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i think my mom hates me

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Posted 8/26/2009 7:05 PM (GMT 0)
im so done with this. she treats me like crap then turns it around like i started it. i hate her i hate her i hate her. why me why does she treat me like this? she hurts me so bad and she doesnt realize how much it hurts me. i try to help her and all i get is her treating my like crap. am i such a horrible daughter that she has to tell me she hates me?

today i wake up and was supposed to pick my mom up and go to the eye doc for me and then to the place so my mom can get a counselor and then to social security to get the paperwork for my mom to get social security. well i woke up with a flat tire, had to cancel my eye apptment, go get my tire fix then i went to my moms. even before i got there my mom is mad at me cause my tire went flat(like i can control that) then i call attorney to ask about my moms case and the whole time im on the phone she is yelling at me and then i screwed up when they ask me about alcohol for my mom(in background i hear my mom say five years) so that is what i told them even though i knew not to tell them the truth cause they will think that is what caused her disease although it is not. then my mom tells me i am a monster and she hates me.

i leave upset and crying so hard i puke and ruin my kings island tickets i got from work and was gonna sell so hubby like there goes those tickets. she keeps trying to call me and finally i talk to her and she starts with im sorry but then goes in on how i disrespected her and blamed me for the attorney saying they cant help and saying it was cause how i talked to her. yeah i shouldnt have yelled back at her but when she is telling me she hates me and yelling at me what am i supposed to do.

i am a total horrible person i know that. after all why else would my mom treat me this way even after all i did for her. i must be for her to hate me so much. and yet i still stand by her and do what i feel is right but i must deserve it.

Posted 8/26/2009 7:33 PM (GMT 0)
((((worriedgirl)))), It's not you she hates.......it the disease.......That old saying ......you always take it out on the one you love is so true. This stupid disease reaks havoc on the patients and caregivers alike.

I know it hurts big time to hear her talk that that..........but it is really not her............it's the disease talking. Everyone gets pushed to the limit sometimes........that's when it time to back off for a bit and take a break........It's time for you to step back and take care of yourself for a bit.......do something nice for yourself.......pamper yourself with something that calms you down and makes you feel good about yourself.......Get your emotions and thoughts under control so to speak..........You are a good daughter........some can not do what you have been able to do.........Be proud of yourself.......You are a strong courageous woman. But you need to take care of yourself sometimes too.

Lot's of thoughts and prayers...........
Posted 8/26/2009 7:45 PM (GMT 0)
Worriedgirl, First of all you DON"T deserve to be yelled at like that. Secondly, you are not a horrible person or bad daughter. Thirdly, your mom hasn't assumed any responsibility for her condition. She is still playing the blame game. This is on her not on you. Maybe for a little while you shouldn't have any contact with her at all. You need some time and space to clear your head. Don't take her calls and don't go over there for a bit. Relax and spend time with your family, friends, and most of all for yourself. This is not selfish or bad. This is self preservation. Who is responsible for her condition? Did you pour booze down her throat? Did you give her drugs? Of course not. So don't assume responsibility for it. She made the choices to do these things. Now, she has to live with the consequences. She doesn't really blame you at all. She says that to take the heat off of herself. Don't blame yourself! You have really gone the extra mile for her. In the meantime she is driving you crazy. So, block her calls from your phones, don't go over there for awhile, and just relax. You are a good daughter and a good person. Do something that makes you happy. Maybe you and your hubby can have a date night. Go out to dinner and a movie. See a comedy that will really make you laugh. You need a good laugh girl. I know that you really wish that things were different between you two but they aren't. They are what they are and she is who she is. That doesn't take anything away from who and what you are. You need to seperate the two issues. Hers and yours. Treat yourself well and remember that you are special.
Posted 8/26/2009 8:48 PM (GMT 0)
thanks pink grandma and shelley those words mean alot.

i was so upset i got sick, it was a bad day and it was my day off. what hurts the most is that it seems like everytime i decide to forgive her and wipe the slate clean she does this to me and hurts me so why do i try? i think i will explain how my life was growing up in short version and maybe it will help, i hope you dont mind.

