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Posted 11/17/2009 2:30 AM (GMT 0)
I just need to vent a minute!   I hate alchahol, I hate this disease-- I hate all of it... !

My husband almost had 60 days of sobriaty, and he fell off the wagon, he has been drinking every day for 7 days and refuses to take his meds, he says they make him worse, which we all know is not true.. !

He was just starting to look good, his skin color was coming back and the yellow in his eyes was just about gone.. now all that hard work and time that his liver was healing is gone!!!!!!!!!!!    I just hate it all, it is so frustrating, and so upseting.... ! again I am at the point where I just dont know what to do--!

Posted 11/17/2009 4:13 AM (GMT 0)

Don'tknow, I'm so sorry.  What caused him to start drinking again?  Was he going to meetings and stopped or started going less often?  If he was in AA and working the steps, sometimes a "slip" is to avoid going onto the next step...usually the 4th step.  Was he under some unusual pressure? 

I know the frustration and anger you are feeling.  I've been through it with boyfriends and a husband.  Just when you start letting your guard down and think you can trust him--boom!  He drinks again and you're back on the merry-go-round.  Every time it happens it erodes trust just a little more.  All I can suggest is that you encourage him to stop NOW....to go to AA or detox or whatever he needs to do to save his life.  He has to know the reality, which is that it's now a matter of life and death and that he needs to be willing to go to any length for his sobriety.  And yes, that means some uncomfortable feelings and moments, but every time an alcoholic can get through them without alcohol, he becomes a little stronger and a little more able to face them well next time.

You also need to decide at this point how much you are willing to take and how long you will hang in there.  And I know you hate the disease and him right now for putting you in that position.

My thoughts are with you.

Hugs,

Connie

Posted 11/17/2009 4:38 AM (GMT 0)
Connie,

I dont know what caused him to start up again, getting him to talk to me about his feelings, is like breaking his leg off... he has so many things that he has issues about and turns to drinking for, and bottles everything up inside him--- He is an only child, his mom passed away from cancer 5 years ago at 58, his father is a severe alcholic that only makes things worse... he grew up watching his dad beat the crap out of his mother daily, until she finally got the strength to divorce him when my husband was 12... As far as AA, he was not going, he does not believe in it (this is an alcholic talking) He was in AA once and went through all the steps, and accually did very well in his class, stayed sober for 30 days and that was it--! He says it is a joke and that people are just there because they have to be, and it upset him that durning the breaks people would go in the alley in smoke pot.. and then go back into the meetings... so he said he will never go to that again... (this was before our relationship started)...

 

He claims the medicine makes him feel worse, I know the nadol will cause drowsiness but that is all that I can see for side affects... He has started to itch all over due to the high billirubon levels, and the only thing that takes it away according to him is the alchohol he knows the consiquences, so I dont understand why he would start again, he was doing so well.. he had a doctors appointment on the 11th, that he didnt go to.. so basically to me it seems like he is just giving up.. it is not a few beers that he is drinking it is hard liqour and a lot of it---- thank you for letting me get my feelings out, it really helps sometimes--

Posted 11/17/2009 5:11 AM (GMT 0)

Don'tknow, his chances of staying sober for any length of time are not good if he doesn't go to AA.  If he didn't like that particular meeting, he can look for another at another location.  Some people are there because they are court-ordered due to DUIs.  But heck, everyone is there because they have to be to save their lives.  It's not like they have nothing more interesting to do.  He may have had feelings coming up that were painful and he didn't know how to deal with them except to drink.

Yes, I know there are a few people in AA who smoke grass.  And some are still drinking when they say they're not.  But I was told from the beginning to "stick with the winners"--the people who have long-term sobriety and those who touch you and make sense when they speak.  The ones who seem very serious about trying to stay sober and are succeeding.

