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Posted 8/20/2012 4:02 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Everyone......

I am new to this and in need of some serious advice. Six months ago while my boyfriend was in Alchohol rehab and he was diagnosed with Cirrhosis or Alchoholics disease. He just recently told me of this diagnosis because I started to put symptoms together and told him he needed to go to the doctor.

He is on bitter terms with his family because he refuses to further treatment for his alchoholism. He feels he is worthless and that he is not a true alchoholic just a binge drinker. I know different. At this point I am one of the few he trusts.

He has not been to the doctor for the cirrhosis at all. He has blood in his urrine and after he goes on a bender his eyes are yellow and bloodshot. I have continously asked him to go to the doctor. He tells me the damage is already done and irriversable. After doing some research on the internet I know that yes the damage is done but the progression can be stopped if caught early enough.

I Really Need Help! I can't sit back and watch this man that everyone loves whether he believes it or not die. His family is not aware of this diagnosis. What do I do??? Do I do what he is going to see as stabbing him in the back and tell his family? Then I will lose his trust???? What do I do???

Help!

Post Edited (dee50158) : 8/19/2012 10:31:59 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 8/20/2012 5:21 AM (GMT 0)
First of all take care of you. Why would you risk breaking his trust by betraying it? He is old enough to make his own decisions about his family. Just because he is an alcoholic doesn't mean he doesn't have the right to make a decision about his healthcare and his family contact. Others may disagree. First of all take care of you. He needs to quit drinking but he has to do it and you can't do it for him. The others will add more information. Sandia
Posted 8/20/2012 7:23 AM (GMT 0)
Sandia.....Sometimes I agree with you but the more I see him going through this I feel like I am helping him committ suicide. I ask myself "what about his children(younger teenagers)?" or "Is he really in the right state of mind to be making these descisions? I am sooo confused......
Posted 8/20/2012 12:48 PM (GMT 0)
Dee,

His family already knows. Maybe not the diagnosis, but they know he has a problem and they can't make the decision for him anymore than you can.

He is committing a slow suicide. Whether you are helping him to do that is something only you know. Was he in rehab voluntarily? If not, there is probably not a lot that you can do for him until his attitude changes.      Mariel52

 

Posted 8/20/2012 12:58 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you for your responses........ Yes he was in rehab voluntary. When he went his attitude was alot different. He wanted to live. Even a couple months after. Now he is back to his old ways, doesn't care, etc. I know his family has talked about comitting him involuntary but I know I just don't think he knows or wants to face the seriousness of the situation.
Posted 8/20/2012 3:43 PM (GMT 0)
Hello Dee and Welcome,
You have found a great place here at HealingWell.There are many here and much information to help you along this difficult time.I am sorry you,his children ,his family have to deal with all that comes with this disease.I am sorry for him too.My brother was diagnosed with Hep.C in 09 and Endstage Cirrhosis in Nov.2011.
I have done so much to push,pull,and drive him to Dr.'s,line up meetings,make appt's,call treatment centers for possible long term treatment,and even talk to interventionists ,read all about his diagnosis and share it with him,print it so he could read it when I knew he would comprehend all that was ahead of him.All of which was to no avail.This last time he asked me to carry him to detox I was truely hoping he was serious about his sobriety.
His sobriety lasted 6 days.And everything has gotten worse.His health and now he is facing losing custody of his 7 year old son that I take care of.No matter what I or his son did,said or tried could stop him from his drink.I too don't want to as you said,
" I Really Need Help!" I can't sit back and watch this man that everyone loves whether he believes it or not die".
But after all I have done,wanted to believe,and watching the heart break in his sons face and hearing his son cry for his Dad,I know that there is nothing I can do unless my brother is willing to commit to no more drinking and getting help he needs to stay sober and healthy.I can beg ,plead,cry,call places,or just talk to him until I am blue in the face but nothing will matter if he is not willing to do for himself.He has a son and family that loves him very much too but he choses to drink anyway.His liver is shot was his exact words.
You can't let this pull you down.Read the information here,read the posts,continue to come here and vent on the caregivers page.It has helped me much.Shoot,my brother even sat down and made a post ONCE.I thought by putting good people in his everyday life would keep him on track but it did not.
Take care of yourself first and foremost.I became physically and mentally exausted trying to do for someone what they weren't willing to do for themself.You can find great advice here and great people that can tell you what they have gone through and had to do in order to have a life.
Love and Prayers,
Alisa
Posted 8/20/2012 3:52 PM (GMT 0)
Fear would likely describe what he's going through , He may have sampled just enough of the sober life to realize there are enormous changes to be made . Change is difficult for sober folks but those suffering with addiction it monumental , Dealing with reality is something we can't conceive . This statement is particularly true for long time hardcore drunks ( Like myself ) . Our addiction dulls our ability to see the pain we cause ourselves and others .