when i was a kid grandma got custody. when i was seven i had a ear infection and my grandma gave me a choice of staying with mom and staying home from school or going with her(i lived with gma) and going to dr and going to school and i chose gma. not because i loved her more but because i wanted to go to school. well the next day my mom called for my gma and she wasnt there and i tried talking to my mom and she hung up on me. when i was eight i went to live with my mom cause she cleaned up and my gma wanted me to give my mom a chance so i did it for gma. when i was seventeen i went to florida with my hubby(boyfriend at the time) and when i came back my mom had disappeared and i had no idea where to until later that night (turns out my mom had picked up my sister and moved to athens without me or telling me. i was living with gma because of my school but still it hurt and she was running from a drug dealer). when i was 19 she stayed the night with me and hubby(again just bf but i was living with him) she stole alcohol and my hubby and mine painkiller from our surgeries(we had surgeries a week apart, him for hernia me for tonsils and adenoids). not to mention all the money she has stolen off of us including some of our money that was given as a gift from our wedding(i just found this out 7 years later) then she stayed with us and we woke up and she had stolen my hubbys(bf at time) car and when we got it back there was a crack pipe under the seat that if he would have gotten pulled over he would have went to jail. when i was 8 months(very close to 9 months) pregnant i took my mom to a concert and she was supposed to drive if i went into labor(i was due in 3 weeks) but she kept sneaking alcohol(last concert i went to with her). she snuck alcohol in a cup in my car and was drinking it in my car without my knowledge in which i could have been arrested. when she went to jail for a old ticket and i couldnt take her calls cause of them being collect(too much money on a cell phone) she called me at work and yelled at me. oh did i tell you she called me a failure when i failed my math proficiency in 9th grade.

yet i still have stood by her and been there for her and yet i get treated like trash. i know some of it is the disease and some of it is because she is a mean hateful b*^#*. not all of it can be attributed to the disease but yet i do it. my hubby and my friends all say she deserves to die alone and doesnt deserve my help but i cant help but think i need to be there. i will take a couple of days without her as she is driving me nuts.

Posted 8/26/2009 8:50 PM (GMT 0)
Hang in there hun, when your ill you lash out at the person closest too you. It's the illness and the fear of what is to come. Your not a horrible person don't even think that. I know I initial feel guilty when I take time for myself but it really does help to regenerate my spirit. Do something just for you.

Barbara
Posted 8/26/2009 8:53 PM (GMT 0)
oh yeah when my gma died instead of staying where i needed her she went off and did drugs
Posted 8/26/2009 9:14 PM (GMT 0)

worried girl,None of this is your fault and dont take it to heart what she says,the disease affects everyone.Take some time for yourself and then see if you can talk civilly to her and maybe you can both communicate with each other before its to late.If it doesnt work then walk away and hope for the best. Did you check out my topic on caregivers.

My prayers are with you,DeeDee

Posted 8/26/2009 9:36 PM (GMT 0)
well we talked and she apologized but yet still refuses to see that i love her. she says that she seen more of me when she was on drugs than now but that is not true. i told her that when she tells me she hates me it makes me feel like crap and that if she wants respect she has to give it to me. i also told her that i feel like the adult and her the child. then i told her that if i didnt love her that when she was into the alcohol and stuff i could have left and had nothing to do with her but i stuck by her. of course she constantly interrupts so it takes 30 mins. to get one sentence out. she then starts on oh i should have never involved you i should have done it myself i am putting to much pressure on you and i tell her that is not the case that i dont mind helping her but i need her to trust me. then she tells me she thinks i am bipolar too! what the hell. i am not bipolar!!!!!!! but we are speaking a little but i still am upset with her
Posted 8/27/2009 12:36 AM (GMT 0)
Worried.....first of all, I would like to say how sorry I am that you have had to endure this your whole life!

Your mother has a disease, set apart from the liver disease...she is an alcoholic and an addict. THAT is what is making her the way she is. It sounds to me like she has been blaming you all your life. I completely agree.....you need to step back away from the picture for a bit. You need to make her be responsible for her actions and face the consequences. She has never had to be responsible, and it's time she did become responsible. You cannot help her until she is willing to help herself!! So, you need to step back, take care of yourself, and be healthy and when she's ready to handle boundaries, then step in a little. I know that sounds harsh, but you absolutely do not deserve the abuse. Is she still drinking?? Because if she is, it will only make things worse.

