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Posted 3/17/2010 9:26 AM (GMT 0)
so here I am again ...my mum only got out of hospital on Monday at 5 she can barely walk in front of others but still she managed yesterday to walk out that door jump in a taxi and go get her usual tipple vodka. she did not even last a day...but I am not surprised. The last I saw her was Mothers day, she was confused at the reasons she was in, when I told her it was a seizuire due to the alcohol she said calmy matter of fact way I am not drinking any more. her words on the phone yesterday were "well i say a lot of things" her mind is switched off to what people are saying, her partner as usual is going bananas again, when will he realise??I think he is in denial as much as she is to be honest.

Every time she is in hospital (must be about 15 -20 times) over the last 2 1/2years, longest period 10 weeks, 7 weeks and so on, she fights her way through all conditions, she acts like she wants to fight this but really deep inside she has not faced reality.This is a slow painful way of dying although I am still so angry because she will not try I do feel sorry for her, I know what her outcome is going to be if she continues on this path. they have gave her appointments to attend an outpatient clinic for her possible dementia and confusion, another appointment for bleeding from the back passage 2 clinics to attend along with the stroke, epilepsy,osteoporosis,gastro and eye clinics which she refuses to attend. What makes them think she will go there??But they do their best.

For once I did not get upset, I have far too much going on at home at the moment my daughter is going through some really rough times and I am the one she takes everything out on  which has not been easy. I am learning through time to cope better (I hope) now its just a waiting game until the next time she goes in...

Posted 3/17/2010 12:45 PM (GMT 0)
allie, my thoughts and prayers are with you and your mom. you, because i know the pain you are going through,and your mom,i pray for her as i do my mom,to at least let them make amends with God and their loved ones before it is too late..
Posted 3/17/2010 4:26 PM (GMT 0)
im so sorry allie, my heart aches for you and what i know is coming. just know that you have done everything  you possibly could and now the ball is in her court. i know exactly what you are going through and i feel for you. have you read my current post? if not maybe it would help you.
Posted 3/18/2010 11:37 PM (GMT 0)
got that dreaded phonecall again saying how drunk she was she has fallen and split her lip. Her partner says again he cannot cope. She is a real danger to herself. Detox say they cannot do anything unless it is her choice. I have also been told that if her partner says he refuses to help, cannot cope then she can be referrd to the social services, but it can be a long road. I told myself I would not be put in this position again. I have taken too much abuse from her partner. If I do try and help I will make it very clear to him, that he has to stay fir, I am not going through this difficult process for him to change his mind. She can be very manipulative, So once again I am back to square one.Has anyone in the U.k went through social services???
Posted 3/19/2010 1:53 AM (GMT 0)

Allie, if he says he cannot cope, then why doesn't HE call social services?  I hate to see you being dragged into the whole thing again.  History will only repeat itself. 

Hugs,

Connie

Posted 3/19/2010 8:00 AM (GMT 0)
I Know Connie, I really wish I could leave himt o get on with it after all it is partly his own fault because he takes her home. I told him that yesterday, he says she tells the nurses he can cope and he does not comment. I told him the ball was in his court, I tried not to drop everything and rush through, so I did not go. I have asked for her to be referred to the social services when she was in hospital but nothing happened they let her out. he said yesterday he had pphoned them but kept getting transferred and he was getting confused, so I offered. I got angry at myself for backing down,my husband said I should not be so hard on myself.I really feel that detox is not the answer as she has been through it lots of times. so there is no cure as such, her next trip to hospital may end her life but it might not.In some ways I feel god would be kind to take her out of her misery.
also if the social services stepped in would they not just put her to a detox centre then she gets out and the same happens again, or is it something different???
Posted 3/19/2010 10:14 PM (GMT 0)

Allie, you are right.  Social Services would likely have her admitted to a detox center and she's been that route before.  Really, there is nothing to be done.  Even petitioning the court would have the same outcome.  You are really just going to have to remove yourself from the situation as much as possible and let her do whatever she wants to herself.  It would actually be better if her partner left her, as you could then tell the court (or whomever) that she is incapable of caring for herself and perhaps she would be placed in a NH.  That is what eventually happened to my mother--she ended up in a NH, not knowing her own name.  Neither I nor my sister know how she got there, as we had both severed ties with her years before.  We only found out that's where she was when I found through SS that she had died and my sister got the hospital records.

Hugs,

Connie

Posted 3/19/2010 10:48 PM (GMT 0)

allie, i am so sorry that you are traveling down this same road again. please know i am praying for you and your mom.

