Divorce because of Lupus?

Has anyone gone through a divorce as an indirect result of Lupus?  I was diagnosed with Lupus after getting married.  As you all know, Lupus is a process of being 'reborn'.  It seems as though everything has changed, even my marriage.  I feel really terrible, like it's my fault or something.  The things I use to be able to do are not longer feasible.  I'm often holding my hubby back from things in life because I'm too tired any more.  He tells me that he's not doing everything he'd like, which makes me feel terrible.   I feel like we should part ways so he can live the life he's longing for.  Does that seem crazy? Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.  

Hi Jenny,

 

Carol nailed it.  I couldn't agree more.  His love sounds conditional, and that isn't what a loving, compassionate marriage is all about. When I got married, I had lupus for 2 years. I was in a remission, so my hubby didn't really know how bad things could get.  Now he knows.  I've been having issue upon issue for a couple of years now.  He tells me all the time that he wouldn't even dream of being with anyone else.  He never makes me feel like a burden and he says he's with me to the end!!

 

Like Carol said, if it was him who had the disability, would you leave him? No, of course not.  Gee, I could quote every single sentence that Carol wrote, LOL.  He needs a wakeup call, big time.

 

You also need to be kinder to yourself. Don't blame yourself for this disease Jenny. It's life. Life goes through changes all the time.  We have to find ways to accommodate our new lifestyle and ways to cope with the changes. You both need to find ways to cope, manage and embrace the changes. Encourage your hubby to go and do the things he wants to do.  Don't let lupus hold either of you back from making plans and having goals. 

 

Ginny

 

 

Jenny, I think you've received some great advice above. What a great place this is to come and and share our burdens and our experience. I am blessed with an incredibly understanding husband. This came gradually . . . but it developed consistently over the years. Be very careful how YOU view yourself and your situation. It can be rather contagious if you give off negative vibes. Also, people don't, in general, enjoy being around a "victim". I really don't think that you have a "victim" mentality, but it would certainly be a common side affect of chronic illness. One can be incredibly ill and still give off the vibes of independence and high self esteem, which really help those around us have a positive attitude. Not to say that we need to pretend to be better off than we are . . . I hope this makes a bit of sense. He also needs to know how important he is to you and he needs to know when he's doing things right. If he feels like he can't win, he will be unhappy. The best bit of advice I even received regarding men is this: "Its not how the man feels about the woman . . . its how he feels about 'himself' when he is with the woman" Ha ha !!! That little nougat will carry you a very long way. I'm sorry you are in such a rough spot right now. Thanks for sharing . . . I have a feeling you are not alone. Blessings!

Jenny,

Lupus is tough and it is life changing...not only your life but for all those around you.  A good marriage will struggle through the changes and adjust.  I know that is difficult particularly for younger people.  Those of us who are old already know that life and marriage in particular are dynamic and require adjustments to succeed.  None of us know what lies ahead for us or our marriage or life.

If you are having difficulties try and find a good counselor to help your dialog. 

Keep in mind that ALL of us who are married go through this to some degree and some have to make tremendous adjustments.  I was totally crippled just 33 months ago and it looked hopeless.  Not a great deal for my wife and certainly not what we had hoped in our "golden years".  Fortunately I have recovered substantially and life is good again...but not the same.  Our long marriage came out of this stronger than ever but it has not been easy.

Many spouses go through denial.  They need time and help even though they are not the ones sick.  I have talked to others who have gotten divorced due to illness or have poor relationships with their spouses.  Maybe some of those marriages were not that good to begin???  Maybe that is your situation and it is best to move on.  Whoever you are with needs to accept you as you are....period.

Bill

Jenny, you received some wonderful wonderful advice and words of wisdom.  I don't have much to add to what others have said.  Living with a chronic illness does affect everyone around you - spouse, kids, close friends, etc.  There is grieving and anger and sadness for everyone involved, but the key is to realize that you can work through it and everyone can adjust and figure out a new way to be together that works for everyone.  It's not easy at times, but it can work and work well if both people are committed to it.  I was worried about how lupus would affect my marriage, so we went to counseling for a while to help us talk about how my illness affected each one of us and how it affected us as a couple and then we began to focus on how to make things as good as possible.  Did you ever read the Spoon Theory at http://butyoudontlooksick.com .  It would be a great thing for your husband to read.  It helps others around you understand what living with lupus is like. I hope you and your husband can find a way to work through this.