He basically is making excuses.  He needs to understand that his life is at stake--or doesn't he give a s---?  Ask him that.  If he doesn't care, then you are wasting your time.   shakehead

Hugs,

Connie

Posted 11/17/2009 5:24 AM (GMT 0)
shakehead   shakehead shakehead shakehead shakehead

I serioulsy think he just doesnt give a crap -- I have asked him, and his response is everyone dies from something.... the 50 some days he was sober, it was so nice.. we would talk and he even said to me "now that my mind is clear, I realize how unclear it was before"... I can not drag him to meeting or stuff his pills down his throat, so all that is left is to watch im self destruct, because walking away from him is not an option, as I stated in my other post, I know I could not walk away and live with that desicion, because if he drinks he will die and it will just be a matter of time now---

I cant imagine that a person with liver failure and liver disease, once it got to the point of acites and jaundice, will survive long continuing to hurt thier liver?   What do you think are we down to months ?  please just let me know your honost opinion...

A friend of mines father had this, and he was in the hosptial with the same things that my husband was.. he got out and still drank and was gone within 3 months....

Posted 11/17/2009 8:57 AM (GMT 0)
thats the thing about the condition,every case has similarities but know one really knows. two and a half years ago, my mum was told she only had 16 percent of her liver functioning, the doctors were very clear, if she continue to drink she will be dead in three months.
she drinks a lot, she has added seizuires, strokes (lost the use of her hand), ascites, osteoporosis, cataracts, cdif amongst other falls and complications of liver disease. she is still here, been in the hospital many times.
he is making excuses, he could be here for a long time, especially if he stops. at least he had 60 days of being sober and of his own free will. that is something, that tells you he can do it again, my mum has never sayed off the drink for any amount of time.
he has it in him to stop, but unfortunately the decision is up to him, you decide yourself what you can put up with, you have yourself to think of too. my thoughts are with you
Posted 11/17/2009 9:11 AM (GMT 0)

Thank you Allie, 

Its just a horrible thing to be around, bottom line!......  I guess time will tell, I am just going to tell him my opinion on everything one more time, and hope that he listens and understands... I might try some tough love as well, he needs to know that this can not be tollerated --- will let you all know how my talk with him turns out!  Thanks to everyone... this Forum is the best to let your feelings out----- thanks again to everyone god bless all that are going through this.. idea

Posted 11/17/2009 3:39 PM (GMT 0)

Dontknow, Allie is right.  It's such an individual disease that nobody really can predict how long someone will be around.  What we know for sure is that if liver patients continue to drink, they are hastening their demise  Like Allie's mom, more things will start going wrong.

Just be sure he is reasonably sober when you talk to him.  Otherwise, he won't really comprehend what you are saying or won't remember it, and it could just lead to a big fight.  Be very firm, but not confrontational, as that will put him on the defensive.

Hugs,

Connie

Posted 11/20/2009 6:00 AM (GMT 0)

sorry for the late reply, my computer at home is a piece!  ha ha and  I had a couple of days off of work.

Welll I did have a nice sit down with my husband (while he was sober).. It was mostly me crying and begging him to stop drinking.. He stopped drinking but I think it is only because he got sick again, I knew it would catch up to him... he has been vomiting for two days straight, and is looking kind of yellowish again, more yellowish anyway.. he has had several bloody noses and has a general feeling of sickness.... today before I came to work it looked like he was short of breath, but I cant see any acites or adema coming back right now, he has taken his meds for the last two days... so we are two days sober again... cross your fingers..... thanks again guys!

Posted 11/20/2009 4:55 PM (GMT 0)

Here's hoping, DK!

Hugs,

Connie

Posted 11/22/2009 4:28 AM (GMT 0)
turn  till taking meds and still sober!  tongue
Posted 11/22/2009 4:49 AM (GMT 0)

Praise God, DK!  Now, his biggest challenge is looming:  THE HOLIDAYS!  I was very active in AA at the time, but my first Christmas was hairy.  In fact, I didn't really feel comfortable during the holidays for over 3 yrs.  The booze is flowing everywhere you look and go.  Ads for liquor seem to be everywhere.  And parties!  I coped by staying really close to AA and my sober friends, but was really relieved when the holidays were over.  After the first few years, I could really enjoy the holidays.  But be aware that this is going to be very hard for him and he will be facing tempation everywhere he turns.  He needs to have substitutes, learn to say "no thanks," and stay away from places he knows that alcohol will be served and people will be drinking.