Posted 3/19/2010 11:30 PM (GMT 0)
I am going to leave them to get on with it. I phoned the addiction team who dealt with my mum, no one could speak to me said I would need to phone back on Monday. I phoned her partner told him this he says she was not drinking today we will see how she gets on the next few days, so when he is in trouble i will tell him its best if he pphones. I spoke to my mum which was a waste of time, as she does not show any emotion. I know my mum is not interested in me really just herself...so iI am going to leave it a while.
I think Connie that she will either die from a fall or something relating to the alcohol or she will be like your mum and end up in a home not knowing what day it is. I am trying to remember where it got me last time.
Posted 3/20/2010 12:48 AM (GMT 0)

Allie, you can't get sucked in again.  It will drain you dry and you will have nothing left for yourself or your own family.

Hugs,

Connie

Posted 3/20/2010 9:17 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks Connie, i will really try hard not to. For my own sanity...you all must get fed up listening to the same old story over and over again. Thanks for being there.
Posted 3/20/2010 5:52 PM (GMT 0)

Allie, you are the one living it, and that is much harder.

Hugs,

Connie

Posted 3/21/2010 9:06 AM (GMT 0)
My mum is back in hospital. Her partner phoned in a bit of a state, he had enough, that was her got out hospital on Monday, was drunk on Tues, Wed, Thurs, then yesterday drank herself to a point where she was not responding to talking she lay on the couch and soiled and urinated on herself. He could not move her. He phoned an ambulance saying she had another seizuire, just to get her out the house. He sounds tired says this is the last time, he cannot have her home.
I have not even phoned the hospital yet, i wont go up today, but leave it to tomorrow. I thought about what you said Connie about the detox centre and her just going in and out, now I am going to find out about nursing homes for alcoholics if there is such a thing. Then i will have to face her and believe me that will not be easy, but if she gives me hassle i will walk away. sounds simple doesn't it.
Posted 3/21/2010 6:53 PM (GMT 0)

Allie, is she in the same hospital she has been in the past few times?  If so, they should see a pattern here.  She absolutely needs to be placed in a NH (and it doesn't have to be for substance abuse--I don't think there is such a thing), as she cannot care for herself.  The important thing here is for her partner to stick to his guns--that he cannot handle her anymore and is done.  And you, too, of course.  Then they have no recourse but to place her.

Good luck and big hugs,

Connie

Posted 3/21/2010 9:02 PM (GMT 0)
Bless your heart Allie... sometimes the toughest thing there is to do is to stand back and not jump in... I will be faced with this situation when Mike's condition becomes such that he needs someone by his side constantly... I can not be here... and the help for in home is not available here in our county... I will be forced to facilitate something like what you and your mum's partner are doing.... it's hard... but will provide the best care for him... because everyone will look to me to keep doing it... and I can't lose my job... and we have no back up... so my thoughts and prayers are with you every day... as you walk through this journey... sometimes I find strength when I admit my weaknesses...

Sandi

Posted 3/22/2010 8:51 AM (GMT 0)
Yeh Sandi, it is strange that you can be there giving your advice to others in a similar situation as yourself, when you suddenly look back and read over what you have said and think i really should take my own advice. Saying things and actually doing them are two different things.
Today i have got a lot to do. not working I am going to make a few phone calls then go to two fitness classes (my mind will be clear after that), then i will go to her house and pick up what she needs then to the dreaded hospital. AS far as I have been told she can be assessed in the hospital as a incapacitated adult. I do not want a detox centre for her as she has been detoxed many times, i will jusst see what i am advised to and stick to my guns. I will not give my mum an idea of whats in my head, because she is very clever at manipulating people and knows when to say the right things. so it is best to leave her out of it. so wish me luck....

Well that was a complete waste of time. why do professionals give you the wrong information, instead of not saying anything when asked advice, because all it does it confuses people and gets their hopes built up. after many phonecalls and conversations with nurses, I am told again, THERE IS NOTHING THEY CAN DO FOR HER, JUST WHAT I THOUGHT TO START WITH. there was me thinking I was in with a chance, that my mum would go to a nursing home and she would get her best chance yet. So the situation is the doctor wants her out, home. I think they are more or less washing their hands of her, so that means she has to go home, her partner unless he wants to leave has to stay and put up with her. His choice!!! I did not know what to say to her, she started to say that this time she would stop, so I left. well at least i know now what lies ahead of her...nothing..sorry just venting again

Post Edited (allie2631) : 3/22/2010 11:18:48 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 3/22/2010 6:16 PM (GMT 0)
Allie, I would speak to a nursing supervisor about her being discharged to a NH instead of to her own home.  A doctor would probably have to do the actual paperwork.  I don't understand why that can't be done, as it is done here all the time.

