IBS Inconsistency??

Well, that would be me for sure!  After 20 plus years of trying to discern what foods cause symptoms, I have decided that for me, it's all food.  The digestive process itself is the problem, not the food I injest.  Granted, some things are surely more dangerous than others but I think most folks, even "normal" people, have problems digesting things like beans, corn, raw veggies, fried foods, etc.  After all, the antacid industry is thriving because people react badly to certain foods.  So I don't think there is anything unique to my IBS that is tied to specific foods.

All food, or simply the process of eating, causes distress for me.  My goal with diet is to try and eat the foods that will just keep my system working with as little outside intervention as possible.  I've taken every drug on the market and tried countless holistic approaches but at this point, in hindsight, I have come to the conclusion that all these interventions have actually made the condition worse.  I often wonder what would have happened if I had just left my gut alone some 20 odd years ago and tried to allow it to "fix" itself.  This may be magical thinking on my part but I do know for sure that all the "help" I've gotten over the years has only compromised my system even more.  Now, I can't function without some kind of help, even though my goal is to eliminate all natural and synthetic supplements from my life.

Obviously, there are folks who have food allergies and folks who can clearly determine which foods set off symptoms.  But I think you will find that even those patterns change.  I can't tell you how many times I've "discovered" the culprit, only to be surprised later that this trouble maker was not the cause. 

Yes, sometimes you have weird patterns. I can eat scrambled eggs with meat and cheese added in, but can't eat an omlete with those same ingredients. Bizarre.

Sometimes, it's not a matter of a food being immediately bad, but it being cumulatively bad. So I can eat half of a Red Baron Pizza, or eat fajitas at the Mexican restaurant. But if I eat that same stuff for more than a couple of days in a row, I usually start having problems. The more days in a row, the worse I get. Also, how many bad things you eat a day matters. So while I can tolerate ice cream and pizza and fajitas, if I had each one for each meal of the day, that would be too much.

My husband and I did something we never do about a month ago: we went out to eat twice on the same weekend. And not the Mexican restaurant. I had two variations of the same chicken dish, featuring cheese and either a bit of ham or bacon and spagehtti sauce on top. I had bowel problems come Monday. Bigger portions than I'm used to eating, a lot more meat than I'm used to eating at once, greasier food than I'm used to eating, etc. all combined to make my guts not so happy. So even though I can fix that same thing at home and be fine, the devil is in the details, as they say. I don't make my food so greasy at home, and I don't eat as much, nor do I eat like that every night.

So that can go a ways towards explaining why something works today, but doesn't work tomorrow.

Hi nickic,

It does sound like your diet is restricted and it must be so frustrating to still be dealing with bowel issues. Have you ever considered that maybe one or two of the things that you are not restricting might be culprits? Everyone is different, but I think a lot of IBS'rs have problems with fruit. I know for me raw apples are not tolerable. Like Keriamon said, the problem can be cumulative and I could probably get away with one apple every few days, but if I eat more than one a day or if I eat one every day for a week, I'm in trouble. Berries are the same way...they can be hard to digest. Maybe that is something for you to consider? I also have trouble with oatmeal, although I am not sure why. It might be useful for you to cut out one staple item of your diet per week and see if that helps. If you still get the diarrhea, add it back in and cut something else out until you come up with something that works. Process of elimination, so to speak.

As for IBS affecting relationships, I can relate to that. I was in a relationship in which my partner did not understand what I was going through and how much the dx was really taking its toll on me. He didn't exactly imply that I wouldn't accomplish life goals because of it, but he just didn't have any sympathy for me. Not that I wanted him to treat me like I was fragile because of the IBS, but I wanted him to believe in my suffering rather than write it off as an annoyance. There were times we would be out somewhere and I'd have to get home because I needed the bathroom more than once, plus it was hard for me to tolerate the cramping and sweating in public. He'd get angry and sometimes refuse to leave, and accuse me of ruining a good time, etc. I remember a specific instance in which we were shopping at a mall, and I suddenly started to feel the tell-tale signs of an attack. I used the public bathroom once and then requested that we head home. He got angry and refused. I used the bathroom again, asked again to leave. When he FINALLY agreed to get me home I started crying in the car, and he also got angry about that, saying I shouldn't let this take control of me. What he didn't realize until we got home was that I was in so much pain I couldn't hold it and had almost had an accident. It was humiliating. I got out of that relationship and actually the IBS has gotten better since then. It isn't gone, but I don't have the same anxiety about it that I did when I was with him because I'm not worrying about someone getting angry with me. Now when it happens I just try to relax and work through it, with a boyfriend who is willing to comfort me and take care of me.

