On the other side of "no treatment"

Thank you... I'm doing better... I could never imagine life without Mike.. and even now I'm in a daze but moving slowly forward... things that no one talks about.. and I'm doing it alone... taking care of his things and his ashes.... and then I have to go pick up his personal items from the funeral home...today at 1 p.m. and the urn jewlery came today.. so it goes.. but we'll get through it.. one day at a time... I'm in shock over his last moments and thinking of things I could have done differently... and blaming myself for the times when.. we were angry at each other... and when we withdrew.. even though in the last few months we drew together... it's a roller coaster.. a big one.. but doing all right.. and God is guiding me.. Sandi

Sandi, I was reading your post about calling mike. I took a few weeks before I stopped calling Dougs phone to hear his voice, all it said was to leave a message. I bought him night shirts as they were better for him and I still wear them a year later. I used to pile pillows up on his side of the bed so it felt like he was there. It is a process so different for everyone but we get through it, I figure if we are strong enough to ride the ESLD roller coaster we can get through anything. I think we prepare for some many things except one. I found I was so busy taking care of Doug that I didnt realize how I would feel when suddenly he was gone.... not only him gone but the nothingness that came with it!

Sue

well I don't know if I mentioned this here but the nutrionist at the Mayo Clinic had recommended Ensure as a nutriotional supplement for many reasons  for Mike back in January when we were there...and this was agreed upon by the Cancer specialist at the May Clinic.... so the local hepatologist had prescribed it as needed... for a number of reasons... Mike was unable to eat much solid food and also had gum issues and acid reflux... that caused much dietary problems.. anyways  the pharmacy gave us a large supply of it... and Mike used it... and it really helped his quality of life... I saw a difference in his energy level immediately... anyways... State of MN then turned around and denied this back the end of January... so I've been fighting the dr's... pharmacy... nutritionist to get it "coded right" so Mike could have it... well that was the reason the State gave was it was "coded wrong".... so after all that and many many many turn downs by the pharmacy... I kept telling Mike who was scared to death cuz this was his only nutrition there at the end .. I kept telling him.. don't worry I'll take care of this...I had do go through two appeals with the State of MN and both of these after Mikes' death... finally I said to one judge... if u don't think this was "necessary" and it was his only "treatment" and he's dead now... don't you think maybe this helped while he was alive... see the pharmacy was going to lose $400 dollars and they were ready to eat the cost of what they had given us.. but I was not going to let the only people who helped Mike get stuck with that bill.. so I kept after it... so now... came the letter that it was approved and of course the end date was April 22, 2010... no duh State of MN read the grave marker... anyways.. one hollow victory won... Sandi

Sandi - Thanks for your post on the thread about my mom. Your journey was helpful to me to understand what is in store in the near future for my family. I am so sorry for your loss. Mike was very lucky to have such a devoted and wonderful lady at his side to the end. You are a wonderful person and deserve peace and happiness. May God heal your heart.

God bless,

KathleenW

I have omitted nothing...it speaks for itself..

Thank you.....your words are so very kind tonight....take each step one at a time ..center yourself.....itt's a tough path...those words were written to help me on the journey as Mike struggled for life and I struggled to live work and care for him....!this forum was and is a godsend to me...and so as we cintinue on we should give back a. Portion of the kindness that was given here to us........yes laughter is great medicine.......thanks for your kind thoughts sandi

Emma thank you for your kind words....it was traumatic to repost and relive...I have to believe there was a reason and if in sharing we help others understand or give support then that is what the giving is for....my daughter is not doing well..her life has been greatly affected...im sure with time this will work out...she is my right hand and a blessing come so unexpectedly to our lives...she was a late baby...late in my life...evdryones path is different yet we share a common bond and together we can share the good the bad and thee ugly ...somehow here...we can share the unthinkable..the unspeakable...and face it within the company of people who do care which is so rare in this world.. I find strength to pass through the dark places safely with help of thiis forum and gods help....thank you for your kind words...sandi

It's a year today... and I don't remember who this tough woman is... who went through all this stuff... guess we do what we have to ... and get through... amazing what strength God gives us in these moments... amazing.... Sandi

Sandi-thinking about you today. Stay strong. You have been so for so long. Your strength helps all those that post and read here.
Emma

Sandi, my thoughts are with you especially today.

Hugs,

Connie

@David...IM the same person...Im just not caring for my loved one who is dying...........
@Sadwife...that strong woman thing.....well I don't like it....Mike always used to so that...I think it was his copout for dumping so much unfinished business in my lap....oh well I guess I was strong..
thanks for ur thoughts...and forward we all go..