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i think my mom hates me

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Posted 8/30/2009 3:06 PM (GMT 0)
worriedgirl, please try to make time for you and your own family on a regular basis. Even if it means that you rent a movie and make popcorn, and stay at home with the phone off the hook. Those nights can be so rewarding and refreshing that you will look forward to them as will your family. In the meantime I think that you have to stop focusing on what others have done or not done. That is on them and not you. You have done everything possible to help your mom. Your concience is clear. In life, we can only be responsible for our own actions and not the actions or inaction of others. That puts the burden on them and not on you. Sometimes those of us in the caretaker role develope a kind of need to fix everything for everybody. This is an unrealistic expectation we put on ourselves. YOU have to be more realistic about the situation with your mom and decide that you can't fix everything. I know because a I have done the same thing as you. Assumed all the responsibilities ans suffered for it. There is only so much that can be done and thats that. Try to change your attitude a little about what you can and can't do. Accept it and move on. I'm not trying to preach to you but just let you know what your limitations are. Otherwise you will drive yourself into an early grave.
Posted 8/31/2009 4:12 AM (GMT 0)

Worried Girl, I am worried about YOU.  I believe you have reached the point where it is very detrimental to your well being and that of your own family for you to be around your mom much.  You do not deserve the treatment she has been giving you.  I know you have tried to hang in there, regardless, but it is really affecting you in a negative way.  I believe you should limit your time with her to a minimum.  Do not go more than a couple of times a week.  Also, do not allow yourself to get caught up in her rants!!!  Just turn and walk out the door.  Do you recognize that you are caught up in an abusive relationship, with her being the abuser and you continually going back for more?  You get fed up, but then she will apologize and you hope things will be different, so you go back to her and get more of the same.  She is manipulating you.

I believe she hates herself and the disease of alcoholism, not you.  However, I also believe she is incapable of loving you or anyone else.  Alcoholism does that to people over the long term.  I've told you about my own mother and how I reached the point that I absolutely refused to allow her to hurt me again or hurt my child and grandchildren.  The only way to do that was to totally cut off communication and contact with her.  My sister did the same eventually.  My mother did die alone, with nobody knowing about it for several years.  But I have to say, I felt absolutely nothing when I learned of her death...except surprise that she had lived so long (82.)  My grandparents and aunt essentially raised me.   When I was about 9 mos. into AA, I was able to forgive her...not for what she had done or how she had treated me, but for not being the parent I wanted her to be, and I accepted that she was a very sick woman who was incapable of loving or parenting.  Sometimes we have to learn to parent ourselves and give ourselves the love and compassion that our parent is incapable of giving us.  We can also find alternative parent figures...people to look up to and model ourselves after.  I feel sadness for what never was, but I no longer hate my mother.  She simply was so attached to the bottle that she was unable to love anyone.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.  Please take care of YOU!

Hugs,

Connie


Posted 8/31/2009 1:06 PM (GMT 0)

1Shelly1 said...

worriedgirl, please try to make time for you and your own family on a regular basis. Even if it means that you rent a movie and make popcorn, and stay at home with the phone off the hook. Those nights can be so rewarding and refreshing that you will look forward to them as will your family. In the meantime I think that you have to stop focusing on what others have done or not done. That is on them and not you. You have done everything possible to help your mom. Your concience is clear. In life, we can only be responsible for our own actions and not the actions or inaction of others. That puts the burden on them and not on you. Sometimes those of us in the caretaker role develope a kind of need to fix everything for everybody. This is an unrealistic expectation we put on ourselves. YOU have to be more realistic about the situation with your mom and decide that you can't fix everything. I know because a I have done the same thing as you. Assumed all the responsibilities ans suffered for it. There is only so much that can be done and thats that. Try to change your attitude a little about what you can and can't do. Accept it and move on. I'm not trying to preach to you but just let you know what your limitations are. Otherwise you will drive yourself into an early grave.

thanks shelly i appreciate everything you have said. you are right i can only do what i can do and nothing else. at least things are back to normal or semi normal now.  i had a good weekend and hope to have a good week
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