 YOu are not a horrible daughter, it is her disease that is talking. You are a precious child of God, and don't you forget it.

Have you thought about going to alanon meetings?? It may help you deal with some of this. You take care of YOU, honey!! And, focus on YOUR family!!!

God Bless YOu!

Mer

Posted 8/27/2009 12:39 AM (GMT 0)
....and, Worried, your mom does not hate you....she hates herself, if that makes any sense. She's just taking it out on you!!
Posted 8/27/2009 12:42 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks I appreciate the words
Posted 8/27/2009 1:39 AM (GMT 0)
She says she went through alot growing up but some things I'm not sure I believe cause she has lied so much
Posted 8/27/2009 4:04 AM (GMT 0)
It is difficult at best to be attacked by someone that is supposed to love you unconditionally. The advice I give my daughter and others when they are stressed by situations out of control is to #1 remember to breathe. Take some time and just listen to yourself breathe in and out for a while. Then, probably the hardest thing to do, is send your "attacker" love. You don't have to say it out loud. You can just say it in your mind ... "I love you." And over time, watch the transformation take place.

Others are right. Your mother has to take responsibility for not only her own actions but for her own healing. You cannot do that for her. There is no reason she cannot talk to the attorneys. As a matter of fact, having worked for attorneys for over 25 years, they prefer to speak directly to their clients. Im sure you mother is frightened but she is an adult and it is time for her to take responsibility for the choices she has made in life.
Posted 8/27/2009 8:09 AM (GMT 0)

oh worried girl , you have to slow down a bit, the advice is right about taking a step backwards. i have lost count of the times i have said i hated my mum, for what she did to me , her partner, my kids and her own mother. right now i am so occupied with my gran being very sick that i have to put my mum at the back of my mind. the disease makes them self centred, selfish, bad tempered, unreasonable, short tempered but their disease also makes us hard to live with, anxious, on edge, at times i think i won't cry or she will never upset me like that but it a;ways happens again. get all your frustrations out you will feel much better. i dont think your mum realises how much she upsets you, you have all this pain inside you that sometimes you are able to deal with but sometimes not. this disease has made me very bitter, i see a lot of my feeling in what you write. i think no matter how your mum treats you its only human instict to crave for her love.

my mumrefuses to accept how ill she is, you cant give advice because then you a know it all. she is getting to the stage she cantcope with her finances, she keeps her business well guarded, does notwant you to know anything. but when debt letters and things come in she puts them away in the drawer, she cant face up to not being able to cope.

deep down your mum loves you,she needs you but hates having to admit it. one thing i have done with my mumlately is i have told her i am not going to take her shouting at me , i dont deserve to be treated like that and i will not accept it.i did for years and it wears you down. she thinks i am a child that should behave herself and not overdramatise. pull your self together, she would say to me as i watched her ill crawling up the stairs, trousers sliding to her knees being incontinent. me a big child at 44.

so please do not be too hard on yourself, give yourself credit when its due. if you find yourself getting too anxious upset at things, do take a step backwards, take a little time for yourself, give yourself time to recharge your batteries. you can only do your best,but you will make yourself ill, if you allow her to upset you like that. you have done so well so far,yo have been there for her, you are a good daughter,your mum knows that, even though she might not show it. i should take my own advice sometimes.

Posted 8/27/2009 9:45 AM (GMT 0)

allie2631 said...

oh worried girl , you have to slow down a bit, the advice is right about taking a step backwards. i have lost count of the times i have said i hated my mum, for what she did to me , her partner, my kids and her own mother. right now i am so occupied with my gran being very sick that i have to put my mum at the back of my mind. the disease makes them self centred, selfish, bad tempered, unreasonable, short tempered but their disease also makes us hard to live with, anxious, on edge, at times i think i won't cry or she will never upset me like that but it a;ways happens again. get all your frustrations out you will feel much better. i dont think your mum realises how much she upsets you, you have all this pain inside you that sometimes you are able to deal with but sometimes not. this disease has made me very bitter, i see a lot of my feeling in what you write. i think no matter how your mum treats you its only human instict to crave for her love.