He likely sees the damage he's doing but doesn't have to deal with it as intensely as you . Alcohol or drugs inadvertently becomes needed to maintain that level of " don't give a crap " attitude . Next is you have to have your drug of choice just to maintain your perceived sanity , Without it you are exposed more so now than ever . Your hooked , No imaginable solution is within reach . Damage is fully done , Maybe years of pissing people off have came and gone . Walking on others and family have taken it's toll and the friend list consist of a handful of other drunks that can tolerate you . What then ?

Never underestimate the ability of a drunk to size up a situation , I personally believe most of us are conscious of what we do . You have to have a desire to overcome that initial fear of whats beyond addiction , It may take many failures for some to get beyond that hump . Some will never make it . Loved ones are not in charge of gaining sobriety or attempting to achieve it , That lays in the hands of the addict .

What do you do ? Is there anything you can ? You can be there when they decide to " get it right " . But anything beyond that is a waste of your efforts . You give them the shovel to dig themselves outta that hole and nothing more . Just my 2 cents .



A. Ziffle
Posted 8/20/2012 4:06 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you..... This isn't really what I wanted to hear but it's the honest truth. I think I was expecting a miracle solution. I just hope he atleast tells his family. I know it's his decision...I just don't think he is being fair to them.

He is the type of person that when you sit down next to him, within minutes you will be smiling and laughing your butt off. He is just extremely contagious, big hearted and loving. He just doesn't see it.

He honestly feels his children will be better off without him. Then when I see them together I see two children who love their dad no matter what. I have tried telling him different and even reminding him how it felt when he lost his mother at a young age.

What do I tell them when they are talking about his yellow eyes? or as it progresses the other visible side efects....I just don't think it is going to be possible for him to keep this quiet.
Posted 8/20/2012 4:10 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you Ziffle..... Definitly a harsh reality...
Posted 8/20/2012 6:21 PM (GMT 0)
No there is no magic wand for either of you , In a ideal world he would see what this disease is doing and snap out of it . Don't get me wrong some do just that , but it's far from the norm as far as I see it . Deep bottom or shallow bottom is often what it takes to jar something loose in our heads .

Liver disease has a way of knocking the fire out of a alcoholic inferno ( Or it did for me ) , Truth is if he doesn't quit voluntarily he will quit in a ICU unit . Things may take awhile before he deteriorates and if that be the case it may be a window of opportunity to get healthy & sober . I didn't think for a second I would be alive and considerably well 4 years ago , I was told I would be dead in three months or less , Few people survive going as far as I did and make it back . Nothing exceptional about me , I am a average drunk . I hit my bottom in a ICU with liver and kidney failure and struggled for over a year with numerous health complications all the way before things even began to look good .