Hugs,

Connie

Posted 3/23/2010 12:16 AM (GMT 0)
I am so dissappointed, I finally get her partner to stick to his guns and say he is unable to look after her, and i find out that we are actually on our own as far as she is concerned. She is currently under supervision of her heptologist who apparantly want her off i.v drugs asap and onto oral medication so he can discharge her. He has given up on her. the senior nursing staff says she is of sound mind and she has a right to choices, she chooses to drink and thats her choice no matter what the circumstances are. The addiction team have struck her off they do not want to deal with her unless she is re referred to them again. she has to speak to someone tomorrow from there, but again they said they cannot keep her in she must go. so i will have to see what tomorrow brings. I really feel down about this because i imaged some sort of help, but there you go.
Posted 3/23/2010 1:31 AM (GMT 0)

Allie, can you really blame them for giving up on her when she won't cooperate?  Her determination to continue drinking, although it is killing her, makes whatever they try to do for her futile.  They cannot help her if she is unwilling, which she has shown time and again she is by her behavior.  I do wish they would discharge her to a NH or long term care facility, based on her not being able to care for herself properly, but they can't force her to go, either.

Hugs,

Connie

Posted 3/23/2010 5:36 PM (GMT 0)
I phoned the hospital today to be told she is getting out. The addiction team paid her a visit this morning and was told she refused to be referred. so she is going home. Her partner is upset that she is coming home, but refuses to leave because she will die if she is left alon, which is probably true. Truth is I cannot blame him. I do not blame the doctors one bit for giving up on her, they cant force her to stop. the chances she has had have been many, I did not know what to say to him. I do not even want to talk to her right nowshakehead
Posted 3/23/2010 5:54 PM (GMT 0)

Allie, the sad truth is that she is going to die whether someone is there or not--it just might be a little sooner if left alone, which actually might be a blessing for her and everyone concerned.  I'm sorry to be so blunt, but this needs to be faced realistically.

Hugs,

Connie

Posted 3/23/2010 10:00 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you for saying that, Connie. You cannot help someone who does not want to be helped. Ruining one's own life is one thing, taking another with you is flat out wrong. **David**
Posted 3/24/2010 3:58 AM (GMT 0)
I am in total agreement... I will face this situation soon... if Mike goes into the hospital and needs alot of home care... I can not give it to him... I am alone... he chose to drink... and he chose to binge.. even after finding out... he quit... but not soon enough... I love him... I will continue to give everything I have... until I can not... but we will get there... and fingers will be pointed and tongues will wag... but I will hold my head up and say I can not do this... the situation is worse.... Mike has made no funeral arrangements.. we are not married... I have provided much more than I can afford at this time... I can not pay for his burial too... his family buried his brother 4 years ago from the same disease and they can not afford another funeral... these issues are real and tough... but you are doing the very right thing... even though I love him dearly... it is with a tough love... and that's what it takes or like David said so eloquently... you will do down too... sorry shared so much... but have final arrangements been thought about??

David and Connie you two are so absolutlely right...

my thoughts are prayers are with you... and my admiration... sorry you are having to go through such a tough journey.. Sandi

Posted 3/24/2010 9:21 AM (GMT 0)
I totally agree with you all.my mum phoned me last night talking as if nothing had happened. she told me of the addictionns tema visit, i told her what I had been told, she was not happy. she said i do not need to go anywhere. I lost it a bit, told her although her partner and I have had our disagreements that she was lucky to have him there but she was killing him along with her. Why should I be interested in her, she genuinely does not bother with myself or the kids she may ask about them but that is like a tape which gets played over and over again. she thinks I am a know it all, I wish I was. she thinks I am thinking poor me which is not the case. the only trouble i have now is my conscious. I know he wants help but cant get it, i can't help feel guilty for leaving him to it. I know it is her who chooses to drink, but physically he is a man who is 78 with health problems that cannot look after her but refuses to leave her. He is not in denial now, he says he is at the end of his life now what difference does it make. everthing is just a mess. and Sandi you are so right, why should I dedicate my life to her now her body is wasted through her own doing, when my family need me just as much. I struggle with a lot, i get to a time when i feel i can relax and something goes wrong again. For me, my anguish will not be over until she dies and i have prayed before for god to take her out this miserable life she has, it would be kinder. I know I could walk away, I should , I really want to at times, but now when he is crying out for help i do not know know if i can walk away.
Sandi, you are giving this man your all, people will talk no matter what you do, people make wrong assumptions all the time. What happens over there if someone dies and no one can pay the funeral, I know her you can get help from the government.
Posted 3/24/2010 12:20 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you so much Allie... we're having a "honeymoon" period right now.... but I had to be very firm with Mike and quit catering to him... I just couldn't keep doing it... when he could still do so much for himself... and it's plain irresponsibility to leave affairs out of order for others to take care of whether it be family or not... I helped coordinate Mike's brothers return from Minnesota to Utah... but the family honestly do have the means to do this again.. so ... who knows... we'll cross the bridge then... I know I won't do it.. thank God for all of u here and thank you thank you Allie... right now you are helping me more than you know...
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