my mumrefuses to accept how ill she is, you cant give advice because then you a know it all. she is getting to the stage she cantcope with her finances, she keeps her business well guarded, does notwant you to know anything. but when debt letters and things come in she puts them away in the drawer, she cant face up to not being able to cope.

deep down your mum loves you,she needs you but hates having to admit it. one thing i have done with my mumlately is i have told her i am not going to take her shouting at me , i dont deserve to be treated like that and i will not accept it.i did for years and it wears you down. she thinks i am a child that should behave herself and not overdramatise. pull your self together, she would say to me as i watched her ill crawling up the stairs, trousers sliding to her knees being incontinent. me a big child at 44.

so please do not be too hard on yourself, give yourself credit when its due. if you find yourself getting too anxious upset at things, do take a step backwards, take a little time for yourself, give yourself time to recharge your batteries. you can only do your best,but you will make yourself ill, if you allow her to upset you like that. you have done so well so far,yo have been there for her, you are a good daughter,your mum knows that, even though she might not show it. i should take my own advice sometimes.

allie i know what you mean about following own advice. i give out advice but yet i cant follow my own advice. our relationship has gotten better than it was but somehow seems to always come to a huge blowout when she is stressed out and it is hard on me. she needs antidepressants but cant afford them and i cant afford them either and social security keeps turning her down. whats harder is when she starts blaming everyone else for her problems but cant take responsibility. she says she was molested as a kid but i find it hard to believe with all the lies that she has given me and because her molester never tried anything on me and any other kid in the family. i dont know if maybe it was because by then her molester(supposed) was sober. it is really hard dealing with this disease and i can see why some just cant do it and i find it  hard to deal with her. but i cant stop helping her because the guilt will be harder for her. im afraid of giving up because that would make me no better than her.


Posted 8/27/2009 9:47 AM (GMT 0)
and ps. i told her if she tells me she hates me again i am through with her
Posted 8/27/2009 10:27 PM (GMT 0)
i think you are wrong to say that if you gave up you would be no better than her. think about it. you have tried hard, to be there for her, through the bad times and the easier times. you also have the added worry of paying for her medicine.i am not sure how that works out for you, it certainly cant be easy when you have to worry about paying for her medicine. i am fortunate that way, because here in Scotland that is not an issue.

you can only try your best, do what you can when you can.you have nothing to feel guilty for. she also like my mum has done this to herself, although they will not own up to that. my mum blamed everone else for her drinking. the councilling done nothing for her,going there allowed her to blame everyone else on her drinking. i think it had the opposite effect.she would come back and then shout at her mother,blaming her for her problems.

i am starting to realise that we only have one life and it sure goes quick. by all means help to care for your mum, but accept no nonsense and start living your life for yourself.

Posted 8/28/2009 12:09 PM (GMT 0)

allie2631 said...
i think you are wrong to say that if you gave up you would be no better than her. think about it. you have tried hard, to be there for her, through the bad times and the easier times. you also have the added worry of paying for her medicine.i am not sure how that works out for you, it certainly cant be easy when you have to worry about paying for her medicine. i am fortunate that way, because here in Scotland that is not an issue.

you can only try your best, do what you can when you can.you have nothing to feel guilty for. she also like my mum has done this to herself, although they will not own up to that. my mum blamed everone else for her drinking. the councilling done nothing for her,going there allowed her to blame everyone else on her drinking. i think it had the opposite effect.she would come back and then shout at her mother,blaming her for her problems.

i am starting to realise that we only have one life and it sure goes quick. by all means help to care for your mum, but accept no nonsense and start living your life for yourself.

i am feeling alot better today. that day was such a bad day for me. i was a mixture of nerves with my kid going back to school(she loves school and i hate her going cause i miss her), my tire going flat and having to cancel my eye apptment and the lady at eye appointment i talked to was a *****, my hubby was being hubby lol, and then the fight with my mom topped it off. we are now talking and getting along but this disease is rough. she says she understands the effects of it on me but she dont understand. she is depressed i know it and getting turned down by social security and my sister lying to her and never coming around gets her. of course sometimes i get yelled at for that to.
Posted 8/28/2009 9:01 PM (GMT 0)
i think the only people who can have an idea of what you are going through, is those going through a similar thing. if your mum is anything like mine, she does not realise everything that is happened to her, so how can she understand what you are going through, its so hard to juggle your own family PROPERLY, look after yourself, go to work and look after her.