I quit drinking and drugging because I wanted to live ( Besides it doesn't take me gitten bitten twice to leave a bad dog alone ) . I had enough and the sickness was the nudging I needed to quit . You yourself have to read these post in detail often to fully digest what is being said . Doom and gloom seems the norm but if you are willing to look at the post here as a glimmer of hope , read between the lines and place yourself in each persons position . I think you will find there are alot of success stories that are a direct result of the pain and suffering posted here . We learn not only about the medical problems of liver disease but the aftermath the mental toll takes also , This is real side of liver disease , Not a medical term paper you find on google . When you post your question , Your opinion , Your feelings , you touch more souls than the ones who reply . Feel free to post often and welcome to the community .



A. Ziffle
Posted 8/20/2012 6:32 PM (GMT 0)
Very well said and read A.Ziffle.I had to print this off for myself as well as for others.Thank You for sharing this with us.Harsh reality but reality is it!!!
Love and Prayers,
Alisa
Posted 8/20/2012 7:52 PM (GMT 0)
A. Ziffle--When you said " When you post your question , Your opinion , Your feelings , you touch more souls than the ones who reply ."  That is so true, I read every day, feel the pain in other people, learn about what is down the road for us. Thank you   Pat
Posted 8/20/2012 9:01 PM (GMT 0)
God Bless and Thank You to all of you...I will keep posting....
Posted 8/21/2012 7:28 AM (GMT 0)
I wrote that about family because my partner who was sober when he passed... did not want his family to know and requested that they not know. I respected his choice in this matter. Your situation may be different or you see it differently. I can only speak to my experiences. You have your hands full.

Take care of yourself. Be there to help as A. Ziffle well put it.... when he gets it right....

Sandia...

Posted 8/21/2012 2:21 PM (GMT 0)
What scares me is that he is on bitter terms with his family because of the alchoholism..... I know it's not up to me to tell them but, If this does end up being a slow suicide..... I fear he will pass and then there will be lost time with his family that none of them will ever get back. Having something like that hanging over your head after someone has passed isn't good.
Posted 8/21/2012 3:48 PM (GMT 0)
Dee, I feel sure that his family would not be the least bit surprised. And I don't think that his family would open their arms and hearts to him, as you envision it. More like "I told you so" and more animosity. Hopefully, they will show up at the funeral. Right now, I don't think they will feel one bit sorry for him or want to be involved. I've had personal experience with this and also seen it played out in other families. Now, if he had gotten sober and was celebrating his first anniversary of being free from alcohol (and drugs), he might have a better chance of them warming up to him and perhaps visiting. But to notify his family of the current state of affairs...I see no good coming from that. Just my opinion.

Hugs,
Connie
Posted 8/21/2012 3:58 PM (GMT 0)
Dee , Does his parents fully understand what addiction is ? If not have them to consider going to a group that will help them fully understand whats taking place ( Ala-non , I believe is one such group ) . I think loved ones assume the problem is only the responsibility of the alcoholic and " Why should I suffer any further for his stupidity " . Not that I don't see the point in that logic but a problem exist beyond that , One that you just pointed out . There may come a time when making peace is unavailable . I would say do your best to reach out but be prepared to get nowhere or at least be prepared to get smacked in the head with the olive branch you handed them .

The only real way most people and particularly family ( Family and loved ones get crapped on the worst ) will consider a fresh start is for the addict to show they are serious about cleaning up , " Proof is in the pudding " . I would imagine if he tries getting sober and dealing with his health issues it will be with a heavy degree of skepticism , Rightfully so I might add . They probably heard that song and dance before . My parents reacted this way , They saw me from the start of my drinking career that spanned 30 years ( I'm in my 40s ) . They rescued me from jailhouses , Watched me disgracefully curse them , Well ... I'm sure you get the idea .

My parents have had the opportunity to see me change for the better , They stood beside me even after all the bad I done when I stopped drinking . Four years sober and my parents and I speak 2 times a week via the phone , They vacation with us once a year , I have spoken in there church , Safe to say things have mended very well with us . Sad fact is it took getting very sick to do this . Hope that wont be the case with his family .



