IBS and the spouse

I've been at this for 12 years and my spouse is most of the time understanding. But a few years ago he asked me to one more time give him the short synopsis of why I have so many bm's per day (at this point, 20). I am missing the bottom 1/3 of my colon due to cancer, and the most important part for normal bowel function, the sigmoid, hence why I can't keep stool inside me for long. But I'm getting off track. So that morning we sat down on the couch and I tried to explain how important having a fully intact colon is, then the various stool stages I go thru (4 or 5) and how I also experience bloating, sometimes cramping and pain. He had one comment that just about sent me thru the roof that day - why can't I just stay in the bathroom and finish going (like I did before cancer, pooping like a normal person does, once or twice a day). I burst into tears. I told him that my stool seems to slide down all day long, I feel it, and then I have intense pressure if I don't relieve myself within 30 minutes (I have had accidents).

This is where I think I lost my husband's understanding. Someone who can eat anything he wants and usually not experience D or repeated trips to the bathroom for stool dumping.

I think most people with normal bowel function just cannot relate to those of us who struggle, who need bathrooms all day long (I spend about 4 hours of my day in a bathroom).

Now he accepts that I know best but that one area, why not stay in the bathroom until I'm really done going (until the next day? Come on!!!!!!!), he just doesn't get at all.

So now I give him as few details as possible. And I tend to cry about it all in private, like you. I don't hide the fact that I go so much each day. I take two baths a day and change my underwear a lot, a few times I've been embarrassed if I hadn't flushed the toilet and he's gone into use it (so it didn't wake the dog in the middle of the night).

What I am trying to say is I think people with normal bowel functions just will never understand and truly relate to the rest of us. This includes spouses, boyfriends, girlfriends, close friends, relatives, coworkers, neighbors, and sometimes doctors. The very professionals that should try to understand that when our insides are a wreck, it's all we can think about.

But you have come to the right place to vent, cry, pound the desk with - this is a great group of forum members. So please vent away. We will listen and give you cyber hugs.

I wish you better days ahead.

Mary/Marsky

Another thing - This is not going to last forever! We will all eventually recover and get better - I hope your husband understands this. And but for the Grace of God, it could be him! More than likely, it will be him next time, it may not be IBS but may be some other digestive disorder.

Apparently, I've got a good bf. He doesn't really understand, since his system, you know, works properly, but when he asked why I kept running to the bathroom and why I refuse to go anywhere that won't have a bathroom nearby, or take long trips where there aren't frequent places to stop at, just in case, and I told him that my system has gone crazy and I live on the outskirts of Diarrhealand year-round, he left it at that and has taken to considering that when it comes to invitations from friends and family.

Yes, it's an odd way of describing it, and doesn't include some of the even more fun aspects (pain, anyone?), it worked. Usually, though, I just tell people that I have a very finicky system and that ANYTHING I ingest can set it off, as well as stress, hormone-levels, lack of sleep, too much sleep, etc. etc. etc., and probably some other stuff I don't know about yet.

Either they get it or they don't.

C.I. - happy for you, your diarrhealand mention made me crack up. Then sigh - both outloud.

I forgot to add that to casual friends, or coworkers, if I grimace or make some outwardly gesture all is not well in diarrhealand and they ask - oh is it your stomach again? I just nod and let them think it's my stomach.

Saying your stomach is upset is far easier to deal with, I think people can handle that (unless you are vomiting, then you can clear a room) but when you say you are experiencing the dreaded D, they just do not know what to do with that (this is for non-spouse people). They tend to shy away and leave you alone. Also, not to use a bathroom you've just used.

Sometimes to send an annoying person away, I will tell them the God's honest truth, just for a reaction. lol You gotta find humor in these situations sometimes.

Mostly I keep my gut heaving, non-stop output to myself and just put up with it.

I think I didn't give my spouse enough credit, he's 9 out of 10 times supportive, but that one comment a few years ago really upset me. But he did have a right to ask it, since we were having a heart to heart, in depth discussion about my wacky gut.