I think the most important thing is to try and make significant others understand that IBS is not a choice we make. We can't help it and we're doing the best that we possibly can under the circumstances. We are doing everything we can to control it and lead a normal lifestyle. If how your significant other is handling this is really bothering you, perhaps it would be beneficial to sit down and tell him exactly how you feel. Tell him that you are well aware of the fact that this dx is affecting your life, and that you do not need to be reminded of this fact by him. Tell him that while you don't have a choice about having IBS, you do have a choice about how you react to it. Tell him that you are doing everything you can to get control over it and to adjust your life to it.

I know how tough it can be, but good luck.

Hi nickic,

I understand all too well what you are going through. My ex would always tell me that I was bringing him down when I talked about how upset I was with my IBS. I hate to say this but...I don't think it's just a male thing. You do not need to make excuses for him. If he is upset about the fact that he can't fix your problem, he shouldn't get angry and take it out on you. He should get upset FOR you and be sympathetic and try to help you by simply being a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying anyone's partner should be subjected to hearing about IBS day in, day out, and have to deal with self-pity and "woe is me" constantly...but I don't think you are like that. You said you're trying to be optimistic about things so I doubt you are always harping on your condition. It is not fair that you should have to deal with someone faulting you for something that is beyond your control. I know from experience that situations like that only make things worse. On top of the physical symptoms (which are bad enough as it is) you have to deal with the guilt and shame, anxiety and depression. It's a bad cycle...IBS and having to deal with it can trigger the anxiety/depresssion, and anxiety/depression can make IBS symptoms worse!

I really do think that perhaps you should have a talk with your BF. Let him know that you know that he can't fully understand what you're going through, but that it would make you feel better if he was just willing to listen. Tell him that you don't blame him for the IBS, but that he could help you out with it by simply being there when you need him. You say that you have been with him for 3 years and have only had IBS for one. That means that he knows the true person you are underneath the IBS and just tell him you're still that same person, you still want to do the same things and that you will as much as possible -- but there simply must be some adjustments made for right now. Trying to cope with this yourself is hard enough and the stress of having to deal with someone else who isn't willing to understand can be very trying.

And trust me, it's not "just a male thing." I know this because after ending my relationship with the ex, a few months later I started dating someone new. I was up front with him right away about the IBS (kind of have to be when he wants to cook you food and take you out and you can't eat most of the food) and he took it right in stride. He didn't think it was gross or that it was an annoyance. Some days when he wants to go out to dinner I can go, and that's great. But some days I tell him that I just don't feel like my stomach can handle it, and he's fine with that too. On bad D days at work I send him emails and he usually just responds with a "You poor thing, I'm so sorry. Stay hydrated and rest when you get home." And that's enough...it makes me feel better because I know he's there for me. He also takes care of me when we're together and I get an attack -- takes me home, gets me gingerale...he's even started carrying Imodium around in his pockets just in case!

What I'm trying to say is, it can't be helping things to be with someone who doesn't/isn't willing to understand what you are going through. If you can talk to him and get him to understand, that's wonderful. And if that's what you want, I hope it works out. On the other hand, if the relationship does not work out (and I admit I'm a little concerned about reading that you put you through some "traumatic experiences") do not despair that all future relationships will be affected by IBS. There are men out there who will be wonderful about it because they know it doesn't define you, it's just a part of who you are.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this and I really hope you get it worked out soon!

<<why are you going to call someone and only make them feel bad?>>

What a selfish $*%&@

Don't call me when you're down because you ruin my good time? Honey, dump him! Can you imagine being married to this man? He'd totally blow that part of the vow about being with your partner in sickness and in health.

I went out on my first date with my hubby two days before I had my gall bladder removed. He sent me roses at home. :-D Then we went out on our second date almost a week after the surgery and he was okay with me only eating a small amount of food for lunch, and he was constantly making sure I felt okay when I excused myself to go to the bathroom. And he's still like that 5 years later. If I tell him I feel bad, he asks what he can do, or do we need to leave? I think what makes him understanding is 1) he has bad knees and a bad back, so some of our activities are curtailed because of that; he understands what it's like not to be able to do something; 2) I doctor and baby him when he's hurting; I massage him, fetch ice or heating pads, sit with him when he has to sit something out; 3) his stomach is a bit sensitive itself and new medicines or changing his diet can give him D, so he knows what it's like to have that too (and he comes to me for medicine, lol!).