A. Ziffle
Posted 8/21/2012 4:02 PM (GMT 0)
Ahh ... Connie beat me to it . Oh well we was thinkin pretty close anyhow this time .


A. Ziffle
Posted 8/21/2012 5:23 PM (GMT 0)
You all are wonderful..... Everyones advice is definitly giving me the confidence and strength to stand by him when he needs someone. I am always blunt with him but careful not to nag. One thing I have noticed is that when I am around he only has a cple(We don't live together). Its when I am not around he has his benders. He doesn't hide them from me like he does his family. He knows I don't like him when he is beyond drunk. I have flat out told him that. The one thing I have noticed his family does is that they degrade him and rip him apart and are just plain old nasty about his addiction. In which I can understand them being bitter. They have been dealing with it for 25 years. I want him to trust me and not be afraid to be honest. Thats why I feel he is soo open with me about it. I just need to keep on doin what I am doin and hopefully someday I will be able to hand him that shovel before its too late.
Posted 8/21/2012 6:04 PM (GMT 0)
Ziffle, from my few Al-Anon meetings it seems they focus on the non-alcoholic in a relationship with the alkie. They learn how to "separate with love" even if they are still living under the same roof. The point is to make sure the non-alkie has a life apart from the drama of being with an alkie who is self-destructive and intent on taking you with him. It focuses on building your self-esteem and exchanging feelings and ideas with others who are in the same boat. It wasn't for me, as a recovering alkie...I want no part of being with a practicing alkie.

Hugs,
Connie
Posted 8/22/2012 1:05 AM (GMT 0)
That's why I mentioned it to her Connie . It would appear she is content to some degree with his current situation . It's slowly sinking in that most ( Not all ) caregivers who are emotionally involved wit a addict / Liver disease patient will find it difficult to leave or set proper boundaries . Just a observation from being here through the years , I'm still unsure what that's all about even though it pertained to my own relationship with my then fiancee . She rationalized my drinking & drugging at the time . That is until I got sick , That pretty much ended all rationalization for her . I could go it alone and struggle or fight this with her by my side , There would be no in between .

If it was just scaring me it seemed to work . I digress . Oh well to each his own I suppose . Back to ESLD I guess , for now anyways .
smilewinkgrin


A. Ziffle
Posted 8/22/2012 1:47 AM (GMT 0)
True, Ziffle. And if the alkie gets sober, the family dynamic changes. No longer the caregiver, the non-alkie has to redefine her/his role in the relationship.

Hugs,
Connie
Posted 8/22/2012 1:51 AM (GMT 0)
I don't know if I want to say I am content with the situation.......I am more frustrated and scared, confused.... I want to make doctors appointments, tell his family about the cirrhosis, I want to beg him to quitt drinking(which I have done). The one thing that keeps popping up is this is something he has to do on his own. I always have been blunt with him on how I feel about his drinking. I am just careful about not crossing the line and turn into a nag. Does nagging him about it really do any good? I have found with him atleast I get further by giving him someone to confide in that won't judge him, someone that will tell him how it is without degrading him. I just see how his family talks to him and what it does to him.

Honestly everyday my opinion of what to do or how to handle things changes. Something will happen that will make me question what I am doing. The one thing I do know.... I am here for him through thick or thin. I am not going to give up on him.
Posted 8/22/2012 3:32 AM (GMT 0)
Dee , I'm not saying your right or wrong in your decision(s) you are or will make . I have gone about for awhile on this subject of what could be considered as a enabler , It's a touchy subject for obvious reasons . Please understand that openly discussing this issue isn't a shot at your character , It's just something that seems to appear in these situations .

Judging doesn't need to be done by myself or any other individual in this forum . Family and loved ones quite often seem to unexpectedly take care of that usually by their own words . We are left to make the observations . You can't change his situation but you can change yours . Sometimes it takes putting your foot down firmly to avoid future problems .


A. Ziffle
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