I dont understand why this is happening

Guys I'm still going through hell I got the Miralax but have not taken it yet,I'm having bms but they are hard to get out and when thier out thier small I hate this.Things are messy I'm kind of afraid of taking the Miralax cause last time I took it it felt like I was having bms all day.I'll just start with a little dose,oh and worst of all I ended running out of my toilet paper with aloe and have to suffer through the ones without my bum is akeing lol.I think I'll just take a little bit of the Miralax and hope for the best I want this day to end I just want out of this body!!!! I'm so tired and drained from going so much why doesn't my bms just want to come out all at once.It's like thier doing this on purpose knowing how much I hate this lol.The only good thing is I dont have diharrea but it seems being off the amitiza things are far more worst!!!! I just pray I get through this Lord help me please I need you Lord right now!!!!