drinking

i am hoping i am wrong but i cant shake this feeling my mom is drinking again. i asked her and she says she is not but she has argued with me over stupid stuff, gone two days with out calling me, and is lying. normally the lying is the trigger for me but its not me she is lying to this time, it is my cousin. she lives with my cousin but constantly lies to her about her whereabouts and who is taking her where and she tries to get me to lie for her to. i dont want to so when cousin calls i play stupid so i dont start trouble. i havent smelled any alcohol on her but i have a bad sense of smell, and she will claim its her perfume. but i am down to the fact that if she is drinking again i am done for good with her. my cousin says she hasnt drank any beer at her house but i know for a fact she is hanging around with a woman that is a drinker. maybe im wrong. i hope i am. or maybe im just worried that she will go back to her old ways and that its my mind playing tricks on me.  my mom t old me last week that a year ago they gave her 16 months without treatment, and since she is allergic to the shot and chemo mix, that she now has 6 months. i dont know if that is true and i plan on asking her doctor come the 18th.

Worried Girl,

Been there too many times. If you even suspect your Mom is drinking, she is. Old line I've heard time and again, "How do you tell when an alcoholic is lying? Their lips are moving."

Something has got ahold of your Mom that she can't control, and if she isn't working with a therapist or AA, it doesn't look good for her.

The hard part for you is to figure out how you are going to deal with it. All I can offer you are my kind thoughts and prayers.

-Andy

i agree sober people do make mistakes alot to. i am sorry if i had offended anyone with this post. i know alcohol is a touchy subject but alcohol and drugs have caused me many heartaches and pain in my life. i know i am no angel, i do drink occassionally but its never alone always with hubby so that i dont ever get that urge to continue. it pains me to see t he mother that is supposed to love me love alcohol more than me or her own life. on top of that the drugs have killed all my hope for her. yes she is off the drugs as of now but from past experience that may not last long. i hate the fact that i am losing my mom early because she chose to destroy her body. i know that alcoholism is a disease just like hep c and cirrhosis is a disease but yet i feel that she should want to quit and stay sober to see her grandchildren grow up. i will eventually have to explain to my six year old why her meema is not around anymore and that breaks my heart. i seen what her papa dying did to her and i am not looking forward to this again as my girl is a little closer to her meema. i already limit the time my daughter is around my mom but my girl adores her anyways. i think back to all that should have been with us and ache for the closeness that every daughter should feel with her mom and knowing i will never have it. alcohol and drugs stole that away from me.

on the side note since the hep diagnosis i have been a little closer to her but it is a guarded closeness. unfortuanately i dont have anyone to talk to about this and get all my feelings off my chest. my sister is no help whatsoever to me and so all of moms care is on my shoulders and when she dies that will be all on my shoulders also and i will have to pay for it all and i know that gonna put a strain on us financially, my husband hates her and i dont blame him(her actions could have put him in jail once for something that he didnt do luckily he noticed before ever getting that far) and he listens to me but he feels she brought this all on herself(which she did push all her other family away as they got tired of her stealing and lying from them so they cut her out of their life) and he is already stressed out enough so i dont want to burden him, i dont have any real friends that i can count on. my only one real friend is my hubbys best friend and so i cant turn to them. so i turn to you guys to get my feelings under control. i have come to learn that the disease is not only hard on the one who has the disease but also the one taking care of the person with the disease. i hate the disease itself. im sorry this is so long but i have thoughts in my head that i need to get out.

i dont think she will ever fully change and i either have to deal with it or cut her out of my life.(most people dont understand why i am doing what i am doing as i am doing more for her than she  has ever done for me). if i cut her out of my life then i am afraid i will live with regrets when she passes and she will die alone. if i deal with it i run the risk of losing my sanity(if i ever had any) but i know despite what i have said about cutting  her out if i catch her drinking i will most likely deal with it so i have no regrets. i am naive and stupid i guess for continuing down the same path but i cannot let my mom die alone.

timeless said...
Hello Worriedgirl , So sorry if she isn't staying away from the alcohol . After looking at my own behavior in the past with a clear set of lenses that what I considered to be not hurting anyone but me was hurting everyone but me , But without divine intervention ( Hep C and Cirrhosis ) that my life would have gone on destroying others . Personally I think sober people make ill choices most of the time and yes drunks make bad decisions all the time , It is how we choose to deal with bad choices that we achieve growth to wisdom and therefore don't continue on a path full of snakes once bitten on our journey through life . People often are miserable and drag each other down and there comes a time when you realize whats going on , Do you stand and walk away or stay and try to change others thinking . As you know trying to change a person whom is refusing change is not likely . For what it's worth , Just the rambling of a alcoholic . Rick

thank you pink grandma and yes it does feel good to get this off my chest. i am under stress and no one understands here but its nice to have people who understand. i really appreciate you guys.

