person who is showing his age [84] and is fast losing what little mind he had left after all the drinking he has done in his life. Just ask him he never had a drinking problem.
Kathy

Sherrine
I have tried over and over again she just does not want us to love her even trying she rejects it. My kids do not go to see her because she just wants to talk about my youngest sister to her no one else matters even though she does not talk to Mum often and lives 3 hours away. She works in such a way she gets 4 days off every two weeks and has no interest in seeing our mother. Mum wanted to more nearer to her and she put a stop to that very fast. My mother is the type off person who went to the party tonight and would not talk to anyone. No matter how much everyone tried to get her to mix she sat on a lounge chair and didn't want to talk to anyone which meant I sat with her and didn't get to talk to our friends who where there.
No my mother has only one person who interest her and that is her.
I have excepted that I will never be close to my mother, it hurts my kids to see someone who will not talk to her great granddaughter. Our son brought her to see my mother and see turned her back on that little girl and wound not even look at her. My mother tried to make a bit deal of her heart tonight which didn't work as she has panic attacks and then tells everyone she needs to go to the hospital which does not work with us I have talked to her doctors. It is jst Mums way of making sure she gets what she wans. So it is not really panic attacks then she brings them on herself as the doctors at our local ER now have written on her file.
The only person mum cares about is herself. My MIL a Aunt who is related to her as well. Her words to me are your mothe will never change sh was like that growing up.
I just get on with my life and just think off all the things she is missing with our families.
Even Christmas is a drama. My kids who make a big deal over Christmas will not go there anymore.

Kathy

Kathy, I'm very sorry about the abuse you suffered. I understand, believe me.

I don't think it is wrong at all to NOT work on helping your mother overcome her problems. It is RIGHT to work on yourself and have your own life. You may want to read about various personality disorders - as it might be possible that your mother has one. There is on in specific called Narcissistic Personality Disorder that I believe my mother has. It also then often extends to the other direct family members - there will be favorities (golden children who can do no wrong) and scapegoats (children who can never do right in the eyes of the parent no matter what). A true narcissistic parent is only interested in either admiration, or pity - both of which puts the attention squarely on them. Drama will be enacted at any chance to bring attention back to them. Narcissistic mothers often pit their own children against eachother - and thrive when they cause the children not to talk directly, but all communication must come through the mother so they can control more. It is a long complicated subject. I knew from first hand experience - and am a member of a group that is helping me understand what is going on - how the abuse affected/affects me - and how I can survive it. Maybe your mom doesn't have it - but be SURE to put yourself FIRST. People who haven't experienced this may think a daughter should serve the mother - but in the case of the destructive parent, this is harmful to us.

Be careful.

Again - so glad you reunited with your sister and her family. This can only be good!

Hi Kathy,

How wonderful that you're reunited with your sister! As for your mother, I feel for you. I'm also dealing with "close" family who just don't care enough to respond, and I'm coming to grips with the fact that this is just the way it's gonna be. It hurts a lot, but there's only so many times you can walk into the same brick wall before you start building scar tissue, and I agree with Princess, YOU have to come first! (I realize you already know this.) :)

Debbie

Sorry about that I will start again. My mother became friendly with one sister and her husband [a very large family] Then my mother became pregnant with a little girl then life was even worse. His mother resented the fact they had had a baby. He had been giving a sum of money to his mother every month why no one except his mother and him knew. He died 2 years after they married from cancer. Now she will tell anyone who will listen they had the perfect marriage. When they really split several times in that time. She talked to no one in the family and my sister did not see anyone in the family until she was about 22yrs old. She is 28 now, and has finally found peace with them. Both sets of grandparents died quite a few years ago. My mother went on to have several relationships a few years after his death. She denies every having them, but she blew all the money she received from the sale of things after he died.
Ever thing you said describs how Mum treats us. For my youngest sister I do not have her phone number or her address, and we are never told when she comes to visit she lives and works 4 hours for here.
My father has a lot to do with as well I would describe him the same way only it was me he he gave all the attension to. A hard way too be brought up. My sister told me she grew up believing no one loved her. I can relate to that as well. My father used me to do work for him. We owned a cattle property [ranch] and we ran 1,000 head of cattle and we worked that place from the time we could ride a horse, when other kids had weekend to relax we worked. At high school they used to change my exam days so I could take them when I was not working [a ruaral school where most of the pupils live and worked with cattle] I was home schooled for the first 6 years of my schooling.
But I am not going to le this get me down now I want to start planning the party when we can get all the young people together so they can get to know each other I know my kids are looking forward to this.
My youngest son will be moving to start work if he wants to for my BIL he has 500 men working under him. And he calls the starting pay of $45 per hour not much the pay rate will climb. WOW that is something I could only dream about.
Thank you for your help in helpin me understand my mother a bit more I will pass it on too my sister

Kathy

This offer to email for more info about Narcissistic parents is open to anyone here by the way - just email me - and make the subject something I might recognize as not spam. :)

*hugs* Achey - sorry to hear you had a bad experience as well.