OT: Parenting teens question

Ok, it gets worse. I realized I should look further into her email. I see in the "Sent" file my daughter's been sending HIM sexy or naked photos all the way back in December. The photos were taken with her cell phone. I am going to cancel or put her cell phone on hold for at least a month & probably a monthlong ban of computer.

No I don't.  Actually, if it were my child, she wouldn't have a cell phone again...until she was on her own and paid for it herself.  She obviously isn't mature enough for one.  Don't take offense at that, please.  It's just a fact.  And her Internet privileges would come to a screeching halt.  Apple, these are privileges and she abused them.  I would say, "no more'

 

My son had a computer in his bedroom and had an older person corresponding with him.  The she started sending gifts!  This is when we realized that he was on the computer, even at night when he should have been sleeping, and "talking" to someone that was at least five years older than he was.  We shut down his Internet service and he could only use the computer in his bedroom for his computer games.  He didn't have Internet again until he was on his own.  We did let him use the Internet on our computer when we were home.  (He didn't have our passwords to get on himself.)  But we did know what he was looking at in that circumstance.

 

He didn't hate us.  It's called tough love.  He is in the data processing field now and I'm very proud of him.  But, teenagers can get into a lot of trouble with the devices out now.  They didn't have cell phones, let alone cell phones where you could take pictures of yourself, back when my kids were teenagers...thank goodness! And everyone got along just great without them, too!

Sherrine 

Ouch, not what you wanted to see! I'm sorry you're having to deal with such a difficult thing.

I don't know what your relationship is like with your daughter. If it were either of mine at that age, they would have been 1) mad at me because I'd looked at their private "world," and at the same time, 2) absolutely mortified. But they would have listened to reason when I explained the seriousness of the whole situation. Whatever your views on the subject, you can't get around the laws.

But I also know what you mean about not wanting to fan the flames by being too strict. Some kids basically want to be in your good graces, and some (like my son) couldn't have cared less. He would have found a way to do whatEVER he wanted, no matter what we took away from him (a friend's phone or computer?) Where there's a will...

Of course, your husband's relationship with her comes into play, too. Sounds like he didn't need this, either.

Good luck. Debbie

Our computer is in a public area but she has been doing this after I went to bed. But now I've laid down the law that she needs to be in bed by 10. If she's not sleeping, that's fine, but I want her in bed. I told her point blank what I discovered & exactly how it's going to be from now on. She did attempt a little of the "invasion of privacy" whine, but I told her that she can take that up with the ACLU, once she's on her own & paying for her own internet service & phone bills. She was pretty mortified & we had a long discussion. I asked her to think of herself in my place. Overall, she was mature about it.Thanks everyone for your advice

I completly understand your dilema. We have an 18 year old, she just turned 18 in June. She decided her first act of "freedom" would be to date a guy that was just released from the State Prison. He lied to her, of course. But I got on the phone to my family. My mom, older brothers and very close friends all joined in on our intervention. We were able to show her his rap sheet that showed everything from stalking to stabbing a guy. Her father told her that she had a choice to make. If she was going to date him she needed to move out. That was very hard for me to stand by him on but I knew he was right. There were allot of tears and she called my oldest daughter to get her advice. She ended up breaking it off with him. She knows that everyone in town is watching her. I'm 99% certain she is not back with him. She was pretty shocked at all the stuff he had done that he didn't tell her about. Your lucky they haven't met in person yet. I immediatly made her a doctors apt. She was tested for STD's and pregnancy. I'm happy to save she was in the clear on everything. She knows now we mean buisness. Don't worry about privacy she is putting herself out on the phone and internet her privacy at home is the least of her worries.
If you haven't I would tell your husband. I am still amazed at my husbands insight on things even though he's not a girl. If anything did happen I'm sure he wouldn't be happy about not being informed. Even in all this we kept telling her we loved her no matter what she had done and we would never stop loving her but if she wanted to behave that way it would have to be on her own not in our home. They are so quick to think they are grown up at that age but with being grown up comes responsibility for your actions. Mommy and Daddy can't bail you out anymore. I'ts only been 4 months since this happened but she is holding down a 40 hour a week job, going to college at night, and just bought her first car and got her license all on her own. I can see she is proud of herself and with that confidence comes a better sense of self. She is respecting herself more now and in turn showing us respect.
I truly hope your young lady turns around without having too many hard times. We have raised 5 daughters and our youngest has been by far the hardest but each of them has turned out ok and come back to us with gratitude for the tough love.

I'm sorry you had to go through all this. It's stressful raising teens sometime. But in the end, we love them and they love us. My nephew lived with our family for three years in high school and my hubby came home one evening from a sporting event and found him in bed with another high school girl. I took his door away -- literally! I pulled the pins and carried it out myself and kept it off for a month. I think I made my point.

We all do what we have to do when these situations come up. Yes, it is tough love and they may get defensive, but we have to stand our ground. The one thing I would still do is tell your husband. I've been on the other side of things with my hubby withholding information on me because he doesn't want to make my health issues worse or trigger a fibro flare, but I can tell you that I feel betrayed when that happens. While his intentions may be good, I would still rather know these things than inadvertently find out later. I flare 10 times worse when that happens. :-(