So, you see, we take care of each other. And we were in a somewhat long-distance relationship for our first nearly two years together too; it was a 2-hour drive one way for me to go see him each weekend. Obviously you are even further away, and probably see each other even less, but still, that's no excuse for not being sensitive to someone's medical problems. I mean, good God, if you were taking chemo for cancer treatment, would he be angry when you couldn't eat or go anywhere or called him just to talk? I think someone that dismisses some of your health problems is problably going to be good at dismissing your concerns with finances and plans for the future, child rearing, etc. I mean, if the man can't believe you have a problem with your bowels, what else won't he believe when you tell him? It's a total lack of respect when someone tells you that they know better than you how to handle your body, and that you are messing yourself up, and you could push yourself more, etc. In essence, that person is telling you you are too stupid to manage your body and your life, and is heavily implying they could tell you how to run your body and life better.

Just my two cents.

Oh, and apples are just about the worst thing any IBSer can eat. Unless you are eating them cooked (and you still might not be able to take them that way), cut them out immediately! The only thing worse is apple juice. Sure to give you gas and cramps and, if prone to D, even more of that!

Also, check that tea for caffeine. While I can tolerate caffeine in green tea, that's my absolute upper limit. Black tea (oolong) and colas and the like are just too much. Gives me pretty bad D.

I don't ever feel like the people on this board are strangers; sometimes I talk about them to my husband like they're friends I'm just in e-mail correspondence with because we're too far apart to see one another.

And, I will admit that my husband doesn't want to know TOO much about my bowel fuctions. It's enough for him to know that I have D and need medicine or need to go home. He'd rather not get the fart-by-fart analysis that I can share with you guys. Only here can I truly obssess openly about color, shape, content, and smell of my stools. ROFL

Haha! I love it Keriamon!! "fart-by-fart analysis...color, shape, content and smell..." That one made my day, thank you so much :D

Well Keriamon and shortnsweet9, you both have truly touched my heart. It's unfortunate when the things you tell me [about the relationship in question] are the same words of advice I would tell someone else. Of course we are victims of our own biases, and it's such therapy to hear input from others, especially those affected by IBS [for instance].

You are both right in what you speak, and I have always known it. To say you can't handle someone's moments of despair, whether they be hysterical or calm, is saying you cannot handle the "burdens" that come with caring for someone else. Everything you have both said about "in sickness and in health" and being a team because you WANT to be is what I argue with bone-head about constantly. I don't overanalyze the "hidden motives" behind my friends calling me when they are crying and upset. Even if I can't solve the problem. The point is that when you love someone, you care for them no questions asked. Obviously he cannot handle that. And unfortunately, I spend so much time and vital energy trying to explain it to him...in hopes that he might be able to accept another perspective. Maybe not necessarily agree, but just respect and acknowledge another point of view.

For Blessed sake, if I am depressed or physically sick he will only call me if it is convenient...it seems. I will admit, he is not himself and hasn't been for a while because of HIS depression. So to him, he says "How can I help you if I can't even help myself?" Which in essence is valid. HOWEVER, guess what? I am sick too, but it doesn't take much energy for me to care or be concerned...to WANT to know his progress and make sure he didn't commit suicide. The emphasis is on WANTING to care, WANTING to be there, and frankly just BEING there and it coming from the heart...not effort.

But of course, it is like talking to a brick wall. What's sad is that he shows me he cares in other ways that are NOT emotional...though emotional support is more vital in my opinion. He will physically help me out around the place, fix things, buy stuff to make my life easier like a tool kit, emergency stuff for my car, buy me food and gas. Little things like that. He sees that as his love for me in that he wants to take care of me. But that part of care is just that...A PART. If that makes him feel that he has done his part, then well, I guess that is how he will sleep at night. But if he only makes me feel guilty for crying then what good was all of that?

The man will hurt my feelings so bad sometimes that I cry. Well, I take that back. I am already sensitive and it doesn't take much INSULT [especially from someone I love] to make me cry. But I think that is pretty...hmm...NORMAL. Anyhow, I will start crying. And because he wasn't TRYING to make me cry [naturally..] he will get pissed off at me for crying. Then comes the same quote, "Why do you always do this?! Now you are just trying to make me feel bad and I didn't do anything to you!!" He just sees it like, "Okay, heeeere we go agaaain..." So bleepin' insensitive. What hurts the most is when he comes out with the same old shpeal..."Look, obviously you need someone who is going to be [insert bullcrap here] and obviously I'm just not that person. So you need to go and find someone who is going to do [insert bullcrap here]". Of course, the bullcrap is along the lines of "drop everything they are doing to listen to you cry when it is convenient for you". And he will continue with, "And I'm sure there are guys like that out there. Like dogs just waiting hand and foot. But I'm just not like that." Naturally, trying to make it seem like I'M the insensitive one. And when he says these things, mostly out of anger that he apologizes for later and swears he doesn't mean, it only makes me CRY MORE.

