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Posted 1/30/2011 11:06 PM (GMT 0)
I get that Hepatic Encelopathy is awful.

I get that becoming less than the man you used to be is awful.

I get needing lots of care and stuff is awful.

And I even get that the doc saying he can't drive anymore, it isn't safe and that is the worst news of all.  Worse than that he has a terminal illness bar transplantation. Not driving is the worst of the worst of the worst.

I  U N D E R S T A N D it is awful for him.

So, now, why, tonight, must he make World War III out of wanting to drive himself to the movies.  HIMSELF. It's not far. I am glad to drive him, come to the movies as well, maybe see a film less scarey/less violent, but NO he wants to take the car and drive to the movies.  At night. Alone.

We are in a life and death snit over this.  Why oh why am I the bad guy here?  The doc was clear, it is in the medical records...no driving and if he drives and crashes and hurts someone, the insurance won't cover.

I guess the HE is bad enough tonight to think that going to the mat over a gosh d...(self edit by author) movie is worth the fight.

Mama Lama has her fur in a snit tonight.

If this was one of the kids, back in their teen days, I'd be on my broom!   

Now I just feel guilty and overwrought.

GRRRRRR.

 

Posted 1/31/2011 12:05 AM (GMT 0)
Hang tough in there MamaLama. I will be thinking of you.

Emma
Posted 1/31/2011 12:17 AM (GMT 0)

"The doc was clear, it is in the medical records..."

I assume you told him this.  If he wants to have a tantrum over this, let him.  Just don't get caught up in it.  Kind of hard to fight when the opponent won't engage.  And maybe up the Lactulose.

I know it's no fun being you right now.  Hang in there!

Hugs,

Connie

Posted 1/31/2011 1:25 AM (GMT 0)
Mama Lama,

We went through this. And no, it was NOT fun!! But, and I know it does not seem possible, eventually he will "get" it. Right now, he is a man that is feeling like the very last of his rights has been taken away. Yet one more thing that has stripped him of his dignity, so he feels like he has to try to assert authority, like a child. You dig your heels in, hide the car keys, etc. Eventually he will get it.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Vent all you want! It is hard, and knowing all of that does not make it any easier. My hubby finally did accept the fact that he cannot drive. Somehow, and I cannot remember how, it was brought up in a conversation in the doctor's office and I was not the instigator of the conversation, but after the doctor had a face to face conversation with him, he finally got it.

You hang in there! I can tell you that it will get better, although it does not seem like it right now!

Take care of you!
Mer
Posted 1/31/2011 1:36 AM (GMT 0)
I agree.... he cant start a battle if there is no opponent. That was very difficult for Doug too, it took a bit for him to realise it was for his and others safety...... and I sold his car.......but replace it later with something more appropriate for trips to the city. I am sorry you are going through this though, I hope it gets better for him to understand.
Sue
Posted 1/31/2011 2:11 AM (GMT 0)
I posted my thought. Time went by. He suggested we find a movie we could both enjoy. I said I'd be glad to drive him anywhere he wanted but had turned down an invitation to go to a neighborhood partyhe had not wanted to attend. He let me drive him. I went and socialized a while with some nice folks. And I'll pick him up. I think writing my frustration and saying nothing was good. I'm glad no one had to run away from home (thinking back to teenage nonsense!) over this.

Thanks for all your thoughts

I have sold the second car and promised a nice one for after....
Posted 1/31/2011 4:20 AM (GMT 0)
It's rather funny to me, as I've never driven (grew up in Manhattan and nobody drives there... I left at 33.)  You don't miss something you've never done.  Since my hip replacements, I take the door-to-door van service that our local transportation service provides.

Glad it worked out, ML.

Hugs,

Connie

Posted 1/31/2011 5:23 AM (GMT 0)
Fortunately Mike didn't. Drive so we didn't go through this about driving...however there were manny other issues ...and stubborness....its not easy....my thoughts are with you. Sandi
Posted 1/31/2011 3:05 PM (GMT 0)
Before doc said he couldn't drive,  I flat out refused to ride with him and got myself to places by getting a ride or driving myself.

It wasn't safe.

That made him as angry as not being able to drive.

Not that he is a bad driver, he has always been a great driver. But he would get mad and SHOW people things...like that they should have stopped at the stop sign and not rolled through -- he'd proceed into the intersection making the choice inevitable that there'd be an accident OR the other guy would wait his turn...

Scarey.

Sure, some folks are idiots...but being DEAD right, didn't seem like a good choice. That and my car is pretty new and I'd hate to have it all wrecked. And I'm on the Tbone side of the thing if I am the passenger.

Now that I think back, I think this HE has been going on longer than I've known the name for it.

ML

 

Posted 1/31/2011 9:11 PM (GMT 0)
Oh ML.... you put the meaning into DEAD right...and you are so right ... I think there were many episodes of HE that I just chalked up to Mike being silly...hang in there ...Sandi
Posted 2/1/2011 3:46 AM (GMT 0)
When it came time to my husband not driving anymore.......I really don't remember if he, I or the doc came to the decision for him to not drive........But I do remember after he had already stopped driving, a notice came from DMV stating that his license was suspended he got really upset. He got into his beloved truck and took it for a spin around the block by acting the fool and burning rubber all the way down our street. I hid the keys to his truck after that stunt.

Mary, call the doctor when your husband is not around.........let him know your concerns......hopefully he will talk to your husband and get it resolved. Here in CA I believe the doctors are legally bound to notify DMV if they feel their patient can not safely drive any longer.

Take care........thoughts and prayers.......
Posted 2/1/2011 4:20 AM (GMT 0)
Thx to all for your support.

It worked out okay Sunday evening. He went, I ferried him. Fine.

Then today, I had a dr apt myself after his AA meeting. I drive him and pick him up, then we went to doc. He was going to rest in the car while I waited and had my apt. So I come out and the blankety blank car is gone, Mike too.

I was so upset I thought maybe he got tired of waiting and went without me...himself. 15 miles would have beena long walk.

But after a bit of me pacing back and forth he drove into the parking lot. He got gas...I had a half tank still. So he was just being helpful/naughty. Good grief. It goes on.

Get this. He got a new book. It has the steps. He discovered this week there are steps. Oh my.

Have a nice evening folks, or what's left of it.

ML
Posted 2/1/2011 5:45 AM (GMT 0)
Hang in there, ML!! I remember one time, our son was VERY ill and I had to take him to the ER....while I was dealing with all that, hubby wandered off with the car......it was not long after that he was no longer driving. You hang in there!

Mer
Posted 2/1/2011 7:30 PM (GMT 0)

ML, I love that you look at the humorous side.  Hubby probably got 12 Steps & 12 Traditions.  This is a great book, that breaks down the steps.  It's even better used in conjunction with Step Speaker Meetings.  They will usually have one person do a step a week--their interpretation--and then you can go back and look up the step in that book and get a better understanding.  I don't know if he's able to put this together right now, but great that he got the book (and hopefully will read it!)

Did he ever get Alcoholics Anonymous (universally known as The Big Book?)  This is the first book he should read.  He's sure to find someone he relates to in the stories in the back.

He should also get the book of thoughts and meditations, 24 Hours A Day.  These three books are the trilogy on which the program is based.  There are many other books, but these 3 anyone in the program should have.  He can get into a daily routine with them, which can be an anchor for him in all the craziness of the disease of alcoholism and of liver disease and HE.

Hugs,

Connie


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