Big hugs,

Connie


Posted 11/23/2009 7:07 AM (GMT 0)
dear hep93.... urs is a tough situation... I have never been one to tell a man ... when to drink or when not to drink... I'm not a baby sitter... but then I don't drink and had never been around it much until this one... I was in over my head... even ALAnon did not help... but finally I did tell him that one more binge and I didn't care how sick he was... I was not going to watch him commit suicide with what was left of his life.... he can only tolerate one can or 1/2 can... but he no longer binges.... will he ever quit??? probably not... is he risking liver failure each time?? yep... but he's not falling down stairs and stuff like that... it's a slower suicide I guess.... but the outrageous drinking has ended... actually he has not had a can in 2 months but if he wanted he couldn't tolerate it... I will be here for him through the journey we travel... from now until then.... he made his choice a long time ago... outside of a miracle... he will not be alive next year this time... or maybe even sooner much sooner than that..... until then I will pray.... and hold his hand... knowing I can't do much more than that...
Posted 11/23/2009 7:19 AM (GMT 0)

Thank you  so much arneeb! 

I feel like such an outsider sometimes or just ingnorant for staying with an alcholic--- people that have never been is the situation or something similar, are so easy to say -- "leave him, let him die, who cares!"  It is even hard for my family to understand me most of the time. .. your post comforted me in knowing that you are doing as I am .. praying and holding his hand while he goes through this horrible thing!

Good luck to you and I will pray for you also... take care and god bless!

Posted 11/23/2009 7:41 AM (GMT 0)
Truth be told what are the "cure" statistics for AA?? don't get me wrong.... I think it's great people are helped... and I prefer faith based recovery programs... but the reality is that a good percentage don't quit.... and boy that leaves many people out there going through this alone.. because family has left them a long time ago... and probably for very good reasons.... but that still leaves people out there facing this alone....
I told Mike the day I fell in love that I would love him not until the day he last drew his breath but the day that I drew my last breath... I believe God brough us together so that I could be with him through this time... He was sober when we met... but his brother died from this disease and ironically that set Mike off and soon he was having the TIPs procedure ... three years ago.... I prayed three years ago for one more year... I think I've had three extensions of that time... I feel selfish... I want him here for me... his voice touches my heart... nothing is too hard as long as I hear his voice... and so we journey together and yes he is sober... now... . tomorrow... liver specialist to get the scoop on mass in the liver... talking biopsy.... the words swirl around me... and Mike smiles at me... and I realize how fortunate I am to be blessed with loving him... and we go forward into this black hole... knowing eventually this journey will end here but what a blessing to love as we have loved... to experience this just once in my life... is worth all that we endure... we are so blessed to have each other... the rest just doesn't matter... God will guide the way... and ease the path... each day we put ourselves in his hands... we know the time will come.... but thank ful for this moment this time of stability... for it is an illusion and will pass as... the journey nears it end... but I will always be thankful... for Mike's presence in my life... the time we spent together...I am so blessed to have him... he so touches my life...
Posted 11/23/2009 7:46 AM (GMT 0)
beautifully spoken, I am touched...
Posted 11/23/2009 8:40 PM (GMT 0)
Arneeb, I admire your loyalty and the depth of your love.

I don't have exact statistics on AA, but I do know that it works more often than not--though we alcoholics are never "cured," but given a reprieve, one day at a time.

My prayers are with you both regarding the mass.