i am glad you are feeling a little better today, we all have days when nothing goes right and having to deal with your mum would not have been easy as you were already totally stressed to start with.
Posted 8/28/2009 9:11 PM (GMT 0)

allie2631 said...
i think the only people who can have an idea of what you are going through, is those going through a similar thing. if your mum is anything like mine, she does not realise everything that is happened to her, so how can she understand what you are going through, its so hard to juggle your own family PROPERLY, look after yourself, go to work and look after her.

i am glad you are feeling a little better today, we all have days when nothing goes right and having to deal with your mum would not have been easy as you were already totally stressed to start with.

on a good note i am going out on a date with my husband. a friend is keeping our kid and we are going to a movie and dinner. yeah
Posted 8/28/2009 9:54 PM (GMT 0)
worriedgirl, I am glad you are going on a date night with your hubby. You need to have fun, laugh, and enjoy the moment. We get so wrapped up in our problems that we forget what it's like to have some fun. It does the soul good......have fun.
Posted 8/29/2009 3:46 PM (GMT 0)
i had fun on my date night. we went to red lobster and had the endless shrimp, which was good until i bit into one and it still had poop in it ewwwwww i had shrimp poo in my mouth and my hubby found that hilarious. we then went and seen the new final fantasy in which was good and gory but not as good as the first three even if it was in 3d. i think they could have done better with the 3d but all in all i had fun. we went to bed loving on each other and woke up that way which was nice. i realize it is easy to get lost in cartaking and being a mommy that we forget all about who we are. i did call my mom once because there was a big storm and i knew she was out and possibly walking and i wanted to make sure that she was home safe and she was and i only let the convo last 1 minute.
Posted 8/29/2009 8:23 PM (GMT 0)
There is not more that I can add to the already replys... They are so right, you need to take a step back and take care of yourself other wise you are in no shape to help. As hard as it is to remember, do not allow what she says to you leave you thinking that you are not a good and careing person. That is thier tactic... just like a young child that throws a temper-tamper because they can have what they want when they want it. It is their way of trying to control you through guilt. Do not give in to this... of what help you can offer and when you feel you are able to and appreciate yourself when you do. You have a life to live too and you can not live your life and someone else life at the same time. You have a right to live your life and to find your own happiness and if your mother is unhappy then it is her own fault and like it or not she is paying for her own choices made by this. You can not allow yourself to pay for her issues. Give her that unconditional love, help her when you can but do not allow the conditions to be hers, it is your time and love. And if you need to then step back and take a break away from it. My best to you from one that had also gone through being abused from this diease.
Posted 8/29/2009 9:07 PM (GMT 0)
Worriedgirl, wow....I am so glad you had fun. Wasn't it great to just forget all the problems of life? Maybe you and hubby can do date night once a wek or so. It is such a great stress reliever isn't it?
Posted 8/30/2009 6:32 AM (GMT 0)
Yeah it felt good to get out, my last date night was my anniversary and it went sour cause my car broke down. I know I have learned alot from this board and find myself helping others here and other boards so thank you guys. But I don't know how I am gonna cope with all this. Sometimes I feel(during the real bad times cause everything she has done) that when her time comes my life will be easier but right afterwards I know that I will be devastated when it comes and I know that it will be here sooner than later. It kills me that my sister lies to her and doesn't help her. I have done everything for her and been there for her so I have no regrets but my sister can't even make that happen. When my mom had gallbladder removed I sat at hospital with my kid for six hours( I had to call off work) to show support. I waited numerous times in the er with her, been thee for her CT and biopsies, talked with her doctors, bought her meds, taken her to the store, and been her caretaker. I an gonna be the one who has to pay money I don't have for her funeral and yet I worry that I am not doing enough for her. But after my date night I do feel more refreshed and I plan on staying strong. Thanks everyone
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