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Compassion is it a thing of the past?

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Posted 8/2/2012 5:15 AM (GMT 0)
Hi all, I had some bad news a good friend of mine passed away and her memorial was today. We have not talked a lot in the past year or so due to our life choices, I quit smoking and drinking and we were both grandparents trying to balance things. She was her husbands bands groupie and weekends were for drinking, smoking, partying. We were very opposite but had so much in common at the same time.

I admit I am not good company when I am in pain so we drifted apart but when I read about her obituary in the paper today I cried and cried for the loss of a dear friend and said a prayer for her husband and their children.

I could not possibly attend the service but signed the guest book and was amazed that only a handful of people had. I always try to send condolences to family, friends when there is a death because I guess I was brought up that it's the right thing to do.

Between the fibro and my back surgery and now hip issue I am thinking more and more about my mortality. I certainly hope people who know me send their condolences to my family because it's almost like measuring someone's impact they made while on this earth.

I probably will be sore for a few days but I will know why, when I am able to walk and drive again I will be stopping in and giving her husband a more personal greeting. I certainly hope her memorial was overflowing, should have been she has a large family.
Posted 8/2/2012 6:30 AM (GMT 0)
Rose,

I know exactly what you mean. I assume you mean the online guest book? I've written a paragraph on a couple of people just this month, and only one or two other people had. I don't get it! I wasn't close to these people, but still, they meant something to me; I cared about them and was sad to hear they had passed. Maybe a lot of people just don't realize how much it means to the family, somehow...

How much harder for you, when this woman was a close friend - I am sorry! I agree, I'd like to think that people will be sad when I'm gone, and show that to my family...it helps ease their suffering.

That was one of the hardest things for me when my parents died, less than 5 months apart...and it still rankles, 4 years later...the people who I always assumed would care, and didn't come through - including "close" family. Talk about a rude awakening. I hurt so much for my parents' sake, knowing how they always cared about these people! And they were there for them, too...

But I'm starting to realize that it brought them joy to love and give. In the end, that's what matters the most.

I'm really sorry you couldn't go to your friend's service. Your prayer is a wonderful gift, though.

Gentle hugs, Debbie
Posted 8/2/2012 6:31 AM (GMT 0)
After last week dealing with people I realized how respect and lack of compassion has been thrown out of the window. That is one thing I did teach my kids.
Posted 8/2/2012 8:58 AM (GMT 0)
Oh Rose, I wish I could take the pain away from you. Huggsss my condolences to you, your family, your friend's family.

I have had 3 hardships to bear in my life hon: Chemotherapy, my brother and his four legged son being killed in action during Iraqi War 5 years ago and in March when I lost my grandmother, step mother, a nephew (he had a heart attack and he was only a kid still) , 2 aunts, an uncle From February 29 to April 20

I am so sorry you couldn't go to your friend's service. I didn't go to my brothers or his dogs (burried together, cremated ) because I was in severe shock, and didn't really believe he was gone. Then that ate me up, I wasn't there for him. I went to their grave later on, when I finally realized he wasn't coming back home. He opened my eyes in his death too. I realized what all I was going to do (developed asthma during boot and got out) and how much our Armed Forces do, and the sacrifice they all give. I also knew in my heart what my brother would do if he was just wounded. He was always there for people, no matter what. He would of somehow supported his fellow comrades. I am an active military supporter through his and his dog partner's names with care packages, letters, saying thanks, so on. There are ways to bring honour upon your friend. For my brother, it was doing something he would of and signing everything "gold star family in loving memory of cpl ____ and sgt ____, mwd" What does your friend love to do? Perhaps you could do that to honour her and let her memory live on..
Posted 8/2/2012 12:01 PM (GMT 0)
I see more of "everyone for themselves" attitudes.  Children aren't taught about caring as much as they used to...from what I've observed anyway.  Also, people do not stop to smell the roses along the way.  Everyone seems to be in a rush and caught up in what they want to do.  "Oh, I don't have time in my schedule for this.  They won't miss me." 

 

It's really sad when we don't take others into consideration.  I'm quite sure the people on this forum do because illness somehow increases our compassion for others.  But the healthy folks out there just don't stop and think.  They seem to just be thinking of themselves and, unfortunately, their children are following in their footsteps.