To make things worse, he gets so pissed off at the whole situation in general, that even though I am crying and hurting, it doesn't even phase him. Because naturally, I am making it a point for him to hear me cry to make him feel bad...remember? So going with this, it is sooo easy for him to just hang up on me because he can't take it anymore. And when I say "me niether!" he insists that I just looove arguing. If you can't just think rationally when you are arguing and not coming out with old issues, how are you going to deal with real situations? I just can't fathom how someone can live with the fact that they make their "love" so upset and tear strucken. If I were to make him cry, which has happened hmmm ONCE in three years, I would immediately snap out of it and realize how much pain I inflicted on him. I wouldn't even blink.

I'm sorry for rambling, I have so many frustrations bottled up and because he somehow sees things SOO differently than I do, sometimes I question if it is me..? I can't understand how someone can be so blind at human nature as he is. I have never been part of any forum before and I am so glad I joined.

This whole week was pretty bad...constantly bloated to the point where I couldn't breathe. I actually started what is called "Bowen Therapy". This is basically a cross between energy healing and acupressure. I went mostly to help with my back. I overtrained my rhomboid area about 5 months ago and have had pain ever since. It has fluctuated and I've had acupuncture, seen a chiropractor [just sucked $ and did nothing] and regular MD. Of course, the stress of this chronic pain has made me more upset in addition to IBS, and could possibly have made things worse in a psychological sense. However, this therapy is meant to release all the, well, crap you have stored up inside your body for overall healing, in addition to pressure points to help release my back pain. If anyone is interested in learning more, just google "Bowen Therapy". It's pretty interesting. I actually started bawling during the treatment because you get this huge feeling of release. Which was to be expected. Obviously I have so much I'm holding onto inside, which could be a big aspect of the IBS. Not all, but definitely some of it. I'm to have a total of three treatments and we'll see how I come out. Bonnie [the CMT] actually had me get on MSM and Coral Calcium. These two are meant to help maintain a health pH balance in your body. Of course, I did my research before going along with it. Before specializing in this, Bonnie was actually in business and had so much anxiety and depression that she came down with Crohn's Disease. She said that taking these two, in addition to a healthier/cleaner diet, pretty much cured her. Not only this, but she said that she has many clients who have IBS and taking these two supplements has helped them within days of first taking them. I already knew a little about MSM and Coral Calcium because I'm a fitness trainer and nutritionist, but I am going to go ahead and see how it goes. I'll let you guys know.

Thank you again so much for everything. It is nice to have *friends* to talk to. Not strangers :)

Post Edited (nickic) : 11/9/2007 4:39:17 PM (GMT-7)

Hahaha whoops sorry about all those faces. I don't know what happened there, guess I got a little carried away!

You must take care of yourself first in whatever way you can. You can't rely on him to make you happy. It is tough when we are sick to be happy with ourselves but unless we are we can't make anyone else happy either. I don't have a solution but I do know this is true. The stress is definetly not making you happy and exacerbating your problem. I wish you well in whatever you decide. Just don't make any big decision like marriage and children until your are sure that you have the support and love that you need. Seldom do people change and if they do it is because they want to not because we want them to.

While I'm glad that you feel he is making forward progress (and equally glad that you are committed to being a bit dubious!), I am a bit concerned when you say that he often shows his affection by buying you things. While of course it's good to get treated to flowers and candies and cards and little things like that, make sure that's not the ONLY way he shows his affection. Not only are things not a good substitute for actual loving motions (hugs and things like that), but you have to watch the old finances as well. If he already has a debt problem, watch out! He could love you right into bankruptcy. I'm on a money message board and it's sad to see the number of women on it with a spouse who spends money like it's going out of style--usually in an attempt to fulfill some inner need or emotion.

I usually don't get along with people my own age either. I ended up marrying a man 17.5 years my senior, so that should tell you about who I communicate with the best! Lol.

Caffeine is a biggy for me. It made the old gall bladder worse, and even now that it's gone, I still can't do more than a bit of green tea. No black tea, no coffee.

Just remember what my Mom told me years ago when I was going with a very moody guy--marriage is hard enough, you don't need to make it harder by marrying Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. I was lucky as I married Mr Smile and Be Happy but even at that it wasn't always easy. Contrary to what most people think and say life is tough enough without having to spend all your time "working" on keeping a marriage together. If I have to work that hard I want to be paid for it.