Hugs,

Connie

Posted 11/24/2009 5:24 AM (GMT 0)
Please don't think I'm anti AA... but so many just don't go... and when people just give up on them what do they have??? so I think we need to develop other alternatives... half way steps... get them to quit binging... then cut down... eventually with Mike ... his appetite did it... and I think he knows now... and is taking it seriously... although of course, too late... what Mike does have going for him is that he is in tune with his body and eats healthy meals and small amounts... I think that's why he has been stabilized.. of course, that may be my imagination...
Mike has had Hep C for 20 + years... he was sober, working construction work... and doing fine... at least when I met him.... then one day... we got the call that his brother Steve was in the hospital down in St. Paul, MN on his death bed due to tumors in the liver... he also had Hep C and Cirrhosis.... we made a frantic trip to the Twin Cities, stopped to pick up a sister and 2 nephews..... and that's the first time, only time, I met Steve....
there he lay... tubes everywhere.... barely breathing... unconscious.... vitals barely hanging in there then Mike went over and touched his brother's hand and he said "it's ok, I'm here". Steve's vitals leaped.... his breathing increased.... his pulse went to normal.... and our hopes soars as an Eagle with wings.... we knew he was going to rally... we just knew.... over the hours from then... Steve's vitals continually dropped.... when Mike and his sister spoke to Steve his vitals responded... when the family left the room .... I prayed the Lord's prayer with Steve, the 21stPsalm, sang Amazing Grace, and told him about Mike and I..... then eventually told him the priest would be coming....
Posted 11/24/2009 5:31 AM (GMT 0)
sorry so long.... the priest came at 1:30 p.m..... Steve passed at 1:45 p.m.... he waitd for the last rites.... I helped the family get the finances together to fly Steve back to Utah to be with the rest of the family.... then............. watched Mike lose it completely... his sobriety.... his life.... he could not handle this loss.... and within three months of starting the hard core drinking Mike had his first TIPs operation after vomiting blood......... I have watched Mike stand on the edge of a chair........ with a noose around his neck.... high on vodka........ crying to the God that took his brother to take him also.......... and I have watched as together we slowly brought him back from that edge to deal with his own illness exacerbated by the grief of his brother's death... as I stood there that day... looking at him... on the edge of that chair... I told him the Devil wants ur soul... ur a Christian... but go ahead... ur going straight to helll..... I know where I'm going... God has me right in the palms of his hands as he does you..... and he snapped laughed at me said u crazy girl.... and began the trek back... to sanity.... ok enough said
sorry... but I truly havent' had anyone or any place to express this... and I do love him so...
Posted 11/24/2009 5:42 AM (GMT 0)
dont be sorry-- post away!

I know sometimes i just sit and right my feeling down, like i am writing a letter to someone  but just throw it away when i am done... it really helps to put your feelings on paper or a computer screen... so post a 10 page letter if you need to.. get it all out... I am there to read it...

Posted 11/24/2009 6:24 AM (GMT 0)
well I work nights.... and have lots of time.... too much time... but have to work nights so I can be there days for his appointments and to care for him... so guess I willl...
Posted 11/24/2009 6:29 AM (GMT 0)
wow, we have a lot in common.. I work nights as well... 7pm to 5am
Posted 11/24/2009 8:24 AM (GMT 0)
uck I work 10 p.m. to 6 a.m. Sat, Sun, Mon, Tues, and Wed
I work in group home for chronically mentally ill... awake overngiht.... have my Master's Degree in Counseling.... will go for the PHD but after all this is over... right now just maintaining to get through this ... whatever it takes... so I caretake at work and home.... and honestly makes it so I don't have enough time to think... which is good...
Posted 11/24/2009 6:56 PM (GMT 0)

It's too bad he didn't get grief counseling when his brother died.  That could have helped him tremendously.  Even though you are a professional, I'm sure you know that it usually takes someone outside the situation to be able to see things objectively and be of real help.  You have and are doing what you can to the best of your ability.  But don't forget to be kind to yourself, as well.

Hugs,

Connie

Posted 11/25/2009 4:07 AM (GMT 0)
thanks for ur support... funny we haven't received a call to set up the biopsy.l.. gonna have to get on them tomorrow... I didn't want to go until next week anyways.. we just want to have Thanksgiving... he's stabilized... doing pretty well... eating ... alert... I'm thankful...this is not always the case... so Happy Thanksgiving to u all... I'm thankful for all we have been given this day... and thankful for all of u.. God Bless .... Sandi AB
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