no need to apologize, i just thought maybe i upset you and i dont want to. yes we are similar. and the decision is tough. i want my daughter to know her meema but i dont want  her hurt the way i have been. As a parent myself, i can understand why your parents did what they did as they were trying to protect you and i hope you know that they did it for your well being. i know that if i had to make that decision then it would not be an easy one but right now its at a point where me and my mom are constantly fighting and she forgets all that i have done for her but cant understand why i wont allow her into my home, or why i am close to my MIL, or why anything i do. if i am busy at home she claims its cause i dont love her but yet i do. otherwise i wouldnt be doing all i am doing now. Rick, it is extremely hard for me to see others who are close to their moms cause i cant be close with my mom. its not that i dont want to but she doesnt seem to get that things are better the way the are and cant be the way t hey should. Yes my mom should be allowed at our house but she did steal my hubbys car(at this time we were just dating) and left a crackpipe in his car. had he not found that and gotten pulled over by the cops he would  have went to jail. We tried to give her a second chance and she just stole hubbys alcohol and gotten drunk at our house, snuck alcohol into a cup and was drinking while i was driving, hell she even snuck a beer bottle in my car while i was driving. It has always been about her but never about how her actions have affected me and it is still this way today. i dont know if i have the strength to cut my mom out of my life and if i did then i know in my heart she would kill herself and i would be to blame. even if it wasnt by her own hand, and by her actions that killed her. I still pray that i would wake up and be from a different family. i do sometimes wonder if it is my fault that my mom is the way she is and wonder if i am being a good enough daughter.

timeless said...
Hey worriedgirl , My point was not to make you feel bad for posting and should have been in a new thread actually . I'm sorry I created that thought in your head and I will try in the future to clarify my thoughts before posting , It was in reference to " Lying Alcoholics " that was posted earlier and was nothing more than a veiled attempt to address that issue in the mix of things . Your way of dealing with your mom is a individually chosen path and only you know in your heart if you can continue the path , Snakes or not its always best to carry a stick and prod the path when you see areas of questionable footing . Your thoughts are valid and you are handling the situation as best you know how but as you know if her behavior persist you will have to make a hurtful decision to save yourself and your and not risk further damage to your family . My mother and father made the decision when they had my oldest brother to cut my grandpa loose (On my moms side) due to his alcohol abuse and his mental/verbal abuse on her and her siblings . I am the middle of three sons , I saw my papa around 5 times total before he past in his late 60s all times at a early age and didn't attend his wake or burial services when I was in my late 20s or so , It's kinda hard to be connected to someone you don't know . My parents isolated us boys to shield us from the rough world of are kin on all sides . I and my brothers remained numb to our relatives for along time and my oldest brother has grown regretfully distant to our parents myself and little brother . Decisions/choices are like " pet " snakes who turn on there " owners ". There is no such thing as a pet snake because in the end it will behave as a snake and capable of eating its own to survive , I love my parents deeply but it still pains me to know I was cheated the ability to know my papa and others and make a educated choice with my parents supervision . I have heard so many takes on who and what was the man I called papa but have to rely only on that knowledge . No easy answer for those kind of choices I guess . Yes my parents acted on a sense of danger to there children but what of the implications as a result to that choice . I see both sides of the issue in my own perspective and I wish your choices to be less complicated and impacting . I'm only Rick not a infallible god and I am experiencing growth in my life as you are , My sincerest apologies for any misconceptions and I respectfully stand corrected for my knee jerk response to you or any others whom see this . Worriedgirl you have come to be someone I have built my thoughts around as I feel we understand each other . My situation isn't very different just circumstances . Peace and my deepest apology .

i appreciate all your words. you guys really do make me feel better. and no one tries to make me feel bad about how i feel either. its nice to have someone to talk with and who cares

worried girl i know exactly how you feel because i am in the same position. I am watching my mother die slowly in front of me. i just lost my gran adn i know i have to prepare for the future. i have lost count how many times i have tried to listen out for the signs of drinking, watching her if she lets her guard down. i have also lost count of how many times i have raised my hopes, when she calls and she sounds sober, when she actually listens toyou, i raise my hopes and pray for a relationship that is not going to happen. Then it as if i am mourning again, if i speak to her and she is rushing me off the phone, not listening to what i am saying, it is as if she could record what she is saying and that tape is playing over again. i hate the alcohol and what it has done to her. i have been to alanon to see if i can make sense of things, i am struggling with it, but i go. my mum is miserable, hates herself, has no confidence, and she drinks to blank everything out.i used to think, if she cared she would not drink. i know now that is not the case. she does love me and my children, but cannot fight it as she won't admit it. i am struggling now to deal with this so called rejection. but no matter what i think or do, it is all down to her. i do hope your mum is not drinking again, and i share your pain. try and not let it take over