 

This isn't everyone, either.  We have wonderful people working in our communities that are trying to help others, too, and I'm thankful for these wonderful people but I sure have noticed a difference, too, Rose.  I think we are just old enough to see it.  But, I do think the tide is turning.  People are starting to want to make a connection with others and are starting to pitch in again.  After all, this is part of our heritage...no matter what country you live in.  Down through the ages we helped one another, neighbors were true friends, and I do think we are heading back in that direction.  I sure hope so!

 

Sherrine

Posted 8/2/2012 1:42 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you I do see compassion here on HW and that is one of the reasons I wrote this. I am hurt on the families behalf as my dear friend has so many friends.

I have had to deal with death a few times closely as well and got through a couple because of all the love and compassion I received. I truly believe her husband needs to look through cards, flowers, anything where someone left a tiny note telling him they thought she was a special lady too, as when his mom dies he told me he did.

I know people die and as I get older I am reading about people I knew weekly in the obituary but this one really got to me. We worked in an office of over one hundred people and when She decided to change jobs the entire staff was in shock, she greeted every one of those people every day for 7 years. Organized their office birthday party, held their babies. Out of them all only two including myself signed the online guest book and I even went into my facebook account and told my friends there who lots were her ex coworkers to go sign her guest book.

Anyway thank you all for letting me vent again. I am off to shower and get that cortisone needle in my hip today so I might no longer require my cane and walker. It seems the minute I leave one or the other at home I need it so now I pack both. Lol
Posted 8/2/2012 2:03 PM (GMT 0)
When my Dad died there were few online condolances and nearly 100 lovely cards and letters were sent. Those sentiments are still very tangible and meaningful. The online messages were printed out are all in a beautiful basket along with cards and letters in my Mom's living room, sitting next to my Dad's chair. My Mom and us kids still find comfort sitting in Dad's chair reading the comforting messages and knowing my Dad's life was celebrated. We appreciated everyone who shared their compassion.

So many of the cards came from people we didn't know...just signed with a first name. My Dad celebrated 40 years of sobriety and attended weekly AA meetings to encourage others. Knowing my Dad had such a positive influence on others recovery waswonderful. At my Dad's funeral...people came up to me and told me how Dad had changed their life.

I am so very sorry for your loss, Rose. Each relationship is so unique, a friend can be so differant than ourself, but you share a common trait...love for one another.

Hugs, Robin

PS  I love you all  yeah

Post Edited (crazykitty) : 8/2/2012 9:38:16 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 8/2/2012 2:47 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Rose! I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of your friend. Loosing a part of your history is so hard. What a blessing you are to have taken the time to write a heartfelt message of condolence to the family. The fact that you care enough to share your memories and love says that your heart is good. :-)

I agree, compassion seems to be a thing of the past in many people's lives. It is so unfortunate. We live in a world where sensitivity, compassion and "the golden rule" seem to be all but gone. I feel it is up to parents of the next generation to teach compassion to their children. My girls are both very sensitive and compassionate, yet they won't tolerate being treated like doormats. Exactly like their momma LOL :-) I think a lot of it comes from all the technology these days. People can hide behind a computer screen and say the nastiest most vile things and remain unseen.

You just keep being your sweet, sensitive self, Rose!! Please don't let others uncouth actions bring you heartache. ((hugs))
Posted 8/3/2012 1:00 AM (GMT 0)
Sorry for your loss of your friend, Rose.

As a preacher's kid I've seen more than my share of funerals. It warms the heart of the love ones to see a room full of people who knew and loved the deceased.

My parents taught my siblings and me to show compassion to everyone. I try to instill it in my nieces and nephews who live close by.
Posted 8/3/2012 2:15 AM (GMT 0)
I'm so sorry about the loss of your friend. I'm also sorry that you weren't able to make it to her memorial, but I'd like to think that she'd understand. .
Posted 8/3/2012 1:33 PM (GMT 0)
It's true, sadly. People do send less tangible remembrances than they used to.

An alternate perspective though- the world is big nowadays and people live further apart and have vastly different lives than they did fifty years ago. It is not as easy to hear of deaths as you might think, sometimes.

When my sister died in May, I made a list of people throughout her life she knew, so we could contact them. I am sure I missed several, due to our age gap; There is twelve years between us.
The problem became finding them. Old emails and addresses got returned. A google search turned up old information... again, the internet keeps everything.

The people I did contact were lovely, and I think glad to know. They could contact others, whom they had kept up with. But, I know that several people who would have wanted to know are out there.
Posted 8/4/2012 12:10 AM (GMT 0)
Some people just don't know how to express condolences, so don't be too quick to assume they don't care.
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